Well, we are finalizing our agreement and are getting ready to talk to the kids this Sunday night. They know that divorce is something we have discussed. They know that for several months we have been working on keeping our family intact. So, it is not like this is going to come out of the blue. But we now need to have the "we've decided to go ahead with the divorce" conversation.
Who has done this and what can I expect? Besides the emotion, the fear, the anger... We have 2 sons, almost 12 and 9, and a daughter who is 5 1/2. We are going to have shared physical custody (with him as primary). He is keeping the house. I will get an apt.
Please give me any input or advice.
Thanks

(((Wiffle)))<p>Early this year, I had what I consider the worst day of my life, which was telling my girls (12, 9, & 6) of the upcoming divorce. Let me preface all my other comments by saying MAKE 100% SURE THAT EVERYTHING YOU TELL THEM IS THE WHOLE TRUTH. Unfortunately, my X lied about future school and living arrangements, something that is still haunting my daughters and even more devastating it has become yet another road block in the path of them having a healthy relationship with their mom. So I can&#8217;t emphasize enough, be totally honest.<p>So here is what we did. My x and I had worked out most of the details; i.e. school, holiday sched, living arrangements, etc. We decided that since I was the one who the girls relied on for emotional support that I should take the lead in the discussion. Most importantly we united on all the issues. So one evening we called the girls upstairs and we all sat on the floor in a close circle. I started by saying that we both loved them very much but mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. Followed quickly by the reassurance that this had nothing to do with them or any of their actions. There was no blame laid upon my x of myself, in this conversation it was all &#8220;WE&#8221;. After a period of crying and hugging, I went on to explain all the arrangements; i.e. school and living. Then we opened the floor up to them for ANY questions. Of course, we answered nothing about fault or messing around, just things that directly affected them. A lot of their questions were what you might think is &#8220;dumb&#8221; but the fact is it was a concern to them so we answered everything.<p>I don&#8217;t know how your children will react but I&#8217;ll share how my girls reacted:<p>12yo &#8211; She went into immediate denial and then anger. She then pretty much suppressed all this and has been letting it seep out slowly over the last 9 months. Her school work has been below par to say the least.<p>9 yo &#8211; She was probably the most outwardly affected by this and was always full of questions. I believe this has to do with birth order as well as age. She was probably the most emotional but at the same time the most resilient. <p>6yo &#8211; She did not understand the word &#8220;divorce&#8221; nor did she comprehend it&#8217;s consequences. I had to explain to her that mommy was moving to a different house and pretty much break down to a very easy level. She immediately went into a clingy mode whenever either of us was around. <p>The biggest thing here is to separate y&#8217;alls problems from your children. All they want to know is that it&#8217;s not their fault, you both love them, and where are they going to lay their heads. At this point the less they know about your problems the better.<p>Another thing, if you haven&#8217;t talked with a family counselor yet I would recommend it. There will be some behavior changes that a counselor can explain to you and help you watch for. I give you a quick example. My 9 yo started going through a phase of talking back and basically not listening. We perceived this as just rebellious behavior and punished her accordingly. Well after a couple sessions with a counselor I was given some advice on how to handle things a little differently. So one night my 9yo and I are working outside and I tell her to do something. She started griping and talking back. Instead of getting angry I simply stated &#8220;Honey, I understand that this is hard and I love you.&#8221;. Immediately we both burst into tears and had an incredible conversation. <p>Well I&#8217;ve rambled on long enough. I have no words to explain how sorry I feel for you right now.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Dear LH,
Thank you so much for your reply. We have done some family counseling (the boys, H and me). Also, the 9 year old has been seeing a child therapist on his own for a couple of months. The way you described your girls' reactions is pretty much exactly what I am expecting.
My youngest asked me this question just last week, "Mommy, when did you and Daddy get divorced?" I told her that we haven't gotten divorced and she said, "Oh, I thought you were." Just matter of factly. She said, "Do you get divorced on the same day that you got married?"
I said, No, honey. If people get divorced, I would think they would do it on another day that was not their anniversary. She said, OK.
Like you said, she won't really "get" it. But, we both intend to fully reassure them that we love them. They have done nothing wrong. They are not losing either of us.
One of the points I hope to get across (and I really do feel this way) is that a divorce does not make us not a family. We will always be a family and nothing on earth can change that.
My H and I will continue to have a relationship for the rest of our lives. That is a long time.
Thanks again.

There are also some good books for the younger children like It's not your fault Koko bear and Dinosaurs Divorce. Our child ounselor said t ojust tell the basics. Reassure them that this is not thier fault. You don't even have to go into the mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore because somethimes they think that if you can lose love for your spouse then you can lose love for them too. Just tell them that you love them adn will always love them and nothing will change that. They may press for details but they don't really need to know much. It will just make them worry. Be explicit about living arrangements and how things will be different and how they will stay the same. Let me know how it goes. I may be doing that in the next few months too. K

My kids were the same age as yours when X and I separated. Mine didn't have too many questions. We got both of them into counseling quickly. I was suprised by how much my son, then 8 knew about divorce, step parents, step siblings, half siblings, etc. The biggest question was were was he going to live.<p>My daughter, then 12, was and still is quite about the whole ordeal. My x got her into counseling and there were very professional in that they wouldn't talk to me about my daughter's emotions, or feelings at all, so I never knew how much she was hurting, if at all. My son's therapist told me right along what was going on.<p>My daughter's only concern was whether or not she would have to go to the "trial." I guess she's seen too many divorce courtroom shows.<p>After we've answered these questions, that has seemed to have satisfied them.

Something I'd also like to suggest--is that since you are the one moving out..allow them to help you find a place to live..take them with you to look at places and help you get settled..show them
where they will be sleeping when they are there
and such..I know this helped my kids when their dad moved out..and when you get a new phone give them the number and let them know they can call you ANY TIME..this gives them a sense of security
also..knowing they can call and know where you
are at when they aren't with you...<p>I went through this w/ my kids even when I went back to school and work..they wanted to know where my office was, where I sat during class everything..so that they 'knew' where mom was all
the time when they were at school..since I was no longer at home all the time like I had been before