Quick background.
Married 11 years. 2 boys- 9 and 5 yo.
I am doctor just finished residency; she is teacher with Masters degree.
We don't have much money, and I am in fellowship so not earning doctor wages by any stretch. We do fine with both incomes, but I have doubts about separated.

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This is the last few paragraphs of this long letter explaining what happened. If you want the whole story then read more, but please give me your opinion on this question.

Anyway, my quandary is this. Should I move out? It would be easiest for me to move. She will still be the primary caregiver to our boys, even if we split the time just given our jobs. My counselor says that we need to do whatever is easiest on the boys. Reality is that me moving out would be easiest, but I am not sure that it would be best. The best thing for our boys is our family. She has no idea in my opinion, what she is asking of me or what she is doing in the long run.

If I move out, I feel that I am teaching my boys that dads run out in tough times. I don't want this divorce. I think it is a HORRIBLE and unnecessary thing. I think that the fewer and fewer times of trouble between us which I think would be finished in a few more months are absolutely worth not hurting our children with divorce. I think that she doesn't really understand the consequences of her actions and that she will realize but too late.

In some ways I want her to have to move so that she can get a taste of her life without me. I want her to see before it is too late just how fun being single like this is. I hope that with her moving out she would have time to realize the ramifications of her actions. If I move out, I think her life could remain relatively stable and without much difficulty. If I move she still has our house. (I don't care about the house). I care about my kids. I want to be a part of their life. I don't want to hurt my claim on them should we get divorced by moving out. I also hope that she would realize just what she is doing to her family and the pain that she is so unnecessarily heaping upon it, in time to avoid the finality of divorce.

She said that if I didn't move out she felt like I was forcing her hand and she would just have to file. She said that if I moved out the doors to the house would always be open, but if she had to move that I was slamming the doors closed. That is absolutely the opposite of what I want. I want her to feel welcome and loved.

Please help me with this. I understand this is a long letter, but there is so much involved for me. I will be trying to decide by next Monday. She is at a friend's house until then.

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She cheated on me about last Thanksgiving. I found out about it in February. I found out in January that she was having an EA with a different man locally. The PA was a one-time meeting in Chicago with a guy she met over the internet (I hate the Game Everquest). She was continuing her online affair via email. She also was having a separate, concurrent affair with another person she met in the game (just via email as far as I know.) So she was having three affairs simultaneously.

Before I found out about the PA I found out about the EA locally. She spent 6 weeks trying to decide whether she wanted to continue being married. During that time I realized my failings as a husband and began changing dramatically. She even said recently I was 100% better. I had not spent the time on my family nor showed the patience and compassion that I felt but was unable to appropriately express to my family.

She decided that she needed time away so she wanted to separate. The evening that I was going to move out I remembered for some reason that she had an email. I prayed and fought with myself about what to do. I didn't want to check because it goes against everything in my character. I was neither suspicious nor secretive my whole life. But I failed and I remembered her password she had told me 3 years before. That is when I found out about her PA. She had taken a trip to Chicago supposedly with her friends, but in reality she went alone and met this guy. She also drank while driving in the car and blamed her "friends" when she got back when I noticed the bottle caps in the floorboards.

When I confronted her with the affair we spent two days crying and accusing and venting. At the end of these two days she seemed to be truly sorry and asked me to let HER stay.

I love this woman and I love my boys, it took me about 30 seconds to realize that no matter how much I was hurting that my family was more important and that we could rebuild our trust and love given time. We were well on our way.

For the last 4 months we have been everything each other desired. Compassion, love, encouragement, patience. We would have problems crop up now and then which were difficult, but we would deal with them appropriately and move on with our newfound knowledge.

Then 2 weeks ago we were doing great, but she forgot her wedding ring. It was a stupid little thing that really hurt because she used to leave it on the counter before to hurt me. I had repeatedly asked her to take special care because it really hurt me when I saw she didn't wear it, what it represented, not that she was mine. I saw it and felt a rush of return of emotions and heartache. I tried to figure out an appropriate way to let her know how I was hurt. I chose poorly and taped it to our bathroom mirror and wrote in lipstick. "I told you how this makes me feel".

She returned from being with her sister and saw it. She was very apologetic and appropriate. I realized that it was just a mistake and she didn't try to hurt me. But I couldn't figure out why it caused so much emotion in me. I spent the next several hours thinking about it. She was loving and supportive and great. We had a great evening.

I continued thinking and realized that when these things happened, I would normally reach for my love of her and let that be my strength in our relationship, but that when I did that now the love while strong, was not the unbound 100% love that I had before the betrayal. About 2am I was lying awake and thinking about this when she awakened and asked me what was wrong. One of our new things is to ask and listen if we sense that something is amiss and the other person tries to explain so that problems don't ball up and blow, which was one of our old ways of dealing.

I explained the above thoughts to her as well as I could, but she didn't hear what I was trying to say, whether that was because I didn't say it in a way that more appropriately stated what I was thinking/feeling or her interpretation of the words. Regardless she heard me say, "I don't love you fully and I don't know if I ever can."

She didn't respond at that time so that I could restate what I was saying so she heard what I meant. I thought she understood me and what she heard was NOTHING that I meant. I realized when I was talking with her that morning that I hadn't forgiven her in my heart, I was trying to forget, not forgive. I talked about that with her the next morning and she seemed to understand, but still no hint that she had heard something so devastating as that I didn't love her.

Well over the course of the last two weeks she has decided that she can't take the pain of our relationship. She has talked herself into believing that there is no hope, in spite of her saying that She would never have believed we could have grow so well so fast and that the last 4 months have been some of her happiest. She is a type of woman with a somewhat preemptive edge. The "do unto others before they have a chance to do it unto you." kind of thing.

I have tried to explain, I have pleaded, I love her and that has never changed. Our children are going to be hurt so badly by this and I think she will be hurt incredibly, but right now she believes that I am the cause of all her pain and to cut me out will alleviate her suffering. She says she knows that our boys will be devastated, but that she feels she must do this. She is hopeless.

I love her and I love our boys, I truly believe that we are so close to a completely safe and fantastic relationship, but she wants nothing of it. She wants a divorce. I told her that I couldn't move out. I can't teach my boys that Daddies leave when things are tough. I KNOW that if she would just try that we can continue on with our relationship, but she just won't.

She says that I am being selfish since I say I won't move out. She says that I am just trying to hurt her and will hurt the boys even more. She agrees to 50/50 custody time with the boys, but I am not so sure that she would stick with it.

Anyway, my quandary is this. Should I move out? It would be easiest for me to move. She will still be the primary caregiver to our boys, even if we split the time just given our jobs. My counselor says that we need to do whatever is easiest on the boys. Reality is that me moving out would be easiest, but I am not sure that it would be best.
The best thing for our boys is our family. She has no idea in my opinion, what she is asking of me or what she is doing in the long run.

If I move out, I feel that I am teaching my boys that dads run out in tough times. I don't want this divorce. I think it is a HORRIBLE and unnecessary thing. I think that the fewer and fewer times of trouble between us which I think would be finished in a few more months are absolutely worth not hurting our children with divorce. I think that she doesn't really understand the consequences of her actions and that she will realize but too late.

In some ways I want her to have to move so that she can get a taste of her life without me. I want her to see before it is too late just how fun being single like this is. I hope that with her moving out she would have time to realize the ramifications of her actions. If I move out, I think her life could remain relatively stable and without much difficulty. If I move she still has our house. (I don't care about the house). I care about my kids. I want to be a part of their life. I don't want to hurt my claim on them should we get divorced by moving out. I also hope that she would realize just what she is doing to her family and the pain that she is so unnecessarily heaping upon it, in time to avoid the finality of divorce.

She said that if I didn't move out she felt like I was forcing her hand and she would just have to file. She said that if I moved out the doors to the house would always be open, but if she had to move that I was slamming the doors closed. That is absolutely the opposite of what I want. I want her to feel welcome and loved.

Please help me with this. I understand this is a long letter, but there is so much involved for me. I will be trying to decide by next Monday. She is at a friend's house until then.

Doc,

First off, welcome, and I'm sorry that you're here but it's a great place to be. I've only got a little time right now so I'll try to be brief.

I'm only going to address the moving issue at this point. You stated that she has agreed to a 50/50 time split or "shared custody" but then you also stated that she was going to be the primary caregiver which leaves me a little confused. For your boys, it matters not who moves out, point is that their world is going to shattered. Legally, I do believe that it can make some difference. I HIGHLY recommend that you seek legal advice IMMEDIATELY for multiple reasons. First off, find out it the court would view you moving as allienation (sp?). Second and more importantly, find out about the custody issues.

This is a time when you are going to have to try your butt off to save your marriage but at the same time try your butt off to protect yourself in a divorce. I can almost give you a guaruntee right now that anything that she's agreeing to is definately subject to change. My X and I had agreed to the whole 50/50 thing and then spent the next 6 months in a custody battle.

I apologize for kinda jumping around but there is so much to say and I only have a little time right now. Bottom line, walk don't run to get some legal advise. Do not move out until you have sought legal advise. Do not believe a single word out of her mouth about the divorce, remember she's betrayed you before..

And of course, read up on this site. Remember that YOU CAN't change or control her, however you can change and control you. Work on yourself...

Take care of those boys.

First off, LostHusband gave you some very good advice. You do need to seek legal counsel. I think in most cases the parent that moves from the home is put at a huge disadvantage in the court system (if it gets that far for you). I spent a couple of years in and out of the court room because of a long drug out divorce. You don't want that. I think you need to be firm in what you believe is right. I would just tell her that you do not feel it's in the best interest of the children to move and at this point you will not. Also confirm your love for her and your wishes to make the marriage work. After you've done that put your time and effort into yourself and your children. That in itself will give her a taste of what life would be on her own. Watching you live your life. Don't beg her and don't push her. Just be the very best that you can be and let her watch. Best of luck to you.

Confused.
Sorry but this is going to hurt alittle.

She wants to be in control. Period. The ring thing is a control issue. The "You move out or you'll force my hand" thing is a control issue.

If you move out and the door will always be open is a control issue along with being pure BU!!S%iT. What do you think will happen to the open door policy when she does something that you don't like and would question her about it. The same turned around on you. You got it, slam, and lock.

She wants her cake and wants to eat it at the same time.

I agree that you should without hisitation get legal advise.

As far as your boys are concerned. I disagree. If you don't think your boys are being hurt by what is going on right now, you would be mistaken. The same basic thing happened to me. Now I have an unbelievably good relationship w/ my daughter.

The point you made about wanting her to move out so she can see what its like was IMO is the hurt coming out. Believe me, it doen't matter who moves out you both will feel it. I don;t know how many time I've said to myself Jes' I'm divorced, why the heck do I have to hear this. Please believe me, it doesn't matter emotionally who moves out, for the emotional outcome is the same. It will hurt.

The 50/50 issue. It is never 50/50. The closest you can get is 49/51. She will always have the last say. Its all in how you deal with a given situation that will determine the outcome.

Sorry, but I have linited time to post today. I could be alot more tactfull. Please understand.

Tex.

I don't disagree with the advice to seek legal counsel, but in my opinion this is a case in which principle trumps legal issues. If I were in your shoes, I would stay. Period.

By leaving, you would be sending your children the wrong message and you would be enabling your wife's irresponsibility. Those accusations about your selfishness and your desire to hurt her and the boys are nothing more nor less than pure manipulation. She wants her way, and she wants you to protect her from the consequences.

My advice: don't even argue about it. If she wants to rail at you for your stand, let her do it. Don't fight back. Just tell her that you love her and that you can't stop her from doing what she feels she must do, but you will not help her destroy herself and your family.

I doubt that approach will fix anything in the short term. But in the long run, being a man of principle - a man who you can respect and who she will respect if she ever gets her head together - is never something to regret.