Had a half hour conversation with x today (longest in probably 3 yrs). About a week after she told me om/h was out, she called and asked my opinion on her getting a room mate. The room mate turns out to be some guy she knows from one of her jobs, the one where she met om. I know him briefly.<p>She tells me his lease is up in June and is looking for someplace else to live. He is either divorced or separated. She asked me to think about it and give him a call because he valued my opinion. <p>I let it go because everyone I discussed it with said it was a hot potato, and I agreed. Last Sat nite I ran into the guy at the video store and he came up and asked me about it. I put him off and told him to call later. <p>He called today, and I told him I didn't think it was a good role model for the kids. He said okay, that he wouldn't move in and would speak to my x.<p>So I figured I better say something to x about what I had said. My d needed something over there so we went and I told my x my opinion. <p>She said she understood but indicated she wanted to stay in the house because it is a good environment for the kids and it is, but she did need extra income. She is letting this guy's son and his wife live there for a while before the guy goes to the marines.<p>Any how, she starts telling me about how blinded she was by the om. She said he promised her all these great things and she thought he would have all my great qualities too [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . She said it was all a big lie and that he is a sociopath. She said he never understood when he did things wrong.<p>She said they went to counseling together for 3 yrs( we never made it past 3 visits to 3 different counselors) but she realized it was never going to be what she thought it was. Then she caught him cheating with his x wife(she didn't tell me this, but my son did.)<p>She says she has continued counseling and has learned she was depressed and is taking zoloft.
She says she likes herself now, that she never could before. She also said she is no longer a pessimest since being married to om/h. She said it was too much work for both of them to be pessimists so she turned into the opptimist.<p>She said she understands the pain she put me through as she is living it now. Some how that appology rings hollow. It is still about her.
She said her counselor told her you sometimes just have to find these things out for yourself. That sounds like justification of the affair to me.<p>She asked how things were going with my g/f and hoped we were happy together and wished nothing but the best for me. <p>She did admit she lost respect for me somewhere along the way.<p>I feel emotionally drained. In some ways I feel rejected again. It seems like a few pills and counseling could have saved both of us a lot of pain.

Bob,<p>I hatew to say this by my reaction is exactly something you said in your post: It is still all about her.<p>Why tell you all this stuff? To make you feel better? I think not. To make her feel better - I think so. In some ways, I think her explaining herself and what she went through is in her mind an atonement for her own transgressions to you.<p>Not once did she say she was sorry for hurting you or the kids and realizes now that the affair was wrong. All she says is that the OM did not turn out to be the great guy she thought: i.e. she didn't get all the goodies and perks she thought she was going to get. So she shared her disappointment that the "things" did not materialize for her as she had hoped and expected. Gee whiz....I feel bad for her.
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Her decision to take a male roommate smacks of more selfishness - she wants to keep the house. So what! A person of substance who learned a thing or two would think it more important to be a better role model for their kids than to think about having a great house for them. Which will benefit these kids in the long run more?????<p>I still think it is a HUGE mistake to move this man into her home. In addition, it will bring another transient man into your kids lives, and they don't need that right now, either!<p>Prayers and hugs, Desiree

RWD,<p>I have found that the more I let my stbxh tell me whats going on with him and OW that I feel sick to my stomach because of the unhealthiness of it and the distortion and twistedness is difficult to take. So I have to set boundries for myself and ask him not to tell me anything about their relationship, only things that have to do with my son. Sometimes he gets things in such as "N and I had a fight the other night and she thinks she is always right... and I told her..." You know, I just don't need to know those things because it serves no purpose except how sick their relationship really is and it throws me off for a day or so. I don't need that. Set your boundries and don't get too close because you will get sucked into the emotions again and again and again. Respect yourself enough to treat yourself right and only listen to what is beneficial for you. I've learned that if you let them they will share the sickness with you and not care how you feel. It took me a long time to learn this because it's hard to not want to connect, but it's the healthy thing to do for yourself.<p>Take care of yourself and be careful, you are dealing with unhealthiness and it will affect you if you let it. Don't throw your pearls before swine.<p>Susan

Bob,<p>I get the feeling that just once you would like to be "right" in her eyes, wouldn't you? You realize you have moved on, and so has she but this stuff still gets to you, because as RMA said, you would really like a heart felt apology, not a ME, ME, ME rant.<p>So somewhere she lost respect??? I guess the "good news" is that you know exactly where your respect for her went into the dumper and why? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sadly, you are probably correct some little pills, and some counseling could have saved all of this IF she had really wanted to, but she didn't.<p>Actually, from the tone of this discussion nothing has changed. I recall your posts about her behavior before her A, and I don't recall her being up for Mother or W of the year then either. I would just let is slide off your back as more of the same, but at least she recognized that you were in "some" pain. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>That is a start.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Desiree, Susan, JL,
I am now understanding why it bothers/ed me so. Her appology is really not heartfelt, it is more of an appology for a slight or something minor.
Like, I'm sorry I took your parking place, and look how I was repayed for that, someone smashed into my car.<p>I see it as how a lot of us, me too, respond here to someone's post. "I'm sorry for your pain, but here is what happened to me." That's the kind of appolgy I feel I received from her.<p>I posted her appology a couple weeks back. It was weird and I couldn't explain it, it really didn't mean that much to me. It really floored me when someone posted saying it inspired her.<p>I think I will go back into Plan B as much as possible. We still have to deal with each other because of the kids, but I am not going to make myself availabel to her crap!

Hi RWD, my heart rely goes out to you, what a tough place to be in. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be in that position one day. I know the feeling when they WW don't see the moral value behind there decisions kinda give a watered down version of accountability....I look at you and think what if my wife wanted to come back on those terms, I would move slow just as you're doing....A broken person does'nt defend themselves unless they have reserved ideas and feel justified, brokeness opens you up to the Lord in those cases, she wants God to be a bigger part of your lives as she says, then let her go after the Lord, don't take her to church but go with her to church if asked....Cajunky is an example of a broken person willing to surrender all, he's not defending himself, when you surrender all, you surrender all, when you want to do whats right.

EC,
Thanks! I do not see any attempt by her to come back, nor do i foresee one in the future. That is her nature. Once she closes the door, then it remains shut. <p>She shut the door on our marriage along time ago. My counselor said 3 yrs ago she thought this was an exit affair. X was looking for a way to get out of the marriage and the affair afforded her that possibility. I think she became afraid along the way and that's the reason she married the om. When she regained her confidence, she got rid of him too.

I've learned something about apologies after my stbxh admitted to the affair. We had two friends from our church who also happened to be elders, counsel us for a while every week. They showed us a video of a man who was talking about his addiction to pornography and was also a renowned christian speaker. He said he was sorry over and over to his wife and really meant it, but, then would continue in his addiction. He told God he was sorry. but continued in it. The short of the long of it, he said that what he had was an earthly sorrow,(he felt bad,but it wasn't enough to make him stop or want to stop. Because... he LIKED what he was doing. What he needed was a godly sorrow. A sorrow that he realized how much pain he was causing God and with that realization he was able to break the addiction. <p>I think our WS's and even us a BS's for our part can say we are sorry till we are blue in the face and really mean it at some level, but, if we really don't understand how we are really hurting God then we may never change, because we like the sin too much. Oh well, thats my take from a spiritual perspective. I know if someone doesn,t have a belief in God or a real understanding of God the sin is often continued. <p>It made sense to me even in my own sinful life. The more I learn to love God and find out who he is the more I fear Him and don't want to hurt Him.<p>Keep taking care of yourself and be good to yourself.<p>Susan

RWD,
I want to thank you for sharing. Reading your updates helps me think through, and better understand my situation. My XH has been reaching out to me for a month now, after his A finally ended, and now he wants to be friends. I'm really confused about it.<p>Reading what you say about the hollow apologies is exactly what I feel I'm getting from him. And as someone pointed out above, that it's still all about him. <p>I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it. One minute I decide I need to return to PLan B - no contact, and THEN I think I want to be friends. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway... I'm not sure if I'm even making sense, but wanted to let you know I FEEL like i'm in a similar place, and it feels good to read and learn from what you are also experiencing and how you are handling it.

Faith1,
Its weird alright. I don't even feel she is treating me like a friend, it is more as an aquaintance. It almost seems like we don't have a 20 yr history together.<p>As for being friends, I really don't need friends I can't trust. That is how I feel, more power to you if can trust your x.<p>God Bless,<p>Bob

Hi Bob,<p>Discussions like you have had with your ex, puts your mind in a spin doesn't it? For purposes of getting back off "her lifes" merry-go-round and staying focused on your future, look what this conversation did to you:<p>"I feel emotionally drained."<p>"She asked how things were going with my g/f and hoped we were happy together and wished nothing but the best for me."<p>You have today and tomorrow. Yesterday is gone. Real easy to say, I know, our brains don't come with a shut off switch!<p>Let your ex get her emotional support elsewhere! I'd let that be the new rule, it isn't fair to your g/f if you don't set a boundary. Just a thought.....from a different angle.<p>You've done well!<p>Gayle<p>P.S. Happy Father's Day early! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Gayle,<p>You are right! I don't know why I let her praddle on like that. Thats why I am planning to Plan B, if it doen't have to do with the kids, then I won't be talking to her.<p>Bob