Me and my xh have only been divorced for nearly 5 months now. He swears up and down that he and the ow were never involved until after he left me and our children last summer. I don't believe him at all, I feel like he is lying to me. He left us and went to her. He dated her while we were still married. I don't believe him at all, no matter what he says. <p>It really bothers me that my xh has been bringing my children around this ow since he left us. He disregarded everything I said about him not doing this to them and even what we were told in the parenting class we were required to attend. He even admitted that he knew he wasn't supposed to do this but he couldn't be alone. I have tried really hard to be very open with my children regarding this ow. I hate to even hear her name mentioned but I grin and bear it and allow my children to talk about her. It is very hard. They don't really say much about her at all, they just mention her name occasionally. My xh even told me recently that he thought that our children liked her. Obviously he doesn't really know. My 6 yr old did ask me awhile back why I hated this ow. I told him that I don't hate her, that I never hated her, that I never said that I hated her and that I didn't know her. I didn't know what else to say to him and still don't if this subject comes up again. I don't want to cause any conflict between him and her or his father.<p>My xh doesn't understand why I can't be best friends with this ow or why I can't even talk to her. The sound of her name makes me sick, the fact that my children are around her makes me sick, the fact that my xh is going to marry her this summer makes me sick. I hate that my children are exposed to her and their father in this situation. It is so wrong and they are so young they don't really understand. My other child is only 2.<p>How do I talk to my children about this if it comes up again without taking sides? I know that any day my older child is going to say something about his dad getting married. I honestly don't think that my xh has told the children yet. I don't know how to respond. I want to be ready with their questions and concerns. I want so bad to tell them that what their dad did was wrong but I know that I can't do that. <p>My children's birthdays are coming up soon and I honestly can't have my xh and his ow there. Last year we were separated and I invited my xh for my children's sake and the ow didn't come, she wasn't invited. This year I don't think I can invite my xh to their birthdays. I know that I can't be around this ow. I know that I can't handle the situation. What do I tell my children when they ask why their dad isn't there?<p>Also, this ow's parents constantly give my children money and gifts everytime they see them. What if anything can I do about this?<p>Thanks,
Kathy

When you figure it out let me know.<p>My W has been in an A for over 2 yrs now with our family Dr. Kids exposed, told of their relationship, plans to marry. Had D trial last week and hope to get custody. But I feel the same way about the OP. Can not stand them. I even feel betrayed that my kids might like them.<p>Not sure how to handle

Hi kathy, I feel you, it is agonizing to have to face OM or OW...I'm sure one day I'll have to face OM but hopefully I'll be more detached and healed better by then when that day comes, I've only been talked about by OM and verbal assaults over the phone. I think you are no diff than anyone else, the pain of betrayal and jealousy can be a torment when that happens to anyone, its a degrading feeling, feeling less than human.....<p>
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My xh doesn't understand why I can't be best friends with this ow or why I can't even talk to her. The sound of her name makes me sick, the fact that my children are around her makes me sick, the fact that my xh is going to marry her this summer makes me sick. I hate that my children are exposed to her and their father in this situation. It is so wrong and they are so young they don't really understand. My other child is only 2.<p>
More than anything the hardest part of once being married is letting go...my xw says she owes me nothing...in reality she don't were Dv,ed.... as a human should treat another, yes she owes me , however they have no morals so I don't expect anything anymore.<p>Hang in there, its tough you'll have to be creative how you speak around your kids at least you have them, if husband cheated it'll bug him

Our children's therapist says that the children should not be around another person right after the divorce because the kids need a chnace to grieve over the marriage ending and their life as they knew it ending - but the WH never seems to be willing to do that - it's the selfishness.<p>However, since I'm in the same situation too I'll let you know what I do. First, the ExH does not need to be invited to the children's birthday parties. Just let the kids know that since you are divorced you now have separate parties with each parent. The kids love it becasue they get special time with both parents, more presents, two cakes and the birthday festivities are draw out over several days. This way you can control who comes and who doesn't.<p>Also, it's important to BITE YOUR TONGUE when kids talk about the OW. They need to know that they can confide in you about everything. It's also a good way to find out about what is going on when you aren't with them, and that's important because you need to know how this other person is parenting your kids. <p>It's not fun, but believe me, there will be a day when the kids come will start to realize that you've been the good one in all this and that you were being Chrsitian even if your ExH and OW are not. <p>Plus, they will need a home, some stability to return to from when they are with your XH and NOBODY can replace a mother and a mother's love.<p>Hang in there. Misery loves company but I'd settle for a few less friends if they - like you - didn't have to suffer through this too. K

We just celebrated my oldest d's 8th bday at my house. Her father, the exWS, was invited. We "did" the birthday party together. <p>His parents and grandmother, who have been and continue to be my biggest supporters, were also there. I think they will always to my girls' parties.<p>If ex wants to have his own bday party with OW, I'm not sure who will come as OD has one set of friends whose parents won't take them anywhere near the OW.

My story is a little bit different to yours. I was the WS, wanted to leave family for another, and then didn’t, decided to try on marriage for about 8 months, didn’t work, and now in the process of divorcing. My STBXW who was the BS (also WS prior to that) is living with her BF in a house that I am paying for with my kids. <p>STBXW expects me to be friendly and buddies with her BF but would never want to meet my SO. I have met the guy on a couple of occasions when picking and sending kids home, spoken to him on the phone, we’ve even included him during one of my discussions with W about kids.<p>He has certain issues but I think he is a decent guy. I don’t think I can be friendly with him, at least not yet, but I do not undermine him in front of the kids, or take sides, if he is right, he is right, they need to respect him as an adult. If I have a problem with him disciplining kids, I’ll talk to W or him (possibly better to talk to him straight than through W). Do I envy him? Yeah probably always, he is with my kids all the time. <p>Do I expect STBX to be friendly with my SO? I guess not. She expressed that under no circumstance does she ever want to meet her. Fine I can understand that too but I hope one day she will be able to accept and acknowledge her. Ooops I maybe flame for saying that because I met SO before we decided to get divorced. But I am sure it was the same for her, as they we going on holidays together only a month after we parted.

My heart goes out to all of those out there dealing with the ex who wants to drag an OP around to meet the ex. Do they really think that the BS is going to be chummy with the individual who is responsible for their pain? What planet are these people from? It is sheer lunacy to think that the BS is going to be the gracious host to the OP. My marriage didn't end because of an affair, but I still wouldn't be comfortable with the ex and his girlfriend. I personally think she has the morals of an ally cat...I don't want my kids around her...I certainly don't want to invite her for tea. It amazes me how selfish adults can be with their kids. No wonder kids are so screwed up, who wouldn't be dealing with all the baggage their parents are throwing on them. <p>When divorce happens no matter how much you want to keep the kids from suffering, I think it is worse to have the ex over for a party. I think it is confusing to kids when parents try and pretend that all is happy and we all forgive each other. Who on earth would be comfortable attending something with the ex...or with the OP? What is the point? Let him or her have their own party. I wouldn't invite the OP...I wouldn't invite the ex...problem solved.<p>[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: HappyMac ]</p>

JC, EC, GIIC, TM, PF, HM-<p>Thank you all for your replies. The support is wonderful! <p>All of this is so confusing but I know that my children are my first priority and I will do whatever I have to or need to to make sure that they are safe. I hate that they are around their father's ow but there is nothing I can do but listen to my children and make sure that they are being treated well. This is so hard but I know that I am doing the right thing.....I keep telling myself that over and over. I believe it whole heartedly but saying it to myself over and over somehow comforts me. My children are young now but they will grow up and I want them to see how I have handled all of this and made it through.<p>Thank you all again!<p>Kathy

When my XH left me for OW, he told everyone he asked her out the night he left and it was all a big coinkidink and not an affair. I knew better.
To this day they both deny that it was an affair..I guess since they got married right after the divorce it was true love so that made it okay. He acted like leaving was the most natural thing in the world and it stunned me the way they would both talk to me like we were all old friends. I tolerated it for my son's sake but I couldn't take her talking to me about their finances and how all her money goes to pay the child support because he doesn't make enough and how her ex turned out to be such a jerk when they were married. We finally had words and now I don't speak to her at all. I don't hate her or bad mouth her to my son, but, we'll never be pals either. We have never had a joint birthday party either. My H and I have always taken my son out on his birthday or given him a party while his dad gives him an excuse. His birthday is Dec 15 so his dad tells him he will make it up to him at Christmas. He doesn't get much then either. The real heart ache for our son was that his dad left and moved in with a woman and her son who is 4 months younger. To his way of thinking his dad left him for another boy. I couldn't blame the child, but, it hurt for him to call HIS dad daddy.
You have to tolerate certain things for your children's sake. I admire you for letting them talk about her and saying nothing. I know that must be painful. YOu're going to have to put up with her at joint gatherings in the future, but, I see no reason to feel obligated to be one happy family. I would let them have their own birthday party and I would have mine. That is unless your kids INSIST on having him present and then if I were you I would have it in a public place rather than in my home.

Abandoned Mom
You and I are "sisters" in the sense that our situations are sooooo similar, I can't believe it. I have been mostly lurking lately, but have posted alot last year.
I have 3 kids. 4,5,6. My STBXH had an EA with a woman (div.x2) who had 2 kids by 2 diff. dads, and she babysat for us. This all started over 2 years ago. Anyway, H stated he didn't want to work on marriage anymore(hahahahah) on Dec.29, 2000. Would not leave the home. Would not file, he had no grounds, so I did. (in retrospect, I shouldn't have done it) anyway, he broke up with her @2/15/01. I BELIEVE he was starting another affair with a widowed woman (3 kids, H dead less than a year) and he moved from our home, straight into her home( actually her parents home. They all live together now). And he thinks that this was all fine and dandy. His remark that it is a good family enviornment shows his true character and where his mind is. Our divorce trial was 2/6/02, however, we are still not legally divorced yet and he is engaged and plans on marrying in August.
I tell you all this because it is uncanny how our H think alike. Mine states that because this OW "didn't break up" our marriage, it is not an affair.
I have learned and grown soooo much over the past 2 years. I still ride the coaster but the bumps are not as wild. I have alot of support. If i didn't, I would probably be dead.
Anyway, to the kids. My kids LOVE the OW, her family, kids, grandma, grandpa, etc. Basically, he brainwashed them as soon as he left our home, that this was his new family. His family, basically left me also and have enabled his behavior. What do I do. I bite my tongue. I don't talk about them (any of them), I nod my head, and say, "that's nice." I do tell them that the divorce was Daddy's choice. I do not hate other woman, I don't know her. I don't like her behavior. I try to stay away from that BUT I would address it if I had to. I had a conversation with my 6 about OW and I had to say to her that I knew she loved OW and that was ok. It is not my kids fault that they are in this situation. I rarely speak to my Ex. He has done so much against any good sense for the kids, I do what I need to do for them. I pray for them when they are with them. There are some things you can't control. It SUCKS. I know. I live it everyday also. My kids are going to be IN THE WEDDDING. They can't wait. My ex is very manipulative and selffish and childish and I can't be engaged in conversation with him because I am not strong enough YET to stand my ground and not allow my emotions to get the better of me. I am working on my boundaries. <p>Parties. NO WAY! Would I allow OW or EXH in home now. We have a life separate from them. Does it suck for the kids. Yes but this is the way it is. This was not your choice. Does your div. papers say who gets bdays. Ours doesn't so whoever bday is on his time, he gets. Otherwise they are with me. He has parties with "Family" so I don't have to worry about it.<p>I feel your PAIN and ANGER. I live it too. It is soooo hard and I don't have all the answers. I wish I did. You will realize, (i am just learning) that you CAN"T protect your kids from everything. You can't stop what is happening when they are not with you but you CAN control what happens when they are with you. Your kids will learn things about life that you never wanted them to learn about at an earlier age. They will grow up just alittle faster because of what they have been exposed to. <p>Love them, kiss them , hug them, PRAY for them.<p>I have been told that God has a blessing for me in the future because of all the bruising that has happened. HE does for you also.<p>One day at a time.<p>Hopelessmom