I haven't generally been on this site, but am not sure if we're headed for divorce or not. My H. is out of the house and continues to lie about OW. He is with her in another city, took money out of our account to fly there and stay in a motel. She is also married-her H. has filed for divorce, she is also still lying to him. He asked her today if they were together and she said "no! he's in ***state' which I know is not true. My H. had her get the ticket and then he paid her cash and then OW went hoime to her H and said this is money I got from buying a ticket for some friend of her that went to Co. So she gave her H. money from my H. money that is ours! I know he is going to pay the bills but we had extra money from a loan we got and so now he's using some of that for a trip to see her. I am just so sick of the lies and deceit. I start feeling some hope because he tells me things aren't the same between them and they don't talk that much and then he goes to be with her. I mean I know how he feels about her, why does he keep lying?> Plus he waon't say anything about a divorce and hasn't gone to file and seemed upset when I was going to go to a lawyer. Which I cancelled, but now I may go anyway. He makes me feel sorry for him and I am always a sucker, so I guess it's plan B. for me cause I can't stand to see him now anyway. Maybe he'll come home and file himself. So, if anyone has any advice I would appreciate it, or anyone who has or is going thru this, I'd like to know what possibly to expect and if there is any hope. I'm just tired of it all. DBD

dbd,

Many of us on these boards have and are experiencing similar things to what you have expressed. Unfortunately I can't tell you if it will work out or not, only God can. I too have had to distance myself from WH and am headed to plan b as soon as certain arrangements are made.
The MB principle have helped as well as these boards.

I can feel your pain in your post and will pray for you and your family. I have not been on this board very long but welcome (sorry for the circumstances) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

God Bless,
D.

I guess I need to know if I should go see a layer yet? would it do any good? He went to a lawyer and they told him I'd get 1200 a mos. which would cover nothing. I am going to be going to school the end of oct, watching my grand child and trying to work 15-20 hrs and I won't be bringing more than 120.00 a wk. He says he will pay the bills and won't make it so we have nothing but I just get worried. I don't think he will, but if things escalate between her H. and OW then he may get sh**yto me too. He believes all her lies about her H. they have both rewriten history so bad and OW is really messed up. course my H is right now too. Yeah, there is a lot of pain-it just never seems to go away. I'm trying not to give up hope but just doesn't seem like there is anything left. I saw him Fri. night, told him I missed hima nd he said he missed me too and then the next day he is with her. DBD

Hi DBD
Welcome to the club...this site is very helpful and encouraging, if for no other reason than you realize you're not the only one going through difficulties of this nature. I assume you've been reading the posts, and books mentioned herein.
In response to your question, you may want to visit a couple of sites to get a handle on how the legal process works. I recommend divorcesource , divorcenet , and divorceinfo . They have links to procedures and laws for each state. It's best to be prepared YOURSELF before you visit a lawyer, but before you make the decision to spend $200-500 for that initial appointment, you will want to research a little on your own. It may help by answering some of your questions in advance.

I was thinking...maybe we should start an "Over 40" club for those of us who got slammed with this mess after we'd been married for so many years! It's not quite the same as some who were married for shorter periods.
Just remember, you're not alone. Use all the resources you can find! The support here is great!

dbd,

Sorry, I didn't really anwser your questions. Here are some suggestions

Have you had any sessions with Steve or Jenifer Harley?

Contiue in plan B or do a combo of last resort technique and plan A /B. That was discussed in a recent post (I think on GQ board - was it JR's thread? if not he responded so that might be a way to search for the thread)
That is a combination of Divorce busting techniques with MB

Pray and ask God how He wants you to view this, what does he want you to do?

Keep posting here

Ultimately, we have no control over another adult, even our spouses. The MB principles are for ourselves and hopefully as we change, our WS's change as well.

God Bless,
D

Thanks for all replies, to your question
have I talked to the Harleys? no I haven't but am thinking about maybe a couple seesions to see what feedback I get. My counselor is good but I think she thinks he is not going to change and I should divorce him. She is supportive and great but I need someone who has the experience the Harleys have. I have been praying, for myself and for him, I know he would need to do a total turn around in his life and attitudes and humble himself before God and me and his family. Right now he has too much pride to do that. He can act real sorry, and make me feel sorry for him,and that's why I need the no contact with him. I'm too easy on him or I fly off the handle and he reacts to me so I need a break from him. If we don't talk he will have no reason to lie to me. I realize I have no control over him, my problem is I let him have too much control over me. and my emotions. Cause he knows I love hima nd miss him. DBD

DBD,
If he is out of town and using family money, you may want to protect yourself financially and move some/all of the money to an account in your name only.

When my x first left, she took money out of our joint savings and moved into an apartment. I immediately split the account leaving her half(minus what she took out) and moved my half to an account I controlled.

I granted that she was deserving of half the money and thats why I left her half. She was free to do whatever she wanted with her half, but not mine.

When she filed shortly afet she told me her lawyer was mad that I was moving money around. I asked her what I was supposed to do, let her spend it and she said it was half hers. I asked then why couldn't I move my half since I had no imput on how she spent hers? I also told her to ask her lawyer what he did when his wife dumped him, did he just sit there?

Also by taking only half, it is not as big of a lovebuster of you take it all.

Hang in!

RWD, I need much more than half, he makes the majority of the money, always has and we pool all money together. He knows that I need more and is spending extra that we got from a loan, so isn't getting into money that goes for bills. At least not yet. But, OW has also been wasting tons of money on her end so they are both getting to where there won't be extra for the trips they and mainly her have been taking to see each other. They have to fly or else it takes her 12 or more hrs to get here-he hasn't driven there yet, but flew there this time. no easy answers I know but it is scary how much they change. He is definately not the person I used to know and if he never is again, then I won't want him back. No one we know can believe he is doing the things he is doing and then he doesn't want me to talk to anyone. Keep me isolated-forget that! Ineed my friends and family to get thru this and he is mad because no one is on his side. I think even his mother is getting sick of it. DBD

D-
I really think that you need to protect yourself financially. He should not be using joint money to take trips to see OW. We had temporary orders drawn up in the beginning...everyone told me to do it....for exactly the same reason that you have thought of......suppose he decides to be a jerk when it comes to money? The affair has changed him...you have seen it...you need to protect yourself. The money is the only thing that me XH did right. He felt like cr@p...so he gave me more money against his lawyer's advice. But you know what...it was the right thing to do. We figured out our own settlement. The lawyers had nothing to do with it. I think that they were shocked that we came up with what we did. My lawyer thinks that we will remarry. I thought that was a little funny, since it was said about 30 minutes before we got divorced;)!

I know that you don't want a divorce.....I didn't either! But it might be wise to talk to a lawyer so you are protected.

This is such a difficult time.....hang in there.

Max

Thanks for the reply Max- I think I will just to see what they say and see how he acts if he does call me. I don't know what to think half the time-he's mean to me, then he's nice, then he ignores me, and always lies! DBD