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Joined: Jan 2002
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Husband of 21 years told me on our anniversary in November that he wanted out, and had had enough.
BLINDSIDED. We talked about the fact that we do have kids and they will be hurt the most from this. Tried to find out what he has had enough of, and each question I asked his response was I dont Know. <p>Says he has been unhappy for years. He is a workaholic. Even the kids have said so.
Personally I think he is overworked and just isnt seeing anything clearly.
Seems like i am living with an alien. dont know what to expect from one minute to the next.<p>We got through christmas, it wasnt bad ..he even bought me a gorgeous necklace. He doesnt always get me jewlery. I was shocked, and pleased and assumed that maybe he had done some thinking. WRONG. Now I think it was just guilty consience.
He was crying when he told me on our anniversary he had enough. So obviously its hurting him as much as me. He is not a mean person, and really doesnt like to hurt anyone.
I believe there have been communication problems in our marriage for a while, and tried to tell him, but for some reason when I approached him, in a gentle way...he blew it off like I was crazy. Now he is seeing what I have known for a whle and HE wants out????? I dont want a divorce, have read divorce busting and divorce remedy...also on the board there MLC. Not getting much responses tho.
He appears to be depressed, and very unhappy. We talked last friday and he declared that he didnt think he would be staying. We talked a bit, and then he said the same thing but emphasized the word THINK??? what does all this mean. I am really confused, one minute he is nice the next he cant wait to get away from me. Says he loves me like a sister, too little too late etc etc. I am trying to be lovingly supportive...like the DR book recommends...but dont know how long I can do this. I love him with all my heart. but am angry at the same time, because if he has been unhappy for years as he claims...then why didnt he say something...when I asked him he said he was burying his head in the sand. I then said , well if you leave your doing the same thing, and your unhappiness will go with you, you will hurt your family, and you will probably not be happy in your new environment for long. He needs to fix the problem here....then if he still feels this way, I agree part ways. ONLY after we have tried everything possible to salvage this. He did say he still likes, me. I am wondering another woman.He said no, right at the beginning, and given his work life, dont know where he would find the time. I think the OW is his work. A place to hide from the problems at hand.
He is still sleeping in our bed....no intimacy tho, but if he feels like he says...why is he sleeping there.
Offered a couple of suggestions to him...take a holiday by himself to get a break, or take a month or two separation, see how he feels after that. My gut tells me this isnt what he wants....I am not in denial...not that type of person...i take the bull by the horns so to speak.
If I honestly thought he would be happier without us I would pack up his stuff for him. I dont want to live in an unhappy life.
counselling he teetered on agreeing to, but i have to find one...made some calls and got a few names, and now gonna check them out, before I give them to him. Told him tho that I was going to counselling with or without him. I need the support.<p>Any advice from anyone out there as to what the heck is going on, and what can I do differently, cos I really want to save this marriage. There is no substance abuse, physical abuse, so I think its worth a shot. Any suggestions as to how I get him to see that this is worth saving???????

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In almost all cases where the H in a long term marriage suddenly "has been unhappy for years" there is an OW. <p>In retrospect, my advice would be to protect yourself and your kids financially. There is a good chance that sooner or later you will see intense anger on his part. Don't count on anything. If he has been a good father, don't count on it staying that way. If you are absolutely certain he is responsible and would support his kids under any circumstances, don't count on that either.

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My ex of 29 yrs told me the exact same thing and on our anniversry also. There was another woman in our situation, and he is still with her. I am praying that is not the case for you.
My advice would be to just take it slow--don't rush into anything--if he talks divorce, just let him be the one to file. Try not to question him, or push at him to resolve the situation. Much easier said than done.

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I'm sorry that you're going through this....<p>Read and post.... vent here....<p>There is I book I found, and I wish I would have found it back in 10/99. Its called... Love Must Be Tough... by James Dobson. I know its hard to even concentrate at a time like this. Take Care of you.... <p>s

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<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

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Probably in the majority of cases there is someone else involved. But not in every case.<p>Workaholism, like alcoholism and any other addictive coping mechanism, can lose its power as a coping mechanism over time. In the absence of any other means of keeping buried whatever issues are being buried, the hunt for a scapegoat is on.<p>For various reasons, the spouse generally ends up being the scapegoat.

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I sympathize with you, have gone through a similar situation. My husband left me after 12 years of marriage when I was delivering our 3rd child.<p>He denied for over a year that there was another woman so I chalked everything up to workaholism, depression, etc, until, one day, I don't know why and could not explain how it occurred to me to do this, but I hit the re-dial button on our telephone and got into his voice mail at work. Discovered lots of interesting messages from the proverbial "other woman"...<p>Because my former husband appeared to be a true family man, worked hard for me and for the kids, it seemed impossible that he would have time for someone else. But he did. I ultimately discovered that not only did he have time for her (and possibly others) but he spent all that we had on her (and others) and indebted our family as well in pursuit of these and other entertainments. <p>I do not know anyone who has ever left a sound marriage for the reasons your husband is giving. I am no expert but I have been to enough support groups and through enough counseling to know that you don't walk away from a good and loving spouse for nothing....<p>What you have now is a man who is looking out for himself. My advice to you is to seek good legal advice immediately. You don't have to file for anything right now but you do need good counsel. And I would second the suggestion on the book "Love Must Be Tough" minus the proseletizing about marriage and commitment. <p>The sure way to kill whatever prospects for your marriage is by inundating him with questions, or even "being there" for him. Distance yourself immediately, not vindictively, but quietly. Maintain your dignity and self-respect. Most of all, play your cards close to your chest.<p>If you are at all religious, there are some good groups out there on the web, like Covenant Keepers and there is also through the Catholic Church a program called Retrouvaille. <p>I also suggest that you really take care of yourself, hard as that may be. Seek the help of those who love you, get your rest and find a good counselor and support group.<p>I'll keep you in my prayers,

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Having been divorced a few years, I've had a little time to reflect. But oddly, I still feel my guts ripped out when I read your words, as you got hit over the head with the message that you never thought you'd hear: I want out. You know him better than anybody, but now he seems like a complete stranger. No man says this without having given it deep and long thought. He's had a wonderful wife, it sounds like, to care for his worldly needs. This is going to be difficult to leave. Take him seriously, but don't jump into anything prematurely. Try and deal with the shock, knowing so many of us have been there. And survived.

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Kathy I feel for your pain. My H of 15 yrs gave me the same 'I want out' message on valentines day morning last year. Found out he was very involved with a single coworker who had been urging him to divorce me to be with her. He said he didnt love me, only loved her, was leaving me, etc etc! I was completely shocked as he too is a workaholic family oriented type man. We have 3 kids ages 14, 10 and 4. I had no idea he was so unhappy in our marriage. He wasnt one to reveal deep feelings to me. I knew we were in a 'rut' but never to THAT extent!!! I refused to cave to H and OW's demands for a speedy divorce, instead I read Love Must be Tough and combined that advice from that book with Harley's advice in Surviving an Affair. H moved out for 6 wks then back in and slept on the couch and wouldnt touch me for another 2. Then filed for divorce on me then finally CRACKED and realized was making the 'worst mistake of his life' in his words. We have been in therapy for a year now. Marriage can be HARD WORK. Affairs are appealing to their easy fantasy-like secretive nature. But that DOESNT last. I stuck around till the 'thrill' of it wore off for H and he finally could see what he was RISKING. lifeismessy

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It is so helpful to listen to everyone's reponses on this topic. My husband admitted to me the week before X-Mas that he wanted a divorce. He said that he has always questioned our marriage. He also told me that if our marriage was meant to be, then why would he question it. He wants passion and someone who knows him better then he knows himself. I convinced him to go to marriage counseling once with me. He said he couldn't make me any promises. We went and the counselor told him that if you are never willing to make any changes in your life, nothing will ever change. He said that we could get a divorce and my H might find someone else that he thinks is totally different from me, but eventually the same problems will come up because he has never learned to deal with them.<p>Even though the counselor had some really good thought provoking things to say, my H says he doesn't want to go anymore and he doesn't think it will change how he feels. He has fealt this way for years and has given this a lot of thought. I have asked him MANY times if there is someone else and he says no. But I agree with the other posts. Why do you leave without even trying to make it work if there isn't something or someone out there you think is better. We have a beautiful 15 month old daughter and I just can't figure out how he can walk out on her!! Because of his X-Mas revelation, we didn't spend the holiday together. Therefore, he left today with our daughter to go visit his family in Nebraska for four days. It was the hardest thing leaving her this morning to come to work. I just can't imagine how he is going to live without her everyday. <p>What has really helped me is that I am continuing the counseling by myself. My physician has also given me a prescription for an anit-depresant. Although I know some people are against this, it has helped me focus on what I need to do without being so emotional and devastated. And I know right now, I need a clear head. He has not moved out and like you is still sleaping in our bed, although nothing physical takes place. I have made the decision that if this is what he wants, he can do EVERYTHING!! File for divorce, sell the house, etc.. I am planning on talking to an attourney and I would recommend you do the same. If nothing else, it will let us know what we can expect if our H's do go through with this.<p>Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Whatever happens, you have to take care of yourself!!

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My H of 17 years blindsided me as well on 10/17/01. Said he didn't love me anymore and wanted out. He came back in 12/01 but nothing has been resolved.<p>I want to give you hope, because that is what I have for my relationship. I too think that my H is a workaholic and that he has allowed all of his energy to be sucked up by the job. <p>So here goes --<p>I don't agree that you should not "be there" for him. Maybe I'm wrong, but he may need you now more than ever. Think through the issues and try to come up with a set of possibilities. For example -- does he really love his job? Can you afford for him to quit it? If he were relieved of his job would he be able to cope with everything else? Can you focus him on something else? Give him hope?<p>Make home as pleasant and relaxing as possible. Massages. Hot baths for him. Candle light. Read to him. <p>Do you go to church together? Would he consider it? Most everyone I know that goes tells me they feel better afterwards. I certainly do and mny husband does too.<p>Pray -- pray for strength for yourself and that he can see things more clearly. If he says there isn't another woman, take him at his word.<p>I know this may sound a bit simple, and I am in the middle of what you are going through. THere are times when you have to do what you can and leave things in God's hands and have faith. This is one of them.<p>Good luck. I will pray for you as well.

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I was blindsided as well and his request for a divorce seemed to have no basis. Then within one week I found out about his affair. When confronted he told me all the things that I have read on the other posts about never loving me, etc. He had the perfect family. Two beautiful children, a devoted wife, blah, blah, blah and he threw it away.<p>Get to counselling. He needs to figure out what it is that is making him feel this way. If not for the sake of the marriage then at least for the sake of your long term sanity. He has to look at it like a ripple effect. Every decision he makes now effects so many people. He better be damn sure of what he is doing. I doubt he is. Which gets back to my original point of counselling.<p>My ex called me a couple of months after separating, literally have a nervous breakdown on the telephone. It's hard to distance yourself from the pain but if you can, they really are the people that need the most long term help. This isn't about anything you have done wrong.

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First of all THANKYOU all for your support and kind words. They really help.<p>Here is an update where I am now. H hasnt said anything more about leaving or staying. He is distant one minute and polite the next.
I had gone back to school in Sept for a nursing upgrade. I pased ....he was supportive in all of it.
Then as said above he dumbs the bomb on me in Novemeber.
Never the less...I went out last week to a couple of job interviews...out of fear really to be honest...I am afraid if he leaves...I dont make enough money at the job I was at to support us all. There would be four of us.
I got the job...which pays double what I was making...He was really happy,,,,kept saying GOOD FOR YOU...then he asked me how much I would be making...stupid me told him...I say that because I am wondering if he has been advised to wait, cos if I am making more he doesnt have to pay as much????or am I just being paranoid. Anyhow...I am hoping that he may see me in a different light, when I start to see myself in one. A respectable job...the past job was a marketing co. that I took when we finacially needed me to get ANYTHING to get through.
I loved nursing when I did it before. I am looking forward to doing it again.
I have an appointment Monday for a councelor...havent told H cos not getting the sense he is even interested at this point. She called to confirm the time...told her that H probalby wouldnt be coming...she said she can work with me....Not knowing much about marriage counceillors...is this true...can she help me to save our marriage without him????
I am going book shopping tomorrow for the books suggested. Cant hurt.<p>Part of me sees a very confused scared man...and at other times...he seems very resentful about being here if he is here at all..He came home early last night...i got him dinner. Then he stayed upstairs playing bridge on the puter. didnt bother with any of us at all. I didnt make anything of it. Leaving him alone. <p>when we went to bed...he jokingly said...well I guess tomorrow is your last day at work huh? Isaid ya..and it would be sad...he then said na, youll be ok....I did it before, and you will still see your freinds just different. I was shocked at the support he tried to give me.<p>He even gave ME a hug, this morning before he went to work, guess for support for my last day at work.<p>He also has planned to drive me to my new job for the orientation. Also wanted to know what time I get off if I work evenings. <p>Its such a horrible feeling to live with someone and not even know what to say, eggshells all the time. I just wonder if it always will hurt this much or will it go away. cos right now it feels like I am never going to feel better.<p>Bottom line...he will be hurting MANY people if he does this....and I hope he has the sense to figure out what the problems are. or at least work on them...they will follow him wherever he goes.
I will keep posting, as the support is amazing..not in any shape right now..to help anyone else...but will when the dust settles a bit.
My prayers are will all of you going through this...none of us deserve it.

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All of us here have had the same shock, never thinking we would hear such words from the one person we trusted the most. They came none the less, and we have learned to live day to day, sometimes minute to minute. I am always saddened to learn of someone else going through the deer in headlights stage...but we have made it. Do continue to come here where people will "honor" your story. We care or we wouldn't be here. Stay strong and pray, pray, pray.

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KathyMC --<p>Welcome to MB. You're in the right place (just look at all of these responses already to your situation) and you're sure to get lots of help and support from the kind people here. <p>I'm very sorry for your pain. It's incredibly painful to go through this--but you will get through it. Most of us are hurting too and some have been exactly where you are and perhaps are right now, which means you're sharing your story with the right folks.<p>I agree that you probably should post this over in the General Questions II Forum, a more-active BB, but you are getting feedback here so...your call.
My guess is more of the people you will want to have contact with are over there, but not necessarily.<p>"What's going on?" you ask. Well, I'm not an expert, just a fellow sufferer, but my guess would be another woman. Unfortunately, the odds seem to favor that explanation when, out of the blue, come statements and responses like you're hearing. Who wants to hear that? But...his work could be the OW! <p>I also agree that things are worth saving (especially with a 21-year investment) and it's certainly worth more than a shot. The suggested books are excellent (get Surviving An Affair first) and getting professional guidance with counseling--if possible, both together and individally--will help too.<p>Keep posting here (thanks for your update) and stay in touch with us. We hear you and know what you're going through and we are here for you. We care...<p>Ammon

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pennywhistler --<p>I should welcome you also to MB. I see your post here is your first with us and it's an excellent one; warm and supportive and full of sound advice. We're very glad you're with us and we hope to hear more from you--especially with posts like that one!<p>Again, welcome here and make yourself at home...<p>Ammon

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Kathy,<p>I'm glad you found this forum! I was in a very similar situation and would have loved to have this kind of support. You can make it through this even though at times you may not feel like you can. <p>I have to agree with the other "posters" that more than likely there is someone else. Prepare yourself for the possibility that another woman is involved. I never thought it was possible either but read in a book (How to Save Your Marriage Alone)to be prepared for it. It was good advice and helped me to handle it much better than I thought I could. Although I didn't know about plan A or this forum at that time, it is basically the same things I had "tried" to follow but without support you will have here. My husband and I are very happy now but without a doubt I could have handled the whole situation a lot better with this support. Take full advantage of the sound advice you will get here. I will be praying for you and your family. <p>
Becky<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Mybabysbaby ]</p>

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Hi Kathy,<p>Congratulations on the job. This is definitely a step in the right direction for you!<p>It will also help you to get your mind off of him and your problems. The books will be good, too. Just don't let him see you reading them. You do not want to give him the impression that you are desperate to save the marriage. To a certain degree you have to become private about this.<p>One thing that I remembered: when I was a teenager and new at dating, my father gave me a bit of advice that is beautiful in its simplicity: "Make yourself a mystery". I hate game playing but that is what you might have to do at this point in your marriage. <p>Now more than ever you need to keep your focus on yourself. Don't analyze him, don't fret about him, just concentrate on yourself and your children. The less you bother with him the better off you will be. Be kind, be polite but make time for yourself. And be sure to contact the best divorce attorney in town. Knowledge is power.<p>About your salary, the way it works in many states is that the parents income is pooled for child support and then each parent pays a percentage of it toward child support. But find out how it works in your state.<p>I am thinking about you and hoping that you will stay strong and that things will work out.<p>Your husband will hurt alot of people if he does decide to leave; usually that is not incentive enough to stay. <p>Good luck with the new job, that is great news!


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