Ok...

(this was to be a good/happy post...
... I since found out my xW's motives... see later in this post]!)

Some of you know that my 19 yo son (stepson) came back to live with me... this Monday (3 days ago).

It's been hard on him...
...because he feels he has abandoned his mom...
...that he won't be able to see her as much...
...that life is just too 'changing'!

It hasn't helped that my mother (when she comes over to help with the younger 2)... puts him down and makes him feel like dirt... (all because of the violent episode back in November... that's when he moved in with his mom {and OM)...)

It hasn't helped that my dad...
...won't allow me in his house... if I bring my stepson...
...and my dad won't come over to my house anymore!

I love my parents...
...but they don't know forgiveness yet...
...I pray for them.
They need some reflection on... "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespress against us"...
...do they (or any of us) really know what we are saying when we say this?!...
...maybe we all need that reflection! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-------

Back to my son...
He's been distraught... about "losing" his mother again...

...he was told by his mom... for weeks... before deciding to move back with me... don't do it....
...that stepson would regret coming back to me...
...and all of these kinds of things... up until the very day he came home this Monday!

Today...

...he went out to talk to her...
...to ask if he could move back in with her...
...and she turned him down.

She confirmed (as my stepson tells me) that she will shortly (days or a few weeks at most) move into the nudist camp (see Nudism & Kids... II)... and so he can't move back with her. This is contrary to the months/years he thought it would take her to move to the camp.

She (his mom) did suggest that he find an appartment... get a full time job... and go to the local community college all on his own (she still has the $35,000 from his Social Security benefits)... but will not help him with any of this. My son is still confused on whose abandoning who. And still... after more almost 3 years of his mom initially leaving... wishes me and his mom at least lived close to each other... and that there was less animosity (from her to me). They (xW and OM) will be moving about another 30-45 minutes farther west... on top of a 90 mile drive they have from us now.

Pray for my son...
...so that he can see the good in his life...
...the time he has with his younger siblings...
...the friends he's had for years and years...
......who will go to the same community college he will be attending in September
...the closeness of this grandmother (on his mother's side) and aunts and uncles.
...the financial support he'll get by living at home... while going to school.
...being on medication (w/ antidepressant) and counseling helps too.

----------

With the confirmation of his mother moving shortly into the nudist camp...
...it makes my appointment with my attorney (coming up Wednesday of next week)... all the more relevant.

----------

Love to my friends...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

<small>[ July 13, 2002, 05:23 AM: Message edited by: NSR ]</small>

Jim - you have done so much for so many here. I remain indebted to you. Thanks!

I will pray for your son. Would you mind telling me his first name? However, I know God would know who I mean.

I'm very glad you are seeing the lawyer next week. Isn't it stinky all the stuff we have to go through sometimes? All because of other people's poor choices.

Let's here it for doofus and all his type - including your x - phffffffffffffffffffttt!!!!

Jim, I applaud you and your strength, your son is in my prayers. As far as forgive us our trespasses as we ... well it takes some longer (questioning my self as you will see in my new thread) and it is also a different generation. Time will heal, how much time, I don't know.... but I will keep you in my prayers. Lila

Thanks cinderella and lila140,

His name is Robbie (... he perfers Rob now...)

For forgiveness... as...
For everything there is a season...
...and a time for every purpose under heaven.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Of course I will keep Rob in my prayers Jim.

Can you please clarify for me? Is his Mother NOT allowing him to access his social security money or am I reading that incorrectly?

Thanks for the update.

E

<small>[ July 11, 2002, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: justthewife ]</small>

No...

When Rob started receiving the SS benefits from his late biological father's injury (while his biological father was still alive)...
...my xW and I agreed that all the SS benefits would be 100% put aside for Rob's college.

I, being the trusting one, agreed to her request to handle the money... BIG MISTAKE...

..and then over the 7-8 years the money was coming... she siphoned off the entire amount...
...I have the bank records (supeonaed)... that show it all... including movement of money from his "designated" account... to her bank account... shortly after D-day!
...as well as "misrepresentations" to the SSA n the required paperwork... on how much money was carried over year to year! She now is claiming we never made that agreement (big surprise?... NOT!)

It's very sad...
...and puts more of a financial burden on me...
...to make up for that money so he can go to college.

I've already spent $10K...
...on a school he gave up on...
...immediately after his domestic violence episode back in November.

But... as a late teen... he's got to get back to school! So in September... I'll be helping (paying) for him to get started again.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Jim,

What a sad situation for Rob! I worry about him. Depression at that age is NOT a good thing. It is hard enough for the BS to handle the rejection given by the WS, but doubly hard for a child. He is in my prayers.

You really need to have a heart-toheart with your Mom. You should tell her that her actions toward Rob are hurtful to YOU and may end up damaging YOUR relationship with her. This boy does not deserve to be treated unkindly by her. He is desperately seeking love and validation of himself.

Don't stress over the money. I have found that it has a way of becoming available. If he has to get student loans, then so be it, until the mess with the SS money is settled.

God love you for being such a loving persoin, Jim...

RMA

Well, just.... ACK!!! That poor kid!

Jim, what always comes to my mind when I read your updates is what an amazingly good father you are!! This young man will remember this, MARK MY WORDS.

Keep the faith, and know that you are an inspiration to many of us -- of course, me first!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Jim, you are always so helpful to all of us here.

But I'm siding with your parents about your stepson. If he's been capable of domestic violence in the past, and if he hasn't done his utmost to apologize and get help to manage his anger, I can understand why you parents would be leery of being with him. How do they know he's really sorry, that he isn't capable of more damage? Anyway, that's my take on it.

About the nudist camp thing, FYI, I used to belong to one, for years. Some families brought their children, and it was a family way of life. In Europe it's common to swim in the nude, it isn't erotic or stimulating when you're brought up that way.

But I have reservations about the "family" that your ex has formed and the wisdom of introducing the children to that lifestyle, with a "stepdad" rather than a bio-dad, at this late date. To put it another way, ugh. It's sounding very unhealthy to say the least.

Just my unsolicted opinions.

What I am upset about with my parents is...

...my stepson has started on medication 6 weeks ago
...as well as counseling (with a counselor of the same faith they are!)

...and has today(in fact)... started on a 40 hr/week job.

He's even been to their house (without me) over 2 months ago and apologized to them about the hardship he's caused, and for the violence as well. They only half-heartedly accepted his apology... and from what I see from them... it may be less than half-hearted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Rob is a good boy... moving toward early manhood...
...but like other ADHD children... the move to adulthood comes in smaller steps than for many others.

I have accepted his apology...
...I've been called by my faith to do it...
...of course I have had reservations... and worry about the safety of the kids...
...but if he can stay on medication (including the anti-depressants)...
...and the counseling too...

...he won't be a threat anymore.

-------------

Great to hear from you...
justthewife(E), Desire, ~Sheryl and Bellevue! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Hi Jim,

I'll keep Robbie in my prayers as well. My oldest is ADHD and it's sometimes very hard to keep that in mind---the brain doesn't work quite as quickly as the reflexes. I'll also say a prayer for your parents. And I might even slip in a word or two for you, old friend... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your wife seems destined for a big old crash. I wonder when it's going to come.

OK...

Stepson is openning up a little more.

When he went back to his mom's yesterday...
...he finds out...

xW has asked around the 'camp' for others who have hired attorneys... to get their children to be allowed to come the the 'camp'...

...and now she's going to use her severance pay (layed off 1 month ago)...
...to pay for one of these lawyers...
...(and most likely will postpone her child support payments to boot)!

When will this madness end? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

---------

Love to you all...
...you too good friend K.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Went to the lawyer this morning.

He says it is a certainty that the courts(in my state and county) will stop the children from going to the camp. He's not concerned in the least aboout lawyers from the AANR.

But my attorney recommended that he first send a letter and request for her to sign a "consent decree" (equal to the full weight of judicial ruling)...
...giving my xW a chance to voluntarily comply.

If not...
...supervised visitations (he recommends at the courthouse) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
...and to my surprise... he recommended asking the courts for sole custody of the kids... it would save on the angst of when I have to contact her.

Where would she take them weekend and weekend when she lives in the camp?!

No word (in reply) to any of my e-mails.
I'm not surprised.

Life goes on.

Jim/NSR

NSR:

Thanks for the explanation and details about your son. He sounds like he's making progress, taking positive steps, has tried to make amends, and doing all that can be expected of him.

Question about your parents: Have they always been pretty hard-line and unwilling to forgive, or is their stand on your son (step, whatever) unusual? Are they realistically concerned that he could hurt the younger children if he has a loss of self-control?

I don't know any of you or your family. I just trust that you are a decent guy and a good father and are doing your best to be a Dad to this oldest boy. So, are your parents the unforgiving type, or are they getting that way in their older years?

Sorry about your x's behavior. She sounds pretty deep in fog, even now. And sorry you have to put out money for an attorney, but what else can you do? The kids have to be protected.

Be well.

Hang in there Jim... This will be over soon.

God bless.

Oh hel************************,

Now my stepson tells me that the xW has already start exposing herself (partial nudity) to the younger children in her house.... during her parenting(???) time.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... there just aren't enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> faces.

My attorney suggests I verify this with the children...
...and I will tonight.
He also suggests that if it's true...
...to contact the county family court office...
...to request an immediate denial of visitations
...and/or immediately start supervised visitations!

Given the progress and pace of previous court matters...
...it should take one to two months before this whole mess can be considered over. Yuck!

She finally picked up the e-mail I sent...
...but no response... and I don't expect one either.

I really appreciate everyone's prayers and thoughts.

Love,

Jim/NSR