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I noticed on another post that you married your current husband 31 days after your divorce was final. How long were you and your former husband separated? I take it you dated during your separation. I hear alot of advice on here to wait. Was wanting some input from you.
Thanks,
LLama
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Here it is, but first let me say that nobody has EVER accused me of being overly intelligent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> : I separated from my x in August 1997 and met current h on October 20, same year. I actually filed for divorce in November 1997, waited the 60 days, got a divorce on January 5 (I think) 1998 and married Feb 6, 1998. My h just took me by surprise...I thought that all men were worthless, selfish, cold-hearted b*stards but my new h is affectionate, considerate, complimentary...for example, if I would ask my x 'how was dinner?' he would respond "I ate it, didn't I?" New h: (without me asking) "Dinner was good, baby. I'll do kp." (Gotta love that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) Me: "x, let's plan a trip to Disneyworld with the kids for next year." x- "I might be dead next year." New h: "OKAY! I love DW." My advice, however, WOULD be to take it easy. I honestly sometimes felt that maybe my new h wasn't a good match for me when we went over the rough spots at first...but then again, if I hadn't been married to him, I probably wouldn't have been able to chip away all the coal to find the diamond underneath. I guess I forgot 'marry in haste, repent in leisure' but I am happy though it took a lot of hard work and patience to get here for both of us. (I know this is gonna be very hard for you to believe but...I;m not perfect either. --Shall I call 911 to get you some oxygen??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
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Joined: Apr 2002
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FMD -
Do you have children? How long were you and H#1 married? Don't know if you've seen my posts before. We separated a few weeks before our second anniversary - and now are going to get a divorce. My H has alot of demons to face and growing up to do. I care about him and love him, but I cannot be married to him anymore.
Since the separation, I've had a few "suitors" LOL. I don't want to date right now, however it does feel nice getting some attention.
I'd like to read some of your threads. Links?
Thanks,
Llama
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Sorry for butting in this thread.
The "experts" recommendation is to wait for 2 years after D to remarry.
However, I think it could be give or take depending on:
1) were you already emotionally D before final decree
2) how you handle your feelings & healing process (i.e. those that hold onto resentment heal MUCHHHHHHHH slower)
3) Of course, meeting the best guy.
My opinion...Enjoy your life without a man for a while--do what you wanna do, take care of yourself and process your feelings & healing, then go out and date and have fun!
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Thanks Milli -
I'm glad you butted in, lol! I agree with you. I think 2 years to marry could be long for some - but figuring you typically date a year before getting engaged and are engaged for a year - two years would be right.
I've let go of all the resentment. I am healing. I'm feeling good for the first time in a LONG time. My H has a long healing road ahead of him, he's running from his problems right now. I'm taking care of numero uno right now.
Thanks for your post!
Llama
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Llama, Yes, I have three children…the two boys were 16 and 14 when I divorced and my daughter was 8. Bless my hubby’s heart, he doesn’t care much for kids, abhors babies, never wanted kids of his own. He has taken my daughter as his own and is friendly with the boys. It’s been rocky but no more so than it is with any step-parent situation. He has become as much a dad to her as her own bio father is…in fact, my h will smoke outside because she’s prone to sinus infections and her own dad won’t. He is a selfish jerk. If you are unable to stay married, it’s really best if there are no children—it kills you to see them get hurt, too. We all have our own ‘baggage’ , I think. I do have the advantage of being much older and having had more therapy than my husband and sometimes I think it helps me guide him through some of the ‘growing up’. Not that I’m any great expert on anything but I can share my experiences. Love is just never enough---it’s necessary but it’s not enough. We all have different needs and wants. I agree with milli whole-heartedly…the experts might have just a little clue BUT they don’t know anything about me personally. I was married in 1979 and divorced in 1998. 18 and ½ years. I was divorced long before I filed legal papers. I divorced in my church (which is a separate process from a legal divorce) and I was divorced long, long in my heart. My x left me years before for a year and then he got sick and I let him come back out of pity and a misguided belief that he had changed and things would be different. I am sooo much more aware now—thanks in no small part to all of you. As for resentment, that had died many years before. I had no feelings for my x…years of neglect and rejection had killed them. I had also gone to therapy and just through life experience come to realize that I was worth more than that…once he actually said that having sex with me was a mistake…he told me twice that I wasn’t fit to say the name of another woman…called me “she-devil” and not in a kidding way…hit me now and then…rejected all advances for sf unless he wanted to… I knew that maybe I would never find someone else but as Willie Nelson says “there are worse things than being alone”. X always worked hours so he wouldn’t have to spend any time with me. I wasn’t married in anything but name. Any time we had sex, I felt cheap and used after and loathed myself. I didn’t love anything about him and didn’t like him, either. I could write you a book about how miserable a b*stard he is but , ah, the past is the past. Time to move forward. NOW, when this new husband became unhappy enough to pack up and leave…that’s another story. I cried until I was sick, then cried some more. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out and stomped into the mud. I ached, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t EAT, for God’s sake. And if I can’t eat, you better call the coroner cause I’m dead! He was distant when we talked and I thought it was over for good. I had a lot of begging to do and amends and promises to make. And it’s been hard keeping them but I’m trying. Three weeks of misery passed and we talked a lot and we decided to try one last time. That was in January 2001 and we are still humping (get your minds out of the gutter here!) along…like two old camels plodding through the desert. But it’s getting easier and smoother all the time and I’m glad we put the work into it because as milli said, he is the ‘best guy’ for me. I don't start many threads...I figure I like to 'hear myself' more than the rest of the world does, but here are a few posts. More of the sordid tale: Ya know, I;m looking but I ain't finding much. I'll post it later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
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Llama,
Someone wrote a while ago,
Divorced = Single
Separated = Married
Dating while Separated, but not yet Divorced = Affair/Adultry
I heard that you shouldn't begin dating until one year after the divorce is final. I'm planning to go with that idea.
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well, I do agree but ya know, sometimes Fate changes things for you! I never planned to meet my husband...it just happened.
Also, I was divorced in my church...that's what I care about. I revere the laws of God over the ones made by man.
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FMD,
I wasn't criticizing you, just passing along what I've read and heard from others. Your M has worked out. Many people who enter relationships quickly just moveinto a different set of problems. I have alot of work on me, and personal growth to accomplish. I can't even imagine giving another person (other than my wonderful D's) my valuable time.
This is a journey and a learning process. I want to be better equipped the next time.
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FMD - thank you for sharing your story with me. I do believe that things happen for a reason and that everyone's circumstance can be different when it comes to dating. I know for me, I'm not ready to go out in the world of singles, however that doesn't mean I won't go if asked out - mainly just to get out and do stuff with fun people I already know. Keep in touch!
Llama
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NEWLY, Sorry! Guess I'm just a little touchy about that because I really think I should have waited, too, if you want the truth. I didn't mean to be snappish. Llama, Anytime. I really think my h and I are 'meant' to be together. When he left me, the OW was deported almost immediately. And the stripper that had taken a shine to him didn't come around for the 2nd and 3rd week he was gone (I didn't see or talk to him the first week) and by the time she did show up, he was back with me. Then she moved away, too. Then his old hard-head got sick as a dog and nobody cared for him but me and his mother...but he still wouldn't relent and even consider reconciling. Then his grandmother died and I asked if I could go to the funeral with him and somehow, something changed in him that day. I like to think it was because his family treated him like crap because he was hurting me. (they like me--boy, have I got them fooled! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). Geez, this really does sound Like a Jackie Susann novel, doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
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