My husband informed me suddenly that he was no longer in love with me and moved out within 10 days. It has been 7 weeks since he moved out. He meets me for dinner about once a week and sometimes comes out to the house to do chores on the weekend. He lives in a studio apartment and claims that he is happy because he has no responsibilities and that there are no other women. Some weeks, when he feels like talking, we seem to work towards an attempt at reconciliation and he claims that we can "work things out." Other weeks, he doesn't want to talk because he doesn't want to come back and doesn't love me anymore. I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I want him back but I feel that if I make him talk, he gets angry and I have no control over the situation, unless I decide to file for a divorce, which I do not want. Does anyone have any advice?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sleepless_One:
<strong>I want him back but I feel that if I make him talk, he gets angry and I have no control over the situation, unless I decide to file for a divorce, which I do not want. Does anyone have any advice?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>(((Sleepless)))<p>So sorry you're here but rest assured you're among friends. Your above statement is SO true. Forcing any discussion can escalate into places you don't want to go right now. I see that you're pretty new here, have you had a chance to read up on the information on this site? Have you looked into implimenting a Plan A? <p>Right now the best thing you can do is to work only on things you can control, YOURSELF.. From the limited info you provided I'd say put a Plan A into action. Which means no LOVE BUSTING and obviously talking about this relationship right now with him is a trigger for him. <p>I am concerned about his actions, they seem to born of guilt for something, and not out of "Fallin out of Love".<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers from Kansas

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Thank you for your kind advice and words of encouragement. I don't know whether it helps to exand on the information I have already provided. My husband seems to swing like a pendulum -- first he says he is "80% sure" he will return to the marriage, then he says he no longer loves me and doesn't want back. Yet when I ask him if he wants a divorce, he asks, "Is that what YOU want?" I have a nice group of friends and female coworkers and am even seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. Their advice runs the gamut from beating him to the punch and getting the divorce to leaving him alone and letting him figure this out. I guess I'm wondering if its possible to know what things I should NEVER say or do. I'm trying so hard not to mess things up.

I just heard someone say the other day that you learn more by listening than speaking, when you listen the other person begins to wonder where you are and where you are comming from. In my opinion why file for the divorce if you have no plans of being with someone else and still want him, I think it best to wait him out and just be there to listen. keep your self nice and proved him with the things he likes. I read somewhere that people who want to reconcile, need to go back to the things they did in the begining when it seemed like you couldn't wait to be together, find the things in him that you loved and let him see the things he loved again.

Just a follow-up. Your family, friends and even therapist will all tell you to do whatever makes you happy, while they are secretly or no so secretly wishing that you do whatever you can to lash back out at H and try to distance yourself from the hurt as quickly as possible. I've found that the people around us don't want us to be hurt so they want us to take the path of least resistence - which usually is kick H out and divorce him. However, if you want a marriage with H, it will take alot of hard work and pain. Read about Plan A and know that it is not as easy as it looks, even though it can produce many rewards. It is good that your H is waffling, but don't expect a miracle or that he will suddenly change and be the perfect H. Try to change yourself with Plan A, and you'll be alot happier and hopefully so will your H. It will take some explaining to family and friends but hopefully they will understand how important your M is and support you with this. Good Luck! K

Good luck, I am with you. I am tired and can't write much for my weariness. I know how hard it is. My H wants to be in never nevr land and pretend every thing is OK, keep it light he says... no real talking about things. Anyway, I am with the plan of what we did while we were hopelessly in love.. the more I do that.. the more he gets closer. and I like it that way.<p>Read the Harelys books, and welcome! Lisa

Thanks so much for your kind and intelligent replies. I will work hard on listening and trying to recreate those qualities and actions that made us fall in love in the first place. <p>I hope that each of you finds the path you desire. I will pray for you too.