IT'S TRULY BEEN A LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR ME LAST 8 MONTHS OR SO READING THE POSTS ON THIS SITE. I'M AN EX HUSBAND THAT DESTROYED A 19 YEAR MARRIAGE DUE TO AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. THE A HAS BEEN OVER FOR ALMOST A YEAR. LAST TIME I SAW OW WAS ON JAN. 22 THIS YEAR. THERE'S NO ONE ELSE IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I WANT VERY MUCH TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MY EX-WIFE. THERE IS A LOGISTICAL COMPLICATIN TO THIS BECAUSE WHEN WE DIVORCED IN JULY/2000, HER AND THE THREE KIDS MOVED BACK TO HER HOMETOWN 700 MILES AWAY. ARE THERE ANY SUCCESS STORIES OUT THERE OF SUCCESSFUL RECONCILATIONS. I WAS IN THE MLC TUNNEL FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS. THE EA I HAD WAS ONLY THE LAST TWO YEARS. EX-W WAS SEENG SOMEONE AND WE DO GET ALONG WHEN I VISIT THE KIDS AND WE WENT ON A DATE AT CHRISTMAS. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LET HER WALL DOWN AND I UNDERSTAND THAT. I'M TRYING TO RELOCATE BACK TO WHERE THEY ARE BUT IT'S GONNA TAKE TIME. AGAIN, ANY SUCCESS STORIES I MIGHT BE ABLE TO PASS ALONG TO MY WIFE, I MEAN EX-WIFE, THAT I CAN SHOW HER THAT IT CAN WORKOUT.<p>THANX FOR ANYTHING ANYONE MAY BE ABLE TO PROVIDE.<p>IAMBACK<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: FFOURDRVR ]<p>[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: FFOURDRVR ]</p>

I have no success story to tell, but I would like to wish you good luck.<p>God Bless.

I hope you are able to create your own sucess story by applying the MB principles you are learning here,

I also don't know for any succesful story,but I wish you all the luck you need.
Iwould like to hear such words from my exH.
You gave me a little hope.
Read aabout all MB principles, apply them and be patient-give your exW time.
Good luck

Five years in the MCL, huh? Can you tell a little more about that? What could your wife have done differently while you were going through this time? What finally brought you out of this? <p>I'm in the situation where I'm married to someone going thru this long-term kind of process (though he would deny it). Did you think you were going through it when you were in it or did it just come to you at the end of the fact that whew, that must be what it was!<p>Now, you say you were divorced in 2000 yet your EA ended in January of this year? Did you two get some cslg before you decided to divorce? Who's idea was the divorce?<p>It might be a little slow for you getting responses this weekend as they typically are slower... but you'd know that having lurked for the past 8 months reading... it's just the pattern here I guess.<p>There is a chance for you... you're making/taking the right steps... are you in any accountability group or in with a counselor so that any changes you make now (in order to win your wife back and to get a real sense of yourself) to ensure they are sustainable?! That would be my recommendation.<p>Also, if you're a Christian, try to find a church where the WORD is preached... don't go for the programs... seek the pastor first... listen to his preaching and if you are being spiritually fed by him, then the programs may mean something. If s/he doesn't lead/feed you, then no programs will help. Also, see about finding 2-3 other men that you can get into some accountability group with... maybe meeting in the mornings once a fort night (every other week) or so... find someone (not necessarily your ex-W) but someone that you can be completely honest with... including your temptations. We, in the body of Christ, need to bear with each other and carry each others burdens... this is not something God meant for you to do alone.<p>I'd suggest dating your wife, gently... she will be defensive... it was h#ll for her going thru the betrayal and abandonment... but God is a God of healing and miracles and can soften her heart. You've been away from the OW for a long enough time for her to TRUST that she's not just a rebound until the next *needy* woman comes along to meet your emotional needs.<p>Ah, yes... emotional needs... I'd suggest once you get past dating casually, you'd start with some therapy... she needs to know her part in the conditions that were created that contributed (NOT HER FAULT mind you) to the EA. This will be hard for her b/c YOU made the choice.<p>So, you've got lots of work ahead of you... but the beauty of life all about perseverence... sincerity... honesty... integrity... authenticity. Work on yourself... read all about the Plan A - 4 laws of marriage - avoiding lovebusters... everything that you can in the articles on this site!<p>God bless you... God bless your wife and kids as you start this NEW venture... you're not returning to anything old... that was then... this is now... you're choosing her NOW not going BACK to the way it was... the soil needs to be different and I hope you do the hard work necessary to make it so! NO guarantees!<p>It's hard work, I know! Believe in you... know what you want and take baby steps... yet consistent steps to get there...<p>All the best!<p>Shalom,
Nicole

I GUESS, FIRST OF ALL WHEN YOU'RE IN IT, YOU DON'T KNOW IT. MY EX-W WAS REACHING OUT TO HELP ME THRU THE WHOLE TIME AND ALL I THOUGHT OF WAS NO, THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY ON IT'S OWN. IN MY MIND, SHE WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM EVEN. I THINK IF ANYTHING, THAT COULD HAVE HELPED. NOT PUTTING ANY PRESSURE ON ME. I HAD TURNED MY BACK ON GOD ALSO SO WHY NOT MY WIFE.<p>WHAT BROUGHT ME OUT EVENTUALLY WAS WHEN VISITING MY KIDS TO BE WITH MY DAUGHTER FOR SOME MINOR SURGERY, WHILE BABYSITTING HER, MY EX'S BOYFRIEND SHOWED UP TO BRING HER A GET WELL PRESENT. THE THOUGHT OF MY WIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN AND THE POSSIBILITY OF MY CHLDREN HAVING A STEP-DAD REALLY CLOBBERED ME. PROBABLY THE SAME FEELINGS MY EX GOT WHEN SHE THOUGHT OF ME WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. AT THE SAME TIME, THE OW IN MY LIFE WAS NOT THE PERSON I HAD MADE HER OUT TO BE(I GUESS THEY NEVER ARE). THE WHOLE THING WAS STRICTLY EMOTIONAL FROM THE START. HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND???? <p>WE DID GO TO COUNCILING. WE ATTENDED I THINK FOUR SESSIONS TOGETHER AND WE WENT BY OURSELVES FOR A COUPLE OF SESSIONS APIECE. MY EX ALSO SOUGHT OUT HELP FROM THE FEMALE PASTOR AT OUR CHURCH THAT WE BOTH AGREED REALLY HAD IT TOGETHER. I SHOULD'VE WENT BUT DIDN'T. <p>THIS WAS MY SECOND DEPARTURE FROM THE FAMILY. IN HIND SIGHT, I REALLY WASN'T READY THE FIRST TIME I CAME BACK. STILL IN THE TUNNEL AT THE TIME AND IN EXTREME DENIAL!! THERE'S WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. YEAH RIGHT....<p>MY EX AND I CONCEDE THE DIVORCE WAS MUTUAL. SHE WENT TO THE LAWYER BUT I PUT UP NO RESISTANCE IN GETTING HER TO STOP THE PROCEDURE AND I COULD'VE HAVE REFUSED TO SIGN THE PAPERS. AT THAT POINT, SHE WAS TIRED OF MY INSANITY AND I WAS THE ONE TRYING TO BE PRAGMATIC IN THE STANCE THAT HEY, WE HAVE JUST CHANGED TOO MUCH OVER THE YEARS THAT THIS ISN'T REPAIRABLE ANYMORE SO WE NEED TO MOVE ON. MAN,,,,,,I CAN'T BELIEVE SOME OF THE CRAP THAT WAS COMING FROM MY BRAIN.<p>I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING WHAT'S CALLED DIVORCECARE. IT'S A THIRTEEN WEEK CHRISTIAN BASED SEMINAR I GUESS YOU WOULD CALL IT. IT IS PREDOMINANTLY FEMALE AND IT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL PEOPLE WHO WERE WALKED OUT ON. I HOPE TO LEARN THEIR FEELINGS AND APPLY THEM TO WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME SO I CAN FEEL ALL THE PAIN MY EX HAD. I'D HAVE NEVER TOUGHT THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR A PERSON TO BREAK THEIR OWN HEART BUT, THAT'S WHAT I'VE FELT FOR A LONG TIME. I HAVE TURNED BACK TO GOD THOUGH AND LET HIM HANDLE THE GUILT THAT I CARRIED AROUND FOR SOOO LONG. MY COMPANY HAS AN E.A.P. DOCTOR THAT I PAY VISITS TO EVERY 40 DAYS OR SO. HE'S A GOOD GUY. MATTER OF FACT, HE'S THE ONE MY EX AND I WENT TO SEE PRIOR TO OUR DIVORCE. HE REMEMBERS OUR SESSIONS AND HE'S ONE THAT WOULD KNOW A SNOW JOB IF I WAS TRYING TO FEED HIM ONE THAT I WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING TO GET BACK WITH MY EX.<p>I AM BACK TO ATTENDING CHURCH REGULARLY. I AM IN A SINGLES SUDAY SCHOOL CLASS. I GO TO WEDNEDAY NIGHT FELLOWSHIP SUPPERS AS OFTEN AS I CAN. I PRAY FOR DIRECTION EVERY NIGHT. I DO NOT MAKE WISHES. I ONLY ASK THE ALMIGHTY TO HELP ME RECOGNIZE THE PATHS THAT HE PUTS BEFORE ME. HE KNOWS OF MY DESIRE TO RECONCILE(AS DOES MY EX) AND I KNOW IF IT IS HIS WILL, IT WILL HAPPEN IN HIS TIME ONLY. I WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL TO HIM UNTIL THAT AND AFTER WHENEVER IT MIGHT BE. AS TERRIBLE AS IT IS TO BE SO FAR FROM THE KIDS, I LOOK AT MY PRESENT SITUATION AS A GOOD TIME TO LEARN COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND STRENGTHEN MY SPIRITUAL SIDE AS WELL.<p>I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN BY "ACCOUNTABLITY"? I COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS WHOLE MESS BUT, CHOSE TO IGNORE SIGNS ALONG THE WAY. IN OUR NINETEEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND A COUPLE EXTRA LIVING TOGETHER, I NEVER LONGED FOR ANYONE ELSE EVER! GOD KNOWS THAT FOR A FACT.<p>WE DID GO ON A DATE WHEN I VISITED OVER CHRISTMAS. WE BOTH ACKNOWLEDGED WE WERE BOTH WONDERING WHAT WE WOULD TALK ABOUT. WE WENT TO A MOVIE THEN TO A RESTAURANT FOR SOME FINGER FOODS. WE TALKED ABOUT ME PRETTY MUCH AND HOW I HAD BEEN FEELING OVER THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF. ALL THE THINGS THAT I SHOULD'VE DONE BUT DIDN'T. THE WAYS I SHOULD'VE BEEN PUTTING HER ON A SHELF THE WAY SHE DESERVED. SHE'S NOT THE NEUROTIC TYPE SO IT WOULD BE BECAUSE SHE DESERVES TO BE UP THERE.<p>I HAVE BROUGHT UP MB's SEVERAL TMES AND THAT ANYTIME SHE WANTED TO ATTEND ONE OF THE WEEK-END SEMINARS I WOULD MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS AT THE DROP OF A HAT. IF SHE WANTED TO GET A GOOD HOOK ON WHAT IT IS I'M THINKING AND IF I HAVE LEARNED ANYTHING, IT WOULD CERTAINLY BUBBLE TO THE TOP WHERE SHE COULD ASCERTAIN FOR HERSELF MY SINCERITY.<p>I'VE BEEN STUDYNG PLAN "A" FOR SOME TIME. I MAY NOT HAVE ALL OF MY OARS IN THE WATER BUT, IT SEEMS THAT I WOULD NEED TO SEE MY EX MORE THAN JUST ONCE EVERY 90 TO 100 DAYS FOR ME TO DISPLAY WHAT'S INVLOVED IN PLAN A. PLUS, I'M NERVOUS THAT SHE WILL LOOK AT ME AS BEING A COPYCAT OF THE CURRENT BOYFRIEND WHO ALREADY DOES ALL OF THE A THINGS VERY WELL ACCORDING TO HER.<p>THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY NICOLE. I'M PRAYING GOD WILL GIVE ME THAT CHANCE WHEN IT'S TIME. HE KNOWS WHATS IN MY HEART AND CERTAINLY KNOWS OF MY COMMITTAL TO HIM FIRST AND MY EX AND CHILDREN SECOND. HOPE YOUR EX COMES OUT OF HIS TUNNEL. IT SURE GETS DARK IN THERE. IT'S FUNNY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, MY EX WAS REACHING AS FAR AS SHE COULD INTO THAT TUNNEL TO LEAD ME OUT. THE ONLY THING I COULD SEE WAS THE OW THAT REALLY WASN'T REACHING AT ALL. HOW SAD WE ARE........<p>GOD BLESS YOU NICOLE<p>IAMBACK

Please press the caps lock key and do not type in all capital letters. It is VERY difficult to read.

Hi,<p>I do know some success stories of people who have divorced and ultimately reconcile. None are personal friends but rather acquantances. All divorced for a few years each and ultimately re-married.<p>I know of another couple who divorced after about 30 years of marriage and now live apart, but essentially are a "couple".<p>As a Christian there are web sites you can consult, like "Restore Ministries" and others. There is a program that is affiliated with the Catholic Church (I think) called "Retrouvaille"... a weekend long retreat.<p>I have been divorced for about 1 1/2 years now, ended by my former husband after 13 years of marriage. I don't know if I am "standing" for my marriage anymore because the more the shock of divorce fades and I heal from the emotional and verbal trauma of it all, I don't know who he was or if he was ever whom I thought he was to begin with. And while I love "him" I don't know whether I could ever take him back...maybe after a few years but trust can take a long time to be rebuilt.<p>Like your former wife, I moved 1,000 miles away to be closer to my family. I have 3 little boys. Moving to be closer to your family is the first step you need to take. Everything begins with that. But since you have been gone, you need to realize that your family dynamics have changed as probably has your ex-wife.<p>I have to comment, honestly though, that the fact that you were moved to want your wife back by the appearance of her boyfriend needs some further consideration by you. I wonder if Jealousy and loss is motivating you, rather than love...<p>Anyways, you probably know what you need to do. You must also know that even if you do everything you need to do to win her back, you still may not succeed. <p>Best wishes to you,<p>jetois

I appreciate your honesty. I run all possible reasons for wanting to be back with her daily. If I were lonely, wouldn't I just look around where I am now for anybody to whine to? In the beginning I was angry about here moving but, that's where her support was and I understand. I've heard of rejoiceministries but not the catholic counterpart. I don't for one minute assume anything for the future. It is one day at a time and getting back into my children's lives is very important. I am turning down a very good promotion to facilitate moving and it is a decision I believe I made out of all honesty to myself. The are other positions in my company closer to the kids(and my family also). It's a matter of being patient and faithful to the Lord for however long it takes. <p>I can't tell you how often I havwe wished that people like Dr. Harley of MB, Dr. Jim Conway of the MLC website, Dr. Mike Bellah at bestyears another MLC website coudln't pool their thought processes and come up with a way to get all men to listen to themselves when they are thinking of such terrible, irrational things about their ending of a marriage or abandoning a family for someone they've been in love with for sooooo long. <p>Thank you and have a Happy New Year. The Almighty played a big part in getting me thru last year and I will need His guidance this year and the rest of my lifetime. He's the only one that knows for sure. I w i l l learn from.<p>IAMBACK

Hello again,<p>It sounds as if you are very thoughtful in your endeavors and that is a good thing. Patience is key.<p>I agree with you about all the folks out there who are relationship specialists. If they could all pool their talent and their knowledge it would be incredibly beneficial. <p>Nonetheless, I think that when someone wants out of a marriage, they are in the grips of intense narcissism and grandiose thinking and they believe they have all the answers...none of these "experts" know what they are talking about (my former spouse). Because in most cases, the one who is leaving usually pins all the problems and blame for the marriage on the spouse they have emotionally and physically abandoned. Divorce is the only way they can solve their "problem", ie. get rid of the spouse who has caused them so much unhappiness. <p>I wish however they would put together a program that would be utilized by all the courts when there are families who are being broken by divorce...statistics on the effects on children, etc. It might just help save a few marriages. <p>I hope that all goes well with you. I also think that putting yourself in the shoes of your wife is great. <p>I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Just a note,<p>There is a Catholic based program for marriages in serious trouble, or even for divorced couples called Retrouvaille. There is a web-site that will tell you when they will be doing Retrouvaille weekends in your area. Just do a search using that word.<p>If you want any more info let me know. I did attend a weekend, as have several MB'ers.

I will be praying. Visit www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.net. Both have testimonies of restored marriages even after a divorce. Both sites, the owners were divorced at one time and remarried.
I am just an email away if you need a friend.<p>morriggs@yahoo.com

Ooooh, IAMBACK!!!<p>I forgot about this post! How could I? Too many things going on... like the demolition of our basement! {pound, pound, pound as I type}<p>Anyway, thank you so much for your honest answer... you had the kindness to ask a blessing for me! Well, I'm so thankful that you turned and allowed yourself to be found by God instead of trying to hide any more!!! <p>I read your note and want to cry (but don't to protect myself AGAIN) because I would just LOVE for your note to be the testimony of my H. But, alas, it's not.<p>So, thank you for your openness! I am certain we're headed for divorce. But we're living in a duplex so I'm not likely to run anyway... except into a mad-house! This daily interaction prolongs my pain... I'm going to have to check out the sites you mention for MLC and try to learn more... my H is certainly in a cave and claims he's tired of being DEAD inside. So, that is my fault that he'd dead... claims that I've done it. I know I wasn't perfect... I know I've made mistakes... but I also know that upon confession and a real 180 degree repentence... I'm forgiven.<p>Anyway, take care... hang in there! Read on those sites the others have recommended. I've heard great things about the Restorem site!<p>Now, God bless YOU and may THIS year, 2002, be your BEST year yet! Seek God and He will seek your wife!<p>Shalom,
Nicole

Check out this post by Jayhawk 93.....<p>Be Careful What You Wish For...<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

oooopppssss....double post.<p>[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>

You are all great caring people here. God knows my heart better than I do. He also knows my remorse for the past. Until His time is revealed to me I will continue to come to this board, see my ex's & mine couselor, and see my pastor for spiritual strength. I can take the time to learn from all sources I can so I might be able to present myself as worthy to the wonderful woman I had married back in Sept/1980.<p>Mike

Bless your heart, Mike. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I can remember posting in the "Emotional Needs" Section back in September of 2000 because I didn't understand my husband's behavior.<p>It was MLC! He's out of the tunnel now and moving across the open field. He'd been going though MLC for nearly a year, and I didn't know it until early November-and even then I went through some terrible times with him.<p>Keep working on your ex-wife. Many MLC'ers make tragic mistakes during their MLC that they have to fix when they come out, if they can.<p>I put all in the hands of the Lord, knowing I had to go through these things, but the Lord has pulled me through, along with my husband.<p>If it hadn't been for Him, our marriage wouldn't have made it this far.<p>I found strength I never thought I had, and prayed a great deal for our situation.<p>Keep up the faith, Mike, and understand that the Lord's time and ours is not the same.<p>He will give you the desires of your heart if you but ask him.<p>But understand that your wife, as well as you, have freedom of choice. God gives that to all of us. He had me choose before He would move in my situation, and I had to walk some serious fire to get where I'm at now.<p>Pray constantly, and keep the faith. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am far enough in recovery this time to say that I think we are a success story. Read my signature line. Divorce/Remarriage and having been through the ordeal does not guarantee you from not going through it again. Just be realistic. Get into marriage counseling - we are doing Imago Therapy - if you know a counselor who knows about this method - it has really helped us.