Need some advise...since stbxw has gone back to the OM, she has become extremely bitter and mean towards me again. I cannot even
communicate with her regarding the children. I have a very important dinner with three Vice Presidents in my company on May 07, I explaned the
situation to her in an e-mail and asked if she could keep the kids this one night, Her reply was very bitter, she stated no that she has important
things in her life too and that I can't take advantage of her and continue to walk all over her.She told me to find a babysitter. I have the kids all but 6 nights a month, I was just asking for one night so that I could attend this important work meeting. Why is it that the BS becomes so defense when they are
with the OM? I again feel like she is a different person. She also stopped going to IC. When she came back home the last time I felt like I was
starting to see the old person, that her thinking was more rational, she understood that divorce was impacting the children, etc I guess now she is
back in the fog completely. All I did was ask about watching the kids for one night. Can a WS go in and out of the fog? Will it ever clear? Although it is
too late for us, I would like to have a rational mother for my children.
Thanks

I don't know yuor story here-- you said you have the kids all but six nights a month--<p>Something you will learn as a single custodial parent..<p>you can't depend on the other parent to take the kids..be they WS, or BS's..when you have other plans..<p>so you'll need to find another sitter..thats your job now as a single dad..Who takes care of the kids when your at work? Can you ask them? Or someone at the daycare center they go to that you can trust?? <p>if you know any of your neighbors that you trust, a parent, a brother or sister, maybe someone you work with..finding a sitter is not always easy...but you do have a few weeks in which to find one..so YOUR Blest..it's those last minute things that are really hard to locate sitters for..<p>I really empathize for you..I know what it's like having to take care of kids all alone every day
24/7 for days on end..<p>Just know that you gave her the first opportunity to take the kids, and she refused..that is her loss..<p>did you ask her to leave or did she leave on her own..was she a stay at home mom before or did she work out side the home? did you help with the kids before? Or did she always tend to the kids? <p>If she was always the one responsible for the kids
and worked outside the home..she may be trying to allow you first hand experience to see working and doing everything around the house is too much for one person...heck staying home and doing everything and taking care of kids is too much for one person when you have a spouse who is there and your doing for them too...and they don't help..<p>Like I said, I don't know your story..so I am just trying to figure out what she may be thinking in order to help you understand where she may be coming from..<p>I mean if she did everything around the house and worked outside the home and all you did was work outside the home and come in and watch tv and offer no domestic support..she may think this is the only way for YOU to figure that out..

Dave,
TR is right, just do what you have to do in finding a babysitter. My x was the same way and then she started to want om watch the kids so thats in your future too.<p>Sounds like your stbx is following the same script as mine did.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by davepr:
<strong>Need some advise...since stbxw has gone back to the OM, she has become extremely bitter and mean towards me again. I cannot even
communicate with her regarding the children. Her reply was very bitter, she stated no that she has important
things in her life too and that I can't take advantage of her and continue to walk all over her.She told me to find a babysitter. I have the kids all but 6 nights a month, I was just asking for one night so that I could attend this important work meeting. Why is it that the BS becomes so defense when they are
with the OM? I again feel like she is a different person. She also stopped going to IC. When she came back home the last time I felt like I was
starting to see the old person, that her thinking was more rational, she understood that divorce was impacting the children, etc I guess now she is
back in the fog completely. All I did was ask about watching the kids for one night. Can a WS go in and out of the fog? Will it ever clear? Although it is
too late for us, I would like to have a rational mother for my children.
Thanks</strong><hr></blockquote> <p>Your Ex sounds like mine, dude. Basically, (at least from my experience) NOTHING matters (to her) except for what she thinks. She sounds delusional and anything that has to do with YOU is going to be "he's trying to screw me over again" ie. she's convinced that you are out to hurt her in any way you can, etc. and nothing you can do or say will change her thinking. My ex has both our kids, and she has lied her way into their hearts so my kids will have absolutely nothing to do with me, they parrot word-for-word the same things that their Mother tells them to, etc. I haven't seen them for nearly 4 years now and the last letter they wrote me, they called me a liar and wanted me to give them up for adoption. Why did I say all this? Because when an ex is bitter, it's because they have NOT moved beyond the Anger Phase of Divorce Recovery. They have not "given this to God" and let Him handle the hurt, pain and anger for them. I would recommend an excellent book by Jim Smoke "Growing Thru Divorce" it is at most Christian Bookstores. I know I was an emotional basket case till I got my hands on it. It helped me work through my Divorce, that and a lot of praying to the Lord got me thru it and on with life. Sure, today, my ex slams me whenever she can to my Family, her Family, and whoever else will listen. I chost to "take the high road" and not have anything bad to say about her - I just let her actions prove to everyone how bitter, self-centered, conniving, and hateful she really is inside: and her continuing act of "O poor me" is just that - an act... God WILL help you through divorce and if you surround yourself with Friends and Family, along with folks from your Church, you'll do fine. And also, you are fortunate to have your children a lot of the time. The Custodial Parent has a great influence on their children. Please consider yourself blessed to have Custody. Love your children all you can, and never down their Mother to them; her actions will do that for you as actions always speak much louder than words ever could...
God bless you,
Harold

Dave,<p>I am sorry you have to go through this. I can't imagine telling their dad I can't watch them. I can't imagine only having my children 6 days a month (father or mother) either. It's just sad.<p>Have you filed for child support yet? I hope so! <p>Take care and I hope you find a sitter. I understand your frustration. I would be frustrated too. Just know that this is what she wants, your world to be as chaotic as hers, don't let her get you there. Instead find a sitter you can rely on. Often there are places that take them at night now if you live in a larger city. <p>ANNA<p>[ April 18, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Hi davepr,<p>I&#8217;ve been following your story for a while. I&#8217;m so sorry things are not going the way you hoped, but be comforted that you did all you could to fix things.<p>By-the-way I agree with the others advice regarding babysitting&#8230;There are very wise people on this message board.<p>I have another thought regarding your WS negative attitude toward you, and I think this is typical for many WS&#8217;s&#8230;The problem is GUILT and JUSTISFICATION. She will never admit this, not even to herself, but I think she knows deep down inside the damage she&#8217;s done and is doing; not only to you, but also to the children. I suspect her choices have violated her moral code and conscience, but she is unable or unwilling to change her present course. Her anger toward you is her way of living with these bad choices. It&#8217;s a way to justify her actions. As long as she can blame you, she's able to avoid facing her own blame and guilt. I think the reason she's so visibly bitter toward you is you&#8217;re being kind and not giving much ammunition for this line of thinking, so what you're seeing is frustration. I think she&#8217;s hoping you will respond in a like manner and thereby validate the bad decisions she has made.<p>Recommendation:
Don&#8217;t take her anger personal&#8230;Don&#8217;t respond in a like manner&#8230;Be a great father and example to your children &#8230;You&#8217;ve done all you can do, so any possibility of future reconciliation is up to her&#8230;Let go and move on with your life. The best thing for everybody concerned is for you to be the best person you can and be happy.<p>Take Care and God Bless,
L&F

Thanks everyone.. for those not familiar with my current situation.. we are legally seperated, we got seperated before I was aware of the A.
STBXW does not work outside of the home, she worked up until the birth of our first child. She watches the kids from 8-6 every work day and she has them every other weekend. She is suppose to have them 50% of the nights but she did not want this, said it was too much for her to handle.
I pay her alimony and child support, about $2K a month. I had a session with Jen Harley and adivse to terminate the alimiony, I have to go back to court to do this, that is in progress. I did not meet all of her ENs while we were together, but I did give her alot of help around the house, taking care of the kids, cleaning, etc. This is one are that i did do very well in.<p>I will take eveyone advise and get a babysitter, this just seems so unfair to me. I have agreed to watch the kids for a week in July and a week in Sept. I will have to take 2 weeks of vacation for this, I just found out today that her and OM are going to NYC in July and a cruise in Sept while I take 2 weeks of my vacation to take care the kids.
I guess I can make the most of it and take the kis someone on our own vacation.<p>Harold, I am so sorry about your situation, that must be very difficult. You hit the nail on the head, everything I do is wrong..<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> be "he's trying to screw me over again" ie. she's
convinced that you are out to hurt her in any way you can, etc. and nothing you can do or say will change her thinking <hr></blockquote> This is exactly the situation.<p>L&F,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>As long as she can blame you, she's able to avoid facing her own
blame and guilt. I think the reason she's so visibly bitter toward you is you’re being kind and not giving much ammunition for
this line of thinking, so what you're seeing is frustration. I think she’s hoping you will respond in a like manner and thereby
validate the bad decisions she has made.<p> Recommendation:
Don’t take her anger personal…Don’t respond in a like manner…Be a great father and example to your children …You’ve done all
you can do, so any possibility of future reconciliation is up to her…Let go and move on with your life. The best thing for
everybody concerned is for you to be the best person you can and be happy. <hr></blockquote><p>This is exactly right, I have learned not to LB and not anger outburts, if I can't handle what she is saying to me, i just tell her that I am sorry she feels that way. Seems the nicer I am to her the naster she is to me. I am doing my best to let go and move on, I thought we could be friends for the children but obviously not now, all I get is hurt. I am better off we no contact. It is sad that this is the person that I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with and had two beautiful children with.
Thanks for the advise,
Dave