Just a vent. I just got back from a great vacation but spent half the vacation wondering where my kids were and the other half mad as hell because I found out STBXH lied to me again.

We are a bit less than 2 weeks from our court date for divorce and back when they set the date for the hearing, I warned him that the judge would not like him taking OW on vacation with our kids. There is a specific court order regarding no overnights with girlfriend while kids are with H for visitation. He had been ignoring this all summer as the kids would tell me Julie slept on the couch, or Julie slept with my daughter, etc. Trying to be nice, I have expressed my displeasure with this to him but have not taken him back to court or persued it legally. He only gets the kids essentially 4 days a month so what did I have to take after from him. I should note that I have requested that he see the kids at least one night during the week, but he has refused to take this responsibility. I'm not the one keeping him away. As many of you know, I even allow him to take them to school/summer camp every other week even though I don't have too. I thought it was good for them to see him more frequently even if it meant I had to deal with him on a daily basis 2 weeks each month.

For 2 months, I have been asking him what he and the kids were doing on vacation. Granted it is his time and I didn't have to know details. I basically just asked for a basic idea, beach, mountains, etc. No details, I just didn't want to call home 3 or 4 days and not be able to reach them and worry. I explained this to him on Friday morning when he picked them up for vacation and he said he understood. I asked again if he was going anywhere and he said no. I told him I would call them when I got to Iowa and he said ok (knowing all the time that they would not be home)

Well, I've had it . First of all to make me worry was stupid since I wasn't trying to pry into his plans. Secondly he took OW , her kid, their dog, and my kids to my favorite place in the world. Our last 5 family vacations had been there and he knows it was my favorite place and how much it would hurt me for his new family to vacation there. ( remember divorce is in 2 weeks)

He had made these reservations months ago and his parents knew about it too and they also lied about it. He even had our 11 year old daughter tell me that OW had to work and that they were going to the beach but Daddy had to spend the beach money on his new car..... Having the kids lie is just screwed up. They are torn enough as it is. They love him, I know that and want that to continue. However, he is thinking with his [censored] not his head. Is he so stupid he can't find another beach. Remember we live in SC where the coast line is about 7 hours long.

Oh well, I've vented now. I just can't beleive that I'm stupid enough to believe him. I hate this man. I truly do. I've decided that God is telling me it's ok to stand up for myself and my kids. That I won't be just being a ***** for telling the judge what he did. He has crossed a line.

Thanks for listening. I always feel so much better when I let out what I'm feeling. Guess I'll go home to another night of hearing how great of a time they had with OW on vacation. Oh yeah, as a final insult, I get off a plane after being gone 10 days, hurry to get my kids at my soon to be ex in-laws. She has kindly feed them supper, given them baths and changed them into their new Edisto Beach t-shirts. Several years we had invited them down to the beach as part of our vacation and never charged them a dime even though it usually cost us several hundred dollars more to get a bigger place. My MIL knew how much that place meant to me and when I pulled up and saw them in their new shirts, I just about lost it. I didn't think she would have the guts to slap me when I'm down but I guess now I know the whole family is a bunch of lying bas***ds who seem to want to flaunt their acceptance of H's affair every chance they get.

Lynn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I should clear up the date conflict for those who notice. The divorce trial date is 8/28 but we have a hearing on 8/19 for settlement. If we settle there we will be divorced then and not have to wait to the 28th.

That stinks that he took her and the kids to your favorite place. YOu have every right to want to "vent" about it! I just don't get what they are thinking! My XH took OW on my Las Vegas trip! It was a free trip....and it was right around our anniversary...so it was going to be perfect. Then he left and 2 months later he was off to Las Vegas. He also took her to my favorite restaurant....the one where we would go for special occasions! He took her one month after he left. I never could understand that! I remember being at that restaurant with him and the two of us crying when we talked about our son going to college. They are such jerks and they are just so thoughtless. They really don't have a care about anyone but themselves. Think about it.....what's the matter with his OW?? Did she know that this is where you used to go? It had to bother her....she must have wondered about the times that you have spent at the beach. It probably wasn't all fun and games for her (good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Your kids must have said things like...Mommy did this....or Mom like to go here! Hopefully it got to her a little.

Take care!

MAX

Actually, even though I've never met this OW, I expect she is very happy to assume my role as wife and mother. My STBXH is not very creative and hated to plan things. I'm sure she knew how many memories we had there as a family and she was hell bent to make sure that she started her own memories to out-do mine. As far as I'm concerned the next hurricane can wipe Edisto off the map. My dad bought a house in Garden City anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Oh and another thing while I'm on a roll.

We have been together 18 years now, since July 1984. The first 10 years we went to the BassMasters Classic fishing tournament religiously. Guess I'll have to make sure to take my new OM there, huh???? Of course I'd have to have a new OM, or an old one, heck just anyone!!! It's been a year today that I was told by the PI about H's affair. Guess I'm just a bit pissy tonight!!!

PP

H is also taking OW to exactly the same places I took him too. The way I feel about it is that he has no mind of his own. So to impress her what can he do take her to the places that he knows.

Did he come up with any new ideas and places. No, no, no. Let him be because soon he would not know where to take her too. Then the love busting will start. In my marriage I was always the one suggesting the places we should go too.

Also think about it...... whilst his there who is he thinking about YOU. So the tables has been turned now..... whilst he is with OW he thinks about you and OW is blissfully unaware of this. She does not know your memories and history.

So at the end of the day you win......

I know how you feel...my stbx took OW to our vacation home in Maine on our anniversary weekend! He takes her, her children, and their dog up there for weekend trips. It was supposed to be our vacation and retirement home! Now it is going to be part of our divorce settlement. Sometimes the fog is so thick they can't see the long term affects of their actions.
Hugs!
BH

peoplepleaser,

Ouch

Both for you and for me. This one hit a raw nerve in me. WH moved away then brings OW down to the beach near where "our" home is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I wish I could say something constructive but I can't at this point.

D

people,
First, I am sorry your in pain. Second, I am not offering my opinion to cause pain - just to give you a different perspective.

I have been living w/ my MM for almost 6 months now. I belong to another board and I recall not too long ago an OW who is now married to her MM was concerned about the fact that MM was trying to replicate certain things in their relationship that he had w/ XW including vacations, favorite furnishings etc. I am guilty of the same thing.

For example, in past relationship I was very found of going out of state to Ft. Clinch and to the beach at Amelia Island. I always had us stay at a particular place because it had a great view and was reasonable. I also took SG to the MOSH - a great hands on musuem in Jadksonville. In a small Georgia town I know of an out of a way steak house. It sets on the water and is very old fashioned. I took SG there. There is also a family bed and breakfast I frequent in Savannah.

I enjoy all these places. I took SG to them all several times - we were involved for 28 months. I have also now done most of these things w/ MM. I took him not as a slap in the face to SG, but because I genuinely enjoy them and wanted him and his children to see them too. People tend to enjoy the familiar. Yes, I could plan something new, but I already was aware we would have a great time at these places that I considered tried and true.

Yes, I have memories of SG and I there. However, that was not on my mind when MM and I went there. SG even introduced me to a couple of places. I have also took MM to a couple of those as well.

As MM and I have been living together for 5+ months, it would be kind of ridiculous for us to vacation separate. After all we have combined our incomes, our children (as much as we have been able), and our day to day lives.

My other board is down. I post there as fenalesargeant. I wish I could have copied my new thread here. I am very curious to get the BS perspective. In my case MM has a 1-year-old D w/ W. They have been separated for over 6 months. He also has one other child by another woman - he is 11. Generally MM has visited the D in marital home (at W's request) while she is at work - second shift. She called me recently and since I did not want her to know I was bothered that she wouldn't let baby over, I made an off handed comment about being grateful the baby wasn't coming over because I did not look forward to doing the whole diaper scene again - my baby is 8 - and that it gave MM and I time to connect one on one.

Well low and behold W calls MM and requests he get D for a few days. We had a blast and even had her on 08/01 - both my and her bday. I don't get how she all of a sudden flip flopped on us. However, we enjoyed the baby a great deal.

This week MM got his son. He called W and asked could he get D so she could meet her brother. His son's mother hasn't been the most giving in re: visitation. W stated NO. She stated it was because I would be there - we were going to go to a theme park for 3 hours. I offered to stay home - she still said no. We would not "enjoy" her D anymore. After she sent her over for several days???

MM then stated he wished for one day she would set her pain and anger aside. He stated that there are 2 children in the world that are related - please let them spend time together. Still her reply - NO.

A few minutes after he terminated the call a little girl called for him. He was in shower so I told her to hold on. Meanwhile I here the W in background stating "what did he say". MM comes to the phone. His W's teenaged D asked him could she go too. He asked me and I said sure. So D excitedly tells W she can go. W then yells you are not going anywhere. D yells back - but you said I could if he would let me.

I hate that she is using the kids this way. I know she is angry at us, but she also has a new man in her life. She and he have both admitted they were seeing each other prior to MM's dday. This other man is at her home 24/7. MM is a good father. He sees his D at least 3 times a week. He pays CS over the mandated ammt. Never late or missed a payment.

Just a question for the BS. I know you can not answer for his W per se, but when does one begin to set aside the anger at OW. I plan on being a part of his life for as long as possible. W realizes that when D goes through she will have no say in this - her own atty has told her so too. Why can't she be grateful that at least I am good to her D. I love kids. She stated I stole her H and was afraid I would steal her D too.

I told her I didn't steal H. I told her she would always be D's mother and I respected that - nor would I ever try to replace her or undermine her.

This woman is so petty. About 2 months ago I had picked out the D around 6 summer outfits as W had told H she needed more clothes - this in addition to the CS she receives. Well she really liked one of the outfits and had D's pic made in it. H later made off handed comment about a particular store I shop at and how I got such a great deal on that outfit.

Well W was so mad I had picked it out she destroyed all the pics of baby in it and threw it away. I picked out all the outfits and bought them. I am just like that. For example, yesterday while at the mall I saw the cutest patent leather shoes in baby's size. I bought them as W had mentioned that D needed a pair of Church shoes. Does it really matter who picked them out? Would the BS here be upset? She has to realize we combine all of our income. When he gets paid he just gives me his check. I pay all the bills out of that and combine the extra w/ my money.

Another example. This past Friday MM was in hospital having ekg and stress test. We always pay the CS on Fridays. She had called the night before and stated she really needed it. Well MM was not going to be able to give it to her - he was in H. I dropped it off at her job. I used to work there too and know everyone. Well because I had written the check in my handwriting (he and I have a joint account) she tore it up and stated she would rather go without than to cash a check that I wrote out??? What difference does that make? I really don't get it.

People,
As far as your MIL is concerned, I doubt she meant any harm in the kids having those t shirts on. I am sure she lied because your STBXH told her you would not approve. Cut her some slack if possible. Again, I did not post here to offend. I am really trying to understand. Good luck to you. fs

Lynn....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is a specific court order regarding no overnights with girlfriend while kids are with H for visitation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do your darndest with your legal counsel to make the court order stick. Court orders are implemented for a reason. Hope "their fun" was worth it.

I can just imagine what you must be going through. WS's are cold and cruel

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> his parents knew about it too and they also lied about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> What crap! Then on top of everything, have grandparental back up to this FOG and you haven't had the divorce trial yet!?!?!?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The first 10 years we went to the BassMasters Classic fishing tournament religiously. Guess I'll have to make sure to take my new OM there, huh???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whomever you COULD take, won't be an OM!!! Don't forget that!!! Great idea but I don't think you would enjoy attending, while starting anew, you'd feel sick to your stomach the entire time. New memories are in store for you, I'm sure about that!

On the lighter side.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would call them when I got to Iowa </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....I'd have loved to drive (I'm in Nebraska) to meet you, hop on your return flight and open a can of woop a$$ with you when you got home!

That was a vent of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Gayle

P.S. Please keep us posted on enforcing the court order!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In my case MM has a 1-year-old D w/ W. They have been separated for over 6 months. He also has one other child by another woman - he is 11. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this is Lynn's thread and I could continue quoting from this post....never mind.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

SOW22MM-

I'm with you Ragamuffin, I have a bunch to say about this posting that SOW22MM made but this isn't the place....needless to say I was very angry and upset after reading her post.

PeoplePleaser-

My xh walked out on me and my two boys last summer and our D was final the beginning of this year. My xh married the OW last month. It wasn't in our D papers about the OW staying the night when the kids were there but I did make it very plain and clear that if this happened we would be back in court and the end result would not be pretty. I am a Christian and I would not allow it, I wouldn't do it and he will not do it either. He is married now so I guess you would say it is legal in a way.

I was worried about my xh taking his new wife to our honeymoon spot but I found out he didn't and I felt good about that. He has already disrespected my in every other way imaginable, the least he could do was not take his new wife to our honeymoon spot. I guess that was one of the few brain cells that was left.

I know exactly how you feel when it comes to the OW being around your children and doing things with your children. It is so hard to accept but I am accepting it a little each day. I thank God that my xh's new wife is at least nice to my children and likes them----it was very hard to see that good out of the mess. I hate it, I hate it all, but I can't do anything about but learn to live with it and put my foot down where I feel I need to to protect my children. You do what you have to do to protect your children.

Everyone says it, but it will get better. A couple of months ago when I found out my xh was getting married I didn't think I would be able to get through it but I did and I still am. Make new memories for you and your children. Me and mine went on a mini-vacation a couple of weeks ago and it was absolutely wonderful, just me and my two boys. We started making our new memories and traditions last year for Thanksgiving and Christmas---my children really enjoyed it and so did I.

Kathy

I'm at work and can't take the time to respond to the OW's post now. In fact I'm not sure I want to dignify the post with a reply but knowing me I will when I get home.

Now what to say to someone who has been living with MM for 5 months and he has been separated only 6???????

Cut my MIL some slack??? Honey, you better hope I cut you some slack!!!

PP

Ok I can't stand it without saying something.

I did not say in my post that I was angry at OW. I am furious with my STBXH because he is a lying selfish SOB who has no consideration for my feelings or the conflict that our children feel trying to keep us both happy.

I do not blame the whore he lives with. I don't know her and as a christian, I shouldn't be judgemental. However, very clearly the facts state that she purposely and knowingly got involved with a married man and the good book that I read makes her an adulterer. We were not seperated at the time, I was not and am not seeing anyone, I was not a child-beater, drug abuser, habitual spender, drunk, etc. There were no excuses for her to say I was a bad wife and my H deserved so much better in her.

I don't like her. I don't hate her. I hate my H. She is the least of my worries. He will do the same thing to her one day too. They all do ya know so I'd watch my back if I was you.

Now I really have to go to lunch or I;m gonna scream!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

PP

You asked what your XH was thinking by taking his OW and kids to your favorite place? He was thinking of himself and himself only. He wanted to go there because he has enjoyed himself there. He knew it would make you angry so he didn't want you to know. I noticed after my D that my XH took his OW to all the places we went together. It wasn't because he wanted to hurt me. It was because those were places he enjoyed. I also have to wonder if while we are striving to look to the future, they are trying to reinvent the past but with a different person. They even rented a house that looked like the one we lived in together.
Believe it or not, some day you won't care where they vacation because you will have new memories with someone else.
Are you sure he asked your kids to lie? He may have lied to them and told them that they weren't going to the beach because they over heard him say they were and he didn't want them telling you.
Could be they didn't know they were going until they drove there.

You said it wasn't your business to know where they were going, but, it is always your business to know where your kids are going to be. You should be able to pick up the phone and get them any time you want. I would drive that point home to him in court.

It's the lying that really gets me.

Like I'm so stupid I won't notice the kids are 3 shades darker, peeling and have grey sand in their tennis shoes?

I've accepted the fact that he loves OW and will be with her. I've even choked on the fact that there is little I can do once divorce is final to keep them from playing "happy family" with the kids. However, I do not have to and will not tolerate being lied to, especially about stupid things. I point blank asked the question, are you taking the kids to the beach? Answer NO.

The reason I think my D was told to lie was her comment that "daddy didn't want you to know" Maybe she did make up those things to try and protect him and not hurt my feelings. It doesn't matter. He is still setting an example to the kids that as long as someone doesn't find out, you can do all the dishonest and immoral things you want, just don't tell anybody.

What's even worse than all the lying is the pretending he didn't do anything wrong. Last night he calls to see if I want him to take them to school today( yes in SC we started back to school today). I said no. Dead silence. He makes some small talk about Son being excited, yada, yada, I'm silent, he asks if he should come by Friday morning, I said no. I did say that I thought it would be better and safer if we just didn't talk until court. Yes, I got to use the ol' "see ya in court" jargon. I wasn't hateful just very cold. He acted as if nothing was wrong and I was still his bestest buddy and I should be happy to share the details of my trip, etc. Personally I never want to talk to him again regarding anything but the children. No even that really but I do have to be somewhat realistic.

I don't think he deliberately wants to hurt me. However, he does hurt me. His actions and his lack of responsibility for what he has done and his continuing respect for my ability to see right from wrong hurt me on a daily basis.

I put up with a lot of BS. I was willing to forgive the affair, move on and really try to work on our marriage. He never was. He knew what he wanted and I was just a causualty of it.

No I don't want him back, but I don't want him to feel like he can continue to lie and get away with it. I called the lawyer today and told his assistant about the trip. The lawyer has been after me for months to hire PI to get proof of OW overnights with kids. I basically ignored his wishes thinking it would do no good and just waste money. I suppose on some level I was still trying to protect him. I don't want the courts to deny him his kids. I want him to think of them first. Of course I know he doesn't give a damn what I want or think.

Yes, I agree he is a selfish SOB who only was thinking of himself. If it was OW's idea to go there than he is a spineless small balled selfish SOB who needs to grow up and quite letting OW boss him around. I've heard through some of his old friends that she makes him walk the line. I think it's kinda ironic.

I really do need to work.....

PP

It may not be too late to hire the PI. If he is telling you that he is going one place with the kids and goes another then you need to know this for your own information and the kid's safety.

I've been divorced for 8 years and it still hurts me when he lies to me because I have been good to him in spite of him having an OW...which of course wasn't an OW. He just happened to move in with her the night he left and it was all a big koinkidink...lol...

The one thing I won't put up with is not knowing where my son is when he with his father. I am still the custodial parent and his mother and if he lies to me about that then we are going to be in court making some changes. Perhaps if your STBX was told by a judge that if he conceals where he is taking the kids from you that he could be restricted to supervised visitation, he might straighten up. It's too bad he can't just do it because it's reasonable, but, if he's like my XH all the court orders and reasonable conversation in the world won't help.

Thanks Ticked Pink, Ragamuffin, and others. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks that he should suffer some type of consequence for lying.

I've been the doormat long enough. I felt bad about calling the lawyer but I did warn him and I can't save him from himself. He has to learn the hard why that actions have consequences. If not, he will continue to take advantage of me from now on.

A new development is typical for him. Kids started school today and H had told me that he registered them on Monday and bought everything on thier school supply lists.

Well, I get to school today and he has not filled out one form, paid one dime in fees ( even though I had written him checks before I left), paid for any lunch money, and to top it off our 1st grader didn't have crayons. Now everyone knows that crayons are a 1st grade requirement. Even if they weren't on this list(they were BTW), I would buy crayons just for the heck of it. This stuff is petty I know and I'll never mention to him what a complete idiot I think he is. However, I always feel better when I share with you guys. Thanks for listening.

I guess he spent all his crayon money buying junk at the beach. I now have 2 petrified alligator heads in my kitchen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is his weekend again and I'd better go throw some clothes in a bag for them. He doesn't even keep anything of their's at his/OW's house. It gets quite irrating.

One question... Does anyone know if it is appropriate to ask for an annual school clothing allowance. My child support is $128 a week and my daycare cost are $90. That doesn't leave much for anything else. Even $300 per child a year would be extremely helpful. I don't really want to ask and get labeled as a greedy scorned woman. I just want my children to have a few nice things for the school year and as we know, children's clothes are ridiculously expensive.

Apparently I have a phobia with packing. I'm doing anything and everything to avoid it.

Forcing myself to be organized!!! Help!

PP