Just a simple question, but one I have been stressing over for several weeks now. Who is responsible for getting my EXH a fathers day gift? Me, the ex-wife BS, or the new wife who was the OW? I have absolutely no contact with her and I want it that way so I can't discuss this with her.
My daughter will be spending the day with her Dad. There are no other children involved. Let me know how other people handle this.

Just depends on how you feel about it.<p>I got nothing for Mother's Day except what the kids made/drew in school & day care. I didn't expect anything. My XH would never, and my boyfriend isn't responsible for it. He helped his daughter buy her mom something.<p>For Father's Day, I am going to help the children decorate a frame for their dad and give him one of my portraits of the two kids that I had done on Mother's Day for myself! Just because I'll do what's right and polite ANYWAY, regardless of what a $&%^ he's been to me. This is about the kids and their dad, not about me. If they want to do something for him, I'll help them.

Scifigal,<p>I get something that's from the kids. If your daughter is old enough, have her pick something for dad, and she can give it to him. He's still her father and it's your responsibility to make sure she understands that.<p>Sorry to sounds preachy, but the OW has nothing to do with it.

All I can tell you is the piece of work that makes up my exH did not help my kids get me a birthday present or Mother's day present for the past 2 years. <p>He thinks he's "showing me."<p>Problem is, my kids were devastated to not have anything to give me.<p>He showed "them" instead.<p>Don't do it for him - do it for your kids. They need to feel good about themselves - and having a gift to give their dad on his birthday, Christmas and Father's day - is one of those ways.<p>I got my daughter a baseball cap and puff paints and let her go to town decorating the cap for her dad - my son is going to take him fishing...simple, cheap...and from them, not me.<p>The right thing is not usually the easy thing.<p>Lisa

Thank you princess, idiotguy, and Lisa.<p> I forgot to think about my daughter. My love for her is much greater than my hatred for my exh. I made a mistake in April of not making sure my daughter had a present or a card for her father on his birthday. I honestly thought his new wife would take care of that. She didn't and my daughter was upset with herself. <p> Fortunately, I have a wonderful sister who always makes sure that my daughter has a present for me on special days. I would never expect my exh to use his money so she can buy something for me.<p> Thank you for putting this into perspective for me. Take care-Lisa

All the others are right. It doesn't matter how much you dislike the man right now, it's well worth the expense for your child's sake. <p>I usually give my children a budget and let them choose the gift. One year he got:
- a small candle
- a throw away camera
- a package of Oreos
all wrapped up in a nice present. I'll never forget them giving the marshmallow man Oreos.

Cinderella,
That was good for a belly laugh! Thank You-Lisa

scifigal78 <p>think of it this way:<p>how would you teach your child how to gt an appropriate present so that s/he learns how to do it for the future?<p>this is the best way, it makes the child feel good about contract with the dad, it teaches the child how to think and buy a present for someone else. . .<p>I take the kids shopping for Christmas for thoughtful gifts, for Mom's day and for her birthday. . . the kids have cards and gifts. . .<p>I, of course, get nothing to very little. . . but i am a better person than X. . . and this year, i am behind on the kids birthday gifts. . . <p>wiftty

Wiftty,
Of course you are right-I should think about the lessons children learn from adult behavior. Intellectually I know what I should do, but emotionally its not what I want to do! I am the bigger person and will act accordingly.
I hope you have a nice Fathers day, you deserve it.
As a side note- I am also an INTP who was married to an extrovert. I wonder how many other MB's had the same type of relationships with their WS's? Any research done on this subject? Take care- Lisa

My fathers day weekend will be spent all day both days at soccer games, either playing, coaching or refereeing. . . its the regional two day tournament and my team was seeded first in our division. . . i am the coach, and brought the team all the way from obscurity to the top, and then injuries, and one family didn't think that the team would make the championships, so they booked their vacation during the last two weeks of the season, and not i am without my best central defender. . .<p>my son has a broken nose from soccer in an uncontrolled gymn class. . . so he has to wear a plastic face plate, and can't see very well. . . <p>so we are doing ok. . . .<p>and if you look up some of my posts on the D/D forum here, you will find the odds of finding the "compatible" mate at mid life. . . .<p>wiftty

I wasn't going to get anything for my exH for Father's Day...but then I thought it would make me look petty--since he made a point of telling me he had taken the kids shopping and kept reminding them it was Mother's Day....SO...<p>Yesterday, I went to Hallmarks and found the greatest gifts<p>A college fund "ash" jar from my oldest girls---since he doesn't have any money or a job. A way for him to save his pennies. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>A coffee mug that says "I am praying for you daddy"<p>A refrigerator magnet that says "I am praying for you daddy"<p>A book of prayers--one side is written from the aspect of the daddy and the other by a daughter.<p>They are nice gifts---but very pointed. The kids are going to wrap them today. Solved my problem on how to buy a present for a man who gave up his kids and his family for a 28 year old bimbo. What kind of father is that? Pat

This is what my boys are doing for fathers day. <p>It it was left up to them they wouldn't do anything. My OS (17.9) would say dad doesn't deserve anything or I don't know. YS just can't come up with anything. <p>I was going to have them go through photos & have them or me more than likely make a scrapebook of their lives. <p>but I thought about my STBX, & the boys: so I threw out this option & both boys picked this. I am paying for (more than I really want to spend but they did very little for his birthday or christmas & he ended up paying for most of his Christmas gift) a 1/2 day river rafting trip not far from here. They should all have fun & it is one of those male bonding things plus even though I like rafting it is not something I really could or want to do with them.

Rafting's fun. I would LOVE it if my x would do something like that for the children and me. But he would never think of that.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>Rafting's fun. I would LOVE it if my x would do something like that for the children and me. But he would never think of that.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>For Christmas I did get a very nice bike so I could take rides with YS and OS could use also. Of course OS was using it the wrong way and bent the front wheel frame so I am just now getting around to using it.<p>Plus my bday is the end of June, so it doesn't hurt to spend a little money to get something back.<p>Really though I know the boys will love it. My OS & I would come to blows if I went with just us 3. Plus I only paid for 3, if OW tries to go the boys will be mad; if she doesn't go & wanted to go stbx will feel bad for having fun without her. I win all the way around. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] they didn't teach that evil in Bible class at dear ole DLC did they, JE?

Wiffty,
I am new to this site and had difficulty finding your posts about "compatible" personalities. The search option gave me only a maximum of 200 matches. I did read many of your posts on BPD. Guess I will have to start reading Jung.<p> During my post-divorce mental health research I have decided that the lables of BPD, Narcissist, and especially alcoholic can be applied to my exh. Sometimes it is difficult to separate these diagnosis!

Sorry about your son's nose, might be fun to decorate the face shield so it looks intimidating out there on the field! Lisa<p> Missouri,
I think I saw that book about prayers from a daughter to a father in the bookstore. I like the idea but my exh doesn't read anything but the sports page and calls people who practice religion "churchies". (Maybe because you can't practice adultery in church?)<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: scifigal78 ]</p>

On the Myers Briggs personality type issue, try www.personalitypage.com.<p>Some great books on the topic are:
"Nurture by Nature" about parenting
"Do What You Are" about careers
"Just Your Type" about marriage<p>All are by Barron and/or Tieger or a combination of those two names.

Cinderella,
What a great site! I have bookmarked it and I am going to send it to my friends. I took a personality test several months ago and discovered i am the "thinker". My exh is definitely the "performer". Lisa<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: scifigal78 ]</p>

Hi,<p>Our Fathers Day isn't until September HERE in OZ, but it IS Fathers Day THERE where HE lives...so I was in a funk about what to do about that, since it may be that all the dads over there will be celebrating and getting gifts...so I thought I might let the kids call on Sunday and wish him a good day.....but in September send some presents for him.<p>My plan for selecting the presents is to go to the stores with them, give the kids some money each and let THEM pick...and whatever they pick will be IT. Then they can wrap them, and even write on the parcel. I, like someone else above, do NOT think he deserves any reward for abandoning his kids...but it isn't about ME...it is about the kids and him. <p>Last year Fathers Day was celebrated at this time of the year, a few weeks before he left us. The presents the kids got him were left behind when he took his stuff. I guess he didn't think he deserved them then either [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] .

We did our shopping today. I gave the children the cash and told them to choose whatever they wished. They bought a video of 'Spy Kids'. S got really upset when the wanted to get him a Star Wars book that was $4 over budget and I kept asking if it was something his daddy would want or something s wanted. D made a card on computer and s wrapped the present.<p>They've gone to spend the night and all day tomorrow with their dad. I hope they have a good time.

My youngest son has never been to a major league baseball game. So for Fathers Day I ordered tickets for him and all 3 kids to go to a game.<p>We went to a store and bought peanuts and cracker jacks etc (ball game fare!) and wrapped it all up with the tickets in the bottom. The kids love "building up" to the actual gift.<p>It will be a special day for all of them (the little guy gets so excited about stuff!) And daddy gets to take his son to his first baseball game. (And it turns out to be on "my day" with the kids -- so I guess I "gave" even more)<p>And I personally hope they have a wonderful time!<p>My STBX is a great dad -- and he should be honored for that.<p>He also did some very nice things for me for Mother's Day.