On 1/12/02, my W of 18 years informed me she loves me, I&#8217;m her best friend but she&#8217;s not in love with me any longer. Later that day she admitted she has strong feelings for someone at work (we all work at the same company) and had become very good friends with this individual. I&#8217;m 40, my wife is 37 and we dated since she was 15 until marrying when she was 19 We have two children, ages 13 and 9, and I thought we had the happiest, most content marriage any two people could have, so this revelation was quite a shock.<p>She moved out on 2/2/02 and has been with the OM constantly since that point. She filed for DV the end of March and it could be final on 7/25. We have 50% custody of the kids. I spoke with Steve Harley last Friday but after today, I don't see any hope of her changing her mind, no matter what I do.<p>She informed me she wants her name off of the house and that she wants her money because she's planning on building a house with the OM. Can you believe she'd do that after only dating him for 3 months (although they have been talking with each other for almost a year). I told her I need some time to make decisions and I will probably be delaying the divorce until at least November. She went berserk and said I have no backbone and am afraid to divorce her because of my selfish need to keep her in my life. She said things I can't believe she'd say about me and then said she was calling her lawyer. She told the kids a couple weeks ago that her and the OM are in love and are going to spend the rest of their lives together.<p>I just don't see any way this can work when she seems so sure about everything and is willing to begin building a $250,000 plus home with the OM. Has anyone seen anyone move so quickly with everything? Do you see any reason for me to try to make this work or should I just move on and forget about her? Thanks.

djw,
My situation went pretty quickly too. See my profile. While I was unable to save my marriage, each case is a little different. Building a house is really stressful and that can work in your favor. SHe will soon learn than the om isn't "perfect" as he seems now.<p> If you want to save your marriage you need to read and follow the info in the forum.<p>Someone will be along with some links to follow.<p>Hang In !

I know it is had, Your problem is almost like mine. She doesn't know what the other side is like, she has only been with you. Move on and let her find out what it is like, I will almost bet that she will not be married or with this man long. Frrom what my counselor tells me, this is a rampant problem wher the woman marries early and has never seen what the other side is like. It will be hell, but things will get better.

DJW - you have to take your time about big decisions like "taking her name off the house" (what does that mean, anyway?), and letting her take "her money". Don't split any assets until you get some advice and make sure that's what you want. Property settlements can't be undone. You can bet that she and OM have carefully crafted any proposals or suggestions they make, and they will not be in your best interest.<p>Now the question of whether to move on, or try to work things out, is completely separate from the business and financial questions. It sounds like she expects everything to go her way ("the fog"). Some time and some encounters with reality might cure that. If you want to stay married, at least give it until July. In the meantime stick with your plan A or plan B; you should be doing one or the other of those.<p>- Tom

DJW, sorry you are here but you have come to the right place for help. Your WS is clearly not thinking clearly, they call if the Fog around here. There is certainly hope, especially since this is so early into the A. Right now you need to learn everything you can about the situation and what was wrong in your marriage. Please read all the basics on this forum, Surviving and Affair, and His Needs/Her Needs. You can get both books here the bookstore. You will need to learn everything about Plan A and Plan B. You will probably be starting off with Plan A. Most A, do not last, something like 95% fail within 6 months to 2 years after being discovered. For the 5% that lead into marriage, 80% will end in divorce, so the odds are againist her. Your success will depend on many factors but you need to learn everything you can, start to work on the things that you can control like yourself and put together a plan. Also suggest that you have a councling session with the Harleys as soon as possible, What you do in the early stages will set the direction for the rest of this journey.
Good luck, others will give you more advice.
Take care,
Dave

DJW &#8211; your W is moving fast. She is probably headed for a train wreck &#8211; her A will most likely end, while you are still M or unfortunately after a D. Sounds like she is having a &#8220;romantic&#8221; affair and can only see what is right in front of her. She is making decisions based on the emotions of the A, not logical, rational or well thought out decisions. I&#8217;ve heard the &#8220;rest of our lives together&#8221; line also. My WW still has her head in the clouds after an A of 16 months. She is rewriting the past, justifying her actions and living a denial dream (my fav - "It isn't really an A since I told you immediately"). She now is proceeding toward filing for a D, and I feel we haven&#8217;t given reconciliation a real try or made any serious effort to do counseling while she was outside of the A. My WW has only briefly come out of the clouds &#8211; and she didn&#8217;t like what she saw in herself &#8211; so she went back to the A. Says she still loves me though! (?) <p>Hang in there DJW, be strong - for yourself and your kids. Take care of your own EN. Don&#8217;t get sucked into giving her what she may still emotionally want or need from you and don&#8217;t try to explain or understand her actions. I&#8217;ll be thinking of you > Karl<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: Karl in MN ]</p>

Thanks for the responses. She left me a voice mail this morning where she said I'm hurting the kids if I try to delay the divorce. She wants to build the house soon and by delaying the divorce, I'm forcing the kids to stay in an apartment when they are with her. She said she's only thinking of the kids. <p>I called her back and we had a fairly nice conversation for the most part and talked mostly about the financial issues of the DV. Something funny is she said she's never loved me at all and then 5 minutes later she said it's only been teh last couple years she felt this way. I guess that's the "fog" talking.<p>Last night the OM went with her to a dance rehearsal for my daughter's recital this weekend. It was her first exposure with the OM in a public place in our town and in front of friends and neighbors. She feels vindicated I think when people accept the fact she is with the OM.<p>She explained to me today there is no way she will change her mind about me and that it is over and she is going to spend the rest of her life with the OM. She just doesn't feel anything for me at all when she sees me and that won't change she said. I realize there is still hope, even after the DV things could still change, however, I don't see a lot of chance in it since she's so adamant in her position. Thanks again for the support.

djw:<p>She's definitely lost in the fog. Getting validation from her friends by being with OM while M'd to you??? Geez!<p>What's important, though, is working on YOU. You'll be okay, no matter what happens. Her loss. You sound like a nice, caring person!

djw &#8211; I think my WS may be a blood relative of your spouse! My WS also looks for validation from family and friends. WS family and in-laws picked up on this early in the A. After WS attended OM&#8217;s kids hockey and soccer games, WS believes the OM&#8217;s kids &#8220;may just turn out to like her in the end&#8221; and OM&#8217;s &#8220;oldest daughter asks questions about me <WS>.&#8221; Unfortunately, the kids are now crashing since the OM&#8217;s marriage ended in D. There is so much illogical justification in her thinking. <p>Honestly, I don&#8217;t have many friends who have gone through a D, but a very good friend of mine did holdout hope for a few years after the D that they would get back together. They saw each other a few times a week &#8211; it eventually just wore him down and hurt him so much to see her self destructive ways continue &#8211; from one relationship to the next. <p>Still lots of fog here in Minnesota. I completely understand how you may hold out hope, but don&#8217;t set yourself up be emotional burned time and time again. It is OK to protect yourself and you can&#8217;t make her change decisions <as wrong as they may be> she is so willing to make. You can&#8217;t make her love you if she won&#8217;t. Take care. > Karl

I love you but i am not in love with you.
I never loved you.
I haven't loved you in x years.
You made me do this.
This will not impact the kids.
blah, blah, blah<p>It is all fog talk...
Don't believe any of it!<p>Dave

"This has nothing to do with us"
"I'm not doing ANYTHING to you"
"We can always get married again ..."<p>-Moose Brain Worms-<p>djw,<p>Hang on and stay strong for yourself and the kids. <p>Many prayers,
Jo<p>[ May 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

davepr:<p>Then there's my own personal favorites:<p>"I can't say I don't love you." <p>And yet, she can't say she DOES love me, either!<p>"The not unblack dog chased the not unwhite rabbit across the not ungreen field." -George Orwell.

Something I posted in a different area that's kind of funny (if anything can be funny in this) is that a month ago she came over to my house to do some things and ended up in tears. I asked what was wrong and she wouldn&#8217;t tell me but eventually said didn&#8217;t want to tell me because she didn&#8217;t want to give me hope. She then went on to say her life has been pure hell and she can&#8217;t sleep at night and cries frequently. She said she knows she needs to get the OM out of her life and needs to find her independence. She said that doesn&#8217;t mean I want to come back to you but I&#8217;m confused and don&#8217;t know if I want a divorce or what I want.<p>Our children heard her say these things but the next week she denied having said she wants the OM out of her life or that she&#8217;s not sure whether or not she wants to divorce me. She said she knew she wants a divorce and doesn&#8217;t want the OM out of her life. She told me that week was a difficult week for her and that I didn&#8217;t know what was going on in her life at that time.<p>A few days later is when I found out they planned on building a house together. The next weekend (one week after telling me how confused she was), my daughter said my W was upset with the OM and said he lied to her and she didn&#8217;t know that he could ever regain her trust. The next evening everything was back to normal with them. And I wonder why I get confused [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

djw:<p>No kidding! It's absolutely amazing how many times my W has said things that, if I wasn't in such bad shape at the time, would have me laughing so hard I swear I'd die!<p>So I just say "Take me now, Lord! (and I'm an atheist!)"

2long,<p>Have you ever given thought that posting here is going drive you religion? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] That is if it doesn't drive you around the bend first? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JL

JL:<p>Teehee! I'll take that as a compliment!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

That is another great one:
" i don't want to give you hope"<p>DJW, she is deep, deep into the fog, her actions show how confused she is, try not to take to heart everything you hear from her, right now you are probably only going to see the most negative things from her, she has to justify her actions to you.
Hang in there,
Dave

davepr:<p>"That is another great one:
" i don't want to give you hope""<p>All the more hilarious when you consider what the follow-on, implication is of that statement:<p>"I don't want to give you hope. ...but here it is, anyway!" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Maybe it's the Great Spirit's (sorry JL) way of giving us a little humor to contemplate in a horrible situation?

2Long, if we were not all in the fog around here (just kidding) (WS Fog and BS Fog) (I acutally think the BS can be in the Fog too because if I was thinking clearly I would never of tolerated so much abuse from her) some of this would be really funny.<p>My ends like this...<p>I don't want to give you hope.... but I may come back after I figure this out..<p>Interperation: let me see how this A goes and if it doesn't work out and I can't find anyone else I might reconsider, please wait around for me while I figure my life out and hurt you every step of the way.

davepr:<p>Yes, it would be funny. I've said this before elsewhere, but my W actually said to me:<p>W: "I thought about DV you 11 years ago, but I decided that, if I did, you wouldn't finish your PhD, and I thought that was important." ( -this regarding her choice to have an A instead of getting a DV!). "This was better, don't you think." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>Me (inwardly): <She was doing ME a FAVOR by having the A!!!!><p>Like, what the F*** was I supposed to say to THAT!!!!!!?????<p>I can't wait until sometime, post-fog, to "discuss" some of these nonsensical statements with her!