Should I confront the man face to face that is aiding in the affair?

Nope.<p>Tex.

I just wanted for this person to get the notion that I still love my wife and what he is doing is wrong.

What the other man thinks or doesn't think is irrelevent. What your wife thinks is.. <p>You could drive him and her closer together.. <p>Your wife needs to be shown that you love her..
Showing the OM that you love her does nothing for anybody. <p>Tex.

have to agree with Tex...it may push her even farther away.<p>The fact that you love her is irrelevant to them. Obviously they don't give a flip about you and what you think or they wouldn't be doing what they're doing.

True. The thing is that I have shown her that I love her in so many ways. But it seems like I get a slap in the face each time I find out that she has seen him. I've been supportive since this has been going on (6months). She doesn't know what she wants. What do you do, wait until the affair is over? I don’t think I can handle it. I’m trying to be strong and be strong for my kids (3 ½ and 16 months) too. I’m even being strong for her.

A very serious question for you> Is the other man married?<p>If he is, or is involved in a committed relationship, aside from your wife, let me give you a very good reason to at least consider spilling the beans to the other person:<p>Sexually Transmitted Diseases...<p>That says it all. Just think about the ramifications of AIDS, or herpes, or HPV and you have to have the decency to forewarn an innocent person of the philandering of their spouse or lover. Give them the information they need to make good decisions for themselves. <p>Aside from that, I would be very careful of any confrontations... they don't give a sh$# about what you think, obviously. They have no moral compunction about breaking up marriages and families or they would not do this in the first place.<p>Truthfully, it might make you feel good but you have to be willing to accept that it might hurt any or all prospects of saving your marriage. Remember the Hippocratic oath, "First do no harm..." that applies to your marriage, too.

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

No you may do something stupid that may affect your future. You must make yourself look like the good guy the whole time... trust me... whether your wife comes back or not, confronting this person will make no difference. You will only end up screwing yourself or push your wife further away. I know it is difficult but you must.<p>I wish you luck

NewStartJ... geeszsh, what a story. I'm not sure everyone could control the outcome the way your story ended up. My gosh, what a nightmare for you!

Davec,
looks like we have alot in common, I am a WH with 2 children the same age as yours, (15 months and 3.5 years, My name is also Dave. This is strange..<p>I have been at this about 8 months now, my Wife A started in June of 2001. My W has left me 3 times for this OM. The OM is a total loser in my book, he is 10 years older than her, lives with his parents, never been married, has no friends, etc.<p>But, I know that if I said any of this to her or confronted him it would only serve to drive her closer to him and disrespect her. When my W returned to live with us for the second time, the OM called my house 7 times one night between 2-3am, I wanted and still want to confront him so bad ( actually I would like to to alot more than just confront him, I would like to break both of his legs with a baseball bat) but I am not ever going there, it will only drive them closer together and possible get myself in trouble. I need to demonstrate that I am the stable responsble parent. The A is not his fault although he does contribute to it, this is your W decision and confronting the OM will not serve your goal to get your W back.
Take care,
Dave

Idon't think you will gain anything from talking to this other man either. Your wife will just get pissed off saying you dont trust her, were spying on her etc etc and it WILL bond them even closer together. <p>My H started an affair under my nose right at work. Of course he still denies PA. I had many suspicions & saw receipts for gifts myself or our friends did not receive, an email, evidence of phone calls and scheduling work out of town trips to the same place at the same time & lying to their spouses (me and OW's husband!). Well, OW got divorced from her H in the middle of all this. Soon after, my H filed against me. This yr he filed dismissal & came home after being gone only 6 weeks. He kept telling me he made a mistake returning & would refile for divorce and this time take our house. So I have not signed dismissal & thats where I'm at. He sleeps on family room floor & barely speaks to me. I am starved for affection & conversation. But I have 2nd job & am very busy, only home to sleep basically.<p>ANyway, to get to the point. So many times I wanted to call other womans then/now ex husband. I had asked her several times to back off, that the path they were on was wrong (I suspected EA then, did not know of PA for sure til later). She lied to my face - just trying to help, just friends and all that crap. Said she wouldnt jeopardize her own marraige (when she'd already asked her H for divorce!)<p>Anyway, My H was at OWs apartment quite a bit & they have a kid. Apparently she even talked about my husband in their home so often! The child even mentioned my H's name. Christmas my H bought her child a present. Her ex-H picked up child from show & tell with a new toy. Asked where he got it - (from my H) & it hit a nerve. HE called ME!! Boy, was I shocked!! But I ddi want to talk to him. It turned out all my suspicians were correct!! After talking, we had filled in the blanks in the pieces of the other person's puzzle. It helped me realize I an not crazy and that my H is a huge LIAR. <p>So if this guy is married or in a long term relationship, snoop around friends, work colleagues etc & find out more. But dont approach other spouse unless you are sure its HIM. What OW's H said to me was his name & then that he didn't know if I wanted to hear what he had to say or not, & if not that would be ok. I knew what he was going to say, by that time & told him bring it on!! Many people knew that we worked with, but NO ONE would say anything to me!! Not even hint at it. After they saw our names in the newspaper THEN they started saying things. Jeesh. Id been going thru hell for a whole year by then!!<p>I'd better shut up. Good luck. Worry about yourself. It takes a long time to learn, but you can't meet the other persons needs if they wont let you. My giver is DEAD. My taker is also starving!! I just try to keep busy & not think about my H (very hard, hes at home in body, but not in mind. I dont think he is seeing OW anymore.)

Since OM is my boss, I confronted him right away to find out what the he!! he was doing with my wife. I didn't find this site until a month and a half ago so I hadn't read all this information first. As far as talking to OM, he would tell me to my face that he understood me and that A would never amount to anything, that it was wrong, blah blah blah. That is what I wanted to hear, not what what he really thought however. Then when I would leave his office, he would call my wife and tell her that I was just in there harrassing him about them. It probably made their A stronger. Then I read some threads on this site and decided that talking to OM was not going to help me get my wife back. He is only concerned about himself and it probably even gets him off knowing the pain he is causing me by having A with my wife. So I haven't talked to him other than when I have to at work and only work related issues. This guy has had several A on his wife and by talking to him about my wife only reinforces his thoughts that he is getting away with it. I have confronted his wife but she is in denial and doesn't know who to believe so she is just letting things slide. FOOL.

MT,
Keep to Plan A, no LBs, confronting OM would be a major LB. Their A will end sooner or later, in the mean time you will have become a better stonger person and will be able to meet her ENs, she will see this and see the OM for what is true colors are. I know its hard but let the A run its course, the more you stir things up, the more fuel you add to the A.
Good luck,
Dave

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by davepr:
<strong>MT,
I know its hard but let the A run its course, the more you stir things up, the more fuel you add to the A.
Good luck,
Dave</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Try this one - nearly two years down the line and my wife is still in contact with OM.<p>DO NOT LET YOUR LIFE CONTINUE IN THIS FASHION.<p>Approaching OM WILL NOT HELP - I tried it - where did it get me? She stood by his side and supported him - IT WILL NOT HELP - they are BOTH buried in their guilt and will do everything possible to justify their position - THEY WILL DRAG YOU DOWN FURTHER TOGETHER. You are then fighting two of them, not just your partner.<p>I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted after tow years - only to find out this last weekend, by getting hold of her cellfone bills for the last 3 months - of whihc she has denied me access all along - that they have STILL been in contact.<p>I feel you have NO OTHER OPTION but to give her the ultimatum - give OM up COMPLETELY or GO.<p>This is affecting and WILL affect your kids for longer than you realize.<p>Please, listen to me.<p>Go and read, in this same forum "My wife had an affair, I still want her" - it didnt work - I do not love her anymore - the same can happen to you - you could end up despising her in the long run.<p>Give her that ultimatum, no matter how hard it may hurt you to do so.<p>I just hope for your sake that you dont have a partner that is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder like I have very strong suspicions that I do.<p>Please listen - dont ruin yourself.

Kevan,
Would this be considered a major LB in Plan A?
I know my W would consider any ultimatum as controlling and would only serve to drive her
closer to OM??? I think that Plan B accomplishes the same thing without LBs.. ie, give up the OM or we have no contact, but in a less threating manner.
Take care,
Dave

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by davepr:
<strong>Kevan,
Would this be considered a major LB in Plan A?
Take care,
Dave</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes Dave - definitely a major LB - confronting him or them will not help at all. They are so deep in their own world that doing that will not help at all.<p>If you are going to stick to Plan A - even tho' its the most difficult thing on this earth - stay away from him - it will do you more harm than good.<p>Plan B - dont let her try and convince you otherwise like I have let my wife do many times - pouring HER guilt onto me, by telling me that "I" would be breaking up the family !!! I know its very hard, believe me, and I am not totally there but am very close to it.<p>You HAVE TO Dave - to be a person yourself and prove to her and yourself that you DO have the strength to move on.<p>I am leaving my wife very soon, I am moving to the opposite side of the country - good luck Dave - I hope things work out better for you - I really do.

Confrontation.<p>FWIW, I see 3 cases.<p>1)The WW is the initiator. You should plan A or kick her out. Your choice.<p>2)The OM is the initiator and has a professional relationship to you or your WW. You must confront OM.<p>3)You don't know who initiated confront WW to find out. This is almost like Plan B.<p>All the above assumes you know about the affair and who OM is. <p>If any ladies would care to give me the logic from a BW's point of view I'd be interested?

well,<p>In my opinion, if you want reconciliation...don't confront.<p>If you have given up and need to feel like you are taking some control back...then let 'em know how you feel. The OW in my situation knows exactly what I think of her and I still don't make a secret of my contempt for her (unless my kids are around, in which case I just pretend she doesn't exist). I was at a point where I didn't care what my ex thought of me anymore, and I most definitely wanted the OW to know what I thought of her - she was not going to take my husband without getting an earful of the truth first.<p>I think those OP who like to thumb their noses at BS deserve a little dose of reality. In retrospect, and a year later down the road...it was at that point that I turned the depression corner and took control of my life.<p>But, again, if you want reconciliation - you will just be making a jerk out of yourself to someone you are trying to win back.<p>Good luck,<p>Lisa