I just got engaged to a divorced man with two boys, 11 and 15 years old. I'm scared to death of what awaits me and can't find any advice out on the web for the woman entering this potentially difficult situation. <P>Is there anyone who can help me to understand what awaits me, and warn me about how to deal with difficult situations which may arise? I've never been married and I'm going to lose singlehood at the same time I will be dealing with his children. I'm not sure what to expect and it's got me worried about the unkown.<P>I know that this concern pales compared to some of the other postings out here but the advice I see out here has been very thoughtful and honest. I'm hoping my dilemma and worry isn't so trivial as to not get some advice also....Thanks!<P>CATSRUS

If you marry this man you need to realize that you will be sharing him with his children, his ex wife and his ex in-laws. <P>I assume he is involved in his childrens lives. If he isn't that raises other red flags for me. He will have to give time to them. <P>Because of the kids he will have to have continued contact with his ex. It may also require you to have contact with his ex. <P>There will be times when you will feel like a fifth wheel. Only you can guess how you will handle how divided his affections and attention will have to be. If you two decide to have children that will add more emotional stress as you watch your child's dad's affections be sliced into even smaller pieces.<P>Then there are the financial ramifications. You will watch as financial resources, that you and your family could really use to plan for your future, are funneled off to another family.<P>Sounds kind of grim. I have watched as family and friends have married again. The most striking thing that I have seem is that the same mistakes that contributed to the demise of the first marriage are being played out in the second.<P>I'm am not saying it can't work or that you shouldn't marry this guy. You show great wisdom to question this desicion. <P>Marriage at its best is a challenge! With the extra stresses that would take up residence in this proposed marriage it is imparative that you and your finace get aquainted with and adopt Dr. Harley's concepts. Read this web site. Do the emotional needs questionaire. Get your hands on a couple of Dr. Harley's books and read them together. If your fiance won't do this I would pause again before commiting to this marriage.<P>

Thanks, Mudder. I really need to develop a better understanding of what happened that contributed to the demise of his first marraige. What I know so far is just a vague description. I just found this web site a couple of days ago and I have been reading the concepts and have shipped the links to my fiancee. We also both took the Emotional Needs Questionaire. We have yet to discuss it. But I'm sure we wil.<P>I sincerely thank you for your insights...they have been very helpful.<P>CATSRUS

catsrus:<P>Another suggestion I have (to add to Mudder's excellent advice) is to sit down and talk to his ex-wife (with your finacee's knowledge, of course). Harley would certainly suggest this. You might need to filter some of the information, depending on how their divorce went, but I'd suggest that you do it.<P>I'd also suggest that you look at these Q&A's<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Raising Children in a Blended Family </A><BR>and<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5041_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Having Problems with the POJA</A>.<P>Finally, Harley's book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6060_gift.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Gifts of Love: Preparing for Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime</A> is a tremendous book that I suggest you order. It's a beautifully presented summary of Harley's "Four Rules", and it makes for a great wedding/pre-wedding gift (and I have a brother getting married in a few months---gotta go buy another copy!)

I suggest you look at The Second Wives Club on the internet. The address is <A HREF="http://www.secondwivesclub.com" TARGET=_blank>www.secondwivesclub.com</A> <P>You will find a wealth of info there on many topics related to step & blended families. Talking to your husband is also highly recommended. Many women go into marriages to men with children unsure of what thier roles are and often end up making thier's and the rest of the familiy's lives miserable. There is a wonderful book called "When you marry a man with children...how to put your marriage 1st and stay in love." It's by Barbara Keenen. It is very helpful.<P>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by I'mafool (edited April 28, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by K:<BR><B>catsrus:<P>Another suggestion I have (to add to Mudder's excellent advice) is to sit down and talk to his ex-wife (with your finacee's knowledge, of course). <P>I do not agree 100% with this suggestion. As a second wife and stepmother, I know that the majority of ex-wives do not want to talk to their ex's new wife-to-be. They are not yet married, you are not suar of the extent to which she will be involved in his kids lives, so to advise her to talk to the ex is unwise. That should wait until the relationship with the kids and her is unravelling...if at all. Just a voice of experience here.<P>Harley would certainly suggest this. You might need to filter some of the information, depending on how their divorce went, but I'd suggest that you do it.<P>I'd also suggest that you look at these Q&A's<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Raising Children in a Blended Family </A><BR>and<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5041_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Having Problems with the POJA</A>.<P>Finally, Harley's book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6060_gift.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Gifts of Love: Preparing for Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime</A> is a tremendous book that I suggest you order. It's a beautifully presented summary of Harley's "Four Rules", and it makes for a great wedding/pre-wedding gift (and I have a brother getting married in a few months---gotta go buy another copy!)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I don't mean to come across as cruel here; however, why are you engaged to be married if you have such fears? This is such a major step for you - much more than if you were marrying a single man. <P>How do you currently get along with his kids - are you comfortable around them? Do they respect you? Have the two of you sat down with the kids and announced your engagement with them and asked for their reaction or approval?<P>Personally, if you haven't done this already, you need to have some very indepth talks with your fiance regarding his expectations of you with his children, his plans for making this a blended family, your financial future etc. You received some excellent advice from many of the posters. Please, do your homework before you walk down the aisle. <P>Missy2

Wait until his kids are enthusiastic about YOU. May take a few more years of dating. Or them growing up. <P>I wish I had asked my kids before I remarried. And I wish I had taken their opinions extremely seriously. They didn't dare express themselves too forcefully with me. What would be the point? I am extremely hard-headed.<P>Good luck with this relationship. Just take it really really slowly and do not contribute to bringing chaos to anyone's life.<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Well I am also married to a divorced man with 2 children and I would never change how our situation went. As far as the advice I have seen so far, it is ALL correct. But only you know which part is your situation. <BR>I suggest you check out Stepmothers.org it is by far the best support group on the web for stepmothers/smothers-to-be. I have personally had a very easy task of becoming a smother, but the people at SMI (stepmothers.org) have a variety of experiences and the bond between everyone is contagious. Check out the message board, it is where you will find the most help there. I hope to see you pop up there soon.<BR>As for me, I started out my relationship with my husband and within a month or two, with his children. They are younger, that makes a difference, but I will say, if you are in a position where you can talk to the ex without hostility (if she doesn't see you as a threat or have some issues of her own) then it is much easier going in with the understanding that you are not enemies in a blended family situation. I don't think it shows that you shouldn't marry this man just because you are insightful enough to think of some of the potential effects on your lifestyle...but if you can reconcile the issues before the marriage, you will be so far ahead!<P>------------------<BR>Cufs4life