Orignally posted on EN, but thought maybe I may get some good feedback here on this forum.<p>My XH forced me to move to the town I live in now. I spent most of my 9 years here (6 while married to him) trying to convince him to move. He never would. So now I am D from him, and still live in this place. I eventually came to tolerate this town, but now my new H really dislikes living here. He wants to move to NYC, but I know I won't like it there. He hasn't really forced the issue, but I know living here is a huge LB in our relationship. <p>The reason I have stayed here is because of our joint custody agreement. (required to stay 1 year--which is past now). Even after the D, I have tried many times to convince my XH to move, but he still won't. H#2 feels "stuck" and resentful because XH is keeping us here. <p>Well, this weekend I made a BIG decision. I suggested we move to Seattle (4 hours away from here). H is so happy I finally decided to leave this place. It was very successful POJA!!! He could at least be enthusiastic, even if it isn't NYC.<p>I was really nervous to talk with my OD, but it was GREAT. She could see my point, and even started to state all the benefits: better opportunity for career for Mom & A (geezzz..i can make triple what I make now in my career here--which means better lifestyle and can afford college for kids), Mom can go back to school, better schools for kids, within 2 hours from their Grand-parents, uncles, aunts, cousins... 1 hour to XH's mom, sis, cousins, better shopping (for her--uggg 12 yr old girls), H will have access to larger Indian community, close to "activities". A much better place to enjoy our life. Downside: too much rain & conjested traffic.<p>What do we have here in this town? Kids have some friends, but even my OD wasn't bothered by the thought of leaving them. Dead end careers, no money, no family, no friends...I feel like I'm wasting my years here and feel guilty if I make my H stay here and waste this opportune time to fulfill his dreams, my dreams and ours together...All because XH doesn't want to move. <p>OD says she wants to come with us, but doesn't want to hurt her dad's feelings. Interesting huh? I guess my H isn't so bad after all with kids. I'm sure my YD will want to be with me. My son hardly comes to see me anymore anyway and wants to live with his father (although I know he will hold this move against me anyway). <p>I don't want to break the family up anymore than it already is. It's a tough decision. Of course, I also have to deal with XH paranoia about what is best for the kids, and his doubts about my H. H is enthusiastically agreeing about the girls living with us.<p>Am I wrong for wanting to take control of my life and make a better future for me, H & kids? Since I spent the past 9 years here, don't you think it is time for XH to make a move to keep the kids together? I'm pretty sure he will try to turn this on me.<p>I need help with "residency schedules" for parents that live in different towns & How in the world do I approach my XH. <p>

seekingjoy2

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Milli ---
After carefully considering the effect this move will have on your children - you might want to consider your best interests. What will make you happiest?<p>Jan <p>milli
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Well I want EVERYTHING.
I want to move to Seattle, and I want my kids near to me.<p>Can't I expect it all? <p>Seriously, I feel very strongly that the kids need both their mother and father near to them. <p>In the past I have committed myself to that! I have been the one sacrificing to accomodate this living arrangement...But now, I'm not just sacrificing myself--I am now sacrificing my H and it causes trouble in our M, and sacrificing the opportunity for a better future.<p>A huge deciding factor to me is to be closer to my family. My kids have lived their whole life with limited time with their extended family. The older I get the more I realize they need a closer relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It isn't just about my family, but also their father's family. Even XH's family has been asking him to move over there.<p>(Personally, I think that we, as a culture, screwed up when we started moving too far from our extended families. Of course, not too close either!)<p>I grew up a military brat. I moved at least 5 times during my childhood/youth. It isn't typical these days to stay in one place all our lives. Sure, I didn't like it when my parents told us we were moving, but I adjusted and now I know they were doing what was best for the future of our family. I wasn't given a choice about moving. <p>Why do we need to give our kids so much power over adult decisions? Probably because we feel guilty for the divorce. The bigger question is why does my XH have all the power over where we live?<p>I am not asking for permenant custody arrangements. For those that don't know my story...My XH is now working as a car salesman, 12 hours a day & I have been completely picking up the slack during his weeks, and causing problems in my M. I know very well, my XH cannot handle full custody of the kids working this kind of job.<p>Even XH doesn't have much here. A few friends, a son that is disliking me and H more and more everday and wants to live with his father.<p>So, doesn't it seem in my staying here--I am supporting my XH's career at the expense of myself & H, and being able to provide a better life for the kids?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by milli:
<strong>Am I wrong for wanting to take control of my life and make a better future for me, H & kids? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Milli, I apoligize for not knowing more about your story, but I'm going to respond based upon what is posted above....<p>Let me put on my Dr. Laura hat on for a moment.. I do believe that 4 hours away is too far. Sounds like you already have "limited" time with your son and that move will pretty much shrink that to almost none and it will take the girls away from their brother. Plus if the girls have any type of relationship with their father at all, it will greatly impare that causing hidden problems throughout life...<p>There's a part in your post where it really sounds like your rallying support from the kids and that in effect is forcing them mentally to "choose" between parents, something that a child should never be forced to do. When it comes to your new husband, he knew what he was getting into before he married you. Isn't there any other place close by where y'all could find happiness?<p>It sounds like you are currently living in a smaller type community. I'm quite sure that you could make more money in a larger town but the cost of living also rises, dramatically. As for schools, sure there may be some educational opportunities provided you go to the expense of putting them in private school. Other than that you face the gang problems that plague our larger cities along with children with needs getting "lost in the shuffle".<p>Granted I don't know enough about the situation but it just doesn't sound like it's in the best interest of the children to me. If my X were to talk about moving 4 hours from me then we'd be in court before she finished the sentence.<p>Best of luck!!!!!

Thanks for your post, Bill.<p>Yes, I have heard Dr Laura curse parents that move away! It still sticks in my mind, even though I heard it said before I had kids & it did make a huge impact on me.<p>So far, I have only talked with my OD-12. I never presented it in a way that she had to make a choice. I knew perfectly well in telling her, she could have a different opinion & I was risking a lot, but I felt it better that *I* be the one to tell her first, not her father.<p>In talking with her, she said she always wanted to move to Seattle, but she thought I liked living here, so she never said anything. <p>Again, she said she wants to come with me, but doesn't want to hurt her dad's feelings. At that point, I said you don't have to make a choice. You are a child and your father and I have to decide what is best for you kids. <p>Now, my S-9. That is just getting worse day by day. He loves me...I know that! But, he doesn't agree with my choice for a new H, and has chosen to alienate himself from me, with his father's encouragment. My S has a strong bond & sense of loyalty with his father. He is completely disobedient & disprespectful with me. <p>I keep telling my X that my son should not be the one making the decision about where he is living, although at this point I do agree that he is best with his D. I feel we, as parents should take that weight off of him.<p>I am not rallying to WIN the children over. I truly want my XH to get his head out of the sand, and realize this town is NOT best for anyone, not even him. He is keeping everyone down by staying here. Even OD feels her dad should move! He has nothing here, and has been spinning his wheels for the past 9 years here.<p>Yep, I know cost of living is more in the bigger cities, but in my career I will make double to triple what I am making here. I could afford to put kids in private school, I could afford to save for their college. Here I am barely making enough to get by and very little opportunity to get myself a better education to improve our future situation. XH is now selling cars, I am quite sure he will also have a better future & be closer to his family. <p>For goodness sake, he can't hardly take care of the kids now without my support and his mother. She lives in Seattle area, and travels here every other weekend to take care of the kids.

Milli,,,<p>First off, I apoligize if I came across a little strong there. I in no way want a blasting contest, just trying to open up communication.<p>I personally live in a SMALL community and commute daily. There is no way that I could make a living in the community where I live, so I do understand the financial problems. My X moved out to one larger town, lived there a year, and now she's off to a bigger town. So when does it stop and when do the kids get stability? Thank goodness all of these towns are within about 30 miles of each other or we'd all go crazy.<p>I'm just saying that if you move too far away there are three bonds that will be damaged; father/daughter, mother/son, & sister/brother. I just don't think that is a price I'm willing to pay personally.<p>More than likely your kids are like mine in that they have suffered great loss and try to appease whichever parent they are with at the time. I've got my girls all in individual counseling and it's amazing the difference between what they tell me, tell my x, and tell the counsellor. I pray that you have your son in some counselling because it sounds like he needs it.<p>This issue seems more complex than it is presented and I'm sure there are factors and histories that will have influence on your decision but I would recommend some type of counselling before your toss in the chips. <p>If you've lurked on these boards long you will see that I tend to only see things from one perspective and that's the children's.<p>Again best of luck and your family is in my prayers.

Hey it's ok. I appreciate hearing another perspective! I in no way felt you were blasting me, and I am sure opening up this topic I will be subject to some different opinions.<p>I agree children's needs are extemely important.
I usually post on EN. If you haven't checked out this thread...it's pretty interesting.<p>Who comes first? Spouse or Bio-kids in Remarriages<p>I wish I could commute to a town with better opportunities. My kids have been going to counseling, but it's on hold until some insurance issues get straightened out. I have also been going to counseling.<p>This town is mid-sized and has potential to grow then come crashing down. It has great income opportunities if you are an engineer or research scientist. <p>There is a large amount of people moving into the town. So that should be good for my mortgage loan rep career, right? NOPE...too much competition & a housing shortage. I hate "sales", but know I am good at the rest of my job, and those kind of opportunities are no where to be found here. <p>If I saw things from my kids perspective (especially my son) I would be divorcing my 2nd H. <p>Are you remarried? How long have you been DV?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by milli:
<strong>Are you remarried? How long have you been DV?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I've been separated for over a year and divorcd for almost a year. No I'm not re-married and nothing on the burner at this time. I've pretty much put that aspect of my life on hold as to not hender in my daughter's healing processes. I have them in counselling and they are making progress. But as you know they take 1 step forward and two steps back.<p>My youngest is still having a huge problem with acceptance which is hendering her from continueing with the greiving process. During this fragile time my X decided it was time to shack up so my youngest is showing her problems more outwardly now. The other two have also shown increased difficulty in dealing with this new situation.<p>Such a short question, yet such a long answer...<p>Once I feel my girls are healthy and I don't have "hide" a relationship then I will see what happens.<p>So where does this hostility between your son and H come from? I'm sure your immediate response will be from your X, but it has to be rooted deeper than that, so please think about it..<p>How long did you wait after divorce to get married?

I'm afraid my answer would be pretty long too.<p>i waited almost 2 years before remarrying.<p>Basically my son is very disprespecful and disobedient to me. He is prone to huge angry outbursts. My H sees this, and can't do anything about it...so he gets frustrated. <p>There have been 3 instances in the past 8 months, where my H got mad at my son for talking back to me and being plain rude to me. <p>The last one, my son was scared. The kids also don't like when my H & I fight, hence why I am on this site and trying to practice MB concepts to improve my marriage. MAJOR improvements on H side and mine. We are learning to disagree through conversation instead of yelling etc.<p>Anyway, the long story can be seen here:<p>Remarriage/Blended Families<p>[ June 04, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>

Milli,<p>I am an old timer here, and mostly a lurker now. We need to talk...<p>First of all, you're 4 hours away from Seattle? Me too!....Hmmmm, lots of scientist and engineers...I bet I can guess where...the Columbia and Snake Rivers wouldn't happen to be close by, would they? (I'm not being specific for your privacy's sake)<p>Secondly, I am moving...a big move...one child staying with his dad and one going with me. Lonnnnng story, lots of soul searching, but mostly a simple decision to get away from a man hellbent on putting my in the looney bin!<p>I think my email address is on my profile - feel free to write if you'd like to chat.<p>Good luck with your decision<p>Lisa

[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'll check for your email address!<p>[ June 04, 2002: Message edited by: milli ]</p>

Hey, Lisa!<p>I don't see your email addy on your profile.

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: On*My*Own ]</p>