Hello again all!

I haven't been here in awhile. I see there are some new faces as well as some old ones. I have run into a little bit of a dilemma, and thought to myself, whom better to ask than all those wonderful people that gave me great advice before. This is a little off the subject of Divorce. As some of you remember, I was the BS. My now exW left me for a over obsessive, egotistical control freak (but that's another story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I have three wonderful children: 12yo D, 9yo S, and 3yo D. I get to see them all quite a bit. So here is my little problem.

I met a wonderful woman that I have come to care for very much. I can truly say that I have fallen in love with her. She has one son from her previous marriage. We get along well, and seem to enjoy a lot of the same things. Our outlook on live, family, and relationships are almost the same. She is attractive, intelligent, independent, open, and a blast to hang out with. She has told me that she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. So what's the problem you might ask <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ?

Here lies the problem. I have three wonderful children. I have made the decision that I NO longer want anymore children of my own. I love my children very much, and am very happy with what I have. My GF, on the other hand is not sure whether she is done having kids, or if she might want more in the future. She is 30yo and she teeters back and forth on whether she wants another child.

We are both unsure as to whether we continue with our relationship till she decides what she wants (while I hope and pray that she decides NOT to have anymore children), or we take a couple of steps back and try to stay friends and see where that road might lead. I feel like we have gotten to a point where we can continue to grow together, and build a relationship that we can both enjoy as long as we can agree on the child issue.

Any input on this would be greatly appreciated. I am really unsure of where to go from here, and a little more light on the subject might help. Sorry this is so long!

Griz

Hi Griz!
I don't know you... but I thought I would chime my opinion in here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Being that I'm newly divorced, age 32, and no kids... I know that I may will to face these issues as I begin dating again someday. I feel that having children (my own) is important, but I also feel flexible enough that if the right man comes along with kids (or without), that doesn't want any more kids, I can go along with that. If he's the right man - I'll know it - and I feel like that issue will resolve itself. But that's just me.

How long have you 2 been dating? It was also unclear (unless I missed it) if she has kids already.

I'm afraid that if she really wants more kids, she may be unfulfilled and resentful down the road if she settles for "being done". It's also my observation that couples in their second marriage can share a very special bond by having a "we" child, in addition to the "mine" and "yours".

I believe this is a very important issue that needs to be agreed upon by you two. Time and patience may help you 2 decide for sure what's best. So, my 2 cents is to continue dating for a while - if you enjoy each other. Nothing too serious.

Keep us posted (and let us know how long you've been dating, and if she has her own kids already.)

Good luck!

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Hey Faith

Thank you very much for your input. My GF has 1 son from her previous marriage. He is not quite 2yo. So she is still in the beginning stages of discovering what it is like to be a mother.

We have known each other for a little over a year. Neither one of us is ready for marriage at this point, but it is something that we have discussed and it is something that we both agree could happen. I realize that if she really wants another child, and forgoes that to stay with me, there is a good chance of remorse and resentment issues coming up in the future. She has made the comment to me that she feels like she was meant to have more children. Not being a woman, I really have no way to relate to this. As a man, I wanted children, so I found a woman that shrared that view, and had my children (there was more to it that just a woman that wanted kids of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). So I really can't relate to her feelings of wanting more.

As for continuing to date, how do you plan and build for a future that at this point is uncertain? Do you push this is issue aside until the time comes to deal with it? Do you hope that you never have to deal with it? I am really unsure!

Thanks again for your input Faith1

Griz

Hi Griz,

I've wondered what happened to you. I'm from the same area you are. Sounds like you're doing well!

As far as the "what to do" question goes: I think I'd put things on hold until the issues get resolved. You've got a lot on your plate already with your own kids, and you don't need to have any more conflict over important issues. Personally I'd probably back away very slowly and let her know that she can make the decision and make plans when she's ready. I'm not sure that's the right thing for you to do, but that's my take.

Good luck!

Tough one old timer.

I think o2bsane has it pretty close though. Back away a little, give her some space to figure out what she wants.

You might want to consider a day off from work and a small procedure followed with bags of frozen veggies in your undies. That way you won't have to worry about the issue again.

Get that cringe off your face, at least you didn't have to squeeze a watermelon out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

E

My .02$

Condoms. (I hate'em but gotta use'm)

After only a year you can't possibly be ready to answer up to this. Relax. COMMUNICATE. If you 2 get something really going down the road she is going to have to deal w/ 3 more kids at some point anyway.. Deal w/ your 3 and her first.

If you do get hitched and you really, I mean REALLY love each other, and you both KNOW what it would mean, then I say have at it.

If you aren't sure then you are not ready.. And if you aren't ready to talk about it then you aren't even close to being ready got get married..

Tex.

o2bsane - Thanks for the input. I have been doing quite well. I Have gotten on with my life, and things are looking better than I could ever have imagined. I get to see all my kids on a frequent basis. The ex is still with the OM, but who cares as long as my kids are doing well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Thanks again.

Justthewife - Thanks E! I know that backing off a bit might be the better thing to do. Like I mentioned before, neither one of us is ready to get married. As for the little snip-snip operation, I have considered it, but damn needles scare me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Tex - You have a really good point. I realize after my last wife, that I really didn't know who she was. I never expected her to turn out the way that she has. Her values and outlook in life are so different than what I thought. I figure that if I am to do this again down the road, I want to make sure I know exactly what I am getting into. I sure don't want to find out in the future that I am with someone that is totally different from what I want and expect. That is one of the reasons we are discussing some of these issues. We won't necessarily have to deal with them now, but eventually they will come up. I just think it would be nice to know what to expect, rather than have them jump out and bite you on the a**! You are also right that we are not even close to being ready to get married. There are still things that we need to work out in our own lives before we decide to make one together. Thanks a lot for your .02.

Griz

<small>[ July 09, 2002, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: Griz ]</small>

Thanks again to everyone for the input. I will keep in touch!

Griz

Griz,
This is a hot topic in my life right now so I'll speak to you from the pov of a woman who wants children.

I am dating a man who is a difinite possible husband. The minute I started having "real" feelings for him I told him that I wanted kids. Much to my astonishment he is open to the idea. We are both a bit too old to start a family but it is my desire.
Anyway, I will be honest and say that if he was against having kids then I would probably back out of continuing a relationship.

The problem is that I wouldn't want to fall in love with someone and then have to break it off because our needs/wants weren't the same. I would rather not start a relationship than to have my heart ripped out again when it turns out that there is one thing that can not be compromised.

I hope this helps.
ASM:)