My ex and I are contemplating reconciliation....well at least I look at it that way. She thinks we would need to start completely over.....I have been divorced 7 months.......on paper........but still emotionally connected to her..........<p>I am not sure we can ever work it out.......as she wants to continue dating...me and others and see what happens........The thought of her with others cripples me......so wondering how long we will still try.......<p>Anyone else out there in a similar boat?

Thinker
The reasons for my recovery
1) Prayer - gotta give God glory!!!
2) Husband was willing! (God is in control but he doesn't force anyone to do anything - he gives us free will and freedom to choose)
3) Tough Love - I am willing to let him go. H has choices and the door is always open. Because I NOW believe Divorce is an option it enables me to set appropriate boundaries in my marriage. My success in life has nothing to do with marriage/divorce.<p>Do you actually trust this person?
A little more today than I did yesterday
I will never trust him like I did before (but that was my naivity and lack of maturity) the ONLY person I trust completely is Jesus Christ.<p>Do you actually have the willpower to converse with this person everything you feel like you did before?
We are in process. I share a little and see how he handles it - if he handles it well I share more. I share more today than I did yesterday.<p>For the BS do you feel rejected by the spouse still, or can't get the betrayal out of your head, or just letting it sit in the back of your brain, or have actually forgiven the WS?<p>No rejection - the A had to do with him and his shortcoming NOT me.
I will never forget the betrayal - knowing it helps me be wise in gaging where our marriage is now - it will never be the same as it was - but right now it is better than I couldve ever imagined!
To me forgiveness is a process, it is a verb, an action - I choose to forgive him when the thoughts enter my head. Forgiveness was my goal even when going through the divorce process. <p>We don't talk about the A much but we are not afraid to talk about it. <p>I think that answers your questions too Thinker.

I have so many questions about this topic!! I posted some time ago regarding this matter in how it applies to me.<p>My XH put me through a very tough time, but it was a small portion of our total relationship. During the "hell" I kept thinking "who is this man, and he will wake up". <p>Now, some time has passed and in my newfound sanity I am looking at everything so differently. Time eases the pain, thank God for that, but am I letting him off the hook? Is that what I must do, put it in the past and look toward the future with him? If I feel that I can trust again and he is done with that part of his life, should we reconcile?<p>Sometimes anger comes over me and I don't lash out at him, but I do share my thoughts and wonder how he could have been so cruel. I don't want to throw it in his face for the rest of our lives. Do you all think that it can be put in the past and kept there????????<p>
HHHHMMMMMMMMMMM [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thinker, I read a little bit of your post. From your post SNL is not willing to reconcile. Right now reconciling should be the furthest thing from your mind. It not healthy to think that way. Right now you should be grieving the death of your marriage and seeking out a happy life without him. Remarriage is ONLY a consideration if both people are willing but even then it is NOT a requirement. <p>REJECTED,
NO you do NOT let him off the hook. You do NOT put it in the past and look toward the future.
NO just because you "feel" you can trust him does NOT mean you should reconcile NOR does it mean that he is trustworthy. <p>I'm glad the anger still overcomes you because it needs to be dealt with. IF you are both accepting responsiblity and forgiving you should be able to talk about it without any defensiveness. <p>NO do not put it in the passed and keep it there! <p>Whew, I feel better now that I got that off my chest. All your questions and statements remind me of how we were when we remarried in 1997 (see my signature line). NOTHING was resolved - see the grief we went through. We have been in weekly counseling since September and have JUST NOW graduated to counseling every other week. It was a LOT of hard work and pain. It is possible so you can be encouraged and have hope BUT the issues that got you where you are MUST be dealt with AND resolved in order for it to be successful.

Thank you I luvnprotect me!
Your advice doesn't fall on deaf ears!<p>I am proud of myself for listening to myself and not running back when it felt like such an "easy" thing to do. I know it will take alot of work and effort.<p>What makes me angry is when my XH tells me to put it all in the past! I let him read the journal that I kept during the "hell" , just to give him a glimpse of the torture. He needs to realize that it will take time, if it is to work.<p>Thanks and any more input would be greatly appreciated!
Petrie

I usually just lurk here but this topic really hits home.<p>I broke up with a boyfriend to date my ex and we are living together (as roomates to save money). We are testing the waters again. We believe that we acted too quickly in getting the divorce that if we had just talked more we may have overcome the hurdle. <p>Would I consider remarriage? Some days. <p>I think we still need to work on some things before we can even seriously consider remarriage. I want to make sure that we both don't lapse into old habits.

REJECTED,
the fact that he wants to put it in the past is a warning flag going up. It is a part of who you are and is a part of your marriage. Me and H don't talk about it nearly as often as we use to. And H still won't tell me all details but I am not even sure I want to know! He has shared some details and they just serve as more triggers. For instance, he shared that him and OW use to watch baseball together. NOW whenever he watches baseball, it is a trigger! and I don't guess I have healed enough to sit down and watch it with him!<p>Another trigger is my H use to spend a lot of time on the computer - chatting with OW. Of course back then, in my naivity I just thought he was on the computer. Well a couple of weeks ago my H told me in advance, I just want you to know I am going to use the computer tonight and I am going to download some songs to CD. I thanked him for his honesty and for him using care with our marriage and considering it may be a trigger - so he told me BEFORE the trigger even happened. That meant a LOT! <p>Then recently he was downloading more songs but this time he didn't tell me. I sent him an email saying that it was a trigger and I felt insecure that he was on the computer. I also told him 2 things he is doing right that I like about him. He emailed me back and said he was downloading a cd again and he apologized if it hurt me and asked me for suggestions to resolve this. I told him just his reassuring words were enough and that I would play them back in my head the next time he is on the computer. If someone is having an affair or hasn't worked passed the issues my first email would've sent him on the defense. I mean really, in a healthy/happy marriage for someone to be typing on a computer is NOT an issue worth discussing. But with our history, it is a huge issue. The old me would've stuffed those feelings and not shared them with him. <p>I think it is possible. It just takes work and heartache. It takes a willingness to give him a tiny piece of your heart and see how he handles it. Whether he handles it with care. Then if he handles it with care - give him a little more. If he doesn't handle it with care explain to him calmly how you would like to handle it and then try again with a tiny peice of your heart. The thing to realize is he IS going to hurt you again. That is part of being human. But it is how you work through the hurt together that matters. We are learning as we go too. So you have to allow room for mistakes. <p>I have been journaling our progress. It looks like we had a huge fight on March 9th of this year then we had a small fight on April 11 and down to this small disagreement about his computer time happened today. When we first married in 1997 we didn't fight for 3 years! That is a HUGE warning sign. I just stuffed my feeling and hoped it would all go away. So the fact that we have disagreements shows there is progress. <p>Here is my reply to a post on EN titled: What GOOD have you seen in your spouse lately? <p>These he has always done:
Helps with housework
Helps with kids homework
These are the proof we are in recovery that he never did before!:
Kisses me goodbye every morning.
Ask how I am doing every day.
Validates my feelings when I share them.
Nonsexual touches during the day.
Includes me in decision making/planning/conflict resolution.
Listens and responds to me.
Calls me at work.
chitchats with me throughout the day through email.
Initiates and tells me he loves me.
Laughs with me.<p>
UNBELIEVABLE, TRULY UNBELIEVABLE! ALL GLORY AND HONOR TO MY LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST!!<p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I apologize for babbeling but this is truly starting to be a passion of mine!<p>Start with seeing if he can have a willingness to discuss the A and the feelings that lead up to it. I can also recommend and excellent counselor if you are in Houston.

Oh My---
and just how long will you try to interfere with your X's life to get something back you ONCE had? I know I'm not speaking to everyone here, but the time to have second thoughts is BEFORE the D. Why is it that people go through all the agony and expense---to say nothing about how they affect their kids??? For myself, I"m with WHEN PIGS FLY!!! You do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to resolve your conflicts, and then do SOME MORE before you up and get divorced. It's just too easy to get the D in the first place---THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.

I think this happens more often than we know of - especially when people are not really "through" with each other when they divorce. In our case, we went from filing to final in under four months and that is not enough time to process what is happening.
The aftermath of what has occured is hell. And it can take years to pick up the pieces. We both love each other. That may be enough - it may not be. Time and patience and kindness with each other are what is needed now. Patience is the hardest.

I would like to add to that I am not naive to think it will never happen again. I am in this thinking - even if we divorce in 2 years or 20 I like the person I have become. I have gained a lot of wisdom about me and about relationships through this. So my time is not wasted. <p>The reasons for my recovery
1) Prayer - gotta give God glory!!!
2) Husband was willing! (God is in control but he doesn't force anyone to do anything - he gives us free will and freedom to choose)
3) Tough Love - I am willing to let him go. H has choices and the door is always open. Because I NOW believe Divorce is an option it enables me to set appropriate boundaries in my marriage. My success in life has nothing to do with marriage/divorce.

HURTING<p>Dude, don't go for that arrangenment at all! If your WW isn't done "shopping around" then stay out of the mix totally! I did the "dating" thing with my 1st wife and all it did was bring more pain. She never really wanted to get back together, she just missed certain aspects of our relationship and wanted those things back again. She wanted her cake and eat it too. I say stay out of her life if she is not willing to be EXCLUSIVE to you! IMHO [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</p>

Remarrying your spouse. I really needed to read some of the positive responses of people considering trying it again.<p> I think before you consider trying it again you need three key things to make it work.<p>
1.) God has to be in our lives. The spiritual being has to be in our lives so we can handle the long up and down struggles (emotionally and physically) that we are going to meet when we try and put the marriage together again. When we have the Holy Spirit in us it will fight off the evil spirits that tempt us(i.e.- anger, hard heartedness, unforgiving spirit) The spirit will make us more compassionate, patient, kind-hearted, loving toward one another. I am reading a book by Charles Swindoll ( one of the most popular Christian speakers) called " Flying Closer to the Flame- A Passion for the Holy Spirit" and he has one line that really stuck out to me. It says ".The Spirit-filled walk will not only change a life; in the process it absolutely transforms a home".<p> 2.) WS has to repent for what they have done. They have to be truelly remorseful. They have to show the BS, through their actions, that they are changing their lives for the betterment of the marriage.<p> 3.) BS has to forgive the WS. Notice I didn't say forgive and forget. The BS will never be able to forget the A because this is embedded so deep in the inner most thoughts that it will never leave. Although the WS would like to forget this terrible thing that they have done perhaps it is best that they don't forget either. My feeling is if the WS never forgets the pain they have put the BS through then this is yet another assurance that they won't stray again.<p> As you can see I am the WS. My wife forgave me after the first D-Day but I didn't have all the other key things in my life. My life has done a complete 180 degree turn but now I lack my wifes forgiveness and my wife. I love her more than anything in the world but she can't see that right now. <p> We are separated and have filed for divorce. As she goes out with her new single friends and as men call the house, I WANT TO VOMIT. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] She said the other day that she is going to leave the marriage faithfully. I now know what I put her through when she would hope and pray that I wasn't being unfaithful to her. I see how thoughts raced through her head and consumed her thinking every minute of the day.<p> I think the one thing that puts trust back into the relationship and starts the road to recovery is positive life changing "ACTION". Hopefully and prayfully God will intervene in my divorce. If he doesn't I pray daily(several times) that he will intervene in our lives and put my wife in my path again so we can build a spiritual house again.<p>
Love in Christ<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]<p>[ May 11, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

HELLO EVERYONE:<p>I was surprised to see this topic today. I too was dv back in Jan 2002. I never wanted the divorce but my WH asked me for the divorce so I gave it to him because I felt like I had too much pride to beg him not to divorce me.<p>He is currently still seeing the OW but not living w/ her. During the existence of our separation & even now I tried to remain as friendly toward him as I possibly could just because he's always been so great w/ our 2 daughters. Sure we had our fights because I couldn't keep from throwing jabs. I guess I've felt a lot of resentment because he had always told me that he didn't want to have anymore than our 2 children and then he gets involved w/ OW that has 5 daughters. <p>During our separation I've tried to be as good a mother as I could possibly be considering my situation. I've even received phone calls from OW telling me things about my husband. I never felt like a very strong independent person since Dday. But since I've started reading MB it has helped me tremendously and let me tell you I feel like a whole new woman. <p>I still love my husband very much and was crushed when he asked for the DV. But for the past few weeks I think he has seen a change in me and now I am dating a guy, just someone to go out and have dinner with & do things. Believe me, very far from being anything serious because of my love for the WH. WH has really never shown me very much remorse or anything like that but this morning when he called my children he wanted to speak with me. I could tell that his voice sounded different but I didn't think anything of it. During our conversation, out of the blue he told me that I seemed very happy now especially since I'm dating and that he was very happy for me. I told him "thank you". But then before we hung up he said to me that for weeks now he had been contemplating asking me if he and I could start dating again but now he knows he can't expect me to go back to being unhappy with him because of the withdrawal he would go through after ending the affair.<p>To be honest with everyone. I don't know how I felt at that moment when he said that. But I thought for a second and after everything I've read from some WS on MB and the length & trials a WS can have with withdrawal. I don't know if I could ever take that. I voiced this to my WH also after he said that on the phone. Sure the thought of having him back in my life sounded good but now that I've gotten over the worst hump I don't know if I'd risk doing that all over again even if he really did want to come back to his family.<p>I honestly don't think that the OW would ever leave him alone anyway. Evidently, she's told some of my acquaintances that she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life. (I've always wondered how long that would last, especially because she's been married 5 times already). <p>Just when I'm feeling good w/ who I'm becoming and concentrating on myself and my 2 kids. He has to say this which gets me to thinking all day long. <p>That's the reason for my babbling to you all today. I wish I had known about this website a year ago. It has been a blessing for me.
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Laura,
Are there any questions we can ask ourselves before trying to get back together with the spouse we betrayed? By that I mean, I'm trying to determine if all of the hurtful things I said to my ex-wife prior to our divorce two years ago were really signs I didn't wanna be around her and the kids anymore. Do the little things that seemed so big back then and are now nothing more than quirks that can be talked over grounds to not attempt reconciliation? When the ex and myself get a chance to talk, I'm 700 miles away, she says to me that all those "things" are still part of how she is. It tends to get me to thinking she may be right that I am only trying to get back with her and the kids out of lonelines. I can't just quit my job and move closer to them. That would be totally irresponsible on my part because I can't jeopardize my support payments and insurance coverage for the kids.<p>I know that I still love my ex. Is second guessing that feeling I have in my heart for her a bad sign?<p>Mike

All have stated good advice and circumstances. Seems that the love really never diminishes, the love is there but one spouse or another can't seem to see it. Divorce is a rejection to the one who doesn't want it. But hey, like you all said, let it go. <p>To reconcile, means the WS has to show real remorse and guilt. Really from their heart. The BS has to show understanding and forgiveness. Seems that could happen to quite a few couples. The end no one knows.

I've felt the guilt for a long time now. It will never go away. I've had to let the weight of that shift to God. I should've shifted other issues to Him for help years ago but, I thought it would all go away by itself. I know how my heart hurts to not be with my ex and I would never, ever compare my hurt to be greater than my ex-wifes'.<p>Mike

I think I will always feel the guilt because I gave up something that meant sooo much to me for 1 night of sex. I too hurt soo much I can't stand it sometimes but I have learned to give it to God and let him work on my marriage if it his will. I pray everyday that he will reconcile my marriage but the hard part is waiting on his answer. God put me and my wife together and I'll be darned if I am going to let satan break us apart. While I hurt, I will never hurt like my wife hurts, so I pray that God will reconcile us so we can both laugh together again and be one of Gods great couples that live for him.<p>
Love in Christ<p>[ May 16, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

just bumping

Good post,<p>But I'm in the throws of garbage so deep right now, I wouldn't even consider the thought of it at this point.<p>This one is too deep for me right now.<p>Wallace