My wife told me a few weeks ago that she made a court date for August 7th so we can finalize the divorce. We got married last June 24th. I explained in earlier posts that because of a gambling illness that I suffer from, that I did not know I had until last November, she thinks she does not know who I am to be in love with me anymore. We dated for almost 9 years before we got married. She is my best friend and my love. With my gambling also came dishonesty about gambling. I would hide it from her and when she suspected I was gambling, I would make up lies to cover myself. I'm so stupid sometimes. I think that separation for a while would've been the right thing to do. But Divorce is the wrong thing. It's too soon! I am going to at least 4 meetings per week and meet with my therapist 2x a week. I am taking all the appropriate steps in getting my life back in order. I am doing this for ME! Although I am hoping that if I continue to do the right things, she will come back. Ever since she left, I have done everything she asked. She wanted me to do this, I did it, she wanted me to do that, I did it. I have tried everything to get her back. I wrote her letters expressing my feelings, I showed her how much I care about her and I showed her that I am very serious in my recovery.

I had to find a new hobby since I stopped gambling and I started to write poems about my feelings with my life with my wife. I am re writing them into a journal book with a letter and giving them to her tomorrow after court. Words can only describe how much pain I am going through and how much I love her. The only problem is that she doesn't believe words from me anymore. I feel so helpless like there is nothing I can say or do. I really screwed up my life. Do I smile tomorrow and look okay? Do I cry and look sad? Please respond. Thanks.

You show her that you're taking the steps necessary to help yourself become a better person. She'll see it.

Be strong and smile rather than sad and unhappy (even though you may feel that way)

No one wants to be around someone crying and appearing weak -- Act as if you are happy and content; it may make an impression upon her and if not you must still focus on yourself.

Good luck in court.

Frank1000

Hi, ANH, it's me again!

First, let me say that I am so sorry that you are going through the pain of this divorce. It is awful to feel abandoned and unloved--period. Keep going one day at a time and keep posting and letting us know how you're doing.

Second, I don't want to hurt you, but this divorce is going to happen whether you think it is right or wrong, so rehashing that subjest is just used-up energy right now...it's not productive. If you could argue a million points and PROVE that it is not right, nothing would change...it's still going to happen. Now, like I said, I'm not trying to hurt you more, but let's work together on accepting this, and how to proceed from here...

Next, you may have only realized that you have a gambling disease in November, but she may have seen it long before that...or she may feel, with all the lies that covered up the gambling, as if she never knew the "real you" and the real you is a gambler and a liar. As I said, I think she is trying to protect herself from being a young lady stuck in a marriage with a gambler and a liar, and those can be long-term, damaging diseases.

You are so right about one thing, she will not, NOT, NOT believe your words. Words are cheap and worthless--only ACTIONS count now. Only ACTIONS will prove to her that you are serious and you have changed for forever. There is literally NO room for slip-ups or little white lies. Furthermore, there is no room for lies of ANY KIND EVER. She already feels like the person she knew you to be was one big lie! If she says, "Have you been out drinking?" tell her the truth even if it is scary to tell her...if she says, "Why did you do this?" tell her the truth even if you feel embarrassed by your choices. The thing that has GOT to stop 100% is any kind of lying.

Finally, tomorrow is the big day. It is conceivable that after tomorrow the divorce may be final and your marriage may be over. That old marriage of lies and deceipt is dead anyway--so mourn it's passing and let it go. If you feel sad about it all, cry at court. If you feel okay with it, you don't have to cry. But either way, effective tomorrow, you can start building a whole new relationship IF SHE IS WILLING (she may not be willing!). It would be a whole new relationship built on HONESTY AND OPENNESS, not on covering up and lies.

After court, come here and tell us how it went, and we'll help ya get over it. You won't be alone, ANH.

CJ

You and Me, brother. My thing is so far gone too.
It's like wife and I are all of a sudden strangers.

It's all i can do to keep on track at work and life. I'm not the bullet-in-the-head kinda guy, so I put on the rubber nose a nd big floppy shoes every day. It ain't me though.

As cheap advice as it may be, keep looking and feeling good. It's all you can do.

Thank you to everyone who replied to me so far. I wrote my wife a letter and a few poems that I am giving her tomorrow. Please tell me what you think of the letter:

Through all our years together, I learned so much about my heart and myself from you. I really want you to know that no matter what the future brings, or how how physically separated we may be in our daily lives, please always know that I am thinking of you and that my feelings for you will always be different than anyone else. I will never meet anyone like you. What we had was so special and no matter what happens in the future, I just want you to know "I Live My Life For You" forever. (That's our wedding song).

I bought a nice journal book and I copied my poems in there for her to read with the above letter. I hope she cherishes it because my feelings are real and accurate in what I wrote. My feelings once meant something to her. I'm not giving this to her to try to get her back. I'm giving this to her to express everything I feel. I don't expect any response from her, I just want her to know, TRULY, that she is and will always be the love of my life. I'd die for her!

Please let me know what you think. Is anyone in the NY/NJ area? I'll keep in touch.

Also, I used to call her "sunshine" and I wanted to buy a few sunflowers (daisies) and put it on her car in her windshield. Is that too much? What does anyone think?

ADAM

Na, I'm in San Diego. (But relationship concepts are the same on each coast.)

Dude, I think the flowers and stuff might be a little desperatey much. Really, truly, the best thing to do at this point is to remain in control of your life and let her find herself however she needs to. I know it's tough--I'm in the exact same spot. But she's going to have to0 miss you and hanger for you, and she can't do that if you are nipping at her heels.

I don't know, maybe I am wrong. Maybe you should do everything in your power to win her back. It just doesn't seem to work these days. It's a one strike you're out world.

I'm sure your wife knows how much you love her. The best thing to do is make yourself as attractive to her as possible, and that means being manly and mysterious and strong.

Life doesn't suck as much when at least you are in a little bit of control.

Try to remember the only thing you have control over right now is you and your gambling. No matter what happens you do not have to go out and gamble. Keep working the 12 steps she will see the changes.