Hi all, First time posting, hoping for some advice. Here goes:<P>My wife and I met 8yrs ago when she got transfered to the store I work at. We started dating and before you knew it we got married. We now have 3 kids (oldest is hers from 1st marriage, we have 2 girls together)<BR>We knew of the risks of being in a relationship and working together, but we thought we could handle it, so we both stayed in the same store.<P>BIG MISTAKE!!<P>It was about 5 years ago when she started getting to be friends with a male coworker. The coworker and I always got along, we worked together ten years before my wife came along and never had any problems. He is ten years older than me and I when I was younger, I'm 36 now, I always looked up to him, almost like a mentor, I learned a lot about my job from him.<BR>anyways, about 5 yrs ago he and my wife started becoming friends, It made me feel good that my long time coworkers liked my wife and made her feel welcome.<BR>Soon though this coworker and my wife were getting closer, she would come to work early and hang around his office, every now and then they would go to lunch, that didn't bother me to much because most times other people went to. (we all have different lunch times and days off thats why I wouldn't always go along) after awhile they even started going to the gym together. She always said it was a coincidence when they were there at the same time. I know that is Bull$hit, but thats another story.<BR>The closer they seemed to get, the more HE seemed to pull away from me. It was almost like it was easier for him to be friends with my wife if he didn't have to deal with me, like he felt guilty being close friends with my wife, but if we weren't friends it would ease his guilt.<BR>During this time his wife left him and my wife provided him with a lot of support when his was doing through his divorse, thus becoming even closer.<BR>I should make something clear, I really don't have a problem with my wife having male friends, but when the friend ends our friendship for no real reason,(I asked for a reason and he couldn't give me a straight answer, which told me there was no real reason)then I have a problem. I made it quite clear that it made me uneasy that they where friends. She always said that the problem was between he and I and we should work it out. Well there was no working it out with him. <BR>All of a sudden I was getting in trouble with the boss (he and the boss are tight), I had the union calling me telling me to watch my back because I was being accused of stealing from the store, The servalence(sp?) camara was turned toward my work area, ect. ect.<BR>It was clear that he was doing This to me. He has that kind of clout with the boss.<BR>After telling my wife of all these things that were going on, and questioning why she would hang out with a guy who was tring to get her husband in trouble, she would always say: "sorry, he's my friend". <BR>She would always stay away from him when all three of us working were at the same time, but when I wasn't there I'm sure they hung out together. I didn't mind. What I didn't know didn't hurt me.<BR>This last year has been real hard though, I found poems in here purse (yes I started snooping) that were in his hand writing.<BR>When i asked about them she did a lot of lying and dening. Every time I tried to get out of her where the poems came from she would get very mad, and finally threated to leave me. <BR>Last January I asked for a tranfer and got it. The whole thing was really getting to me. IT was like, what the hell, if it makes you happy to be his friend that fine, I'll get out of the way. again, what I can't see, won't hurt me. Sence my transfer we have been getting along much better.<P>Heres whats bugging me though.<BR>About two months ago I took a look at the Cell phone bill and I kept seeing this one number over and over, but just dismissed it as one of her girlfriends Cell phone number. Then I noticed Another number, I looked into it and found it was the coworkers home number.<BR>Both our cell and home phones have a redial feature where you can have the phone off, and hit redial to see tne last number called.<BR>I kept seeing what I thought was her girlfriends cell phone number. So the other night I got off work late (midnight) and when I got home I hit redial and there it was again, so in the morning I called it and HE answered. I was so bummed. I work swing alot since i got my transfer and I see either his cell or home number alot when I get home. She went away last weekend with our son to go see her brother graduate. She left early in the morning, when I got home the night before his number was there, so he was the last person she talked to before she left. When she was coming home she called me from her cell phone to say she would be home in about 1/2 hour. When she got home I got the cell phone and hit redial and his number was there, she got off the phone with me and then called him.<P>I just got home from my softball game, everybodys in bed and I hit redial, Can you guess whos Number is there?<P>any ideas what to do? I really love her, but I'm having a hard time with her sneakyness<BR>If I bring it up with her she will get upset all over again, but the fact that she is doing this behind my back isn't right. For the sake of our kids, we need to make our marriage work, but this is not helping matters much.<P>Its late, I'm going to bed, sorry for any bad grammer, I'm tired. <BR> <P> <BR> <P><BR>[This message has been edited by TimPaul (edited June 05, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by TimPaul (edited June 05, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by TimPaul (edited June 05, 2000).]

Hi Tim Sounds like you're in a tough spot. Telling your wife that this friendship was really bothering you should of ended their relationship but the fact that she has continued is worrysome. You could be really sneaky and find out just how far their relationship has went or confront her with your feelings no matter how upset she gets. Personally I think I would have to do some detective work myself to see just what their doing that she feels the need to be sneaky about. It sounds like you've been very patient with this situation and have every right to some answers from her. I really dont see anything wrong with you telling her you dont want her to talk to him anymore outside of whats necessary for work. Your feelings should be more important to her than any male friend, a girlfriend might be a different story. When my H and I first got married he told me he didnt like my contact with a few male friends I had and I cut off the friendships, until my H became friends with them. I hope things work out for you! Hang in there!

Have you told your wife that you are jealous? That you understand why she likes this guy because you liked him to, but that you can't deal with this? That you love her and need her and want her to come to you when she needs to talk? That you want to be her best friend and you just can't take being the number two friend in her life?<P>Tell her you snooped and redialed. Ask her if she loves you. Tell her you want to make things better. Beg her to stop calling this man because it hurts you, the jealousy is too much. Finally ask her to request transfer to another store.

Time to hit the infidelity boards! She is in a major affair and has been for a very long time. Don't know how physical it is at this time, but you have been fooling yourself for ages. <P>Why on earth do you suggest that her affair is because YOU and she work together? Isn't it because she and the OM work together? She should be the one to transfer to save YOUR feelings. However, she probably does not care anything about your feelings at this time. Only her own and OM's.<P>Start with NSR's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>post of general welcome</A> on the Just Found Out board. Then read up on Plan A and Plan B starting with the home page then moving to the forum.<P>I am so sorry you have to go through this. <P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Kareena shot you straight.

Ditto to what Karenna said. Sorry.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TimPaul:<BR><B>This last year has been real hard though, I found poems in here purse (yes I started snooping) that were in his hand writing.<BR>When i asked about them she did a lot of lying and dening. Every time I tried to get out of her where the poems came from she would get very mad, and finally threated to leave me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bad news, buddy.<P>Poems? Unless they had the word "nantucket" in them, your wife is having an affair, my friend. Karenna hit the bullseye.<P>Read up on infidelity here. Your wife needs to transfer out of that store, break it off with this guy totally (NO contact). You have a tough road ahead, but many have gone through this successfully.<P>FYI, if you want, I'm sure you could make his career very intriguing with his workplace actions and your wife. Ask an attorney. Karenna? <P>

If you want to go the legal route, be sure to talk with your union too. This other guy has seniority.

<BR>Welcome, your story has some similarities to mine (you'll find lots of others here too).<P>Agree with Karenna. Affair. The poems in the purse? My H used to write to the OW. Spent a lot of time doing it, secretly. I found one letter (snooping) and he agreed to stop writing.<P>Phone calls? Cell phone bill to the tune of $300/month. <P>Will write again. H coming to bed. It's been another Bad Day at Black Rock here.<P>Friday - I'm adding to this post. H is walking our dog. Have you gone to the Infidelity Boards? Welcome to a very unhappy club. Try to make friends with people with similar stories. It has helped me. Actually, we will never meet, but we post to each other and offer support. No way I want to go public! <P>Some of the people here have gone through hell but made it to the other side, some have won their wayward spouses back by using Plan A and some are in Plan B (read those boards)<P>Gotta go - they're back.<BR>Courage!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited June 16, 2000).]

Hi guys, I just wanted to let you know that I am here and have been reading your replys.<P>I honestly don't think she is having an affair. There just is not hardly any times that she can't explain her whereabouts, or what I should say she doesn't have to because its not often she goes out on her own.<P>She has always made it clear that she likes having male friends. The truth is though, she doesn't have (or had) alot.<P>She got to be friends with another male coworker, who was also married, and I really didn't have a problem with this guy because we were all friends. He showed me alot of respect and always kept a line of communication open between us. That made it a lot easier for me to allow them to be friends.<P>W just called, and is on her way home, I'll finish later. <BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by TimPaul:<BR>[B]I <p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited June 09, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR>[B][QUOTE]Originally posted by TimPaul:<BR>[B]I honestly don't think she is having an affair. >>>><P>Well......jeez, I think we all hate to be in the position of talking you into such a painful reality, but.....you find a poem in his handwriting in her purse and she threatens to leave you when you ask about it? Dude, what's that noise about? Were they love poems? <P><<<<There just is not hardly any times that she can't explain her whereabouts, or what I should say she doesn't have to because its not often she goes out on her own.>>>><P>What about this episode you mentioned: ""She went away last weekend with our son to go see her brother graduate. She left early in the morning, when I got home the night before his number was there, so he was the last person she talked to before she left.""<P>Could they have rendezvoused at night or something? You also mentioned they often lunch together alone.<P>I'm afraid you have some bad news ahead of you, my friend. Even if they haven't been physical yet, and I'll bet they have, it is clear that she is leaning on this guy heavily for some ENs. If I was jealous of a guy's attention to my wife and then he tried to get me fired, I would make damn sure she wasn't in contact with him anymore. <P>

TimPaul,<BR>The poem?!! The phone bill?!! The defensiveness and anger when you try to talk to her about it? At first I thought well, maybe she is complaining to a friend about her marriage to you, and that is why he is now uncomfortable around you, but everything in your post points to an affair. If you trusted your wife in the past, there would not be any evidence of absences, because you believe her when she says where she is going. Any trip out of the house could be an opportunity to meet him. Hell, a two hour trip to the grocery store or a mall can leave you with plenty of time to rendevouz. I think Karenna is right - go to the infidelity boards and read what others tell about how they found out and the way they were treated. I bet you'll hear your own story there.<P>H

TimPaul,<P> I agree with the other folks here that your wife is having a full-blown affair. My wife did the same thing with one of our co-workers and acted the same way (even the job part!). I wouldn't even dig for more proof , but I know you will. I had too as well. Just remember, the more you find the more it will hurt. Starting a Plan A assuming the worse is the best thing you can do. Oh yea, I think I should mention that you will be coming up on the big time lying and accusation phase as well. Take all the stuff you're going to hear with a grain of salt and understand that they need to say that stuff to help justify the affair that they are not having. Don’t let it drive you crazier than you'll already feel. Come to these board often, it will help. Good luck.<BR>

TimPaul...<BR> Really, whether she's having an emotional affair, or just edging dangerously close to one...what YOU do is the same. Work on a great PlanA...that means no lovebusters, meet her emotional needs to the extent she will let you, and work on being a great, fun, thoughtful person that anyone would love to have as a friend/spouse.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi<P>

i wonder if spouse steeling is a form of sexual harassment?

hi TimPaul<P>I know what you are going through I have been there and I haven't seen how things are going for you.<BR> <BR>Don't decieve yourself there is something going on. This behaviour is out of character for your wife. Making calls on the phone, going to lunch etc.<P>I confronted OM face to face and was told nothing was going on and then I felt I sent the A underground. The liars became worse especially her whereabouts.<P>My advice if you think you want it, don't do anymore investigating you have enough information you can cope with. See a counsellor now, to sort out how you feel.Go to the Doctor to get some antiDep.You may feel you don't need them thats your choice.You will suffer from stress over this life changing experience.<P>I never believed in taking any medication to change your moods and feelings. On a last resort and advice from others I began taking them. My moods changed after a few weeks and my thinking began to become clearer.<P>The A wont last because of the way it began. No relationship can be built on liars and deception.<P>Your wife will be thinking of what she is doing to you and the hurt she is causing you, before she goes to sleep at night and when ever she sees you.<P>You are the only one responsible for your on actions and feelings. Dont become involved in who is to blame and fault. This will be a learning experience for you and make it a postive learning experience for you alone.<BR>You may become angry over what is happening to your life don't let the anger consume you it will make matters worse.<P>Watch your children carefully. They will pick up on what is going on. Be there for them and dont discuss with them whats is going on for now.<P>Keep your chin up