This might be long, please be patient. Divorce questions...first let me say that I've been in Plan A for a month or so and WS can see that I've changed and has admitted to it. I think she's still confused. Well, here's the story. WS wants to have an uncontested divorce. I get most property at first. Children will stay with me for a couple years until she gets her AA degree and then I will turn physical custody over to her at that point and give her property that belongs to children (f7 and m4). Joint custody the throughout. She will get the 'good' car and I will make the payments on it until she finds a job to make them. She will get one credit card, I get the other. Both paying their respective bills. I get the rest of the bills and take care of them. I am responsible for medical care on both children at all times and will pay childcare for them and pay her child support. OK that's the major stuff. Not alot of debt between us, less than 20,000 total. No home, no investments, just small debts. OK, that sounds reasonable to me IF, I was the one who would be leaving. BUT, she is the WS and has abandoned me and our kids by moving out and moving in with OM. She also thinks it's perfectly OK to have kids around OM anytime and they will have to accept him as her new man. This OM was my BF and kids do like him. Don't think that they realize what's going on. Daughter does because she sees them hugging and kissing each other. Well, OM is in D right now too and has a D of his own. He will not get custody, I'm assuming. What I think needs to be done is for me to contest the divorce and have joint custody and physical custody. She can have the car and the credit card along with the bills that go with them. But I have the kids and all the other stuff. I think that's pretty fair. And she will have to pay child support too. Of course, once she finds employment. She has none now. Here's the tricky part. I told her in the beginning that I would not contest the divorce, but at that time, there was no OM. I will contest if I have to, but I don't want to fight it. All this has only been going on since mid November and I don't think she's out of the fog yet and doesn't realize what she's doing. I'm not the only one who sees that. Family and friends see it too. I still love her and want her to come home and work things out, but I'm afraid that she will push the D if she has the money. If she has the money and pushes this so early, then I'm afraid she will continue and end up wishing she'd have waited. Based on everything that's happened in the last couple months, I think she doesn't know if she loves OM or if she still loves me and not sure if she wants to be with me or not. I think she's very confused. H**l, I am too. Well, the money...I have promised her that I would give her half of our income tax refund and that would be enough to push the uncontested D through. She also wants to return to school, but needs that money to pay for her first semester back. Tax refund is not enough to do both. Which will she choose? School or D? I'm not sure. I would assume that she would choose school over D because she is so confused, but I'm just not too sure. She's very confusing to me right now and I can't tell one day to the next what her plans are. She still thinks that she will get custody of the children no matter what. I don't think any court would giver her custody after what she has done. Would her abandoning me and the kids be enough for me to keep physical custody of the children? Should I pursue the D before she does? Is there any way I can protect myself and my children? There's no way she can prove me an unfit father, but by what she's done now, I think I can prove her an unfit mother. Remember, I don't want any of this to happen. I still want my WS back, but I don't want her back if she TRULY doesn't love me. Am I making sense. I believe if she waits on the D, then she come to reality and see what she's doing and realize that she just might still love me and want to come back. But I'm scared that right now she's not going to use her head and wait to find out what she TRULY wants. Anyone out there been through this? Anyone with any advice? Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.

Broken Mate,<p>When it comes to threats of divorce and irresponsible behavior, go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. Don't trust WS to look out for you or tell you the truth. I read your other post, and she is deep in the fog. The OM doesn't sound like a man that should be around your children with the drug thing and all.<p>My advice: 1. protect your children and that means your financial ability to take care of them. See a lawyer. Do it while WS is gone.<p>2. Do your best to Plan A and work on the areas of yourself that you know need work, the Love Busters, and trying to meet her needs as best you can. This will be hard with her living with OM.<p>This is a lot like an airplan BM. First, put your oxygen mask on, THEN you can help those around you.<p>Read more on this site. Your marriage can be saved but it will be hard work and a lot of ups and downs.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Need More...Bump

You need to see a lawyer as to what your rights and obligations are but if the children are with you and she has "abondoned" them then think twice about what you are agreeing to. You are being extremely generous because you love her. You are thinking that by agreeing to what she is asking that you will seem more attractive/accomodating and that she may "wise up" and see you as the more attractive prospect. I apologize for being blunt but you should protect yourself at this point because she won't. Do what is right for both yourself and the children. She has issues and needs to resolve them. It's difficult to be the witness to a train wreck and even worse to have to be affected by the fall out. Do what is best for you. That is going to be so difficult now though because you are used to making decisions based on "us".<p>Do not file for divorce. Let her do that. I filed for divorce immediately upon finding about their affair and regret it to this day. It forced everyone's hand.

Broken Mate,<p>It never hurts to know what your legal rights are in case of a divorce. But know that an attorney you speak with will likely charge you for the counsel.<p>My opinion is that you should NEVER file for divorce unless YOU have decided that you would be better off divorced. If you don't feel that way, then don't file. If she is so desperate to be off on her own, she will file. If you come to decide that you are better off severing the connecting and moving forward with your life, then you file for YOU and your kids.<p>The best advice I was ever given here was this: don't act when you are highly emotional. In other words - don't let emotions such as anger or hurt drive you to actions that you might regret later when the anger and hurt have subsided a bit. Spend time in thoughtful deliberation of your life and your situation. The ramifications affect your children, too, so the decision should not be taken lightly on your part. If she files and divorces you in a hurry, then the mistake be hers and not yours. <p>Know that I was the one who eventually filed, but it took me 14 months to get there. And, I eventually did it for ME, not my WH.<p>Good luck, Desiree

Broken Mate,<p>Let me get this straight...<p>She wants the divorce...<p>She wants you to take the children for two years, then she'll uproot them back in two years...uprooting them from the life they know...<p>She wants the good car and she wants you and the children to have the older car...<p>She doesn't want to pay child support...<p>She wants you to struggle to pay the payments on the good car and to pay health care for the children...<p>She wants to go to college and get a degree while you are doing all this so later she can live a happy prosperous life, and again...then take back the children full time, even though for two years they will find stability in the home you have for them...<p>After two years, of you working your tail off to being both mother and father to the children...taking on all the responsibilities, finacially and otherwise...driving you and the kids back and forth in an old car...AFTER ALL THIS...then she will get the children back, have a great prosperous life with a new career...while you miss the heck out of your children, while they are moved from the only home and parent they have known for two years...and NOW you only get them every other weekend....<p>Have I got all this right??????? <p>Good luck,<p>ANNA<p>P.S.<p>I know you say joint custody, but often joint custody isn't fair custody...Also, if she has primary custody in two years, she could possibly move them out of state if her wonderful, new degree takes her to a wonderful, new job out of state.<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Hey Broken Mate,<p>I agree with pretty much all of the responses. Answer Anna2000's questions; as I was reading your post, they're the same ones I had.<p>1. She is caught in a whirlwind right now. Do not respond to anything she says or does right now. She is not the person that you married right now and you cannot trust her. You must be a solid rock for yourself and your kids. In time, you may be the solid rock that she seeks in order to find shelter. Let her fly around in the hurricane all she wants, but you must remain calm. Be at peace with yourself and your kids. Our situations are very similar, the difference being that my WS XW gave me pretty much everything I wanted, including custody.<p>2. You must do what is right for the kids and yourself. Do not make any promises to her as far as the future. I think it's best that you let her go for now. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and right now you are enabling her to do so by making promises about the present and the future.<p>3. If you want the kids, get them and keep them. Right now, you are the better parent. That may change in the future, but you don't know that. Do not make any promises in hopes of getting her back.<p>Let her go for now and I think you'll see some surprising results. She has you on a string right now. Cut it.<p>Kevin<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</p>

One Question, how do I cut that string? I have let her go, but I have told her I will be there to help and she's taking FULL advantage of that. If I "cut the string" I feel like I will just be pushing her further away. So, How do I cut the string?

Anna,
Pretty much what you said was right on target. This is what she has asked of me...of course, until she can pay for the car and stuff herself, but until then, I am supposed to do all that.

I can't help, in my situation, to remember the old addage "why buy the cow when the milk is free..". I don't intend to be mean but I am not going to help my X one little bit...I did so much that he didn't appreciate...and I would like him to realize that, and learn to appreciate me, whether it changes him or not! For instance, he asked me to cut his hair. I told him that it was difficult for me to "let go and move on" (as he says we should) and have that sort of contact with him, so for my sake I would not. He'd forgotten how much a hair cut cost. I want him to remember all those 100 other little things, too.<p>Karen