My H and I have just decided to divorce. I don't want it but he has left me no other option.<p>Aside from the fact that our marriage sucks, we get along perfectly. My H never allowed himself to get close to me and has been detached from me most of our 1 1/2 year marriag (with a 6 month seperation). We've been back together for 4 months now and now i'm leaving again.<p>He has huge issues with intimacy and when things get rough he stars to bail. He thinks it's best for us to go our seperate ways, especially for me. We both know he is killing me and it makes him sick to do so. But the thing is that although he sees what he is doing, hates it, he does nothing to stop it. No amount of counseling will ever get him to change, he says. He is beyond all hope and is destined to be miserable. He doesn't want to make me miserable too.<p>He has a history of depression but has never sought help. The source (he says) of his depression right now is our marriage. When we were not together, he basically is a loner and keeps to himself. He doesn't enjoy life but thinks that therapy is too long of a process.<p>He doesn't even understand the point when he know it won't make him want to kiss me or be affectionate with me. He knows it can't make him be "in love" with me although he does love. He says its more like a sister though. Sex is just not fun with me because he is uncomfortable. <p>He says we can stay in the marriage for appearances, but he would spend most nights in the guest room. Othe than that we get along great.<p>I have no idea what to do. He wants to file tomorrow. He is not open to marriage counseling nor to MB. He says he would love to tell me that he is willing to work for it but the truth is he is not. <p>This is crazy. It's all happening too fast and I don't know what to do. We are thousands of miles from family and have no real friends to speak of here.<p>He wants me to take everything in the apartment so he doesn't have to worry about anything. He failed out of school because he wsa so miserable at home. <p>Help, i'm really desperate. I love my H and want to stay married. But how can I if he has detached himself to the point of no return?<p>Very scared and lonely
Kathy

I'm so sorry fishlady. I don't know what to say, but I wanted to let you know I'm here. I read your post. Post some more if you want to talk about it.<p>You said you are leaving. why? Do you want to be married? Isn't "leaving" giving the message that you aren't willing to love him and work through the issues?<p>You also said you both decided to divorce. But then you said you don't want it. If you DON'T, then don't agree to it.<p>Help me - what am I missing?

Welcome fishlady...<p>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<p>About your post...<p>Your H must be in a very deep depression...
...if he won't go for counseling... YOU must start on it now...<p>In conjunction with counseling...
...perhaps some anti-depressant medication may help you.<p>For yourself... do start on a Plan A...
Check out the post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).<p>Much prayer and good thoughts!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim / NSR

Dear FishLady,<p>Welcome to MB. While it's obvious what this forum is about and you want your marriage, your post screams depression.<p>Pulling your words from this post: <p>- Emotional Detachment
- Hates what he is doing, no way to stop it
- Beyond hope, miserable, does not enjoy life
- History of depression
- Take all posessions, he does not care
- Failed schooling<p>It is most difficult, almost impossible to force a depressed person to get help. When they do get some help they find any fix is far from instant, which may explain his avoidance of therapy. The only way I know to force help is to wait until they are in bed and just can't get up, or you can force hospitalization if they are a danger to themselves or others. Wanting you and all material things out of his life may be a clue as to his future plan, if you get my drift.<p>Depressed people are very selfish and self-centered. They can't help that and there is nothing you can do about it or make them see otherwise. This is where you need to be strong and keep in mind your H is sick, just like if he had cancer. <p>For today let him know he is loved - that's all. Don't try to change his screwed up thinking. Do some research on depression and put all your effort there. You don't want a divorce, so don't even go there with him - that's his depression talking.<p>There must have been some point when you met and married that his depression was lifted. Remember that guy and fight to get him back. <p>Do all you can to get him help as soon as possible. Be strong, you are going to have to carry everything with no return for a while.<p>Some one very close to me suffers depression like this and until you educate yourself it will all seem as you said, "crazy".<p>Regards,
IS

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful words.<p>I found MB last summer while we were seperated and found it to be a great comfort. I'm glad to be able to come here and talk to others who've been through similar things.<p>My H and I both know he is in a deep depression. He blames that on our marriage. He blames him failing out of school on our marriage. I used to think that was a cop-out, but now i'm not so sure. I don't even know what's right anymore.<p>He told me yesterday that he wants to do whatever hurts me least. Seeing him get help will hurt me least but he won't do it.<p>I've done a lot of research on depression last year and went through this with him then too. His immediate family only says to go to a Dr. and get some meds. His friends have no idea that he is depressed, he has become an expert at hiding it.<p>What if it really is the marriage? How do I know?
What if he was never meant to be married?<p>He married me in the first place because he loved me, or so he thought. However, we barely knew each other. We should have dated longer, and according to him, we then never would have married due to his inability to stay in a relationship.<p>I have to go now or i'll be late for work. Thanks for listening.
Kathy

Hi all,<p>It's been a week since I posted last and although I wish I had some happy story to share, the truth is I don't.<p>Things are still the same with my H and I. He is still leaning towards a divorce saying that he can't go on in a marriage like this. He actually told me that if he stayed, he'd be dead within five years. That killed me. To hear those words come out of my just broke me. That's the only way to describe it. <p>We fought about it and it was a pretty emotional scene with some LB's. He was trying to get me to see how he feels and explained it by saying he has a "psychosis". It causes him to sabatoge every relationship he has ever had without a legitimate reason. The feeling becomes so strong it overwhelms him and he usually leaves. However with me, his bond is stronger because we are married. But he tries to get me to leave by not showing me any affection and basically being just a bump in a chair (his words). It's not because he thinks i'm unattractive, it's just his passive way to escape his misery.<p>When I asked him about counseling, he says he won't go because if he did get help and get better, then he wouldn't have his "psychosis" anymore. ???.<p>I said to him that if he got help and felt better, we could actually have a pretty happy life. He said yeah, but then he wouldn't have his problem. <p>I don't get it. It an excuse to avoid his real self. Is he so worried of what he'd find? Isn't living a life a misery much worse? Does he not realize that I would still love him?<p>He doesn't believe that he could fall in love with me again. I've tried to introduce MB concepts but he doesn't believe in that either. All psycho-mumbo-jumbo.<p>How do I get through to him? I can't keep hearing the same things every weekend, it's just breaking my heart. <p>After all this yesterday, he calls back and leaves a message on my phone telling me how sorry he was and just felt awful. He told me that perhaps there is something we can do and for me not to do anything drastic. We never talked about it yet, just that he shook his head this morning and said that he really made a mess of things. All I said was that I didn't know how to fix things.<p>The truth is, I know that therapy would help, as well as anti-depressants. I believe in the MB concepts and know that they work. What can I do at this point with someone who is so resistant.<p>Any ideas??<p>Kathy