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#72898 05/25/00 10:50 PM
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I'm on this quest lately and have found little feedback. I have realized that the only true way to move past the pain of double betrayal is to forgive. <P>This was fairly natural with my H due to his remorse, apology and unbeliveable comitment to helping me and our relationship heal. Now there is the problem of forgiving the OW. Now I may add incase you did not catch that this was double betrayal meaning that she was a close friend/family. It is hard to let go of the pain she inflicted on me due to unwillingness to show any remorse or apologize! <P>Yet there is this need to let go and move on. If forgiveness is to wish the inflictor all the best and cease all revenge......I'm lossing this battle. Although the hate is less vibrant, I still free angry after 13mths and my H and I recovering very well! <P>Hoping that someone may have some advice or experience. <P>Take Care, BECCA

#72899 05/26/00 07:11 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SAME BECCA:<BR><B>I'm on this quest lately and have found little feedback. I have realized that the only true way to move past the pain of double betrayal is to forgive. BECCA</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Forgiveness. Such a simple word to type, and we all say it so piously, reverently. But forgiveness has to be the most difficult action one can make.<P>To forgive sins.... and that's what they are, regardless of what brainwashing we've all been exposed to .... is so difficult that someone had to die on a cross to forgive ours. But did God forget our sins when he forgave them........ ahhhhh, this is the aspect of forgiveness that makes it almost impossible for mortals.<P>FORGETTING is the key. Forgiving, for me, has included sleeping with my husband again, being together on road trips again, being civil to each other, being sweet to each other. But the "friends" who betrayed me, too, I haven't even spoken to since "the incident". Maybe we can "forgive" those we loved before the "infaction." Maybe "love" is the only seed that makes forgiveness possible.<P>However..... without apology and the assurance that the "sin" will never happen again, followed with actions proving it will never happen again.....there can be no forgiveness. Now enter the world of TRUST.<P>I suggest that trust must be seeded, nurtured, and regrown before complete forgiveness can grow and bear fruit. That takes time and a great deal of effort on the part of all concerned. Once a tornado has torn through a field, does the devastation only affect the field?<P>The damage is done to those who tended the field, those who benefited from the fruits of the field, and those who were heirs to the field at its best who are now only heirs to ruin.<P>Time to work TOGETHER turning the soil, plowing the rows, planting new seeds of faith and trust, praying for warmth, light, and strength. Together, be grateful for the rains that will come and be joyful when the sun brings out new growth. Nurture the new faith, new trust, and hold each others' hand as you both watch your field renew. The once vivid pictures of the "sins of the past will be replaced with hope and confidence in what you've done together to restore what was once destroyed.<P>And who knows........ this may be a better crop than last year! <P>Good luck to you both. You are in my prayers.<P>Katherine

#72900 05/30/00 08:45 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SAME BECCA:<BR><B>I'm on this quest lately and have found little feedback. I have realized that the only true way to move past the pain of double betrayal is to forgive. <P>This was fairly natural with my H due to his remorse, apology and unbeliveable comitment to helping me and our relationship heal. Now there is the problem of forgiving the OW. Now I may add incase you did not catch that this was double betrayal meaning that she was a close friend/family. It is hard to let go of the pain she inflicted on me due to unwillingness to show any remorse or apologize! <P>Yet there is this need to let go and move on. If forgiveness is to wish the inflictor all the best and cease all revenge......I'm lossing this battle. Although the hate is less vibrant, I still free angry after 13mths and my H and I recovering very well! <P>Hoping that someone may have some advice or experience. <P>Take Care, BECCA</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

#72901 06/08/00 12:29 PM
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Becca, I am new here but I wanted to offer you some things that have helped me with this subject. First, forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling. Second, the act of forgiving is an ongoing process. I had to forgive the OW in my situtation because I felt very clearly that was what God wanted me to do. Here are some of the things that I did. I asked the Lord to show me her through his eyes. I asked the Lord to help me have understanding of the situation. I then chose to pray for her. Every time that I have an angry of hateful thought about her, I pray for her to have strength, that the Lord will help her in the pain that she is in about this situtation. The Lord answered my first prayers and I was given some insight into her situation and what she was going through. She spoke with me and told me she knew she had done something wrong and although she chooses not to quit the behavior, I know that she is being convicted. Sometimes my prayers for her are quite short and it is difficult to find heartfelt conviction, but it is getting easier to pray for her. Another thing that I came to realize is that not all of my angry hateful thoughts were necessarily from my own heart. The pain in my life just gave the ground necessary for my emotions to be used against me. I do not think that any of us benefit from being angry and hateful. It is a reaction to hurt. So, initially I began praying for her so that I could overcome the emotions that were damaging me. I do believe that has changed with time and I do truly feel compassion for her as well. Since you knew the OW and had a relationship with her as well, it may be easier for you to understand the things that brought her to the point of this betrayal. Take this to the Lord (not to her unless you are truly led to) and trust him to help you overcome it. This is for your sake, but it has helped me heal and continues to help me to deal with the hurt.

#72902 06/08/00 09:23 PM
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I'm on a similar quest related to forgiveness and second onedayatatime that forgiveness is first a choice and second a process. Great book by Sandra Wilson "Into Abba's Arms" has a section on forgiveness that is very poignant. I've found it helpful and hope I can better learn to forgive. <P>My situation is that my wife wants divorce to pursue her EA/PA. Hates me (her words) for the pain I've inflicted on her during our marriage (emotionally distant, she felt unloved). Will not forgive in spite of my realization of the hurt caused her, sincere apologies, and her acknowledgment of changes in me. I hope to forgive her affair, I hope that one day she will forgive my actions/inaction.<P>Ironically, just had an employee, a bright, hard working young laborer, quit my company. One of his supervisors, a loveable bear of a man and fairly close friend of his, insulted him jokingly. The initial episode certainly shouldn't have happened, but at the time both men acknowledged it as a joke and thought nothing of it. Two weeks later, the young man came to me and said he had decided to quit. Said the more he thought of it the more he was offended by the comment made, that it was festering at him, and that in spite of sincere apologies offered after he made his concern known, he couldn't forgive the other person. That he would rather quit a good job with great future potential than continue to work around the other man. <P>I can't help but think how many people, my own spouse included, are so unwilling to forgive. Is it in some way more comforting to carry a grudge? If so, for how long? Eternity?<P>What does lack of forgiveness do for you? I realize that this is a question much more easily asked than answered as I honestly doubt at times that I could fully forgive my spouse's infidelity. Solace in Scripture that "with God, all things are possible."<P>God Bless.

#72903 07/03/00 05:37 PM
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Forgiveness doesn't come all at once. It's a complicated thing. If you forgive instantly, it's a false thing.<P>Our counselor recommended some reading for me. My H apparently has no problem forgiving my past transgressions, he forgave them at the time and never thought of them again. (Sure he did.)<P>"Forgiving the Unforgivable. Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds" by Beverly Flanigan, MSSW and<P>"Forgive and Forget - Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve" by Lewis B. Smedes<P>At your library. It is helpful for me. <P>Bless you and stay well.<P>P.S. I'm still angry and stagger between fury, rage, peaceful acceptance, malice, hurt, confusion and back to anger. It's not a straight line. If it were a Field Sobriety Test I'd be arrested for drunk driving.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited July 03, 2000).]


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