GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:<BR> <BR> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.<BR> 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.<BR> <BR> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. <BR> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. <BR> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.<BR> 6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. <BR> 7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.<BR> 8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac. <BR> 9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.<BR> 10) School lunches stick to the wall.<BR> 11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. <BR> 12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.<BR> 13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.<BR> <BR> THE FOUR STAGE OF LIFE:<BR> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.<BR> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. <BR> 3) You are Santa Claus.<BR> 4) You look like Santa Claus.<BR> <BR> <BR> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:<BR> <BR> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.<BR> 2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.<BR> 3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.<BR> 4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. <BR> 5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.<BR> 6) Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts.<BR> 7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. <BR> 8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.<BR> 9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.<BR> 10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. <BR> 11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.<BR> <BR> <BR> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:<BR> <BR> 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. <BR> 2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.<BR> 3) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. <BR> 4) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.<BR> 5) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.<BR> 6) Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.<BR> 7) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.<BR> 8) Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.<BR> 9) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.<BR> 10) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.<BR> 11) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.<BR> 12) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. <BR> 13) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. <BR> 14) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.<BR> 15) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. <BR> 16) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.<BR> 17) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. <BR> 18) Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.<BR> 19) It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.<BR> 20) Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.<BR> 21) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.<P>