Hey,<p>I just wanted to update you all. I can't remember the last time I did. But it just feels good to type it out.<p>My wife and I met around christmastime to work out an agreement. If you can be civil with your spouse, I highly recommend doing it all yourself, then getting respective lawyers to look over the agreement. We did, and after my lawyer put our agreement into legalese, her lawyer looked it over. She asked for more money. We reached a compromise. And then we both signed it. WHEW!!!<p>I think I did well. She got more than she deserves, but I think she'll need what she got, so I don't feel like I was royally screwed. I get the house. I get both cars (hers had an outstanding loan of more than the car was worth - I got that too). I give her half the equity in the house (I refinanced). No alimony. I keep all my retirement. And I'll keep her on my health plan until we actually divorce in august.<p>I'm financially WAY better off than I was. (she spent a LOT) and I also just finished paying off a lot of (her) debt. So all that re-payment flow has become extra cash.<p>The problem is, I feel sorry for her. She makes it even harder because she wants to get back together. However, did I mention she CHEATED on me? Did I mention she's PREGNANT with OM? Did I mention that she's done nothing but lie to me, even when she was asking me to take her back?<p>She's got $45,000 to get her started in her new life. That's certainly enough to get her through her pregnancy, until she can work again. However, I know she'll run through that very quickly, since she's too pregnant to ride horses anymore, and she's very bad with money. She bought a car with some of that. And she got an apartment that probably costs more than she can afford even if she had an income right now. So I know she'll be hurting pretty soon.<p>Is that my responsibility? I feel sorry for her, but at the same time, I'm still very angry at her for what she did. You know, if I had cheated on her, I would be out on my [censored] in no time. So why should it be any different for her? Because she did a stupid thing like unprotected sex (on top of adultery)?<p>Bottom line: I have lots to look forward to for myself, and I deserve it. I need to live for me for a change - I've been living entirely for her! But I also feel bad for her, because she really screwed up so badly. The hardest part is convincing myself that she isn't my responsibility anymore (in actuality, she never really was my responsibility - I just made her my responsibility). And man, I am SO ANGRY because she did such a stupid thing!<p>Is anyone else out there torn between your compassion for the WS and the knowledge that WS isn't healthy for you?

I was torn, so torn that I let him stay over on Chirstmas Eve. The original plan was to have him on the couch. That changed. I have gotten the results of my hiv and syph. tests back - both negative thank God, but I did have a little fection that needed some antibiotics. I think I will always love him, we had 10+ years and 2 beautiful children. But I think I also need to realize that there is a difference between being in love with a person and being in love with an idea. <p>It really sounds like you are doing well. You have got your S*** together, money isn't horrible and things are ok. It is nice to think of things finally working out the way you had wanted them to for so long, but at a certain point (when nurse is drawing the blood for the hiv) you need to get it. <p>It would be so easy to fall back into all of those old patterns. Just make sure you look before you leap.
Elizabeth

Yeah, I'm about in the same boat as you. We are just now finalizing our divorce agreement and will then go together to a lawyer to get it all "legally okay." I agree, if you can relate civilly to each other, that very helpful.<p>I do feel sorry for my STBXH....he still doesn't totally see what a stupid thing he did. Cut the limb off because of a sliver. He misses our beautiful, new house in the country, he misses the dogs, he misses his space, he even misses me sometimes...blah, blah, blah. He's just fine financially and career-wise, but as far as the rest of his life...it sucks. He isn't happy, but he's free. (Well, sort of...he lives with OW).<p>It's very hard to watch someone you loved deeply, make such stupid mistakes over and over again. I know I can't "fix" him...never tried. But I wish he could see clearly what's he's done. I guess he can't because that would hurt too much. <p>Anyway, I too have to learn to not feel responsible for him anymore...like I said, it's tough because I made a commitment to him and even tho it was no big deal for him to break it, it's still hard for me to. <p>Keep the faith and hang in there.
Aloha,
Ms.O<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>

I don't think you should shut the door completly on her. You are angry. You have that right. At some point you will need to work through that anger. With her being rejected by OM, it has probably made her start to think on how wrong she has been. She may still be in a fog, but it sounds that it has started to lift. She does need to grow up. Spending some time on her own will help her to become more responsible and the seperation will help reduce the anger. <p>Your marriage still has a chance. Sure, it would be easy to walk away and hope to find someone else but they will also have issues. There are still the issues (unless you all ready know why) of why she had an affair. This is an opportunity to correct the problems in your marriage and have the marriage you have always wanted. I am not saying you should just take her back but you should think about what things would need to occur that would bring the two of you back together. Sure she has made a mistake, but you have too in this marriage. You must get to the point that you forgive her. This would take time to do, but would be worth it. I'm telling you not the throw in the towel yet because you have just reached the point where real change could occur in your marriage.

You know, i have compassion for people that try, and i feel sorry for people that have unfortunate random events happen to them.<p>however, i am big on personal responsibility. . . and reality viewing. . . .<p>I have no compassion for people who fail to take responsibility for their own actions, and failures, and who don't try a second or third time, especially those who give up easily without understanding what went wrong with themselves. . .<p>so stable guy, let her go, wish her well on her new life, and enjoy life, let it come to you and explore the world until you are ready to settle down. . ..<p>good luck<p>wiftty<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Sounds like your marriage has a chance. She is pregnant with the OM baby. The baby should be covered by the OM, if the OM has any responsibilities in him, he will want to have the baby some of the time. <p>I know you are hurt by the actions of your Wayward wife. I am a BS and my H still hurts me with his affair, and yes he had sex with the OW. I can't imaging myself doing what he did, but my H still to this day will justify the affair, and say he had biology with the OW.<p>Give her a chance, be there for her during the labor. Or is the OM going to be there for her labor? Show her you care, and bring her flowers for the delivery, or a cute little baby outfit that is practical for everyday use. <p>Ask her if she needs help setting up a nursery for the baby. She is a human being, that has screwed up her life terribly. You used to be her friend, be a friend to her now. I know my H was my friend at one time, but now I don't know what he is. Would love to have my WS say I want this marriage, my spouse has never said this to me during the whole time plan A. You have one thing going for you, make her time during this difficult period to come, delivery is hard on a woman, the hormones are swirling around and the responsibility of a little one is so hard. Lack of sleep, the crying of baby gets to the mother, the care, the feeding, it is hard to do this by herself. Be there for her. If possible, have yourself be there on the weekend one day, to take care of the baby, while she naps. <p>You can tell you love her, hate what she did, just as I hate what my H did, give it a try. You seem to be a step further than you think.

I agree with Thinker on the 'be a friend' part not so much for your STBXW's benefit, but for yours. Why? because it can help you conquer the anger you feel towards her for what she did to you.<p>My xW also had an long term affair and got pregnant by OM. I accepted the OC but unfortunately she was still in love with the OM. Having lost all hope that our M could be repaired, I filed for divorce and got custody of our 2 D's.<p>For a long time I hated my xW for her selfish behavior that affected not only our M but more so our D's as well. But I was able to conquer my anger when I started listening to her when she called to talk to our D's. At first it was extremely difficult but I did it because I knew that it was very important for our daughters wellbeing that she and I treated each other in a civil manner. But as time went by, the anger went away and she and I started communicating for the first time and I found out many deeply, hurtful things that I said to her in my fits of righteous anger during our M, that wounded her deeply and that caused her to shut me out of her life.<p>I finally learned that there are other, equally important, things in a M aside financial support. Things like total honesty without judgement, and listening without trying to push for an immediate resolution. In other words I'm finally learning from my mistakes that contributed to the destruction of my M.<p>Anger is a natural human response to an injustice that has been committed against us. But anger is a very destructive emotion in the long run because it robs you of the pleasure of living your life and it anchors you to the past thus robbing you of your future as well.<p>I hope this little rant of mine helps you put things into perspective.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>