For you who have followed my story, you know my XH and I are pretty much back together and are discussing re-marriage next spring. He has broken things off completely with the woman he was seeing after our D was final and he hasn't heard from her in several weeks.
I only had 2 dates while we were divorced - with this guy who has been in our broad circle of friends for years (he has been divorced for several years). But, I continue to think about him. I can't seem to stop thinking about him.
I do love my XH and I KNOW us getting back together is what is best for our family, so why am I torturing myself with these thoughts of this other guy?
I walked by a cologne counter in a store the other day and smelled him (he wears CK1) and lost color vision. My stomach jumped.
I know this is the 'nervous jittery feelings' you get at the infatuation stage and WOULD NOT LAST even if I had pursued a relationship with this guy! But, my head knowing it and my body reacting to it is 2 different things.
What is up with me? Am I just trying to sabotage this reconciliation because I am afraid to trust, afraid of real intimacy with my xh? Afraid to get hurt again????
What is wrong with me?

If I were you I would take the marriage builders course. Every issue in the realationship is covered and it may come out that the two of you shouldn't get back together or you both have some issues to resolve. Do all this work up front because if you don't you may get married again to just be divorced a second time. If the two of you are open and honest about everything in the class you can make some great headway into restoring your family. Don't let physical attraction and cologne be the deciding factor. As much as it should be from the heart make sure it is the sound thing to do for your protection. Good Luck

Thanks for your feedback. I agree that no decisions should be based on physical attraction and certainly not pheremones! But, my question is really WHY am I still so drawn to thoughts of this other guy? For 5 months I thought I would do anything to put my family back together. And that is what I am doing. But, I am not as overjoyed and excited as I wish I were.

On another note, does radical honesty apply while you are divorced? I mean is it my 'duty' to inform my xh of stuff that he hasn't even asked about? I understand the rational behind a WS telling a BS about an affair even if it is over - if it occured during the context of the marriage. But, what I did over these last 6 months AFTER the divorce - I kind of feel like that is my business. I wouldn't lie if asked. But, do I have to volunteer?

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Wiffle,

Honesty, would you want to know if OW contacted your XH now that you are back together? would you want to know if he still thinks about her? something to consider when you think about should I tell..

Now, what did this other man do on those two dates?
he paid YOU attention..he didn't judge your past..
he showed he cared..what else?? what is it that he gave you in those short times together that your XH isn't doing now?? if you can figure that out..you'll see what is STILL MISSING in your relationship w/ your XH that needs to change to make things work...

I would be radically honest, and state the distrust, being hurt once was enough, and we need to counsel, and do the MB program. I would be excited that your husband is looking at you with eyes of marriage. But the eyes need to meet with yours, and then the marriage will be a loving marriage. Tell the truth, and tell him that youdo love him, but am afraid in the statements you made.

Oh Thorned Rose,
Once again you have hit the nail on the head. And I have been trying to figure that out - what is it I am so attracted to about this other man? What scares me is that the only thing I can come up with is not a very good answer. He is not my husband. He is 'new' and 'exciting' and 'an escape' from all the pain and hard work and tough stuff that my XH and I have to deal with. This represents a diversion (and a fun one at that) that comes with no mortgage payments, no troubled or sick children, no history of lies and distrust and debt, no anger and resentment... the list goes on.
I know it sounds just like what is so intoxicating about an affair. I have never had an affair. I AM NOT A WS!!! But, that is exactly what this feels like. And I am being selfish, immature and very careless to continue on this path.
I talked to the other guy yesterday and stopped by his house. We kissed and held each other and I felt like I was back in high school. I don't think my psyche can take this. I don't want to proceed with it and here I am at the office checking to see if he has sent me an e-mail!

The other part of me says - I am not married. He is not married. So, this isn't an affair. But, it is still a lie if I don't tell my xh that I am not ready for the reconciliation that I thougth I was. I know if I break off the relationship with xh and began to date this guy it wouldn't work out. I know it wouldn't. I would be back here in two months trying to Plan A my xh again. In the meantime I would have destroyed the trust (the tiny bit we have), crushed my children who are so excited about us getting back together and possbily lost him forever.

I know what I must do. I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

Hi Wiffle, while I agree with you and others that part of your EN's are being met but the reallity side of you know the relationship wouldn't last, thats good you know that, that makes it easier to end it. If you're planning to get married you don't want to carry any secret emotional relationships into it,it will eat away your marriage, you want to start fresh and fresh means "exposing" the level of the relationship with your friend to your husband. I think if you tell your soon to husband what happened being open and honest it will help you, sure your xh will get jealous, a little hurt and maybe angry, but you know the relationship is not real, its a fantasy....exposure is like throwing cold water on something heating up.

If you are not willing to end this fling, don't get married yet because you'll feel guilty once you get re-married if not resolved and put in the open..

As you said you are not a WS, but the path you're on you are setting yourself up to be one.

Also if this guy was a gentleman to your xh and you he would not entice you to fool around but encourage you stand strong and march back into your marriage with a sound mind and heart that would not do damage to you later,.. make's me concerned if he really cares about you at all, a true male friend wouldn't put you in a position to suffer later.....just be careful, if you see this person in the future you'll have shame to deal with latter if you don't end it now before you get re-married....

Having your husband and kids back together again is more rewarding than anything, put some of that fantasy into your new marriage...

Wiffle,
Hi. First sending you hugs due to all the uncertainty (sp?) you feel. I know due to my former OW status I am not always welcome here but your post summed up what I felt back in March.

See I had a MM who I saw for over a year. In the meantime I met another man who I fell in love/lust with. This man literally consumed me. I can identify w/ the scent thing. I swear I could sit and inhale him for hours. I also knew a real relationship w/ this man would never work. Yet, I wanted him.

My MM left home wanting to be w/ me full-time. Yet, I stalled. I didn't want to end it w/ the OM. In March, my MM left his W for good. I was finally free to be w/ him. I knew he would be good to me and my kids. My daughter worshipped him.

Finally after much thought I decided to be w/ him. I cut off all ties w/ the OM. For about 2 weeks I mourned the loss. I ached to be near him. I even considered meeting him behind my guy's back. In the end, I did what was right.

MM and I are getting along great. The fantasy part of the relationship is gone. However, a foundation remains. Yes we have the daily grind issues - debt, household chores, CS, visitation, etc. But we still take the time to smell the roses and water our garden.

It was not an easy choice. I still think of OM. I even dream about him - though not as often. I take comfort in the fact that I made the right choice. Initially I shared w/ MM that I was in love w/ OM. It hurt him deeply. Now I keep these thoughts to myself as they are few and far between and it would only hurt him.

I look forward to the day OM will not cross my mind. I was at Wild Adventures the other day and they played "our" song during the laser show. It hurt for a minute or two. But I was able to put it back in perspective fairly quickly.

I know my story is not exactly the same as yours. Congratulations on your upcoming remarriage. I think you know in your heart what you need to do. Believe me - it will get easier. OM used to consume my thoughts. However, I made progress. I now go a day or so w/out thinking about him. I have not contacted him at all and have moved so he can not contact me. If you are getting back w/ XH I would suggest staying away from this OM. Good luck to you. fs

Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate the fact that people here who do not know each other take their time and energy to read, commiserate, console and encourage this community of fellow strugglers. This MB board really gives me hope. Thank you again.
Couple of questions and some more info:
SOW22MM - Did you and the MM get married? Did he know at the time (last March) that you had been seeing this OM? What did OM say when you told him you were breaking it off? And finally, what is it with this 'scent' thing??? I swear, I totally know what you are talking about as far as saying you could 'inhale him'. It is nuts. But, true!

And Everlasting,
I agree that I am not sure about my 'friend's' intentions and how much he really cares about me. Although, in his defense, he has said if I think XH is serious and I can trust him that I should make the effort and go back. Next breath, he says he is glad I am confused because he really wants to explore a relationship with me - but he will only do that if I am 'free' to date him publicly. He is not interested in a clandestine affair. I am not 'free' to date and am not going to be and so that is pretty much that. Yet, we both are still lingering over one another.

Wiffle,

Sorry it took so long, but took the kids to park to go swimming. In answer to your questions:

First it was this March. MM knew about OM, however was unaware to the extent of our relationship. Needless to say he did not like OM - and the fact that we all worked together further complicated things.

Upon our moving in together we both gave full disclosure of our activities - NO SECRETS. During the first 2 weeks of living together I was VERY depressed. In retrospect, after reading the MB literature, I suppose one could surmize I was going through withdrawal. I would think about OM so much I would get sick - literaly.

I finally went and got a rx for Paxil. I took it for 2 months to help get over OM. It helped. However, I used to have very vivid dreams of him -a side effect of the med.

I hate to say I took the chicken route out. The last time I spoke w/ OM was in mid March or so. I told him about MM moving in. He begged me not to and hung up on me. He then called back and said he loved me and would see me anyway he could. I even contemplated having him over one day.

In the end, I decided against it. I changed my numbers and emails. I no longer work there and I moved so he could not contact me and also so MM and I would be equally invested in our home. I know it was a cowardly way to do it. Yet, at the time it was my only avenue. He had a powerful control over me. If I had stayed in contact I would have ended up meeting him etc. etc. This would not be fair to MM who is bending over backwards to make me happy.

It was and still is soooo hard. I had a dream about him recently which prompted me to call his #. I hung up after one ring. I am determined to make relationship w/ MM work which is why I severed all contact.

The smell thing. Huh, I don't know. I used to change t shirts w/ OM after he would leave just so I could smell him. Mmm... I don't know, but if you discover the cure let me know.

No, MM and I are not married yet. His D is in the process. He wants to marry the day it is finalized. I refuse. I will wait 6 months after it is final to do so.

Thank you for not discounting my opinion and comments solely based on my OW status. I appreciate that. Again, good luck to you.

I can say this. If it was not for the fact that I have children, I would have most likely stayed in the other relationship - even knowing it would never work and that he would ultimately break my heart.

If you have any more questions feel free to ask. fs

SOW-
That doesn't sound so much like the 'chicken way out' as it does the mature, responsible decision with your long term future (and your children's) in mind. That is why I know the route with XH is the best one for all involved. We have been through so much and there is a deep love and a very deep bond there. Also, there are those 3 absolutely innocent and wonderful children that we made together and who deserve for us to do what we can to keep our family intact.

Plus, I do now believe that my xh really, really loves me. I think he has been on a journey of his own over these past couple of years and we can now finally have the kind of intimacy and closeness that we both have always longed for.

I believe everything I just wrote and still I can't get this other guy out of my head. Maybe I just don't want to be happy. Maybe I am a complete sociopathic narcissist who only cares about myself? I sure hope not. Or, maybe I am just human and I have allowed someone else in and that is why we should honor the rules of protection - because this can happen to any one of us. The difference here is that when I allowed him in I WAS DIVORCED and my xh was involved with someone else! So, I let my guard down at a time when that should have been acceptable. And yet, here I find myself with this dillema.