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Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 297
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db713 Offline OP
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18 yr old daughter went away to college in August, and daughter lived with Aunt and Uncle while attending school. Six weeks after school starts she moves out of their home and in with a guy who 3 yrs older than her, and actually lives with his parents! Daughter and her father had many "discussions" about this, but daughter did not contact me. After I found out the situation, I did email her and expressed my opinion the best I could without alienating her.She only contacted me twice since then and our conversations were brief and did not include her living arrangements.
Her dad bought her an airline ticket and she has been here visiting for one week. She is staying with her father and OW he left me for five yrs ago. The day before she arrives, ex sends me an email asking if I would get her put on birth control pills--I basically said that if she was old enough to do what she has done, she is capable of making her own appt since she is of legal age. I said by me setting up appts, etc, it meant I was condoning what she was doing. However, I did tell him that when she got back to college, she should contact my sister in law and get the name of her doctor.
I have seen my daughter for 2 hrs since she has been in town and we were to be going out tomorrow night and I was going to approach the subject with her.
When I got home from work tonight , there was an email waiting for me-seem ex and OW made arrangements for daughter to be examined today and put on the pill! I am just furious that I was not even included or notified till this was over and done with! I am also very disappointed in the fact that my daughter could not even bring up the subject with me, but doesn't seem to have a problem talking with ex and OW!!
Am I totally off base here, or so out of touch with reality?? Has anyone else had this type of experience. I need to hear what others have done in these kind of situations. I don't even know what to say to my daughter when I see her tomorrow! Help!
By the way, I know OW lurks on here on occasion, so she may see this.

Joined: Apr 2001
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I'd go with just asking her if she felt uncomfortable talking to you about this, if you feel a need to have what amounts to a relationship talk. You might also tell her that now she is an adult, and living on her own, you would like her to feel comfortable talking with you about life and stuff so you can help her make good decisions, and promise not to lecture or judge (if you have that preoblem)...and then just have a good time with your daughter. As you said she is an adult, and was her decision to accept the ow help, I also assume she has had a relationship with ow since she was 13. I hope that even though I am sure the end of your marriage was traumatic, that the ow has been a decent step-mom to your daughter.

Joined: Jan 2002
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This is just my opinion and you can get mad at me if you want. I accidentally found a condom package in the toilet one night after I came home from work. My daughter was 16 at the time and had been dating a boy that was 17 for almost a year. I took the package out of the toilet and told her it was not mine and I'll discuss this with you in the morning. She was full of guilt the next morning and came in my bedroom crying. I just told her I was glad she was smart enough to use a condom, but I didn't approve of them having sex. I told her I still loved her and I was disappointed because I wanted her to wait until she got married, but what was done was done. I then told her if this was something she still wanted to do I would put her on the pill.<p>She is 17 now and still dating the same boy, but he has graduated. I put her on the pill for several reasons, not just to have sex, to help stabilize her hormones, acne and so she would not make a mistake and ruin everything she has going for her.<p>I've been divorced for 2 yrs and my X was furious when he found out and called me some very ugly names. I did not consult him because they have a bad relationship and it would make matters worse. I think maybe your daughter felt more comfortable talking to your X than yourself. Girls at that age have a hard time talking to their parents, especially if you were not that close to begin with. My daughter is extremely close to me and I have always told her I would understand and not get mad. I don't know the answer, but don't blame your X and OW because your daughter will resent it. In a positive way, tell her you were glad she went to someone and you are more than willing to listen if she just wants to talk. Don't push your daughter into talking because she will close up. My girls come up with some of the strangest conversations when we are just having fun relaxing. Most of all, just listen don't lecture and make sure you tell her you love her no matter what her decision is, but to be responsible about her actions because it could affect the rest of her life.

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db713 Offline OP
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Thank you both for the replies. My daughter and I were actually very close, and I am not a lecturer or yeller when it comes to discussing issues with her--but her father is! That is what surprized me. What I am angry aboutis that I was not given the opportunity to even talk with her tonight before this was all decided.As for her relationship with OW--all I've heard for several years, is how strange the OW is, and that they didn't really talk--just seemed to tolerate each other for her fathers sake-in the past 5 yrs, they really haven't spent that much time together, compared to other blended families. I guess daughter was closer to her than she has let on.
Again, I thank you for the opinions.

Joined: Oct 2000
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Hello,
I had a similar problem in Jan last year.
My OD, then 18yrs old and living with her father and OW by her wish (we were never strongly close) accidentally mentioned that she (one yr relationship) used condomes. In spite of the fact that I am MD, PhD..... I was a bit schocked. In my eyes she was a little girl but I didn't allow this sentence to pass with no comments. I thanked her for the information and for her being enough smart to protect herself.
Then, when we met again (what was quite rare at that time and I assumed she had a briliant relationship with OW) she asked me to arrange the appt with a doctor and I did-she was put on pills from then on. I thanked her having trust in me.
In my case she asked ME for help, I think cause I am MD and she knew how jellous her father was to that boy (and so proud for she chose living with him and OW). OW is 10 yrs younger than my ex and me but I became aware she was not close to her as much as I thought.
I think in your place I would be very disappointed she didn't consult ME about such a question.
But please, try to be calm when talking to her, try to praise her for taking care about the possible pregnancy and maybe offer her your help and uderstanding if she would have some more "problems", dillemas. Try not to accuse ex or OW and mostly her for anything. Show her that you are still her best mamma who she can contact about any problem in her life.<p>This english will kill me but I hope you understood me.
Be the most loving and caring mom today.<p>Best wishes

Joined: Jul 2001
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Please make sure she is using condoms too! Too many scary diseases out there!<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Joined: Sep 1999
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Why do we insist on pressing our children (daughters and sons alike) into promiscuity?<p>Why can't we confess our failures...
...and tell them with all honesty...
...THEY CAN DO BETTER THAN US!<p>That...
...sex before marriage
...living together before marriage
...is asking for "past" "present" and "future" dishonesty!<p>The pain of STDs...
The loss of fertility... and possibly future children...
The risk of AIDS...
The loss of the most important gift you can give your spouse!!!<p>Is our society so strong in saying...
...it's OK
...it's too much fun
...if you don't you'll be a freak???<p>Heaven help us!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Joined: Aug 1999
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Hi,<p>I have two young adult daughters (19 and 20) and I told them how I defiled my body in the 1970's and how much I hated myself -- I not only told them, I told their friends too... and the highest compliment I recieved is when one of my oldest daughter's friend said that she's still a virgin because of what I told her (I am the QUEEN of "Don't do what I did" [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] )... <p>My 19 year old daughter is still a virgin, but the 20 year old had a serious boyfriend at 18 and came to me about birth control and STD advice. Yes, I tried to discourage her, but if she was SURE she would be making love to her boyfriend, I wanted to make sure she was as safe as possible - so - yes, she got on the Pill and used condoms too (they were both virgins). Now... she and the boy broke up about a year ago and she hasn't had a boyfriend since that time (not serious anyway) so she's off the pill. <p>I agree with Jim that the world is all backasswards about sex (as it's been since before I was a teenager in the 1970's)... and boy, it's DANGEROUS out there these days (no more batch of penicillin to cure ya! <be very afraid> ... although Jim didn't put it the same way I have here [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>I also told my 17 year old son about my prior-to-marriage life, and he's a virgin too... so ya know... I think honesty (and the FEAR OF GOD) works pretty well...<p>[ January 12, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>


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