My stbxh has been involved with a ow for almost 2 years now and has been living with her almost 1 year sinse I kicked him out(he chose to leave b/c he did not want to give up the affair). Prior to that I had a baby who is now 20 months old. I moved in with some family and now live on my own with my son. STBXH told me he and OW have "broken up" but he continues to live with her because he has so much debt and can't afford to live anywhere else. They still see movies together and she is along when they pick up my son for visits. He drives her car all the time because he says that he couldn't afford to pay for auto insurance to drive his car. <p> Yet he tells me to call her and ask her if they have truely broken up. He told me he wants to get back together but shows no effort in that direction to show me he is serious. I just see him wanting it to be easy to slide over from her (who has been taking care of him) and slide back to me(so I can take care of him) without any effort on his part. He does work occasionally but would rather have the women in his life support him. (My interpretation)<p> I don't get it. My counselor who is a christian says she understood if I wanted a divorce< because he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and can be dangerous sometimes if he rages. Our other counselor who has been counseling us sinse almost the beginning of our marriage told me ,when I was by myself, that he encourages us to get a divorce for safety reason, especially for my son. My minister understands as well. My family wants nothing to do with him and would be very upset with me if I even considered taking him back.<p> I know the bible says to seek wise counsel and I believe I have. Yet he wants to get together, I don't see any godliness in him that would even hold our marriage together even if we tried. I would be scared to death to even try to be emotionally close to him. He is unstaable emotionally. I believe God had delivered me out of an ugly situation and has provided most wonderfully for my son and I and I am realy growing and prospering without him. <p>I feel good for the most part, although there are time where it is still painful about my shattered dreams I wanted for my family. <p>and yet... What do I do? With all this extra baggage he has on top of 2 years of affair that he says is over, but he still lives with her, I can't believe him a bit. He has spent a year lying through his teeth and has shown no attempts or effort on his part to even give me anything I need from him for reconcilliation, is it wrong to not take him back yet? He filed for divorce, but doesn't really want it. But he wants it easy without having to do much. I don't know. My desire for a whole family is so strong. Yet the risk is far greater.<p>Any suggestions?

Any suggestions?<p>Yes!!
Listen to your own Self. You have listed tweny reasons reasons (exaggeration) why he is no good:<p>1. no job - bad very bad - why do you need him, his debt, and his spending habits in your life. Think of how much money he will spend that you will not be able to spend on your son.<p>2. men who have bpd usually have antisocial disorder. <p>3. Would you want him raging at your son?<p>
Run very far and very fast. Do not feel sorry for this creep. He has nothing to offer you but trouble.

Suggestions:<p>Read Love must be Tough by Dobson<p>Pray about it and read your bible. <p>If you feel led to still try to save things there is nothing wrong with setting boundries and conditions. What is it you want from him in order for there to be a chance to make it work?<p>I would sure make sure he was committed to a Christian walk as one condition as well as committment to leaving OW and being on his own as proof of the changes. If you can see changes you want in a prescribed amount of time you can evaluate if it has been enough. - Read Dobsons book!<p>Best of Luck to you<p>John

, is it wrong to not take him back yet?<p>Not at all. God does hate divorce but He also made allowances for it because He knows sometimes it's necessary.<p>It sounds to me like you already know the answer. He is not trustworthy, is not a helpmate, is not emotionally stable, and wants you to make his life easy. You already have one baby to raise? Do you really want another (who's too big to spank???)?

Thanks for your replies. I always wonder if there is something that I am not doing. So I question myself even if the answers smacks me in the face. I did read Dobsons Tough Love and agree with him. I keep hoping to find some inkling of change that is true godly change. But I don't. I sit amazed as he calls himself a christian and did when we married and tells me he prays at meals and reads our son little kid bible stories while this OW yells at him for doing so and saying he is going to make a "holy roller" out of him(our son)the reason my H says he "Broke up" with her. How twisted and distorted. <p> Yea, I think I know the answer. I have prayed for some redeaming sign to take him back and haven't seen any. We are in the final stages of our divorce. HE calls it "my divorce"now even though he is the one that filed, and I just continue to push through due to lack of any real sign to not do it. I also think it takes the responsibility off of him and onto me sinse i'm the one following through. How sad. I just pray my son will not follow in his fathers footseps. I want to be a strong, godly influence for him and put him around godly men as much as possible.<p>I know there is something much better out there than this for my son and I. I do actually pray for him and OW. It has taken me some time to reach this point but in the end, what is the most important thing?<p>I'm glad I'm not tangled in this web anymore or at least I'm almost out. Some marriages can't be saved. Only God can save them individually if they seek it.<p>I just needed some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Thanks again.<p>Susan

Talk to him and tell him what you expect and exactly what he needs to win you back - at least give him the chance. If he takes the challange great, if not, it is not your fault.<p>You mentioned praying for your husband. Try The power of a PRaying Wife. I am reading Power of a Praying Husband and it is excellent.<p>John

You shouldn't feel bad for protecting the safety of yourself & your child. You have already decided the right thing, but were a little scared.<p>He might be trying to have the best of both worlds, maybe had a fight with OW. I wouldnt believe for a minute that he is not in a thing with her and yet lives there!! Could she by chance be getting ready to throw him out??? Ha! He needs to be responsible for his own actions. ANd if he has mental/emotional problems then definately should be in counceling and taking some sort of mood affecting medications!!<p>There is no harm in talking to him I guess, in someplace safe where he cant get mad. Maybe meet him at the park on a nice day or just talk on the phone. But don't give him any reason to think you'd take him back in a heartbeat. Just a here is what I'd have to see from you over a long term basis before I'd even consider anything . . conversation. If he was willing to meet half way, then maybe. But I dont think he will take any self help actions or ever be truthful with you, the same way I am thinking this about my own H now.<p>Be good to yourself!

Unfortunately, he has too much pride to think he needs to "win" me back. He feels that I should be the one throwing myself at him even though he says he wants to come back. He doesn't even respond to me when I say to him "How can we even reconcile when you are still living with OW? You need to leave OW and then we can discuss what is needed to work on our relationship." Problem is...he doesn't hear me or really care what it is that I need. Narcissism ranks quite high here. <p>I'm coming to the realization that only God can change him. Drop the scales from his eyes. married or not. But, I will keep praying.<p>Susan

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Finding peace:
<strong>Unfortunately, he has too much pride to think he needs to "win" me back. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Susan,<p>Ordinarily I would say that you need to be patient etc. etc. But... It seems that you have already been too patient. That pride is a killer and it will continue to cause you problems. If you run back to him, he will not respect you. You need his respect as well as his love. I read "Love Must Be Tough", and I remember there was a discussion of the role of respect in all of this. Perhaps we both should re-read it.<p>-AD