Hello,<p>I had an affair. It was stupid and wrong, and I tried to make it right with my H, but it was too late. He'd found someone else. <p>I began divorce proceedings, and then I did something dumber. Before my divorce became final I met someone else going through a divorce.<p>I guess I had another affair, although it didn't seem like it at the time. That's not exactly true. I actually did think there was something not quite right about it, but was too afraid to stop it. I think I've always felt the need for a man in my life. I was afraid to be alone.<p>I love my H, but don't feel that all fluttery feeling I think I should feel after such a short time. The honeymoon is over, literally and in theory. <p>Do I have any hope of finding true love with him, or was it doomed from the start?<p>Please help me build my marriage. I don't want another divorce.

Hi, Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry that you are here. First, read eveything you can on this site starting with the basics. Also suggest reading Surving An Affair asap, you can find it
at the bookstore on this site. You also need to learn everything about Plan A and Plan B, you should probably start with Plan A. You stated another divorse, is this your second marriage? How long were you married, do you have any children?
You will learn that you most likely had a A because your EN(emotional needs) were not being met. That does not justify having an A but is the most likely cause. How long has your H been involved with someone else? There is hope, there are alot of success stories here, not every M can be saved but many marriages do survive an A. Other will give you more adivce, for now read, read, read, don't panic, try not to LB (love bust) with your H. Have you ended all contact with your OM (other man)?
Take care,
Dave

Thank you davepr for the response. I guess I wasn't very good at explaining the situation.<p>I was married and had an affair. It ended and I tried to fix my marriage. But my H found someone else and we divorced.<p>During the divorce I met someone else and I married him. I am confused because it was sort of begun as an affair. At least that's what my Christian friend tells me.<p>I love my H but I don't feel all those fluttery feelings I think I should, since we've only been married a year.<p>I'm hurting, and confused.<p>I have read the site pretty well, and understand that the Plan A is more for when you have a cheating spouse. Neither of us is cheating.

You can still get that fluttery feeling back by meeting each other's emotional needs. <p>You should read His Needs Her Needs By Harley for a full explaination, but the information can also be found on this site. <p>If your husband is game, print out the EN (emotional needs) and LB (Love Buster) questionaires ff this site and have each one of you fill it out. Then you each know what the other needs to do to meet each other's EN's. This technique is supposed to make those in love feelings return and give you an even stronger marriage than before.<p>You can post on the EN board for more tips and suggesition about how to meet each other's ENs.<p>Now if H doesn't want to do this, if you fill out the EN quesitonaire as if you were you H and then fulfillinf his ENs then this is suppsosed to make him want to fulfill your ENs and then you have a great marriage.<p>You may have to do some of the majority of the work on this at first, but soon you H shoul respond.<p>Good Luck. K

Thank you God is in control and I went and posted this on the Emotional need section too. Thank you for the ideas. I will print out the needs and ask my H to fill it out with me.<p>This gives me some hope. I want the butterflies back!

You need to get yourself fixed before you can hope to have a healthy relationship. In reading your posts what came across is a lot of confusion, sadness, guilt etc. This is the type of emotional baggage that will screw up your marriage.

Dear Stupid (that doesn't sound quite right, does it?)<p>That fluttery feeling is called infatuation and by its very definition cannot be sustained for a long time. but, in its place, real, honest love grows...infatuation is kind of like the tadpole beginning...it morphs into a deeper, true love.<p>I recommended Dr. Phil's Relationshiop Rescue as well as the info on this site. It's a good book.

I can't be here long but want to thank you for the replies. I will be back tonight.<p>Thank you for your help.

Hi again,<p>Dear max,
I agree I need to get myself fixed. I just don't know how to do it. I've been in therapy off and on for a few years. It doesn't seem to help. I've prayed to God to heal me. That doesn't help either. <p>And I know that this baggage will screw up my marriage. How do I unpack it?<p>Dear franklymydears, <p>I think that the fluttery feeling CAN be sustained, because I had it the entire time with my ex. <p>I was just stupid (there's my name) and even though I still loved him, I was hurt, and divorced him. It was easier than I thought to find someone new (the internet. I can't believe it!)<p>I like Dr. Phil, but cannot afford any books right now. I'll try the library.<p>Thank you both for your replies.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I just don't know how to do it. I've been in therapy off and on for a few years. It doesn't seem to help. <hr></blockquote><p>OK, you sound depressed if nothing works, however, i suspect that you haven't really put the effort into finding a therapist with whom you work well, and you haven't put a good effort into setting up goals for your life and then creating plans to attain the goals. . .<p>i can interpret your words as "wandering through life without direction."<p>so my suggestion is fix yourself first, and really, really work hard, and then work on your marriage. . . .<p>i don't know if you have kids, or the new person has kids, chances are he does, and you need to be a responsible parent as well, which means being a healthy person as well as to demonstrate healthy behaviors for the kids to emulate.<p>MB won't work unless you are an emotionally healthy participant in life.<p>wiftty<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

When I find the time,<p>So, MB won't work unless I'm healthy? I don't know that I've EVER been healthy. Ouch.<p>I have kids (grown) and so does he, and I do not consider myself his kids "parent" at all. He's the parent, and he's a good one.<p>I do appreciate the reply and it gives me more to think about. <p>Thank you.

Intelligent Lady, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think we kinda got part of the story and went off half-cocked. Please fill us in on some more details.<p>Fluttery feeling for all those years? Amazing! I'm not joking! I never heard of it. You ex must have been something!<p>Now, one of the dear ladies said "You can't have a good marriage until you are healthy"... or something like that. But, you quite resonably protest, I AM married and I AM NOT healthy - What now!? <p>yep... we all are like that. No problem. Just do the best you can.<p>Probably, if you maintained the "fluttery feeling" long enough to have grown children, you are in a state of health far beyond us mere mortals. You were walking on water or on clouds and didn't even know it - and now, you are down with the rest of us trying to crawl over the bumpy and muddy ground in the dark pouring rain.<p>I just wanted to give my opinion that nobody is perfectly "healthy" and that should not be an impediment to going ahead and living. My W, for example, seems to suffer from PTSD. It's not exactly curable. Still, she lives, loves, parents etc.... with a handicap, but she does it. If she had waited to get healthy to get married, she would have died first. But I like her, feel sorry for her suffering, but still I like her even as she is, and I can't imagine her living her life alone just because of some rule that says she has to be healthy by somebody's standard before she can be married. God help her, she was born in a war, witnessed a massacre, orphaned, lived in an orphanage, adopted, abused, shipped overseas to study and ended up (worse of all, apparently) married to ME. Of course, she can't be healthy. But she can be sweet, charming, playful, beautiful, caring, facinating - and also, anxious, raging, angry, demanding, unreasonable, etc. And still, she lives - and I love her all the same - or, strangely, more for her imperfections.<p>The phone is ringing. Its her.<p>Baby won't sleep.<p>Gotta go.<p>-AD