I know that this has been discussed in the past, and I think there have even been a few treads on the subject in the past. When I read, and even responded to some of these previous threads, I did not have the insight I possess today. So, I am going to start it again.<p>How many of you have considered suicide as a result of how your life has turned out?<p>I must admit that this is something that I have thought a lot about in the recent past, and being on anti-depressants hasn't really helped any.<p>So, how many have considered suicide. WHy did you consider it, and what made you change your mind?

LS
I'm picking up a 2x4 and I'm going to hit you in the back of the head with it as many times as it takes to get that thought out of your head..whack!<p>Suicide has never crossed my mind. I have to much I want to do in life. I want to watch my kids grow old and have children of their own. I want to watch a sunset in Maui. I want to go fishing in New Zealand. Sure some of my things are dreams, but dreams are what keeps me going. Can't do anything six feet under. <p>Sunrays and Saturdays,
Craig

I've never thought of it. But if you're on Anti-depressants and you still feel this way - Talk to your doctor. You may need to increase or change medications. Do It Now! Take Care of yourself.

I thought of it, even put a loaded gun to my head, I spent 3 days locked up, wan't too much fun.<p>So, why did I consider it - at that moment in time I did not see what I had left to live for, I had lost my beautiful wife to some loser, she was moving out, I just felt I had nothing left, I didn't want to live without her. ( I clearly wasn't thinking straight)<p>Why didn't I do and and why have I never considered it again? Well, alot of it is faith and hope AND my children. First, I could never do that to them, they are the joy of my life, I love them so much I could never leave them. Faith and Hope -
although at times the pain is so intense it seems unbearable, I know that in time it gets easier and I am confident that someday I will either be back with my stbxw (not holding alot of hope there) or I will find someone new that will love me and my children and treat me the way that I deserve to be treated, in the mean time I will become the best person that I can and be happy with my children.
I have faith and hope that life will get better and I will be very happy again some day, I will recover from this, learn from it, and be a better person. Suicide is NOT and option, if you are considering it, please, please get help. Sometime in the near future, all of this pain will be in the past and you will be happy again, believe in that and in God.
Take care,
Dave

I'll agree with Newly and say that if you're on anti-d's and still feeling this way, they're not working and you need to try something better. <p>In direct answer to your question, I'll admit to having thoughts. Went so far as to make plans, I was that low. Why? Everyone's situation is differrent of course so my why will not equal your why. All of the usual reasons, I suppose. being forced to deal with this situation which I never wanted, never chose to deal with. Because my H's betrayal is worse than my fathers betrayal -- he tried (nearly succeeded) molesting me when I was a child. Difference is, as an adult I CHOSE my husband. As a child, I did not choose my parents. <p>I walked myself into this marriage, eyes wide open, naive and hopeful and in love. A true Romantic. And what a dramatic ending to a romance saga that would have been. Absolved of responsibility, the pain overwith once and for all, never to be felt again. <p>BUT... that pain would simply have been transfered and multiplied to my children, my brothers, my dear friends... WH might grieve, maybe feel a tinge of guilt (but I doubt that since he seemed to feel no guilt or responsibility towards me and my feelings while we were together) and then marry again someday while I rotted, underground. How flippin' melodramatic and pointless is THAT? <p>Nope... went through the day. And then another and another and another. Days multiplied into weeks and one day while I was at work I noticed that I was happy. And that I had been happy for... hmmm, I didn't even notice WHEN. Happiness just slipped back into my life while I wasn't paying attention. The sun was out (RARE for February in Seattle) the world was full of color and my kids were happy. Life wasn't perfect, still had all of the same problems, BUT how grateful I was that I was still here to deal with them. <p>Guess I let myself change my mind. Maybe I've learned that the "romance" in life is happiness we allow ourselves, not morbid longing for someone who really doesn't care about us, more about just "posessing" us, who also had skewered notions about what it meant to "love" in the first place. <p>Lastly, something I read in my journal every single day. My Aha Moment. I had been looking for someone to love me enough to never hurt me. The truth is, I need to love myself enough to never allow anyone to hurt me again. <p>Snow

Snow, how eloquently put [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Yes, I have had thoughts of suicide..even had many ways thought out to make it look accidental..so that my children would have been provided for financially..when I thought this way as a child I'd even written out my will..left my dog everything..she was the only one I felt deserved anything from me..I like Snow was molested by my father..and I felt it would be better to end my own pain than to continue the way it was..what stopped me then?? was knowing that ONE day I would be old enough to leave..and life would get better..<p>As an adult..I married a man equally abusive in actions and words..and again I felt trapped..I felt, I had to stay married because it was a choice I made..and I had to live with that..it was my punishment for the choice to marry this men..and ignoring all the red flags that said RUN FOR THE HILLS!! what stopped me..the love for my
children..Who would protect my children if I wasn't there?? Who would love them and teach them how valuable they are as people?? yes, their dad could remarry..and they would have a step mom..
but she couldn't replace me in my childrens lives..and I knew that I would just be running from the problem and not facing it..and I realized the pain I felt inside..showed I still had life in me..I could feel something..even if it hurt..and that pain helped me fight..I just had to figure out how to stop the pain..what did I need to do
for me to make it go away?? How could I care for
myself?? And I took those steps..

Hi, sorry you are feeling so low as to ask that question. I know the black hole well, attempted it 6-8 times,and as you see failed!
I prepared everything so my kids would know what to do afterwards,even planned my service.(after having found out as to wether I could have a proper funeral)
I am still here becos of my 3 grown up kids, whose pain when they found me:and anger that I could leave them after Dad had walked out of their lives,was more than I could bare.
The skill and dedication of medical staff.
My shame and guilt that I had made work for them,
Admission to a pychiatric hospital-I can still taste the fear that I would be locked away forever.
The kindness and humour of said inmates.(who mostly had mental health disorders) but others like me who just felt worthless and unable to cope
AND the thought that said OP would be so happy and be able to justify the dispicable destruction she had brought to my family.
Nearly 14mths after my last attempt I still get really low and can rationise why everyone would be better off without me BUT I remember my daughter sobbing on the phone just after her Boses mother had died from cancer and she said "how do you think it feels to wonder if I'll still have a mum by the end of the year"
I dread becoming a burden to them. My GP said you never recovery from the pain a suicide causes-always wondering..If or maybe,,
So I go on it does get better, it does get worse BUT never quite to the bottom of that black hole again. I write poetry, I walk the legs of my dog, I sit in the Cathedral and I just do the best I can.
Hang in there,don,t shut people out(thats what I did-too proud to reach out)
People can,t feel or even see our pain unless we let them in.
N.xx

I have posted about this topic several times, most recently on this thread.<p>I was brainwashed, mentally and emotionally abused, to the extent that I believed myself a danger to my children. That's how I justified leaving them behind.<p>By the grace of God, my attempt was a complete failure to harm myself but a complete success in finally finding people that could convince me that I was being brainwashed!! I also had the three-day lockup.<p>My XH claimed that I'd never get custody of the kids after that, and used THAT to control me.<p>My anti-depressants weren't working, and I'd stopped taking them. I did not go back on another kind because my XH had claimed that because of them, I'd never get custody of the kids. <p>Oh, I was told and believed a lot of things that weren't true.<p>I believe 100% that I've been forgiven for what I tried to do, and that He used it to help me rather than punish me. It was a hard first step! Every time a woman tries to leave an abusive man, it's a hard first step. Mine was different in many ways from most who stand one stride away from that first step and teeter there... but it worked.<p>Life is very, very good for me now. I am so blessed, in so many ways. See my thread on this board addressed to DanaB if you want more. I've come fully out of that cave, and learning how to stomp on the ugly gray hands that reach out and try to grab me by the ankle and trip me up and drag me back into the darkness.<p>You can do it. There are a lot of different anti-depressants, don't give up on them, they all work differently for one person than another. Find what works, and come out of the darkness. It's nice out here!! ;}

I have considered it when I found out my WH was having an affair. Then I considered it 5 months later when I found out it was a physical affair and my WH and I had sex during the time of discovery of affair, and then when he told me 5 months later he had sex with her.<p>I have considered it now because I filed for divorce, and WH has filed for divorce. <p>I feel like a loser, no other comment.

When I was married to my x, I sat in the car in the garage one day, crying, with my kids banging on the windows asking me to please come out. I was wondering where the garden hose was and where to hook it to the exhaust. It scared the sh*t out of my kids. That was pretty much the darkest day of my life. The closest I ever came. I didn&#8217;t realize that I was depressed and needed medication. <p>Why didn&#8217;t I find the hose? Because my mother died when I was ten and it was really hard growing up without her. I didn&#8217;t want that for my kids&#8230;that was the only thing that stopped me. I really felt that the sadness in me would never go away or get any better. But I had to stay alive to take care of my kids.<p>I went to the local mental hospital and asked for help. I went thru some intensive therapy and was put on anti-depressants and I have never again seriously considered suicide. Even through 5 more years of marriage to the same crummy x, a divorce, remarriage that has been rocky at times, thru my h leaving me for someone else 18 months ago, thru the shame and misery of my a, thru it all. Of course, every day older I get, I&#8217;m that much more grateful to wake up the next morning now! At my age, who knows how many more I got coming??

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. It has crossed my mind, but never in a serious way. I think these few thoughts were driven by an &#8220;I&#8217;ll show you&#8221; mentality directed at my wife, i.e., my own feelings of powerlessness in correcting what lead to our separation or the inability to stop her affair. Your note gave me chills and a lump in my throat. Please do find the necessary counseling and support that you deserve. Hang in there &#8211; we&#8217;ll be thinking of you. > Karl

Thanks for the replies you have given. I guess I should probably answer my own questions, shouldn't I.<p>I have always viewed suicide as the cowards way out. However in the past few months I have thought an awful lot about suicide.<p>I never thought there was a strong enough reason to give your life for. The last few months have changed my thinking a lot. I have considered suicide several times recently. I even went so far as to make very serious plans...<p>You see I spent several hours, a very short time ago, driving down the highways, trying to determine the proper timing for pulling in front of an oncoming semi.<p>Tonight is another night when I am giving the subject a lot of thought.<p>I never knew that I could experience the type of pain I am and still survive it. I don't know how much longer I can handle it sometimes.<p>What did I do to deserve being in this position...<p>I am a middle aged man who is totally alone. The one person in the world who says that they love me won't allow me to be with them. I just can't seem to do anything worth a damn anyway.

I've definately given it some thought. �The main reason that I've not followed through is my son, there's NO WAY that I could leave him like that. �He's teaching me about unconditional love, just thinking about him gets me choked up.<p>It's kind of strange, I'll watcha a movie or television show where someone has a fatal illness and is dealing with their life beforehand (ER this week for instance) and I find myself almost envying them for passing withtout the shame associated with suicide. �I know that it's simply a pity party on my part but there you have it. �I haven't seriously considered it in a while.<p>Tough to be honest about these thoughts even here. �If you find yourself really down and need someone to talk to please feel free to email me. �Sometimes talking to someone is enough distraction to get you through the bad times.

suicide : Well that was never an option, life is just to beautiful to even think of leaving. I never want to end this trip I'm on. I have a great life even with a WW - sbxw. Great kids and a wonderful family. Sure I would of liked it to turn out better. No one wants to deal with betrayal but thats life and you need to turn it around to your advantage atleast for the sake of your children. I know that life is wonderful and everything certainly comes to pass. So get yourself ready for better days and start now, take each day as it comes. But realize that you were given a gift from god.... "Life". With all its up's and down's nothing can come close or compare to the wonders of it all, nothing.

I have only one thing to add, LS (gotta get that name changed):<p>In my opinion, suicide is NOT cowardly. It is the result, very often, of being too hurt, too weak, too depressed, to make a decision to live. <p>Happy people do not commit suicide. Very, VERY, VERY unhappy people take their lives, because they have nowhere else to turn, and feel hopeless.<p>I say this not to give you an excuse, but to tell you, as I have many times, that you are ALLOWED to feel like $hit about how your life is going, but while you're strong enough to post here, use that strength to make a solid, good decision to STICK AROUND on the planet, okay?

LS, yes, sometime L does S, but those are the time that you have to have faith, faith that it will get better. Sometimes I think that I love my WS more than life itself, it hurts so bad, I miss her so much but I know that either way it will get better in time, hang in there, have faith and hope, I know how it hurts, this is the hardest thing I have done in my life but I will come out on top, there is no other choice. I know your pain, sometimes it is unbearable, you are not along, hang in there, time will make it better.
When you are lonely and depressed try to float through the pain and know that someday all of this will be history and you will be happy again, I know it is difficult to see some times but it will happen in time. Hang in there, it is going to get better, trust me.
Take care Yourself,,
Dave

If you want to talk, feel free to email me at **edit**.I know from where you are coming.
Jd

My answer is yes I have thought about it but that is as far as it went. I just feel soooo much guilt of what I did to my wife and kids. They were the one thing I looked forward to everyday and I threw it away. The thing that stopped me from going further is the fact that I do love my family sooo much that I prayed to God that he would somehow fix my marriage and the thought stopped right there. I don't think this is considered suicide but recently while driving down the road and just crying out to God about some things about my wife I asked him just to let me die somehow. I am sooo thankful he didn't listen. I showed little faith that nite that he would fix my marriage and he told me that nite that he would make everything o.k. if I just trusted him. Deep depression puts lots of weird thoughts in our minds. <p> Just keep our eyes on God and trust him and we will make it.<p> Love in Christ<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

Life Sucks:<p>I want you to stop what ever it is that you are doing and get some help NOW...not 5 minutes from now, NOW, PLEASE!!!!!<p>Your local hospital's emergency room is as good a place as any to start!<p>Also, here is a link; http://suicidehotlines.com/ <p>Call your own family doctor, call the police, go to the Emergency Room for God's sake and yours, PLEASE.<p>There are counselors who work on sliding fee, if money is a problem.<p>I have seen more than one post on this thread where the poster said that he/she was in the hospital for the 3 day eval period...THIS IS NOT A BAD IDEA!<p>PLEASE do not let us feel the pain of knowing that a person on this board, whom we 'know' now a little bit, has done this terrible thing.<p>PLEASE, NOW?!!!<p>vb_guy

Suicide is a very selfish act. I have been on the surviving end of suicides and know one knows what devastation they leave behind. I too, have hurt so badly that I wanted to cease to exist, which is ,I guess a suicidal thought. I could never do that to anyone I love. I have a question, do most people consider suicide to escape pain or to punish the one who caused the pain?
I have 4 children and know that they have all considered it in times of great pain.