People keep asking me what are some of the things I'm lookin' for in a mate? I have some ideas, I wonder if I'm not trying to find Mr. Perfect that doesn't exist...anyway, if your lookin', what are you lookin' for?

ANNA

Good question. I think too many people cling to whoever they bump into first, rather than rationally thinking about the characteristics and attributes of the people they are hanging around with.

Here's my very short, very general list so far:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Flexible - I want someone who has a structure to their life, but isn't so rigidly unnaccepting of other ways of behaving that any little thing sets them off </font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Giving - I hope to find someone who will offer to help me, rather than waiting for me to ask for help </font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honest - Big one here. Gotta have 100% total and complete honesty the first time I ask, or there's no deal and no future relationship. This one isn't negotiable. </font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Respectable - Hopefully I can find someone who embraces the same set of moral codes that I live by with regard to honesty, monogamy, and major "rules" like that. I want someone that respects my views and has views that I respect. It doesn't necessarily mean that we agree on everything, but that we respect each other in spite of possible differences. </font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How does that compare to your list?

I have to "DITTO" that list! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

It's like that song...

If you wanna be with me, you gotta have a J*O*B

Seriously,
I need someone very special. The person I spend a significant amount of time with will have to understand that I have to keep [censored] as a part of my life. I don't know many people who are going to be able to get that one. In the beginning sure, but I bet it would get old pretty fast.

Anything else would pretty much fall into place I would assume. Someone that special would have all the other qualities I would like.

E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Here's my very short, very general list so far:

Flexible - I want someone who has a structure to their life, but isn't so rigidly unnaccepting of other ways of behaving that any little thing sets them off

Giving - I hope to find someone who will offer to help me, rather than waiting for me to ask for help

Honest - Big one here. Gotta have 100% total and complete honesty the first time I ask, or there's no deal and no future relationship. This one isn't negotiable.

Respectable - Hopefully I can find someone who embraces the same set of moral codes that I live by with regard to honesty, monogamy, and major "rules" like that. I want someone that respects my views and has views that I respect. It doesn't necessarily mean that we agree on everything, but that we respect each other in spite of possible differences </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is so sad is I was SURE that I had that in my marriage.

But......Here I am, WW filed for DV, after her 2 year A. Still maintains the A is over, and me with video....GO figure...

hcii

I too think that o2bsane has a pretty good list going.

I know this probably sounds trite but I would however have to add that new guy would have to have a personal relationship with God, as probably evidenced by being active in the church in some way - I now know that just going to church every Sunday and sleeping through the homily does not equal moral Catholic guy. Go figure.

Oh, and he'd have to actually help me pack for family vacations.......

And domestic support cannotr be one of his top 5 needs - I am learning to cook, but with 4 kids if wants a house that looks like a museum, he better be able to hire me a maid.

Oh, and I almost forgot - he'd have to want to marry someone with 4 kids......

K

<small>[ July 08, 2002, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>It's like that song...

If you wanna be with me, you gotta have a J*O*B

Seriously,
I need someone very special. The person I spend a significant amount of time with will have to understand that I have to keep [censored] as a part of my life. I don't know many people who are going to be able to get that one. In the beginning sure, but I bet it would get old pretty fast.

Anything else would pretty much fall into place I would assume. Someone that special would have all the other qualities I would like.

E <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Elizabeth, You are such a special person that I don't think you will have any trouble finding someone who will take B.head along with you. The guy should count himself so lucky to win you.

Not really lookin yet... but here's some ideas for what I plan on lookin for.

- honesty and openness - can and is willing to talk about anything (and is willing to put down the remote control to do so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

- He has to be able to make me laugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . This is big love bank deposits <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

- Capable and willing to make decisions, and follow through with promises.

- Will listen to me and accept my help, AND will offer help to me (an ear, advice, or assistance with tasks or planning)

- Give hugs and other affection often. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for asking Anna. Looking forward to other responses - including yours. Mr. Perfect doesn't exist. There's no perfect person - but there can be someone perfect for YOU out there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Sing,

Will you marry me?

You always say the nicest things.

Love you,

E

Just from experience having a list of attributes is nice and all, but....

I met someone about 9 months ago. He had some great qualities, like those found on above list, and also some not so great qualities.....long story short over the course of several months I feel in love with him...deeply. We are no longer together <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have met so many men during this time of knowing him and am even attempting to date one. This current guy fits above list to a T....he is a perfect candidate.....but....there is something lacking in the chenistry that was there with not so mr. perfect. I don't understand it myself. New guy is so good looking and attentive and kind and mr. not so is not as attractive and has fewer redeming qualities.....but quite literally he had me at hello. My head tries to justify all this mess but my heart is down there with fingers stuck in ears saying "I'm not listening...la la la la"

My question is.....do you stick it out with mr. fits the list man although passion is lacking or forgo a few top tens for someone who really ignites that inner passion?

So really my point is...having a list is great but sometimes the unexplainable passion/heart thing gets in the way or never appears. I'm really not hard to please, I just want it all!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Faith has some good ideas going there. I like the affection entry, and the laughter part is good too.

E, I have had a lot of misgivings too about the prospect of getting involved with someone and their baggage, whether that baggage is kids or pesky in-laws or whatever. And I worry that it'll probably be tough to find someone who will love me and my baggage. I think that a real manifestation of love is when someone accepts the person AND the baggage. There's someone that is capable of loving you and accepting your situation. And you're right, he'll be a special and unique one.

Hey all,

Wow! As I read I'm changing my list!

I'm heading for work so I will respond in more detail later.

I am enjoying reading and learning on this thread more than putting together my own list.

THANKS!

ANNA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My question is.....do you stick it out with mr. fits the list man although passion is lacking or forgo a few top tens for someone who really ignites that inner passion? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neither. Keep looking... You won't be happy with either one. It is obvious that passion should be on your list. Don't settle for less than you want.

There is a good book called "The New Couple: Why the Old Rules Don't Work and What Does" by Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee. It talks about the ten new laws of love. The first law is "chemistry", which you refer to as "passion". Chemistry cannot be worked on in a relationship. No one knows how to manufacture chemistry. The other aspects of the relationship (priority, equality, etc.) can be worked on. (Note to MBers: This is somewhat contradictory to Dr. Harley principles. I think that once you so "I do" you are committed and should work on your marriage, even though your relationship is chemistry challenged. However, when thinking about starting a new relationship consider chemistry.) The book has 40 questions to ask about what you want in a relationship. I recommend it.

Dr. Tracy has a list of questions for "qualifying someone". http://www.loveadvice.com/ARTICLES/QUALIFY.HTM

I am a male with 3 kids at home full time and I am having a hard time imagining that a woman would want accept me and my 3 kids.

When Luke Skywalker's X-wing was mired in a swamp on Degoba, he tried to raise it with the force. He couldn't do it. Then little Yoda raised it for him. Luke said, "I can't believe it!" And then, Yoda said, "That is why you fail." I guess it is time for me to work on my imagination.

Anna, I read this last night and wanted to sleep on it before I answered...

There are many things I look for..

1. Honesty and Openness not just with me but with himself..he has to be able to admit when he's made a mistake and forgive..

2. Someone whose yes means yes, and whose No, means No..and respects mine..

3. I want him to have his own relationship with Christ..and growing..and willing to grow more..
by that I mean..I want him to be able to go to church without me if I am sick or home with a sick child..and doesn't "need" me there with him
but still wants to go..because it's important to Him..

4. Someone who I can pray with and for..and have bible studies with..that we can share with each other what God has shown us in the scipture verses..and someone who will read the bible and study on his own..

5. Someone who makes me laugh...and holds me when I cry..and isn't afraid to cry and let me hold him during those times..

6. Someone who has some of his own interests and allows me to have some of my own..and some that we can share..

7. Someone who isn't afraid to ask for help or offer to help me..even if I don't ask..

8. Someone who when they say they will do something it won't take a year to actually do it
(unless its a major project that needs to be saved for..then I want to see that they are actually working to accomplish that goal)

9. Someone who is not afraid to share his past with me..and doesn't judge me or hold my past against me..

10. I guess it all boils down to one word..
RESPECT, respect for self, and for others..

This is my short list..and something I have given alot of thought too..I actually have a list written down in one of my journals..that I wrote down one night a couple of years ago..I should pull that out..and review it..and see how much of it has changed..

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Loved & Lost:

Don't settle for less than you want.

TR- I agree...don't settle for less..

What a great thread - thanks Anna!

**Honesty & Openness #1
I'd like a man who isn't afraid to show his vulnerable side. One who is completely honest and open to sharing his feelings.

**Make me laugh/smile
This is SO important - a great sense of humor.

**Vents frustrations and then gets through them - doesn't harbor bitterness. This is SO important.

**Can agree to disagree

**Giving without being a scorekeeper

**Generous and loving
Is affectionate - not afraid to hold, hug or kiss me just because.

**Holds family in highest regard - close with his family/parents/siblings, etc.

Well my list goes as: She would have to -

1.Love the Lord
2.Be confident in herself
3.Good looking, very attractive [nothing unrealistic, not necessarily a fashion model, just nice looking to me]
4.Romantic
5. Willing to stand beside me and not behind me or in front of me or under me.
6. Very warm, dripping with love, compassion and understanding, listener
7.Be an Entepeneur as myself or adapt to becoming one [even if its working from home]
8. Love my Christian Musician lifesytle and love christian music
9. Be willing to accept that I'm not a rollercoaster rider at amusement parks but love to go.
10. Able to agree and disagree, have her good moral opinions that I'd be willing to accept..
11. A dreamer with action
12. Honest,Trusting and Open
13. Willing to turn off, TV, radio,PC for 30-60 minutes and pray together in tough times or during share time of no outside interruptions, how ever often needed
13. Love to serve and entertain invited guest, equally
14. Able to accept the attention and the spotlight of success..
15. Creative with money, saving, investing and spending
16. A reasonable home decorator [not expensive though]
17. Like to plant flowers, yard work and a little gardening..
18. Take mini weekend trips [non expensive]
19. Allow me to participate in her endeavors

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Such good responses <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

This thread is helping me gain faith that there are good people out there. With plenty of hopes, dreams, and love... to share... with the right person.

After betrayal and divorce, that faith has been tested... YOU know....

Thanks again, Anna!

I want a beautiful blond with great big huge perfect round.......

EYES (of course) through which I can gaze into her soul.

Someone who'll go on those long lazy walks and enjoy everything around.

A person that I can talk with for hours about absolutely nothing.

Someone who enjoys curling up to a movie.

Someone who actually knows what "romance" is.

I could go on and on and on and on....

Oh, a cute butt doesn't hurt, either.

L&L - Just went to the web site and started asking myself if WH fits any of those things on the checklist since the A.

1. Honesty - No he lies to everyone now - kids included.
2. Responsible - Wants no responsbility including to his kids financial or otherwise. Wouldn't even consider going and have a will drawn up!!
3. On Time - Never let me know when he was going to be late. I was just supposed to accept that he was o.k. (now realize that he was probably late because of OW)
4. Lots of Old Friends and what Friends say about him. - Has no friends now except for Business Partner and OW.
5. Speaking terms with ex-lover, ex-spouse. - We are currently speaking but just because he wants to get through the DV and then I'm sure that will change.
6. Loving terms with parents and sibilings - Has no contact with his sibilings and as far as I know has had little or no contact with parents since October, 2001.
7. Financially stable - We always lived pay check to pay check and when he was unemployed or short work, I was expected to bring home the bacon, so to speak. No retirement fund set up in his name.
8. Take good care of Health - Still drinks too much but of course "He's had a hard day".
9. Gets along with my friends? - Always had some problem with the people that I would introduce him to from my work. Too loud, can't control their kids, etc.
10. Do they appreciate you?, Express feelings to you?, Willing to spend time with you? - If you call feeling like you have a maid and cook for you, appreciative, I guess, Was too busy expressing feelings to OW, and therefore didn't want to spend time with me. Wouldn't even commit to spending 30 mins a day on a vacation in February that OW and OW's H were on as well.

These are the first 10. The remaining 5 are actually for someone that you are not married to or committed to. I wish I would have seen this list a couple of years ago. Maybe my eyes would have been opened. I believe what you are talking about regarding chemistry to be true as well. I'm not even close to looking for someone at this point (need to get done with this one first) but I will keep these things in mind when I do start looking. Granted you can accept someone who meets part of this list, but you need to know which ones are most important to you and stick to them.
Have a great day - Sorry this is so long