Hi all,<p>First, I was thinking last night my marriage started on April 21, the divorce will be final within weeks...how ironic...<p>It's been almost a year since he filed for divorce. So now that it's close to the same day we married, it just almost seems like that's the way it should be...<p>Second, his attorney said he can negotiate with me directly on issues...whoopie! Probably because he's so full of it, the attorney is sick of hearing him...<p>Anyway, the crap is getting deep and I may need to borrow shovel to dig through it before the divorce is final this month...<p>Here's our latest communications...<p>From stbx.....

I don't want you to think I'm trying to control you but I am concerned with the children moving out of state. Is this an issue for you?<p>I have worried a lot about future men in the children's life but will have to trust your judgment as I know I will not be in the loop on that subject. Should I find a future mate I would have no problem introducing you and getting your feedback for the children's sake. I know you may feel differently and am not suggesting anything other than what I would consider.<p>Please respond and let me know your concerns or issues you need to discuss as to a final settlement. I am not suggesting anything in the final settlement concerning future mates at this time. <p>I wrote him back this...<p>
I can never say 100% for sure that I would never move out of state, but I can say it would take some devastation where I could no longer support my family in Houston to do this. I love Houston, my parents and sisters have suggested a move and I told them forget about it, it isn't going to happen. I like the children being close to you. They need you too. I like the schools, I like my neighborhood and where we live. The children are happy and secure in this home so I can never see moving. Even after they graduate I plan to stay in Houston. Houston is my home. <p>As far as other spouses or boyfriends in my life. That's my business and will remain my business always. I trust my opinion and do not feel that I need your approval. Sorry. If it's any help. As you know, my children's welfare will always come first. You will just have to trust or accept my judgement.<p>His response back...

I didn't intend to suggest I wanted a hand in choosing your boyfriends and I thought I made that clear. I guess I didn't. I know that's been your business and will remain your business just as my future is my business and will remain my business. If you don't want to extend any courtesies to me I may still choose to extend some to you. It was only meant to reassure, not
control.<p>I don't buy for a minute that his email wasn't a control thing but oh well, it doesn't bother me because I know he's full of it.<p>He also is so full of crap regarding our business we owned...he's mentioned things like the below statement before, sort of saying perhaps I'm hiding some record regarding our books at our company...I feel my honor and integrity is being questioned, but he's trying to get to me, and I see right through him. He knows what he's doing and I'm going to ignore...<p>He wrote this...<p>
I also need to be indemnified from any debts that are not reported on the inventories you and I submitted, business related or personal. I have no idea if you took out credit cards in my name for payroll purposes. I know I trusted you to sign my name and I'm not accusing you of anything illegal. I just don't have all the information you were privy to. I feel very stupid when
my attorney asks me financial questions and have to reply they need to ask you. Apparently they are not allowed to contact you directly so I have a dilema. This is strictly a business decision so I know exactly where I stand and can plan my budget accordingly. To subpeona records, call your attorney and get court orders would cost a fortune I don't have. I think we can share information and resolve the financial issues amicably. If you have any ideas which would achieve the same ends I am open for suggestion.<p>Ya know, I could not care less what he subpeona's or looks at, I gave him a copy of our accounting program and I told him I'd store all the records in a public storage for his view anytime. I think my lawyer will laugh when she finds out he wants some sort of indemnity...and each time he writes that he's not accusing me....yea, yea, whatever...<p>Well, anyone got a HUGE shovel?<p>ANNA<p>[ April 07, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

This confirm it - the WHs all have the same brain.<p>My divorce will too be final soon and my WH is sending me the same - well you know..... can I borrow your shovel?<p>His latest e-mail asked me to consider selling the house and switching the children's school. He made it sound so innocent - but the school he is proposing is the same school that OW's kids attend - I know that he just wants to make it easier for her to be able to bring all the kids to the same school - does he think I'm an idiot?<p>And he says that I'm not thinking in the best interest of the kids - he just wants to divorce his wife, move in with OW, move the kids from their home and friends and switch their school - all at the same time. Best interest of kids - can we all say selfish? Talk about the fog rolling in.<p>I would suggest if you do talk to your STBX about anything, that you do it by e-mail(so there is a written record) or with a third party present taking notes or taping the conversation. Otherwise STBX will probably take everything you say the wrong way and try to find a way to twist the meaning. I find it hard to work with someone in the fog - I end up all wet.<p>Good luck. K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I also need to be indemnified from any debts that are not reported on the inventories you and I submitted, business related or personal. I have no idea if you took out credit cards in my name for payroll purposes. I know I trusted you to sign my name and I'm not accusing you of anything illegal. I just don't have all the information you were privy to. <hr></blockquote><p>Hang on a minute, let me get this straight. He's not accusing you of anything illegal, but he wants to know about the debts being concealed and credit cards you took out in his name??? Why, praytell, does HE not know where the money for payroll came from? Is he taking lessons from Enron's CEO, claiming he didn't know things that he *could* and *SHOULD* have known? <p>Anna, I've got a shovel, a sharpshooter, a pickax, a hoedag! I dunno, that may not be enough. This may require heavy equipment. LOL!<p>btw, I'm in Texas too. For the first time I'm interested in finding out the timeframes. Does it really take a year from filing for it to be final, or is the long timeframe the result of dragging feet?<p>[ April 07, 2002: Message edited by: lonesome heart ]</p>

God is in Control,<p>First I love how much you have grown on MB!<p>Second, HE WANTS YOU TO CHANGE THE SCHOOLS FOR THE STEP CHILDREN....SHEESH!<p>They must be long, lost brothers...<p>That's just awful. How selfish can they get?<p>Lonesome Heart,<p>
Is he taking lessons from Enron's CEO, claiming he didn't know things that he *could* and *SHOULD* have known? <p>That is too funny!<p>Well, he's trying to get under my skin. During our business days he and his partner tried to talk me in to a few shady deals, but I said, "No way" the extra money is not worth me going to jail. He knows my business and personal ethics are very high, and now for him to pull this bull...<p>I just keep thinking, "Don't let him do it, don't let him get under your skin, don't let him win with the crap."<p>BTW, nope, it doesn't take a year, it's only suppose to take something like 60 days after he files. After he filed, he just set on everything. Some of it was due to running a business together, closing this, and getting new jobs. It made things a little more complicated...but mainly he just dragged it out. I think he thought that if he gave me enough time, I'd beg him to come back because I can't make it without him. I'd tell him he doesn't have to get anger management help and that beating me up was my own fault...Then we'd live happily ever after, his way.<p>WELL it ain't gonna happen! Not now, not ever. The more he's gone, the more I see how totally sick he is.<p>Take care and thanks so much for the support. I can really use it now that it's getting closer.<p>ANNA

Lonesome heart,<p>Do you have an email? I need to email you a quick question.<p>ANNA

You've got mail Anna! <p>Say, I was just thinking about things my H says to me (repeatedly, over the years). As I became more informed about emotional and verbal abuse, depression, and even personality disorders, I finally got smart enough to NOT believe the things he would say. Things like, you'd be nowhere without me, you have a flawed thinking process, you don't have what it takes. More recently, I can stand back a bit, and think to myself, he's describing HIMSELF! Not me! It just made me wonder.... do you suppose your H has debt that he's concealing? Credit cards in your name that you know nothing about? It seems odd that he would snatch those things out of the clear blue sky and "not accuse you of anything illegal, but.."

Thanks for noticing the "growth." I've seen it too, and not a moment too soon because of all that's about to happen wit hthe divorce process.<p>I have to concur with lonesome heart's thoughts about why STBX wants to know those things.<p>I've learned that my WH only accuses me of things that he's doing. It's just how you catch a little kid doing something they shouldn't.<p>And one quick aside about the school - they're not even his step kids yet - he hasn't even said that their getting married. I guess it's just in case - or he's just using her to take care of his kids. He did tell me early on that if I wouldn't totally rearrange my schedule to take care of the kids when he was at work, then he'd have to marry someone to take care of them. How nice for the OW.......<p>K

How many shovels do you need to borrow??? I have 3 or 4 of them...I have enough out there you can shovel the BS for a couple weeks if that helps...LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Oh I have snow shovel too if it really gets deep...(hmmmm -- a snow shovel in Florida)<p>Anyway...You'll both need to give copies of all your financial information to your atty's..copies of all of your info will be sent to his lawyer..and copies of all of his will be sent to yours..you'll need copies of your past two or three years income tax returns..you'll need copies of bank statements (if you haven't already done all of these things..but I am assuming you have)
if you have then he needs to chill...if you've given your atty copies of all the business documents then he can contact your lawyer for copies which I'm sure their office has already sent them over..so if his lawyer lost them..oh well..he can ask your lawyer again..and let him do that..so maybe your lawyer won't bill you for that time..but they probably will...if you haven't given them copies of the business records you should..that way they know what he's capable of making..and base child support on that too..if it's more than what he's making now...<p>God's blessings in all this mess

Please send everything certified. E-mail may not be enough to protect you. I wish that I could understand the thinking of someone who leaves and then tries to give orders to the other on how they should behave or how they should feel. It is obvious that you are still hurting and care just as I did. I lost almost 50 pounds and am still losing after my wife of three years ran off to live with two lesbians. She had the nerve to tell me to stop crying the night that she left. Ignore him and do whatever you want. It sounds like he already has moved on and found someone else to me. Sorry.

Anna2K.. Sorry darlin but I have got to say something that may be significantly different.. Ok???? <p>The Xw and I had just about the same conversation regarding other men in her life and another woman mine as well. <p>First off let me say that I am very, very, very slow to anger, but God help you if you've past that point. I know this, She knows this, and everybody that knows me, knows this. I care very deeply for my daughter. I don't want to see her development hendered by confusion, collution(sp?), or lack of confidence. <p>I said to my X that I would hope that we don't introduce any men/woman into her life until one of 2 things happens, 1.) That you or I have a ring on your hand and a date has been set for your wedding, or 2.) She (My Daughter) at some future age has the maturity to deal with the situation. Based on her current age, and maturity, I would say somewhere but not nessesarily around age 13-14. Maybe more, maybe less. <p>I then said that I wanted her (The X) to know a few things:
1.) I will always be her father and Dad.
2.) You will always be her mother and mom.
3.) I will always back your decesions as long as it doesn't have the potential of inflicting longterm physical/emotional pain on my D.
4.) In regards to #3, I expect the same in return.
5.) If at any time YOU choice to introduce a new sigificant man into her life. It is your reponsibility to deal with the results. The same stands for me.
6.) If you introduce this new person to my D and in the future this person lays hand to my daughter.. I will lay hand onto this new person, 100 fold.
7.) If this new person during the term of your relationship (Be it short or long term) touches my D in anyway other than a loving/caring way, the flood gates of hell will open.
8.) All the things I stated above stand equally for me as well. <p>After that she said that "There wasn't anybody in her life". I said "Sure". She said, "I don't have any friends". I said, "Right, Whatever, Do we agree"? She said "Yes". <p>The X understands that I would get sigificantly medevil if something happened to my D...<p>Now when I have my D on my weekends or midweek visits she (the X) can do what ever, where ever, floats her boat, that is not my concern in any way shape or form. However, if it impacts my daughter it becomes my concern. <p>Since my divorce I know that my D has had exporsure to new men. How do I know? The D tells me, and its getting EZer to take. (Really)<p>My D seems to understand that I am her Dad. And this may be the bottom line for me and your STBX, that he will always be there father/Dad. There is a sigificant ammount of insecurity when it comes to the potential lose of a child. You could talk to him a million times from sunday and he will never get over it in the short term. It takes time, it takes your understanding, since you have the kids (I assume) significantly more than he does. <p>Time has past for me.
I know that the X has introduced other men to my D. <p>Do I care? Yes. <p>Am I concerned? Yes. <p>Am I going to intervere? No. <p>Interestingly enough there is a certain kind of trust that has developed between my X and myself since the divorce. <p>I trust her not to inject into my daughters live undue hardship. <p>I think in a previous post I said that to a certain extent a man not only divorces his wife but also his childern. Oh, I know that isn't true in the physical sense, but from the paternal sense it is very much true. I can no longer pretect my daughter from pain, be it mental or physical. I can only deal with the aftermath. Which means I am religated to the reactive, not the proactive. To alot of men, including myself this sucks. <p>And it hurts!!.<p>So give it time. It will work itself out. Your STBX is going through withdraw. I know I did, and things are going good for me. <p>
I'll stop. I fell like I'm stating to ramble.<p>Anyway:
My .02$
Tex.