H CALMLY told me tonight that he had an apt. for feb 1. wasnt overley surprised all things considred..but I just dont know where to go from here. I am an emotional reck. He says he is not happy....da da da da.
Kids dont know yet...he says he is goonna tell them when he gets back from his trip to Montreal this friday. that would mean 10 days till he leaves...says he is giving me 2000 a month. Then I would also have what I make...so in that respect we iwll be ok. Want it in writing tho.<p>This just hurts so much...I tried to act like a lady...went up and asked him if he was still my freind....he said was hoping to be. But dont think it is or ever will be anything more now.<p>How can you spend 21 years with a man...and have him pull this..I dont feel safe...its the most awful feeling I have ever experienced in my life.<p>Dont know what the kids will think....he said he would like thme to be Part of his life. But with his work schedule....i dont imagine he will have a lot of time to offer them...<p>my heart breaks for them...I did everything I could to try and salvage this to no avail.<p>What is the best way to help my kids through this..\
What do I do if for some reason they blame me...if only cos I am the one around to blame.
Please help with any advice. really need support right now.

Oh Kathy,<p>I am so sorry, you were right about his plans. I wish I had some great advice, but all I can say is I know how much you hurt.<p>You mentioned he was calm. MB teaches us to be calm and not LB, or beg, or cry, or plead because it is such a turn-off and doesn't change a thing. But Kathy, I think you can tell him this is not what you want and that you love him -calmly. <p>You will probably know very soon if there is an OW. I saw someone here write a stat that in most cases, where a long term marriage with children ends it is almost always due to an OW/OM. If that is the case, again you are in the right place to deal with it. Since you are not seeing your other therapist, why don't you give Dr.H a call?<p>I am not a believer in letting infidels slink out the back door calmly, as friends. What he is doing is NOT,NOT,NOT okay. It's not friendly, it's cowardly and abusive. I don't have kids BUT if I did I would have told him that 2/1 was the exact date I was planning on leaving too, so better set up something for kids - adoption! Why does any parent/partner just get to walk away and assume the other will just take up the slack? Don't even say it, I'm crazy and unrealistic.<p>Will he even consider some counseling? I mean if he has 'some problem' is there NO room for discussion? While you seem happy with HIS financial decision, what gives him the right to make any of these choices without consulting you? <p>For now, just be good to yourself, vent and do whatever it is YOU need to do. It does take some time for this reality to sink in.<p>I hope you are okay Kathy.<p>IS

Thankyou IS<p>Nope I am not ok....doubt if I will ever be ok again. I dont know what I did to deserve this...<p>And the kids....well THEY have NOTHING to do with this but their world is now going to be rocked like never before.
How can you live with someone and trust them only to find they pull this crap on you. Does he even know what love is???<p>this morning I called my daughters councellor gave them the scoop on what was going on here...also let my sons school know as well so they can be ready for him when the bomb falls.<p>Trying to set up councelling for all of us. Dont think i can be there councellor and look after me too. I have to work, and its a new job..so I dont really know anyone yet.Just the new kid on the block.<p>Dont know what he thinks he can make these decieions, but he has, and for now I will just have to take what he gives me, until I can get together enough to see a lawyer...which is definately not today.<p>He says he isnt taking any stuff just his clothes..and we own a trailer up north we use for summer wknds. etc...told me he is gonna pay the march payment for lot fee....then I could decid e what I wanted to do with it.<p>I have never been such a reck in my life...he expects to have a "family" dinner tomorrow for sons birthday. Says he doesnt want to ruin it for him..considerate isnt he????##@#@#$%$<p>I just feel so lost....not safe, like whats coming next<p>I could never imagine, what sort of man would walk away from his family when I would hear stores from friends or neighbors....dam if I wasnt living with the same sort, and didnt even know it...STUPID. Doesnt begin to describe how I feel.
I am worried about the kids tho...I know they are older...but teens have enough trouble and stress...drugs etc. I am terriefed they will get in to all that cos they are hurting so much.<p>I went to the DR to day...He told me he has been divorced for 3 years...didnt know that..but he said that I am doing better than most. Meaning depression etc. He gave me some sedatives to help me sleep...questioned him about it..he said only for the rough spot...that in time I wont need them. Wants to see me again in two weeks....so I guess he is keeping an eye on me. <p>Does it ever stop hurting???? sure doesnt feel like it.
As far as Dr Harley...dont have the money for it...wish i did but I dont.<p>thanks again IS....your support is wonderful.

Kathy,<p>You will get better. Looking at your message brings me to a year ago. You know I tried the Plan A thing and I tried Plan B-H still left and still married OW and still blames me for everything. Now that I have my self esteem back and my head screwed on straight I see that it wasn't me at all. I mean what could you actually possibly do to allow your spouse to cheat on you? Nothing justifies it, nothing! Just by you saying you called the school counselors shows you are a wonderful mother and woman. A good comment from my counselor that I used on my H-Someday I will forgive you but I will never be your friend. You see it helps them not to see you hurt, it helps them to here you say its your fault, it helps them to think you both will be friends after this, for goodness sakes he's hurting your children and you! Its alright to show your feeling and show your anger. This is just my opinion though and Dr. Harley will probably kick me off the boards but I have yet to read an article about his wife cheating on him and him taking all of the blame.....Has he ever Planned A or B? Hmmmmmmm......Just my opinion though. I wouldn't have made it without my friends here on the posts...hang in there I was in your shows a year ago, you will make it!

Hi again Kathy,<p>Ok, looks like you did it, survived the day that is. You were pro-active in getting basic help in place for your kids, and as WD said above that is admirable. Your strength and character come through.<p>I am a child of divorce at 18. Just don't sugar coat this for them. Kids, your father informed me that he got an apt and is leaving this house 2/1. He says he will take care of us financially and you have nothing to worry about. Any questions? And when they ask the questions like "why", tell them that he has not told you. I hope you can manage the dinner for your son - just to avoid what is to come as his birthday memory.<p>Not you or kids deserve this treatment and any cause is on him. Right now you can't trust him, trusting him in the past does not make you stupid now. While this is new to you, he has been in this mental space for a while. You feel lost and a reck and he's already been through it. The only thing he doesn't know is exactly what being gone will be like or feel like. <p>Don't be surprised if you get the same tired lines we hear over and over. I love you, but not in love. This marriage has been over for a long time, etc. All justification for doing something nasty and wrong.<p>I wouldn't even answer or acknowledge such statements as 'I go only with my clothes' and what to do with your summer house. He did not make his choices in a few days, why should you?<p>Let him know right now how terrible you are feeling and make it clear your emotional state makes keeping your job almost impossible. While that job made his plans even more workable for HIM, that's just too bad. While I hope you can handle it, it's okay if you don't. The stress of a new career and this is a lot to handle. There will be other jobs. As for affording help, this is an emotional/mental emrgency and as your good friend he should be willing to pay for the help you need.<p>You have not really said anything other than calm. Is he angry, strident, like what's he doing? Will he not even talk?<p>As for Plan A,B, nobody says you must follow them because you are here at MB. They are intended to be marital tools, used to help yourself first and the marriage by consequence.
Give yourself time to think and feel before taking any action.<p>There was no way I could have come here and typed after the so-called ax fell - for many days. Hang on, as the emotional blows are swift and painful the first few days. You've done very, very well so far. It really does get better and your emotions do even out. Hard to even think that right now I know. Going to the doc was right on as well.<p>Keep talking Kathy, almost everyone here has lived through this. We totally understand what you are feeling and share your pain.<p>
IS

thanks for the encouraging support...<p>H came home last night at midnight...i was awake and he didnt say a word. NOTHING. gone when I got up this morning.<p>I think my son knows something is up...he doesn t seem right....not overly excited about his birthdy either.<p>talked to a friend of mine who is like a brother to me...his girlfreind....who i havent met yet...got on the phone and told me she had been through the same thing...and I will survive it.
Told me "girlfriend we are going shopping for thongs" not quite ready for that yet.
Ron,my friend said he will be there for the kids,,,as they are like his own, and my kids adore him.
told me if I needed them to call any time day or night and they would be there in a heartbeat.<p>dont know what tonight is going to be like....strained I imagine.<p>Wondering if h will have the guts to leave when the kids are crying and begging him not to...cos I think that will be there reaction.<p>also was warned by Ron and his girlfriend not to be surprised if in a bit of time...he wants to come back...cos he will relize what he has done to us, or OW doesnt work out...<p>Think the job is probable the best thing for me right now...keep me busy...mind off things...plus I want to keep things as normal as I can for the kids...I suspect they will follow my lead...so If I stop everything...they will be even more concerned.<p>I woke up this morning with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach thinkint this cant be happening...but it is, and I am really dreading the day he tells them..That is going to be a nightmare. I know my kids....and the finality of the MOVING OUT....will really rock them to the core.<p>Its a awful feeling to not be loved.....and you dont even know why.<p>Going to do my best to get through the day....tonight is gonna be rough tho. <p>thanks for the support it really helps.

Kathy...<p>Just a quick question...would it be better for you if your husband left now rather than waiting for his choice of move out date? <p>I pushed my h's moving out date up about a week and a half, was tired of him making all the decisions, plus I didn't want him seeing what he was doing to me. Could not let him see me grieve the way I had to.<p>You know...you do get a vote on how this will all happen. You seem a little shocky to me, you are functioning on auto-pilot. <p>I agree with the others here, you are doing a beautiful job of keeping everything together...could you leave him with the kids for a few days this weekend and get away? <p>I have teens also, 3 of them, and have been exactly where you are. I don't want to scare you but when their dad left I felt like a nurse taking care of three very sick people. I would just go from room to room doing what I could for them...trying to explain, fixing them what they wanted to eat. I'd encourage my daughter to write out her feelings, pray with my youngest son, help my older son with his anger. Luckily I wasn't working then...could not have. That whole summer my kids and I just kind of holed up together...watched movies, ate what we wanted, slept as much as we wanted. Took us a long time to heal.<p>I'm ranting...I hope I didn't scare you, I just want you to be prepared. You don't need to be the strongest mom in the world right now...just be their friend and know them each individually and know when they need to talk and when they need to be left alone. ( I gave mine permission to tell me when to BACK OFF )<p>This is making me want to cry.<p>Hang on...just hang on. It'll be ok<p>allison

thanks everyone <p>Your support is amaingly comforting<p>I went out with my son, and got his birthday gift..cell phone...he wanted it anyhow, but non benownst to him it will really come in handy.<p>Your right Alison...I am on auto piolot...bought a call display phone...not really sure why...just had to buy something???
It hurts everytime I think about it..<p>wondering as well why he figures he gets to call all the shots. He has always been, pretty passive..and these are the changes in him that really concern me....another side of him whihc is why I wonder MLC, least most of it anyway.<p>I dont know if I can explain this properly or not on here...but I dont feel safe..not physically but emotioallly. I Have 3 people that i have no idea how they will react.
I am a nurse by profession...just started a new job as you probably read...but being in charge on unit with elderly is not the same as nursing my kids. almost like nurse needs a nurse.<p>when he told me he was moving out...he NEVER mentioned the kids coming with him. then I said so your gonna leave me with all this...thanks..at which point he says they are welcome to come with me if they want. I told him dont you DARE tak my babies...they are all I have left..he sayd I know...but honestly I dont think he really planned on taking them at all. Or he would have said something sooner.<p>Part of me wants them to be as angry and spiteful of him that I am at him...the sensible part of me hopes that they can just move on...understand that this is HIS problem...not their fault and not put them in the middle like a chess peice.<p>If they find out about OW..will they think thats my fault too?? Maybe think I am not good enough, or nice enought...that Dad had to find someone else. I just dont know how to get through this is one piece.
thanks for listening...and please keep posting it the best source I ahve of support right now.

Hi again Kathy,<p>I wrote a message to you and hadn't logged in and it went away...darn.<p>You remind me of the way I was with my kids...It was like the old adage...mess with me all you want, but mess with my kids and WATCH OUT. <p>Good for you for getting out. You buy what YOU want right now, worry about the other junk later. I'm sure your son will love his phone, my fifteen year old daugher is hitting me up for one for her birthday in a few months too.<p>As for your husband taking the kids with him, probably never entered his brain. Really, is he fit to take care of those kids right now? The man is having a mid life crisis and wife and kids just do not fit into his picture right now. You have no choice but to handle things, but handle them your way. Let things go a bit. Tell them on a Friday if you can that he's leaving so they'll have the weekend...tears may come easily for a bit and they shouldn't have to deal with that at school. Just be prepared for anything. It sounds like your son has sensed something going on...if he asks, be honest...it's terrible to be kept in the dark when you have those feelings...as we know.<p>It's hard not to use the kids...I hate to admit that I quizzed mine after they spent time with him. That's when the "back off" rule came into play. Normally, if one of them would have told me to back off they would have been in trouble, but I told them they were allowed to tell me to back off when I started to obsess...where did you guys go? what's dads apartment like? ya know.<p>If they find out about OW they will see how it could have never been your fault, as that woman will be measured...for as long as she's in the picture...to the most wonderful woman in their lives...YOU.<p>maybe if you can read right now (i found it difficult)...Men in Midlife by Conway. It helped me see how none of this was really my fault...it is a real thing MLC and there is little we can do but sit back and watch.<p>keep writing if you can...i know how much it helped me.<p>do something good for yourself.<p>allison

Thanks everyonw<p>Alison..my son loved his phone...but he really wasnt in much a birthday mood for him. I suspect he knows somethings is up....but he hasnt asked yet.<p>We went to dinner for his birthday...h too...man was that tough. But got through it...<p>He (H) started telling me to get rid of downstaris phone line...told him as of Feb 1 not YOUR problme..and quit making decisions for me. BACK OFF so he did. Told him I am doing this ok, dont push me.<p>Going to work today...3-11 dont feel like it really but probably the best thing...keep focused on something else.<p>Just wonde i this mlc ever goes away, and what happens when it does...do these guys REALLY want to come back!!! they have to be kidding.<p>I am like you alison....mess with my kids and god help you.
Your daughter would probly love a cell....gave my son one for safety...so if he is out or anything he can always call home.<p>It just is so unbeleivable that this is happening to me....never thought it would. Neither did any of our friends..they are all saying what the heck happend to dave anyway....doesnt sound like him at all....thats because...THIS person who is here now IS NOT dave....not sure who he is but dont like him much.<p>I jsut wish it would stop hurting....and the kids are going to hurt and go through what I have been going through for the past couple of months...so maybe I can help them a bit...but not much.
Got councelling in place for both kids..oldest can join if he chooses...he is 21 so not sure how he will see all this.<p>This is a great board..wondering why they dont set one up for teens...just to chat about how they are feeling like we are doing here.....may be helpful to some who may not want to crya and stuff in front of there friends...here no one sees the shape your in.(goood thing too)<p>well going to go and TRY and get through another day......dont know if I will make it but.....
thanks for listening.

Well I got throug work.....didnt kill anyone either....I was kinda worried about the responsibitly of the job with what I am going through..but I ws SO busy giving out pills and stuff didnt have much time to dwell...which is probably a good thing.<p>Is this common...on the bus if I see a couple together it hurts...if I see or hear any song that reminds me of him it Hurts...used to LOVE music now dont want to listen to ANY..dont have many memeories that dont include him...been with him so long. <p>I was on the verge of tears a few times at work when I would think about it all..<p>the crazy thing is ...he picked meup after work....?????? Then he asks me how it went...did I do ok....but he has een likethat rom the beginning...mixed signals.<p>Then tonight when we get hom..i aksed him for a hug...he held me really tight...not reading anything into it...but what is THAT about...its all just so confusing...and part of me will be glad when he is gone..in a way...cos then I suppose its that out of sight out of mind thing.
But just looking at him is teariing me apart.<p>When he tells the kids...its gonna be a nightmare...dont know if he really gets how upset they are gonna be...and if he can walk out after there begging etc. which I know they will do...thats just there nature....He must have turned into one cold hearted bugger.<p>I will be left with the aftermath...which I am not looking forward to...they will aske me I know for sure did you know...my answer will be yes I did, but its his decision and place to tell you and explain it...you guys have the right to hear it from him. Also gonna tell them this is NOT what i want...and tried everything to prevent it .<p>Do you think thats a good answer or can anyone think of something better for them.<p>Going to bed now...sleep, doubt it, but will try.<p>Please keep posting....its support like I havent got right now.
thanks...kathy

((((Kathy))))<p>I'm sorry that you're going through this..
I too have been where you are. Its devastating to say the least. I remember my now exh would leave apt ads lying around the house. When he Finally left..(by that I mean I couldn't do the plan a stuff... I was a failure at that) I could BREATH...NO MORE MASK FOR ME !!! I was trying to be everything I'm not... super mom and super wife... <p>Its going to be very hard when he leaves.... my gosh... my heart ached..but yet I needed to breath... no more looking at his stupid face thinking and wondering if hes making plans with the wh**e...... I was exhausted... down 65lbs at this time ... looked horrible... felt horrible.
My kids had to help him move some of his stuff out... can you believe that... the stupid PIG didn't even want to tell the kids he was leaving... cause ya know what he said to me..."I'm not leaving them...I'm leaving you" He is so stupid.. what did he think he was doing???
I hated seeing my 14 year old at the time helping he collect his golf clubs and putting them in his trunk....My oldest didn't even look at him.<p>Ok... when my ex was leaving.... I stayed positive for the kids at that moment... I stood there with the kids and said to the Pig.... Take care of yourself... know that we love you and that you'll be missed... he hugged the kids goodbye and left. When the kids and I walked back into the house... I said to them... I love your dad.... this was a decision he made... I never wanted this to happen to us... They were stoned faced.... I told them I would answer any questions they might have. They just retreated into the computer room. I went into my room, shut the door and cried my eyes out... I still have mascara stains on my pillow case... they just won't come out. <p>This is going to be hard... many up and downs... but you will... MAKE IT !!! Trust me....<p>Look around your community... look for a divorce support group. That has made a big difference in me... I can so very easily hold up in my house... like not answering the phone... keeping the blinds shut... heck that summer of 2000 I spent in my bedroom after he left... REALLY.... try not to do that... come here and post and vent...call other close friends that you have..... go for car rides.... do things to keep your mind busy. I know this is hard to do... heck... I'm a nurse too... I would look at my uniforms and try and decide which one to wear... Like that matters... I always made sure though... I had the same pair of tennis shoes on !!!<p>Speaking of working.... I've been there too... ohhhh yes.... passing meds and all... I think I checked everything 10 times... and I would still go back and check again....the one thing I like about work... for the most part... its like you're on auto pilot.... but scarey none the less.
I would love the end of the shift... I could finally take a deep breath in my car... and then the tears would flow... and I had a hour drive home... so in alot of ways... I could do alot of crying on the way home.... And... I took the nasty smoking habit back up... You will find in time that work will be your refuge... you'll be able to put everything you're going through on the back burner... and bring something else upfront..... after a while.... I looked forward to going to work....and still do... noting like laughing...joking and all..(now I know you know how nurses have the sickest sense of humor and the dirtiest minds at times)these are the things that helped me... I was fortunate to have others where I worked that have gone through this.... I have to admit... they would give me a lighter assignment.... but I would help out... when I slowed down.... let you're co-workers know whats going on.... you'll be shocked at how they'll come to your rescue. Heck, I lost sooo much weight... the pharmacists...thought I was dying of cancer... other ones thought I was on drugs (ya know, there are always negative ones ya work with) See, I didn't tell anyone what was going on until 10 months after the affair...(d day).. and 3 months after he left. Just my nursing supervisor and my charge nurse knew.... oh, and one other buddy... boy without them... I wouldn't have made it. In fact, one of them found my lawyer... she took me there...You know how we all stick together.....<p>It will be hard to keep your house up... and even cook..... my boys lived on deli food... pizza... subs etc.... I couldn't think of making a meat loaf... or anything...stay away from frseh produce... I can't even begin to count how many of the "salad in a bag" I've tossed in the garbage... get the paper plates out...That was the best for me. All his leaving happen in the summer... so the boys were busy with their friends...(thank goodness).. <p>Keep your chin up... WE'RE here for you....<p>I want to pass on another website that talks alot about MLC....www.divorcebusting.com and check out the post on general questions II...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014880<p>I hope the post works... Its posted by Tryingagain
"hey Carolkh... can you post your story again?"<p>I don't know if any of this has helped you....
Just letting ya know that I've been where you are.
I still have ups and downs.... but the days are really getting better. <p>Oh... go to the doctor and get on a antidepressant... also get alittle something for sleep... it helps alot... I just wanted to be able to sleep at night.... I still take them...also... you're doing right by getting into a therapist... my kids refuse to go... but I've let them know that if they ever want to ..I'll be sure they get there. <p>My boys also hate it when I ask alot of questions when they've been with their dad... was she there..what did you do... blah,blah,blah.... They hate it....OH... and they turn into the disneyland dads..... oh do they ever... like that is going to make it better..... the only time my kids call him is when they want something...the kids only do that cause it will benefit them.
When my ex calls I always pass the message on. I don't make them do anything with him and I don't make them call him back. I leave it up to them.<p>Know I'm thinking of you....<p>Blessings....
s

Thanks.........<p>support is wonderful for me now<p>Talked to my girlfreind I used to work with she called me to see how I was doing...said I had been haunting her all day at work, so she called and wanted to know how things were. I told her..she had one word for him B##$$## pretty much fits too.<p>Called the co-ordinator where we live...we live in a co-op. so house payments arent a problme..she was shocked...she knows dave..but still she said LOOSER. So I have that covered now.<p>My other close friend is going to help me redecorate my bedroom. Thats where I want to start..get rid of the old,,,in with the new..she also told me that she is going to make sure I go out...not yet but she said if your not out having some sort of social life...She is personally going to come over a drag me out. Gosh I am blessed to have freinds like these.<p>I too have done a LOT of crying....no reason, just sitting on couch and off I go. Dont feel balanced.
Work did help....but still a bit shocky so will have to be careful...dont want to tell them yet...I just started there 2 weeks ago. <p>I dread Wednesday, like I have never dreaded anything before...he is gone now to Montreal...so he says...but his closet is pretty empty and so are his drawers....wonder if he will even have the guts to come here and tell them at all.
HOpe so....cos whatever they say to him...he needs to here it.
tonight is tough...daughter keeps looking at me...guess I am quieter than usual....told her I was tired from last nights job....lots of responsibilty..she may have bought it not sure...but I am TIRED, just for a different reason.<p>Exausted....mentally drained...hope to gain the weight back...<p>What else can I say...NONE of us deserve this....men are selfish creeps...but in the end I truly believe they are the bigger loosers.<p>Please keep posting..it really helps. and I thankyou...don know what I would do without this board right now. I am a mess to sa the least...but trying to hang in there.
kathy

((((Kathy))))<p>Sorry .......<p>Hang in there.... I've been where you are...<p>Good idea to redecorate the bedroom.. My friend when her H left... she burned the whole bedroom set!!! The day after my ex left... I was up by 0500 and changed the whole room around. Alot of others have done what you're going to do.<p>I do remember how the tears would fall. Even now I can still experience that. Hang in there the time inbetween does get longer. Its jsut the we have to go through all this. It really is important that we grieve.... otherwise we'll carry this with us.<p>You're right..... we will be much further down the road when it finally hits them for what they have done, lost, the whole works. I just think that we'll be sooooo much more healthy...mentally, emotionally and yes, physically. THEIR LOSS!!!!!<p>We're here for you... remember that... also call your girlfriend.... talk...talk...talk...
Post and vent here too...<p>Blessings,<p>s

Today is NOT a good day..<p>Last night my 15 year old got dumped by his girlfreidn....geez...it broke my heart cos I am thinking god in heaven what is he gonna think when his dad dumps this on him Wednesday.
I just held him while he sobbed his heart out.
told him i knew how it felt...he doesnt know HOW much I know how it hurts.<p>This morning son is up but depressed....good reason....gonna let him choose what he wants to do. go out with his freinds...or get a couple of funny movies and hold up in the house.<p>Life sucks......I still feel sick to my stomach, thinking about it all. Cant believe it still.<p>Funny thing...daughter rented a movie Two can play that GAme....she had wanted to see it for a while....we started watching it...then there was a part that was about cheating boyfriedns....how to tell if hes cheating on you....main one said IM WORKING LATE....I didnt say anything just tuned out...but she then saidn...this movie isnt what I thought it was...I am gonna turn it off.\<p>I think she knows.....but is just waiting.She didnt ask me anything at all....just turned it off, watched tv for a bit and went to bed.<p>I dont know how long I can play this cherade with them. Thats the hardest part...I feel like I am liying to them...but i firmly believe HE has to tell them...not me...and even if i try and brace them for it....it wont work....they would want to know all of it right then and there.<p>I feel really crummy...least right now...maybe this aft. i will get out of this "funk" but its an awful feeling....
Hope H having a WONDERFUL TIME<p>thanks for posting...it helps, beleive it or not just gets me through the next few hours.<p>Ps. thought about burning the bedroom set...but cant afford another one just yet...so think i will just rearrange things. (for now)
As I said before I just wish it would stop hurting. It feels like he died. (strange or normal)?

(((Kathy)))<p>I want you to know I've been thinking of you. I'm so sorry that you're feeling like that. I remember those feelings all to well. Heart racing, pit in the stomach, mind racing and all.
The intensity of all the feelings decreases in TIME.... I always hated it when someone would say the "time" word. But, its true....<p>Go to the library and get some books on this stuff. There are all kinds of books out there. Its alot cheaper to rent right now rather than buy them. <p>I know that the things I'm telling you to do seem like it will take all your energy and you will have to think. I remember that people told me to take bubble baths... and I would think to myself..."then I'll have to fill the tub"...
What I'm trying to say is that its just so hard to accomplish anything right now. I Know how bad your heart is hurting.... itis true heart ache.<p>I feel sorry for your son.... its so hard at such a young age to experience... I think what you're doing is right... let him do what he wants to do tonight. <p>My ex didn't want to tell the kids either... I couldn't believe it.... I mad him tell them... and I also..made sure I was in the room too. I refused to let him say things that we're not true. He was pissed that I was there...<p>Hang on... keep your chin up....
go to this website and see if there are any groups in your area..
http://www.divorcecare.com/
I've heard the groups are very good. Call the crisis line in your area... see if they know of other divorce support groups in your area....
I will tell you, groups like this are a godsend... I'm so glad I finally found one.
The people do things out side of the group... when I first started... I was fragile... they took me under their wings and made sure I attended the outside functions... what a difference it made.... no one is looking to get hooked up... and no one likes to see love story movies... so its pretty safe. Last night I went with some of them and took salsa lessons. I find I must keep busy. If I sit tooooo long I get sad. You will find a real nice group of folks that have been where you are...<p>I wish you peace....
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Hi Kathy,<p>Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you as well. I'm so glad to see WhiteDove, Scoik, and Allison here too.<p>Sorry to hear about your son. This relationship stuff just stinks - at any age.<p>I know your H is away right now but has he been willing to talk at all? I know he's going to do what he's going to do regardless of anything you or kids might say, but does he have anything to say? I guess I am still in that place where people just don't slink out as "caring friend" and throw down some bucks. Do you know where he is moving to?<p>I was wondering why you are waiting for him to tell your kids? Did you both agree to that? Is waiting until the day he leaves better, worse? Because it's his choice alone is that why he must tell? Is it because you think when telling them he will then deal with their feelings and the look on their faces? I guess I don't see anything wrong with you doing it. I would want to know this, I would want to support my parent who is hurting.<p>Anyway, it's great that you are using your new job as a sort of support mechanism. Anything to make these days easier is great. Sounds like you have a great group of friends as well. <p>Have you had a moment to think yet about what YOU want? Do you want to be married to him?<p>I hope you have a peaceful weekend with your kids. Let us know how it goes for you.<p>IS

Hi Kathy,<p>Just wanted to check in to see how you and the kids are doing? Have you heard from your husband?<p>As the others here have said I also wish you'd consider how the kids are to be told. Do you really think your husband will do a better job of this than you? Please be there when he does this, as they will need you.<p>My stbx wanted to tell our kids himself, but he had been home so little over the previous several months that I felt he was (at best) ill-equipped for such a huge task. He also had a WAY different version of why he was leaving than I did. He was in the stage that I could do nothing right. I was a bit shocky myself as I'd found out about OW 2 days before I told my husband to leave...hadn't slept, eaten...<p>anyhoo...I may have already said this, but there were things I KNEW. I knew that my daughter would need to be held for a long time, then told to go write...it helps her. Her father did not know this. I KNEW that my youngest son would not believe me, then need to pray, and I knew that my 17 year old son would be very very angry, throw things, ect. There was no way my stbx would have known how to handle all of this.<p>I'm sorry to turn this into my story...every one's situation is different, and you must do what works for you. The only other thing I want to say is that day, the decision I made to handle the kids MY way was a stand I took for myself, the first one I'd taken in many many years. That day I started to find Allison again and tap into something I never knew I had. I was brave! I faced the worst thing ever and didn't crumble. I didn't let him dictate the situation as he'd done for years, and he was mad, but you know what...I was right and I knew it, and these are the kids we're talking about...my territory buddy...<p>ok, sorry enough about me. just don't be afraid to take the reigns here...do what is right for you and your kids...he's in la-la land. let him go for now, let him think this out. <p>sounds like your daughter is preparing herself for hearing the truth, and your son, poor guy, seems like he knows something is up too. <p>Just don't be afraid to do whatever you think is right.<p>keep writing Kathy...we are here<p>allison