After 22 years of marriage and seven kids, my wife and I were divorced last July (we separated nearly a year before). She remarried in early December to a guy eleven years younger than her that has never been married. I've got the impression that he believed he was inheriting a ready-made family to claim as his own.<P>Less than two weeks after the wedding, I wanted to talk to my ex about adjusting my visitation schedule with my five youngest kids for the next six months since I'm having to work two jobs to meet my obligations. She informed me that she would not discuss any of this unless her new husband was included. I told her that issues involving our children were between me and her -- that we didn't need "him" to discuss "our" children. She finally agreed to meet with me, but within minutes after hanging up the phone "he" called me back and spent five uninterrupted minutes explaining to me that they were a family now and made all decisions together, and that "they" had custody of the kids, which he was very happy about, and that any discussion of my visitation schedule had to include him because "they" made all their decisions jointly.<P>I finally got her back on the phone, and after realizing I was getting nowhere I finally told her what my plans for visiting with the kids were, then hung up.<P>There are many reasons for me not wanting to have to go through my ex's new husband to discuss "our" children. First of all, I just don't like the guy. He's arrogant, has a short temper, and seems to me to be a control freak. I recognize he has some redeeming qualities, but I'm just not ready yet to embrace him in my own life. She's the one that married him -- not me! This has happened all so fast.<P>I really don't know how to handle this. Because they've moved about thirty miles away, and my busy work schedule, I'm now only able to see my five youngest kids once a month. When I asked to discuss my plans with her, I only wanted to let her know what I wanted to do, and work out dates with her. Seemed like a simple, no big deal kinda thing to me. Instead it turned into a major confrontation between the three of us.<P>Does anybody have any ideas or suggestions? Right now I'm just staying busy working on things I need to do just to survive financially, but I'm hopeful that within six-twelve months I'll be able to devote more time to my kids again. During the year prior to her remarriage, I had my kids 2-3 times a week, and I'd eventually like to get back to that. But doing so will require more coordination and negotiating with my ex, and unless I can figure out a way for getting around the gatekeeper, every contact has the potential for being very uncomfortable for all of us. Help!?!?

Colorado<BR>I read your entry and I feel for you, but, as someone from the opposite side of such a situation, I would like to share my opinion. I am married and have 7 year old ss and his mom has baan a pain in my side ever since my H and I got married. I know that it's very, very difficult but there is some truth in what they are telling you about your ex's husband being a part of the family. I hate the fact that my H's ex calls here all the time and considers me an outsider. I'm the person who cooks and cleans and takes care of my ss (I do so with as much love as I do my own children) as his mother would. I'm the one who is up with him when he's here and sick or when he falls down and hurts himself I help take care of his owies. So when schedules are being made in regards to him, I should have a say in when and where and what time. A lot of times I'm the one left at home waiting for her to pick him up or having to take him to her house. When my H makes an agreement with her and dosen't check with me, there are sometimes conflicts that have to be straightened out. If he would have checked with me, there would be no problem. I don't think that there is NEVER times when I don't need to be consulted, but I think that it's only fair that I'm included most of the time. There is something that you have to remember, he is the "dad" when you are not there. I'm sure that this is tough to give up your kids to another person, but what is the best for them. I would suggest that you try going along with them and see how it works. Right now he's probably just trying to establish his own place in their lives and feels a little jealous about the connection that you and his wife have (does that sound like the voice of experience?) I hate being the "step-mom" sometimes. There are no guidelines for us "steps" to read and follow so we know where we stand and it's a tough job. I try to just do the best I can and do what is right for my ss. I also work with my husband to keep the communication open so these problems don't come between us. It might be in your kids best interest to back off the "our children" thing with your ex's H. I think too, that your feelings on the subject are a little sensitive because you haven't been apart that long. Time will heal those wounds and in the mean time, try to keep peace,do what you can to get along and if you really believe that you are doing everything possible to be cordial and things are still heated between the three of you, then you have reason to complain. My bottom line has always been WHAT EVER IS BEST FOR THE KIDS!<BR>This may not be exactly what you wanted to hear, but like I daid, it's just an opinion from the other side of the tracks.<P>Good luck!

Colorado: First let me say that I really feel for you- and I am the one with custody of the kids. Several points, yes they are a family now, no they do not have custody, your wife does, yes THEY need to communicate, not all three of you although that would be good for the (your) future life with you kids. Several ??'s. Does your divorce decree give you specific visitation times? You mentioned they moved. If so, and the visitation was set up with you being in close proximity to them for easier more frequent visits, could you suggest in writing ( since you have a computer that's the way to go to document how you have tried to be cooperative and work "things" out) that they drive part way to facilitate more frequent( court specified) times with the kids?

shelleykg --<P>I appreciate your comments and insight from the other side. I think what makes it hardest for me is that, from the beginning of their relationship until now, my ex and her new husband have shown no desire to do what's "best for the kids," but now suddenly they expect ME to. I agree with you in principle -- I just need more time to get used to this whole new arrangement. And quite frankly, I really don't expect their relationship to last that long.<P>Creampuff --<P>Yes, we have very specific visitation times. First of all, we have seven children, ages 6-20. The oldest no longer lives at home, and our 18-yr-old lives with me. The five youngest live with my ex. According to our parenting plan, I have all of the kids one weekend, she has all of them the next weekend, and the next two weekends we split them 3/3. I also have them every Monday evening, and I have one of them every other Wednesday. <P>So you see, I'm supposed to have them quite a bit. Unfortunately, with the child support I'm paying, there isn't enough money left for me and my 18-yr-old to live on. Never mind the additional costs involved with feeding the rest of the kids when they're over, transportation, etc.<P>So right now, for the next six months at least, I've chosen to only have my kids one weekend a month, and spend the rest of my time working, trying to get on top of things financially. I really don't have any other choice.<P>I'd like to discuss this with my ex, especially since she's having to have them a lot more than she was expecting, and I really don't think my financial problems and my plans to get on top of it is any of her new husband's business. I know it does impact him, but he should've known going into this that there was going to be a lot of challenges to making his new life live up to the fantasy he's imagined.<P>

Colorado: First, sit back, take a deep breath, and go mentally to a place where once you were peaceful, happy, content. Let this be your safe place, to use anytime anyone or anything starts to overpower you and your life. BOY DO I USE MY SPOT!!!Assuming your back from your safe haven, lets get down to figuring out how to deal with this. I do have experience with similar situation, 5 kids, 2 out of nest now, 2 with me, one 18 year old at dads house. Lets see,<BR>so many ?'s here. You pay child support for 3 and do you support 18 year old? Is he/she in school and does wife pay c/s to you for 18 year old? Has situation changed since div. decree and if so could adjustments be made re: $ payments? Your stateement 18 yr. old and I barely have enough to live on, worries me. Somewhere someone needs to take into consideration her/his living standards.<BR>ie: my ? on changes since decree.<BR>So lets set priorities for your quality of life with your children.<BR>#1. To maintain bond you must be in contact with them.<BR> So it seems to me you need to arrange anyway you can, more time for you to interact with them, and it needs to be more than once a month. If any $ items have changed since divorce it seems that anything you could recoup would allow you just a little more time with them. I know this is not re: gatekeeper but he is really such a small part of the problem, sorta like an itch that will not go away. Re: my suggestion of doing the arranging via computer, he would have the availability to be there just not in your face, right. Time will take care of that I promise but it won't (the not wanting to deal with him issue) be today or even next week unfortunately. Maybe if ex has computer you could arrange on 1st of every month to set schedule to everyones satisfaction. Then he/she can deal with their issues of relating on their own. Visitation is not a right they have to give you, it is your right by law and specified as such. My suggestion, set schedule and NEVER alter days, for whatever reason. Once all are working on that, it's much easier to be flexible for favors, but still the schedule remains intact and you always go back to the original days, weeks etc. Also, regarding computer, if she has one, that might be a very good way to stay in touch with kids on days that you dont see them. Even the smallest can talk to dad even if they need an older one to type for them. Have some good ideas re: court and $ if things/ have changed since d day, and they do not cost a thing as far as lawyers etc. if you are willing to do them on your own.<BR>Till later, go back to your spot, take a breath and give yourself a pat on the back for being a good man.<P>After divorce is sorta like PlanA/B- ONE DAY AT A TIME. But then again, isn't life like that anyhow? And one day is so much easier than 6-12 months of planning.<P>By from-<P>An "ex" who still learns a lot from this site. (No matter how bad our life seems, there are always others who have it sooooooooo much worse.)<P>