For those who haven't been following my story, my h moved out 11/10/01. We tried to rebuild our marriage, but 2/2/02, he decided he was done trying. He said that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I haven't talked to him since 2/2/02. I am having a very difficult time over this. In September, I totally recommitted my life to him. My marriage, my family, all of it. TOTAL RECOMMITMENT. No infedility on my part, but I believe he has been having an EA for a while, but he still won't admit it, or maybe doesn't even "SEE" how he feels.<p>Anyway, I am just so sad. I hurt all the time. I try to stay busy, do fun things with my s, try to be happy, but I'm just not. I feel dead inside, like I am numb from the world. I love my s very much and he is hurting so much. I have recently been around kids that are from divorced homes and I see so many behavioral problems that are related to the emotional scars left from their parents going their separate ways. I worry so much for my son. I really am strong when I am around my son. We laugh, wrestle, go to fun places, I take his picture a lot (helps build self-esteem too), play cars, draw, etc. Around him, I am pretty strong, but when I am alone or with other people and my s is with his dad or I am at work, I am so miserable. I want to just give up. I want to go away and not feel this pain ever!!<p>How will I ever trust a man not to break my heart again? I believed 150% that my h would not EVER leave me and our son and that he would NEVER have an affair. Wrong on both!! How can I trust MY own beliefs when I was so wrong? I just can't keep feeling like this. I am already on meds, but I never sleep, don't eat, I've lost 30 pounds since November. I am so tired of being strong.

JD,
I have no words of wisdom, but I can totally relate to exactly how you are feeling. My divorce was final on January 14 and I have this overwhelming sense of sadness that just permeates every moment.
My xh and I talk alot and actually get along very well. He even thinks there may be some opportunity for reconcilation at some point in the future, but even with that glimmer of hope out there I can hardly function. My heart aches and my chest feels so heavy that taking a breath is hard.<p>I, too, have lost weight. I can't eat. Even if I feel hungry, I will take one bite or two and then it is like my throat closes up. I just didn't expect this to feel so physically debilitating. <p>I work (full-time for a law firm) and I have a side business doing free-lance writing. I have a good business and stay very busy. I also have my kids every 2 days (2 days at his house, 2 days at mine) and actually since the divorce I have seen them almost every day. I work out, walk, read, pray.... But, nothing seems to take my mind off this despair for very long. I can go to sleep, but after about 2-3 hours I am awake and usually crying. How long does a person have to feel like this?<p>Like I said, I wish I had a potion to recommend. If you find one, please post the recipe. <p>From a fellow struggler,
Wiffle

all I can say is it does get better with time, i know thats not what anyone wants to hear, but it is true. I was just like you went through the same thoughts and the no sleep or eating. It has gotten better over the past year for me and continues getting better. Just try to focus on yourself and except that you have no control over him he is in the fog and will probably remain there for a long time. the good news is you can help yourself by working on your future and not living in the past.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this! I know exactly how you feel because I felt that way when my x left me just shy of two years ago. <p>I'm here to tell you that it does get better. I know it is hard to believe that now but it will get easier. And, I think your son will be ok. Does your husband spend a lot of time with him too?<p>I have two girls (now 4 and 7) but they were 2 and 5 when he left. They are both doing very well considering the circumstances. I think that is because my x and I are amicable and share custody. They have had their moments and I did take them to counseling for a few weeks last year. That really helped both of them. <p>As to the trust issue, it will take time to rebuild that. I struggled with that issue too. I didn't think I would ever be able to trust someone again. I struggled with the same questions you are dealing with now. I was completely blindsighted when I found out about his EA. But, what I am trying to do is limit the trust issue to just my x. And, really look at my marriage and why this all happened. I don't want to not trust other people because of what happened with my x. Will I ever trust someone 100% again? Probably not, but I'm hoping to get very close to that one day.<p>Take care and know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I hope you feel a little better soon. <p>Jen

I have had the same feelings. Been through a very similar experience. This quote may appear blunt, but I have learned there is much truth to it:<p>"Living well really is the best revenge (I would insert that recovery is a better word than revenge). Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you."<p>Everyone is correct when they say it does take time. The one gift you give yourself when you start to improve your life is being able to observe how the person who walked out of the marriage goes down hill. That too can occur quickly or take time. But it is inevitable. Improve your life and you will improve the lives of those around you. Especially the children.

(((((JD13))))))
I am so sorry you have this pain now... but like all the others I can only tell you that it does get better in time. You slowly start to pick yourself up one bit at a time, and sometimes you drop those bits and have to pick them up again, but time does help. You will go through a period of mourning, it is natural to feel sad, you are experiencing a great loss. No matter what happens - you might get back together - you have to start healing yourself now. Do things for you, something that you have never done before and always wanted to do. Anything! It is admirable that you are able to stay strong in front of your son, that is great, but remember you are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to grieve, but you also owe it to yourself to take care of you. You have to eat! to remain strong and to be able to keep a clear mind. If you can't sleep get something from the doctor/chemist but rest, it plays an important part in healing mind and body.<p>I do understand how you feel, I also first separated from XH got together again....for over 6 months... then filed for divorce... you know, it wasn't even that great having someone back who didn't respect me... take care of you and your son and show your H how capable you really are.<p>Love and care<p>Pantha

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> How will I ever trust a man not to break my heart again? I believed 150% that my h would not EVER leave me and our son and that he would NEVER have an affair. Wrong on both!! How can I trust MY own beliefs when I was so wrong? <hr></blockquote><p>So you have to question your own beliefs, and adjust them to reality. . . . you have to question your decision making qualities, and see where you can improve the assumptions that underly your decisions. . . .<p>First, question: why do you assume that ALL men will act like your WH? why can't you believe that his choice and his behavior is his, and uique to your situation?<p>Second, question: what part did you have in his desires to look elsewhere for happiness? What was he feeling when you were at home together with him for a significant part of your marriage?<p>Third, question: Why don't you believe the Harley material that states and i paraphrase, we are all subject to the temptations of an affair, we are all wired that way. . . why do you believe that such actions are impossible? <p>Fourth: why do you think unconditional is the correct way to live in a marriage? do you not think that marriages are freely entered and are conditional upon one's treatment by one's spouse?<p>So lets start with those answers. . . . and we can get to the bottom of this situation very quickly. . .<p>wiftty