One thing about being on a mountain-top experience.... sooner or later you have to come down.<p>As great as last week was, I sit here today facing my future alone and incrediably sad. Today was much harder than I thought. I know some of this is coming from the 6 hour drive but I haven't been able to stop crying since I've been home. <p>H just picked kids up. They will be gone until Sunday. As much as I like some "me" time, I am already lonely. Heart is breaking all over tonight. I have to quit letting him come in here hugging me and trying to be nice. He is killing me and just can't see it. I spent hours and hours putting together 500 photos for him in an album. Perhaps, this wasn't the best time of year to re-live all those memories. <p>I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I'll be ok, just needed to share. Sorry I was sharing misery and not joy. God Bless you all.<p>L

PP, Listen I am going through this with you and dealing with the same issues. I have three beautiful children and a life that has been turned upside down. But you know I will get past this and so will you. The next year will be great for the both of us. It's time to put old memories aside and bring on the next chapter of our lives. We have beautiful children who expect us to move on and be happy. I wish I could take you out for coffee and make you laugh it would do us both some good. PP- you will find another who will make you very happy and "This to shall come to Pass". Give it some time and find the happiness that really is all around you. So- Please stop looking at all the old pictures, put them in a bag and ship them to him postage collect. Get a new camera and start taking some new pictures. Smile ------ Please. AdamS

I survived and so will you, this is the first xmas for me and I got through it, there were memories and sadness, but i got things down and I started what I hope will be new traditions, I personally am looking forward to starting out the new year and getting on with my life, I didn;t want or ask for this but it is what I got now it is up to me to make the best of it. My old life is in the past and all it is now is a memorie, I am free to start over and have a better life. Sometimes now I think she really did me a favor when she left, I am starting to get myself back. take care of yourself

Thank you both and you are exactly right. I was miserable because I was still living in the past. Even though I didn't have to, I agreed to let H take kids for 10 hours on Christmas Eve not having them back til they were asleep just because his family "always" does their thing Christmas Eve. Then I turned them over to him for almost a week on Christmas night which meant I actually got a few hours with them Monday morning. I spent the rest of the time alone, not because I had to, but because I was afraid to ruin some one else's Christmas. What about me?<p>I bought all my in-laws a gift, even though H said he bought them one( he is so cheap I was very afraid). I even gave my FIL a spiral cut ham just like I have for the past 10 years or so. H has an uncle who is paralysed and I always stopped on the way to Grandma's Christmas eve and bought him a chicken dinner from the quick mart. I didn't deliver the dinner this year but I sent the $5 to my MIL so she could pick it up for me. <p>It felt wierd at the time not to do these things. Silly I know, but I knew they made people happy. These are people who have been family to me for 17 years. I wasn't sure how to break away. I am a peoplepleaser afterall.<p>Now I see that as long as I live in the past, I can't move forward. Both of you are right, new traditions it is..... Starting with New Year's Eve. I'm going out. Where? Don't know.. just out.....<p>Happy "New" Year. <p>PP

Hi People Pleaser -<p>Our situations are very similar, down to my people pleasing tendencies. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I let my ex H (who also lives with OW) have my children an extra day on the day before Christmas Eve. He gets them Christmas Eve every year and I get them Christmas Day, because that is when our families celebrate it. I was so sad Christmas Eve. I went to church and saw all the happy families with both parents and it just broke my heart. I have three children, 4,2, and 8 months. The 8 month old doesn't have to go with his dad until he is 2, so that keeps it from being too lonely. My girls are leaving today for 4 days, back for 2, and then gone again for 4 more days. I never ever decided anybody or anything was more important than being with my kids, but he did decide that, and I have to pay the price. <p>I keep hearing "You'll find someone better," and while I don't think I could find much worse, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] nothing will ever be as good for my family as a complete, non broken up family. And as a mom of 3 young ones, I'm not exactly hot date material.<p>I never thought that age 31, I would be in this situation. I wonder what I could've done to change it, and what I did to deserve being alone. My head knows the answers to both of those things - nothing - but it doesn't stop me from being lonely. <p>I do know that this Christmas was better than last Christmas, when I first found out about his affair and he kept leaving and coming back, and then spent Christmas day with her, and not with his children and pregnant wife. So it stands to reason that next Christmas will be better than this one. I just keep waiting for the holidays and special occasions to become celebrations again, and not just something to get through. <p>I hope you are feeling good and are able to enjoy the me time. I know I am going to try. And pray a lot! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WhoAmINow (Krista)