Hey guys-
We got back from orientation last night. Everything went okay with my son. He was nervous and worried and I felt so bad for him but by the time he left he was happy about what he learned and that he got all of the classes that he wanted. <p>My H and I had a really good two days. It was awkward in the morning when he picked us up but things went okay as the morning progressed. If you would have seen us interact together you would have never....ever thought that we were two people that were getting a divorce. He ate food off my plate...drank my water...shared my chicken sandwich....made little jokes about behaviors that we both have.....it was fun....yet a little weird. In the back of my mind I kept saying to myself that i couldn't believe that we are getting a divorce.<p>On the way home we started to have a discussion about college money. What a mistake that was.....we had about a 45 minute argument. I then cried silently for the next hour and we still had over two hours to go. I was a mess because we fought in fron t fo my son. I apologized to him in the car in front of H.....and then we tried to move on from there.<p>After we unpacked the car.....I got him alone and apolpgized for being an idiot and he did too. We agreed to never do this again. I also talked about how he always trys to hurt me in a disagreement.....I asked him why he still feels the need to lash out and hurt me. We got into a lot of stuff....I cried almost the whole time. He cried when he talked about the kids. He still says that he didn't sleep with her before he left. The emotional affair was there.....I explained to him that we couldn never have worked on anything with her in the picture and I deserved so much more than that. I deserved a chance to fix the things that were bothering him. He said he gave me a chance....by saying things like "one day I am going to snap". I told him that we should have gone for counseling. He can't handle not having the respect of his sons. I told him that I am glad that I am not him. How can he not talk to them or see them everyday? He says that he can't sleep at night and feels suicidal. I know that he just didn't think that he kids would react this way. He tries to relate it to other people getting a divorce and a man meeting someone and the kids them meet her. I told him that this was stupid on his part.....if that's the way it would have happenend,things would be different....they probably wouldn't have liked it but, they would have accepted it better. Since he chose to have an afair and this woman helped to break up our marriage....the kids wants no part of her.<p>He is leaving for another trip tomorrow.....he can't pay my car payment....but he has gone on two trips in two weeks. He is taking her to meet his family and this is killing me. I tried to make him feel crummy by saying that this would have been a perfect opportunity to take the kids to see his mother and grandmother.....a road trip with them....but it was more important for the stupid woman to meet the family. My kids haven't seen their grandmother in over two years. <p>I feel like i got on that roller coaster again. I feel hurt all over again. I found out that I missed him.....conversations....just kind of being with him. We got along so good (up until the car episode).....this all could have worked out. That's what kills me.....he didn't try...he chose that stupid woman over me and 22 yrs. Of course he also brought up things that freaked him out about me....said that other people agree with why he left. It made me feel crummy about myself again. I am really struggling today. I feel lost all over again. It hurts so much.<p>They are alone for most of the summer.....i was right sabout his last trip....they brought her kid to where she used to live. We went awayalone for our 10th wedding anniversary.....that was the last time.....he is with her alone everyday....and now meeting the family....I can't stand it.<p>MAX

{{{{MAX}}}}}<p>I`m so sorry your feeling the way you do.. it is sooooo! hard at times like this.. I also remember that feeling oh so well.. like it was yesterday..the feeling in my throat for such devastation.. it seems to come and go now.. but it still creeps up on me from time to time.. more so when I have to face the bum.. <p>the old saying: one step foward and three steps back.. well the set back is a dredge, yes, but take those 4 steps forward again and pick your self up, and WALK TALL max.. he "IS" feeling the guilt big time from stating that he feels suicidal.. beleive me.. he is "still" confused. and spending time with you, will make him rethink about it all.. alot.. and the next few days he will feel as much emotion as you now do too.. he is NOT an alien, he is as human as we are.. just lost in a fog, that seems to never let up.. but when it does he is going to come around and state the wrong you so long to hear.. beleive me max.. one day your time will come.. I swear it will..<p>this is still so fresh and new.. not even a yr max.. you do need more time.. he may have an obsticle in your way, but he does have a brain, it may be in a fog, but realtiy does set in from time to time, and he is just like any other human being.. it is just that these things sometimes take more time for some then others.. <p>the boys are seeing the right way to be with you.. and they remind him of what was, each and every time they are together.. and that is what kills him the most.. as well as loosing thier respect.. it will eat him alove from the inside out.. and he may avoid avoid avoid.. but eventually he can not keep running..<p>"I" think you did great max.. you have to be your self, reguardless of what he thinks.. he must be reminded about what a wonderful woman you are, always, and never let him forget that.. doesn`t matter what flaws we all have, there is "NO" good excuses for this behavior, or bad choices.. he left.. he made his new bed, and now he is the one who is laying in it and living a life of PURE guilt.. and that will now stay with him for eternity.. <p>I have to run max.. {{{HUGS}}}}<p>go out and do something nice for your self today.. ok..<p>xox.........AV

You know I just wanted to post to you because I know that mood that you are in right now and it is so hard to deal with that. It must be so hard having to deal with your husband being with the other woman and basically throwing it in your face. My husband had another woman 1 or 2 I am not sure but now he is basically by himself so for that I am grateful because I know that obsessing and freaking out about him being with someone else will drive you crazy. I know that you need to forget about him and try to make yourself happy but I also know that that is the hardest thing to do. I have been with my husband for 19 years and I can't believe he wants to throw it all away because he says I will never trust him again. We can rack our brains trying to figure out what happened but I don't think we will ever find the answers. I don't know about you but my husband and I hardly ever even fought and I didn't know anything was wrong until the guilt started eating him alive. It is hard to deal with the fact that the person we have shared so much of our lives with can do something like this to us. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking about you and you need to think about something else today !! :] !! You know my cousin told me I was worthy to be loved and I keep hearing that in my mind.. You to are also worthy and you shouldn't be this sad !!!! Don't let the day get you down - go out and do something fun !!!! Try not to think about the situation...

Hi FeelingSoAlone: I am right there with you. Whenever I begin to feel really low I try to think about all our friends here at MB and know that I am not alone. <p>I know what you feel like because it seems like whenever my XH and I argue it's very easy for him to continue being rude to me. He'll throw things up in my face and just walk away from it like he has no remorse. I just stand there w/ tears in my eyes. Of course, i don't keep my mouth shut either but you would think that the hurt they've already put us through is enough hurt to last a lifetime and instead they continue trying to hurt us by being mean.<p>He is still w/ OW but we continued trying to do things together w/ kids for special events but I have figured out that it is not a smart idea simply because when we do get along great it hurts more at the end of the event when we both go our separate ways. So I put an end to that.<p>You know what I do to make myself feel better. I concentrate on my kids and exercise. When I walk outside to leave my home, I hold my head high and smile. I know I am a better person than the woman he is with. That's the way you have to believe in yourself as well. At least we have our self-respect. <p>You take care and if you would like, feel free to e-mail me. Good luck & take care.

Numbheart
THanks for your thoughts....I am feeling so down today. Maybe this down in the dumps feeling will curb my appetite! I have been snacking a lot lately. <p>I want to believe that my H will realize that he screwed up....even tried to talk to him about it. We were both such competitive people...in a good way...but now I think he is trying to prove a point....He was right to leave. Not to mention the fact that he backed himself into such a corner...how the heck could he ever get out????? <p>MAw64 and Dopey<p>Thanks for your input....every kind word helps boost my spirits today. I hope you both have a great day.<p>MAX

FSA,

Even though I have not seen my STBXW since she has left (not sure if that is a blessing or a curse). I find myself (such as the last few days) down in the dumps over everything that has happened in my M.

I find that just going for a walk helps sometimes. Also try to talk to some good friends when you feeling like your getting into a funk.
I also pray a lot as well... that is by far the best for me.

Sometimes though, none of it works, and that is when it is by far the worst.

Try not to dwell on it because I'm sure you know it will only make you feel worse than you already do. Try to think of something else to do that you enjoy doing and go do it.
I tell myself I'm not going to dwell on this anymore and I look for anything, anything, anything at all to do to take my mind off of it.
Most of the times I'm successful, sometimes I'm not... hence good days/bad days.

Hang in there, you will get your good days back.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Dear Feeling So Alone,<p>I was wondering how it went. Try to keep those good moments in mind...and let go of the rest.<p>It is good you both got to go to orientation for your son...that will be a neat memory for him.<p>It is so hard to let go....I have been going through the same type of stuff this weekend. Saturday night, all I could do was cry. But you know what...life marches on...and we can remain in this awful place...or we can face the possibility of a better future. Somehow, we need to encourage each other to keep looking forward. Be the best people we can be and find what is pleasurable to us. Life just goes by too fast to be in this misery any longer.<p>Max, I think we have to accept that we will never have what we had. Even if they eventually see the light--our relationship with our Hs will be changed forever. We need to focus on us right now and become what we want to be. The hurt and pain associated with wanting what we had--we have to let go of that--because it is no more. I am still not over grieving--I know that--but gosh, I don't want to stay in this rut. <p>I hope I don't sound preachy...but I am going through the same feelings and trying to find my way out. <p>I went with Meg yesterday and got her registered for her courses too. She is going to a really small private campus, not too far from here. Pretty big transition tho--she seems excited and scared.<p>That is how I feel too--excited and scared. I no longer have my partner, my support that I thought would always be there for me. But I am determined to get past this and still have a great life.....I hope. <p>Guess what I missed yestersday--my pre-op appt for my surgery on Monday. Oops [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
I think it is my subconscious telling me I don't want to have these operations on my feet.<p>Well, better run. I have a million things to do today. I am going to be off my feet for about 3 weeks--what a bummer. Wish I could have a lap top so I could at least write to all of you. Take care Max. Try not to sit and dwell on this past weekend. Take it for what it was...and pick yourself up and shake it off. Do something for you today....and try not fall too far this time. You did great!!! Pat

Max,<p>Don`t ever think for one second that he should have left.. not a GOOD!!! REASON!! in the world, to leave.. no EXCUSES...! he left willingly, with out trying to work on your relationship... telling you something in anger, like you pushing it, or what ever the example you left.. (I can`t remember now) was not A WAY of WORKING on a thing between you, both.. if anything he used his anger AT YOU, as a weapon, FOR AN EXCUSE.. <p>I don`t care how BAD THINGS GOT between ANY COUPLE HERE.. there is NOOOOOOOOOOOO! gooooooood! excuse what so ever.. unless physical abuse.. and even that can eventually be helped with anger managment, if whom ever is abusive is willing.. <p>thats the point.. the PERSON had to be willing, and unfortunately your ex has some one in the WAY of it all, to even want to work on it, or care to work on it.. as you have stated, and you are soooo! right.. if the OW was not in the way, you WOULD HAVE worked on things.. your absolutly 100% right..<p>I want to point something else out.. and I mean no offence to you or any one else reading my post to you.. but IMHO the courts can only do so much, when it comes to visitation.. you can state anything in the agreement, in writting, but as far as the courts go, once the papers are signed, and if things DO NOT go as stated, it is hard to enforce any of it, after all is said and done.. the courts do NOT want to be bothered with the BS that two people constantly argue over.. (and I`m not saying you argue.. I am just using a figment of speech..) but the fact is.. soooo many people in divorces dissagree with this particular issue, (child visitation) and it is hard to keep making sure every one sticks to his/her word.. and in reality, in the long run, things "DO" change.. kids, and peoples scheduals change, and kids do make their own choices, no matter what, in the end, (your kids ages any way) the little ones have no choice, but the parents wind up arguing, if circumstances change, and so the point is, every situation changes in time, and people should or sometimes must become more felxable.. it is inevidable.. and the D papers mean didily with in time, in that reguard.. <p>any way.. I know your feeling very down, and I know, nothing I say, or any one else says, helps very much at this time.. but I also know, your a strong lady max.. stronger then you give your self credit for.. and you`ve come so far.. I`m really very proud of you.. <p>I have come here and lurked now for almost 4 yrs max.. and I KNOW from my own experience, you too will be where I am some day.. and then you`ll be writting to some one on here, just like me, that you can relate to, and tell them to hang in there, because better days are coming.. <p>because they are max.. <p>you take care of YOU!!! for me.. ok..<p>AV

N-
Thank you so much. You have brought tears tomy eyes. You are someone that I have nevermet but I know that you care about me. It is such a good feeling. I know that I am just having a little bit of a rough patch right now. It stinks, but I am going to get through it. It just hurts! I would have loved to take a trip up north this summer. I used to live up ther all my life. He is going to be taking her to places that are my places and she will never even know it. I know that I am beating myself up with these thoughts. They are just tough to get rid of tonight.<p>You know what else??? If she would have seen us together the past two days......I just don't think that she would have been too happy. <p>I will be okay.....<p>Thanks again.<p>MAX

max,<p>my ex is loaded.. takes my daughter to nice/5 star resturants, buys her clothes "I" can not afford to do any more, goes away with MARRIED OW "AND" now his ex girl friend that he left, for me, and she lives in Florida, and so he gets to travel, and be free!!!!!!!! free!!!!!! free!!!! from any full time responcibility to a teenager that needs constant repremanding, because he lost (or I should say) never had any morals or values, or rules and boundaries, from being a spoiled brat all his life.. and so I get to ALWAYS be the bad guy.. the one who says NO all the time to things "I" feel are not right nor affordable in the REAL world to teach my daughter reality.. and how life is NORMALLY a struggle.. <p>my daughter knows what a jerk he is, yes, but being a child, she forgets these things, and he buys her love to amke up for his absence, his guilt and his love.. yes he loves her dearly.. but he is so caught up in his selfish mode, none of his actions speak loud enough for me.. he is NOT teaching her how to survive in this cruel and often hard world to live in.. ""I AM"" so ther for "I KNOW" when she grows up, and has a kid of her own, and a HUSBAND of her own.. she is ALWAYS going to look back and LOVE ME, AND RESPECT ME more.. for all that WE have been through together.. <p>when you live with some one, they get to see all the good from the inside out in you.. he will and is missing out on so much. and MY ex has a son from his first marriage that he left at the same age he left our daughter, and never NEVER never had to raise a teen.. he has no clue what BEING THERE for some one during thier time of greif, is like.. because he runs from problems.. once they surface, he can`t take it, and can`t handle it, so he runs.. <p>he THINKS and may be right, that living alone, he can avoid EVERYTHING.. but in the end, he will always REMAIN a lonely soul.. lost in his fantasy world, of fun and games, never REALLY lving a REALITY life, that is NORAMLLY filled with downs, as well as ups.. and unfortunatly, alot of men are like this.. they are only good in resolving problems, in business.. never emotional.. (and not all men, to those who may be offended reading this, but ("I FEEL" IMHO), more men, then woman are like this..<p>
any way.. we "ALL" beat our selves up over what should have been rightfully ours, and is now stolen, or given to another, because our ws can not DEAL with REAL problems.. <p>all our spouses ran from unresolved problems, weather with in them selves or with us, and total lack of communication.. that is the MAIN reason for all of this kaoss.. always.. there is no other excuses.. (to me)<p>any way... my point after this long post, is, I too still feel that the OW`s (in my case 2 of them) are with, sharing, and getting all the chances I dreamed of, and wanted and DESERVED to have, with my ex, as it should have been all along.. but he is too too toooooooo deep in his fog, to even see a glimps of lite.. they all have no clue, and make us feel like they`ve turned so cold, from what we thought they were at one time in our lives.. it is a real shame too.. kids miss out just as much, to a degree.. in my case, my kid is benefiting right now financially and always will have him as a back up, because that is who he is, the hero, her savior.. what ever I can`t do he does.. and she never knew and still does not know what a struggle is... <p>another yr, after his matinence stops.. she is going to get to see me, her loving mother truely struggling.. and I can`t wait to see what she thinks of him then, either.. <p>I have a dad too.. and he helps me too.. but he has always been the kind of dad that you pay back with interest.. very business like.. and I was always the kind of person with too much pride and did what I HAD to do to make it so not to have to ask for a dime.. but that was the way "I" was raised..<p>my ex was handed everything, and so the rest is "HIS" history.. <p>ok done now, just scrolled back, geez.. sorry this was so long..<p>gotta run
ttys.. bfn...AV

N-<p>Thanks for your post. I like long posts!!!! I have to keep telling myself that I am not to blame.....my kids are here for me and support me 100% and I have nothing to be ashamed of....and that I will get through all of this.....eventually!<p>On the othere site, Batten told me to not admit to him anymore that I had faults.....from now on if the subject comes up to tell him that "I was the best thing that ever happened to you and one day you will admit that and it might be too late." Basically that is it.....not exactly the right words that he used.....but the words meant everything to me. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I know it.....and you know what???? I know that he knows it too.<p>I am doing much better today. I got an A on my pre algebra test from last Thurs......I have a date with a wonderful young man.....(my almost 18yr old!!!)...and I am going to try to enjoy the day!!!<p>Love and hugs to you for all of your support.<p>MAX

Max,<p> CONGRATES FOR THE "A" thats wonderful..<p>and Batten is right.. YOU are the best thing that has happen to him.. and he does know it.. <p>my ex does too.. he just can`t admit that to me, face to face, due to the deep guilt he now carries around, from HIS STUPIDITY.. <p>he respects me more too.. his OW is "STILL" cheating on her H, and the one in florida, is just for play, because he is not GETTING IT regularly.. so it is a means for the male ego.. and thats all.. and he knows she will NEVER turn him away.. BECAUSE he KNOWS "I" have more respect and pride and dignity in and for my self.. <p>so yes these men KNOW they had good woman, what they left.. <p>I hope you have a great time with your son.. although no offence, I`d love to hear how you went out with the girls, or even a "DATE" [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know, I know, your not ready for that.. and most likely need more time to heal deep inside.. but in time, you`ll have to start some where and GET OUT!!! MORE!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] and when you do choose to do so.. you will see how much better life is, enjoying it with other people BESIDES your sons.. you feel the missing link to this new senario, and wonder why you did not do it sooner.. <p>well have fun tonight..
and your welcome max.. my pleasure..
AV

N-
My son and I saw Minority Report with Tom Cruise. It was really good! We enjoyed ourselves and had a nice talk about Dad on the way home.
I do occasionaly go out with the gals.....but they are all married and this is the summer and they are with their H's. As for a date....I think that I would if the right type of guy came around.....but where the heck am I going to find a guy anyway???? The pest control guy came last week to the house.....he is getting a divorce and very attractive....but that's my extent of meeting someone single!!!! Meeting the bug guy.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am not in any clubs...and so far no one is old enough in any of my classes [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !! I will not set foot in a bar to meet someone......so, any ideas???<p>MAX

Max,

I wish I did have some idea`s.. I am in the same boat as you, at thi age/stage in life.. every one married, and of course no one wants to get involved in setting you up, or they realy don`t know any noe to set you up with.. so it is hard..<p>I have only a few freinds too, and all married, and I love to dance, so going to a club is fun for me, because I literally do NOT go looking for a guy.. I go to have fun.. but I`m not against going ANYWHERE at this point.. just getting out is a plus now a days.. <p>keeping an eye on my D is a huge part of my life now, being she is so agressive for a girl her age.. but I do get some time, on the alternate week ends.. <p>I`m glad to hear that you do try and get out though, and not against meeting some one, "IF" some one does come along.. <p>I, my self have been internet dating for the last two yrs, of the three he is gone.. and met some nice men, just not any one I would settle for.. <p>I now have some one that I have been conversing with, for the two yrs, but we havn`t met yet.. but I know it is a possibility.. so it is nice just having him in my life, even though we can not get together as yet.. he is a rare and unique gentlman, that lost his wife to ms.. and really misses and appreciates marriage in a whole different lite.. he is humble and kind, and a purely sincere and REAL nice man.. but I a bit scared because we come from different back rounds, and were raised in a different envirement.. it makes my mind constantly wonder if we could really make a go of it.. but I am willing to try, so we spoke about perhaps meeting soon.. (to make a long story short, circumstances have held us off, all this time)<p>any way.. I have been looking more for a girl friend to go out with, and travel with, and at least live life to it`s fullest, as much as I can, so not to waist what time I do have left on this earth... and not having a man is not the wourst thing that can happen..

BUT it is hard to find a person that you really click with sooo well, that you can do that, over night.. but I am keeping an open mind, and also my eyes open to whom ever I meet, be it woman, or man.. as a freind.. <p>as usual, gotta run..<p>ttys..AV

Dear Feeling So Alone,

Hope your are doing better this weekend....I met two really great guys at Church....it is not really my church--but one that I have been attending because it has a lot of pep and energy.

One of the guys was only 32--which I felt uncomfortable with a little. It was fun tho.

The other man is a wonderful guy, very kind and caring. You will be amazed where you meet people--it happens unexpectedly. I definitely wasn't looking--but it is awfully nice after all this turmoil. Wish I was more prepared emotionally--at this point, I am still reeling from this past year and the divorce.

Anyway,
I did post to you earlier...outside of that, I haven't been on much this week--busy trying to get ready to be bedside for the next couple of weeks. Hope you are doing ok....Pat

Hi Pat,

I am doing okay...sort of. I rec'd a letter from H's lawyer saying he wants to take out the part in the divorce papers about my son having the power to say no to his Dad if he doesn't want to do something. I am , to say the least very upset about that. I can't understand what my H is thinking....oh yeah, I guess I can.....HIMSELF...again. He is now up north visiting his family with the OW. Could have taken my kids instead of her...but why do the right and smart thing when you have been doing stupid things all along.

My oldest is mad that he didn't even ask if they would have wanted to go....they haven't seen anyone in over 2 yrs. I think that at 14......you should be able to say no to Dad...he said he is not going to force him to do anything but he doesn't want it in the papers. He doesn't trust me.....how am I supposed to trust him??? I think that this man is so self centered......what happened to him? He looks different, acts different.....I think he is an alien!

Have a good day Pat! I still wish I was close enought to help you out with your kids......hey and meeting some new men???? That's pretty cool!!!

Take care!

Love
Max