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#72413 03/06/00 04:54 PM
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ldguard Offline OP
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It has been quite a while since I have posted to this site. Here is my update. I am now divorced as of Jan 25 (5 1/2 weeks after being informed that she even wanted a divorce!) Our home is sold, I'm in an apartment, she has bought a townhouse, I get to see my kids every other weekend and one day during the week (actually quite a bit more than that but this is the minimum), and there is now a third party involved (though he is several hundred miles away!)<BR>When this first started, besides finding this site, I ran to God! No, I'm not going to preach to you so please continue reading. Yes, I am a Christian but this made me a much stronger one. Anyway, an area that He led me to was restored marriages. There are numerous sites on the web for restored marriages. And the testimonies are unbelievable!<P>One of the best is at <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> This couple has a wonderful testimony! After four children, the husband had an affair an eventually divorced his wife. She ran to God and started applying the principles she learned to her own life. Two years later, her husband returned, changed his ways and they were blessed with three more children. Today, they are helping so many other couples to apply these principles and let God restore their marriages.<P>And that is just the first testimony! There are a lot more on just this one website. Email me if you would like the addresses of other sites. A lot of Michele's techniques are very much in line with these biblical principles. What a powerful 1-2 punch! What have you got to lose once you've lost it all?<P>I guess one big question that I have is how do I apply these principles now that we are divorced? I love her with all my heart and I do forgive her. My kids deserve a loving family environment and I am ready to do what ever God asks me to do. <P>Doug<P>

#72414 03/08/00 10:29 AM
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Doug: I am in a very similar situation. I have been divorced for 2 1/2 yrs after a 28 yr marriage. My ex left me ofr OW, and although they still live together, there doesn't seem to be any marriage plans. We also have 4 children and only one left at home, a 16 yo daughter who I have primary custody. I found this forum too late, to help save my marriage. I really do want it restored, and have been reading here several times a week to get any ideas I can to help in the process. We have had a roller coaster of emotions these past two years, and have been back and forth between the Plan A and Plan B, unknowingly. We went to our daughter's soccer banquet two nights ago and actually sat together [OW did not come at my daughters request ], and we didn't have a food fight!! We visited and had a really nice time , at least I thought so. It brought back all the loving type feelings on my part and makes me even more determined to restore my marriage, despite the low odds. I would be most interested in anything you have to say or any other posts you can recommend.

#72415 03/08/00 10:35 AM
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Doug: I couldn't fing your Email adrees for the info. Here's mine <P>gg713@bellsouth.net

#72416 03/08/00 11:33 AM
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There are ocassions where two people divorce and then later remarry. If they still love each other and they have learned from the mistakes they made their first time around I think it's wonderful. My guess because divorce is so easy now adays is that there are more couples out there that pre-maturely divorce. What does worry me though is the one spouse that can't let go and can't move on with their life because they keep hanging on to the spouse that left them. That to me seems like it would be a personal hell staying stuck in the past and holding on to false hope. I know for me, I'd like to get along well with my ex and co-parent with him for our children's sake, but I also know that I would never ever want to re-marry him. I would feel terrible if he mis-took my nice jesters as a sign that I wanted to get back together. Just the other day a friend from work was telling me about her neighbor. Her neighbors husband left her 5 years ago and she still refused to move on. Everytime they had a good conversation or he called her she mis-took it as him having feelings for him, only to be let down. My friend told me that the entire neighborhood feels for this woman because she's stuck wanting something she will probably never have. So much life she's missing out on. So, at what point do you move on and when do you know that there is a chance of getting back together with your ex? Is there hope when your divorced as long as they aren't involved with another?<P>Do you give up once they have a new "steady"? Or, do you wait until they actually re-marry? If that isn't the point where you move on then what is? After they have had children together? After they've been married 5, 10 or 15 years? While your waiting for the possibility of getting back together do you date?

#72417 03/08/00 11:49 AM
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I do have hope that some day I caa restore my marriage but I don't sit around pining away for him. I am well aware that as long as he is with OW, there is no hope for recovery. I can only Pla A whenever I have the chance, because she can't keep his needs met 100% of the time. We also have 4 children together, and she has none. She is resentful of the time my ex spends with our daughter, and doesn not like him to contact me. She is starting to show some jealous tendancies which could be the beginning of LB. I go out on dates, work full time, and have a lot of activities to keep me occupied. I may just meet someone else, and I'm not closed off to that idea, but as long as neither of us are married,I will try to restore my marriage. He has lived with OW since divorce, but there are no wedding plan. However, I do know that if he does get married, then I am 100% done. I have moved on the best I can, and do have a good life now without him, but unfortunately, I still have a lot of feelings left and at this point I still love him. All that could change tomorrow.

#72418 03/08/00 11:51 AM
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Bonnie,<P>You ask some great questions and to be honest, this deals more with one's belief in God and what He says about marriage. I personally believe that when I married my wife, I made a life-long covenant with her and with God. I am not hanging on for hanging on sake. I am moving towards God and letting Him handle her, and He will. I don't want to push my beliefs onto you, everyone has to discover the Truth for themselves. If you would like to discuss further, please email me at ldguard@quixnet.net <P>I would also suggest that you check out the website mentioned above, they have a lot of testimonies of marriages that have been restored. There are couples who have divorced, one remarries while one remains "standing" for the marriage, that second marriage ends in divorce (83% of second marriages end in divorce!), and they end up back together! There is another testimony where they hadn't seen each other for 9 years and were reconciled! God is God of the impossible!<P>The neighbor you talk about has her heart in the right place, she just needs direction from God and to follow Him. The book would make a great gift to her!<P>Sorry to sound so preachy! My life has totally changed since this divorce and my subsequent sprint back to God. He is showing me much.<P>Doug<BR>

#72419 03/08/00 11:59 AM
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There is a wonderful testimony of a man whose wife left him for another man. He offered to babysit when she went out on a date with her boyfriend and he said he would "always be available." Each night he would babysit, he would also clean up after the children went to bed (really going the second, third and even fourth mile). God blessed him for his heart of giving. After a while, the other guy started to become irritated with the ex-husband's presence. He started to be rude and short with him. The ex-husband would never respond in anger, but would bless him. After a few of these attacks, the wife stood up for her ex-husband. One night she ordered the boyfriend out of the house and added, "And don't come back!" She couldn't deny the change in her ex-husband any longer. They were married again shortly thereafter.<P>This testimony came from Dan Theile of Restore Ministries (www.restorem.org) but I just heard another testimony that is almost exactly the same at my church Monday night! The one thing to notice in these is that the "stander" was NOT pursuing. They were simply showing genuine love and kindness towards everyone, including the boyfriend! Only God could do that because there is NO WAY I could do that by myself!

#72420 03/08/00 06:50 PM
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BonnieSept:<P>I remember appreciating your post to me on another thread about feeling a spark if there was never a spark to begin with.<P>Anyway, I just read your post here and I wanted to tell you that you are really doing a great thing by being on MB site. Even though you're now in a good marriage and you really love your husband you still make yourself available to try and help other people. I respect that. Especially since your opinions and advice is based on what you've experienced yourself. You've been on both sides and I think many people can benefit from what you have to say.<P>What you said really hit home for me as I've never really let go either and I'm the one that wanted the divorce. I'm the one in another serious relationship but I'm not letting go of my exH. I'm keeping him hanging in case it doesn't work out with my boyfriend. No one wins in this situation. It's not fair to my exH. It's not fair to B. It's not fair to me. My guilt is killing me. <BR>I've started counseling and along with some of you on MB I'm trying to stop what I've been doing and face reality. I've done it because of my own insecurities. It's not right. I'm not proud of myself. It's not only unethical and selfish, it's unhealthy to hang on. It doesn't matter if you are the betrayed spouse left alone or the one involved with OP. Hanging on only does harm. It's OK to have hope. It's not OK to give or perceive false hope.

#72421 03/09/00 09:30 AM
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Decisiontime: I respect your honesty. You came right out and said what most people involved in an affair think. That is "I'll hang on to my husband until I'm sure it would work with the other man so I'm not alone". I went through those same thoughts when I was first involved in my affair. I knew I wanted to be with the other man but it scared me to leave my husband just in case the other man changed his mind and decided to stay with his wife. Your right. Those thoughts are selfish and extremely unfair to your spouse. It was what I feared most I think. And what I feared most did slap me right in the face! When my husband suspected my affair and I confirmed it I felt a huge relief lifted off of my shoulders. No more sneaking and no more lies. The OM confronted his wife also and she did just what I thought she would. She begged him to stay with her. Between her and his family he was filled with a tremendous amount of guilt about wanting a divorce (as he should have been). I never in my life saw a person in such pain. The depression he sunk into was unbelievable. I told him to stay in his marriage, to work on it and too leave me alone. Then I started the divorce process. I was now faced with being without my husband or the other man. As strange as this sounds I felt better about myself in this situation then I did while I was having the affair. I realized what I had done was terrible to so many people and I deserved to be without either one of them. I also realized that what I needed to do was to get myself back on track and to make decisons about my marriage based on "our" marriage, not another man. Despite the pain I realized that even if the other man wasn't there I really needed out of my marriage. We seperated and I was alone. It was a sense of relief. I think you know the rest of the story. The OM and I did eventually marry but what happened to us is so extremely rare. I also know that if we never did get together I would have been fine on my own. So, you are correct in getting counseling. You need to find out why you are so frightened about being a lone. You need to really figure out what it really is that you want. I need to stress that if you really, really feel like you still love your husband (even a little bit) that he deserves you either giving up the other man and giving 100% to your marriage or letting him go. The betrayal hurts him worse then the leaving. I learned from my experience. I would never ever betray a human being like I did in my past. I love my husband very, very much and I use marriage builders every day to keep our marriage strong. I don't ever want to go through the divorce process again and I never, ever want to see my children or family go through it again.

#72422 03/12/00 08:08 PM
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Thank You so much for directing me to (www.restorem.org) it is a great site for testimonials! My story is a little different in the fact that I am not divorced. My H is in the military and we are apart alot. He was transferred last spring while I was almost finished with my degree. So we were apart, but tried to see each other as much as we could. I was visiting him for christmas when I could tell he was very distant and unloving. He told me on christmas eve that he didn't love me and wanted a divorce. I told him that I didn't want a divorce and still loved him. This surprised him (he was hoping I'd feel the same way: relieved) because I had been mentioning there were problems in the marriage. He insisted there was no one else, but I soon found out this wasn't true. Once I found this out, he spent every night with OW and sometimes came back home to me. New Year's was the worst. He spent it with OW and I was in a town in which I knew no one. I had been turning to God more every day since I found out, so I made myself even more vunerable and went to a church party that i found in the yellow pages. I knew I needed prayer and a new group of christians that could support me. I heard more bad advice than good (from well meaning people). I returned to my home in another state and closed up everything. My church group there was very supportive, especially since I came down with the chicken pox, and was bed ridden. I knew that since my H and I had already experienced a great deal of separation, that more wouldn't help our marriage. But before returning to be with H, I had to make a detour to attend my grandmothers funeral. It seemed that God was throwing me curve balls at each turn. I was resolved though not to waiver in my faith, and actually have continued to strenghen it. When I did return, H pick me up at the airport, but did leave a car for me. He had moved out and now lived with OW. With this going on for a couple of weeks he was still telling me that he didn't leave me because of OW, but that he didn't love me anymore. I explained that I felt his actions weren't matching his words. He then moved out of OW's home and in with a friend from work. He has been really nice this whole time. Which confuses me more. He has come over for a movie and dinner, gone to church with me and gone to a conselor with me. But he still insists that he views the marriage as unsalvageable. I know that as long as I trust in God's word that the marriage can be saved. I know all this strayed from my original intent. Which is to say that because of reading the testimonials I have ordered some books from (www.restorem.org) and yes I have been reading other biblicaly based books on marriages and affairs. But I wanted to let everyone know that even while going through this I find tremendous peace in God's word. I hope to be able to come back and cry to you when things are rough, share my joy when things are good, vent when I have anger and just update you on what happens. May God heal us all, and open our eyes to the lessons we have in front of us, so that we may help those experiencing the same.<P>"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

#72423 03/13/00 01:35 AM
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BonnieSept,<P>Have you posted your email address on any of the email threads? <P>It would be nice to talk to you since you are one of the few that married your OM.<P>It's great getting advice from here but 99% of it is pushing for dumping the OP and restoring your marriage.(which I understand since it is a marriage builder site)<BR>

#72424 03/13/00 04:23 PM
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BonnieSept,<P>I also wanted to ask you if your exH wanted to try for your marriage to work after he knew about your OM?

#72425 03/14/00 08:27 AM
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Decisiontime: No I haven't posted my e-mail because I usually post from work and don't want my work address posted all over. Do you have an e-mail address I could contact you at? You asked about my ex and his reaction when he found out about the other man. When he found out I told him that I loved the OM and wanted to be with him. My ex had a very different reaction from other men that post on this board. He was extremely angry and decided that all of our marriage problems were my fault, period. We did do some counseling but we never got anywhere. He was always asked to leave because he would sit in there and tell the counselor that he was perfect. It's really a long story but his personality has always been to blame others for everything and he's never taken blame for anything in his entire life. Anyhow, I knew I didn't want my marriage anymore and he knew that too. When he found out about my affair our relationship turned to nothing but revenge. He was determined to divorce me and ruin my life. There was threats against my life and he'd even try to use the kids to hurt me. He'd rob the home, steal all of the home movies and pictures of the kids, their saving bonds etc.... When I did get a different place for the kids and myself he'd egg it and drive on the lawn. I think at the moment of discovery, he truly hated me. Even if we had wanted to work on our marriage it would have never happened. Once he's angry he never gets over it.

#72426 03/15/00 12:55 AM
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BonnieSept,<P>decisiontime_2000@yahoo.com<P>Send me a test message to see if I set this up right. Tks.


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