Just looking for some advice here. My xh calls at night to speak to our boys. Well, he doesn't call every night just whenever he has time. Thing is, we have missed some of his calls lately because me and my boys haven't been home or we have been busy. My boys are young and rarely ask to call their father. The times they have asked I have never told them no. Well, my xh keeps asking me when is a good time to call to speak to the boys and I tell him that the time he calls is okay. Then he says that he keeps missing them and wants to know when would be a better time. Should I go out of my way to make sure we are home or not doing something every night so that the boys don't miss the calls? I am not being selfish but I think it is nuts to rearrange our lives for him. I almost feel as if he is still trying to control me and I am trying so hard to break any personal ties and not allow him to control me. Any advice?<p>Thanks,
Kathy

Well, I've never been in your situation yet, but it seems to me, that it is in the best interest of your children to get to be in contact with their father on a regular basis. Also, I thought that was very considerate and logical on his part to ask you when would be a good time to call to talk to the boys. You shouldn't have to rearrange your time, but out of wanting to do the best for your kids, it would seem the best thing to do would be designate a certain time that you CAN say you'll be home (ofcourse life is crazy, and youcan't always be there extactly at that time, just as he may not always be able to call at exactly at that time) But for the kids sake, and to make this easiest on them, they do need regular contact with their daddy. Even if you tell him that every other nite you'll be home between (the hour before their bedtime- you said they were young, so you probalby don't stay out late anyway) and that he can talk to them then.
anway, thats just my 2 cents! Good luck!!!

Kathy,<p>I don't see it as a control issue. On the days I don't have my girls I talk to them twice. They call me after school and I call them 15 minutes before bed-time. When I have the girls my x calls 15 minutes before bed-time. <p>Actually, we argued over that a little because my X thought that it was interfering with her time. We discussed matters and that's the plan we came up with. The key here is consistancy. If I call 3 minutes late, the girls wonder why I'm late. However if their mom doesn't even call, there is no concern.<p>With the coming of the digital age you may have a cell phone. That's what we use when we're busy and it's time for the call.

Hi there-<p>I don't really have a solution, but I have the same problem. I also question whether or not it is a control thing.<p>What I have done is asked my X to call between a certain time period, but have explained that we will not always be there. Between activities and whatever it simply isn't possible. I have also encouraged him to leave messages if we're not there. This way we can return the call if needed or at least the kids know he is checking in to talk and that is reassuring to them.<p>Of course, my X has now taken to calling my mom's whenever he can't reach me (if we're not there he asks where we are)I think it is in an effort to track us down. I have asked him not to do this, but who knows if he will respect it.<p>I totally believe that our children should maintain regular contact with their fathers, but on the other hand I don't think we need to redesign our schedules for them either. In my case my X had and still is having the A. He chose to leave me and the kids, yes, all of us, not just me, and he never looked back. So not having the regular contact he seems to need is not my problem. The kids know they can call him at any time, but they never ask to.<p>I will be watching for any great ideas here. Good luck!<p>K

I try to call my daughter everyday at 9Pm.. Just before bedtime. I hate it when the X picks up the phone first. You'd think that after 2 years of calling to talk to my daughter that it would have sunk in. But, what'a ya gonna do?<p>When I have my daughter I always ask(remind) her to call her mother at around the same time. <p>When I can't get through (I try twice, then quit) on a perticular evening I don't worry about it and call the next night at the same time. <p>Now if I try to call over for 2 or 3 days and don't get an answer I talk to the X and remind her of the issue. That normally clears things up.<p>I don't fight it.. <p>Tex.

I hope you realize how lucky your kids are. My kids' father has called them maybe a dozen times or so in three years, other than calling to say he will be there to pick them up in x minutes. The counselor told him shortly after he left that he should call them every day - he called once, and then said they didn't seem to have much to say, and never called them again unless he has a specific question or message. <p>When they are with him, he discourages them from calling home, and sometimes refuses to let them call. But then again lately he only allows them to visit one night every six or seven weeks.

My opinion, as someone who is in this situation from all sides, is that you do your best to arrange a time for your ex to call the boys and have those boys there whenever possible at that time. Obviously plans sometimes cannot be broken. I would then suggest you have the boys call their father for a quickie call to let him know.<p>I don't see this as a control issue AT ALL. I think this father wants to speak to his boys daily and is trying to find a solution that works well for all - at least from the information you give here.

My H left 9 months ago...put the OW first and really hardly saw the kids at all. They NEVER called him and they still don't...not just to talk. They have called to tell him a change in a game...or what time he was coming to pick them up. If he comes to a game...it's like the next day or two he doesn't call. He is putting pressure to get the divorce....because he said he will see the boys more. I asked him what would change? He always had an excuse. They couldn't come to the hotel...what would they do there? He would say it would be better when he got into an apartment....then he did that and nothing changed....because what were they going to do over there??? By the way...my kids are 14 and almost 18....they are old enough to make choices...I have told them at some point they will probably have a relationship with Dad and OW. My 18 yr old said that he didn't want to be a part of Dad's new family. The 14 yr old said "ditto".
I have said alot more than i had planned on....sorry, difficult conversations tonight with boys and then H (lot's of divorce stuff)....it really got to me.<p>I know that my boys need their Dad. But I can't be the one to fix this...I have tried and the boys get upset with me......he needs to find his way back to them...but first he needs to stop being so selfish. HIs actions speak louder than any words that I can say.<p>Again, sorry for the long post...I think that you need to do what would make your kids feel most comfortable. But changing plans....I don't think I would do that...maybe that could be a night that they can call him....maybe on a cell phone....from wherever you are. Good luck...it's really a tough situation for the kids.

I have caller ID and if I see it's him..I have the kids answer the phone..unless there is something I need to discuss w/ him..which isn't very often..<p>He has a cell phone and they call him whenever they want too..if he's busy then he call's them back..if he doesn't answer they leave him a msg and he call's back..if we aren't here when he calls back then they check to see if he's called and they call him back..I never tell the kids they can't call him either.<p>So maybe they can try something like everyday after school or when you get home from work they they can talk to him while your making dinner, tell about their day at school and then go do homework or other activities..and then make plans to call about 1/2 or so before they go to bed..or
while one is in the bath the other can talk to him..and then when the one gets out of the bath they can talk while the other takes the bath??

Thank you all for your advice.<p>Please don't think that I am keeping my children from talking to their father. It just seems to me that my ex thinks that we should drop whatever we are doing or always be waiting at home and never miss his phone calls. It is hard for my children to call their father because he works at night and his job is very strict regarding incoming personal calls. The kids are at school/preschool during the day so that really leaves little time for them to have an opportunity to talk to their father. I fully believe that they need their father and I do everything in my power to make sure they have a relationship with their father. Sometimes I feel like I have to push my ex spend time with our children. A few weeks ago I vowed to never do that anymore. Breaking that personal connection.....can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.<p>Thank you all, again!<p>Kathy