Being the BS, I feel I was dumped, and my stbx says that I was not dumped. Why is it that many of us BS's feel dumped, and can't get that word out of our head? Just wondering, and asking God to help me feel past dumped! Maybe revitalized would be good, but doesn't feel that way at all.

There is actually a book called "Dumped" that I read - it's a short boook but it was great because it did summarize what I felt.

Definitely the one in my marriage who was "dumped."

K

When we returned from overseas I had to explain what had happen to so many people, it seemed I didn't go to the grocery store with out running into someone. Then I returned to the school where I had taught prior to our leaving, I had to keep explaining why I left, why I came back etc.

I basically said that I got traded in for the newer, younger, fitter model.

or that he hated his job, quite & went to live with his tramp of a girlfriend in ..........

but basically I got dumped however instead of people feeling sorry for me, I made them laugh

Try saying "I was too overqualified" instead of "I was dumped".

Disregard

That is the word for me and my family. She took herself above everyone else that she affected and then tried to find answers and reasons for her actions after the fact.

Yep complete and total disregard for me, our marriage, our children, and our/my love.

My wife doesn't have the decency to just say "Hey, there is someone else." She tries to blame it on everything that could possibly be deemed as a "reasonable" explanation for divorce, all the while hiding her affairs so that her friends and family won't think she is part of the problem.

Seems its a 100% vote on DUMPED so far! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guess I could say it laughingly to those who ask and say my stbx decided to find another married woman who has had for sure another sexual affair in her marriage with a minister and who knows what else she has done. Immoral bodies are what he wants, he doesn't want a body that was kept for one man only - my body for my husband only. But of course the sex was as he stated in his e-mails, (having sex with you munchkin was awesome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I vote for "discarded by default".

Dumped is how I feel, but in reality he is doing me a favor.

Chenille - a favor? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So hard when you know that you stbx is posting about you in a demeaning way. Of course SNL posted all those threads about me for months and months on Marriage Builders On how wicked I am, and how great his other woman is. Still told one of our kids weeks ago he still loves the other woman. He didn't care I was reading, didn't care the hurt he was hurting me. Still doesn't care, and demeans me in front of the kids. One son is still telling me I am wasting money on my lawyer. I know where he gets it from, from SNL. He was suppose to stop that, but what he tells the kids behind my back I can't stop. If you were to ask the kids what I say, basically nothing, just I don't have money for this, or I don't have the means for this, or I don't really want your dad here. I don't criticize him in front of the kids or put him down, just stating the facts as they are. I don't have money, cause SNL has not volunteeringly given me money, I have to ask for it, cause that is what he wants, like he repeadedly tells me if I cooperated things would of been much smoother.

Maybe not at first, but eventually I "removed" myself from marriage to an infidel (twice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

munchkin = gag

In shock - munchkin - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . What hurts about that word is that SNL used to call our youngest daughter when she was a toddler that name. She was very petite and soooo.... cute. I was sick to my stomach when I heard him call his whore that name. This is a man of no sense, and doesn't care about hurting anyones feelings.

I felt like a piece of garbage that he threw out his car window then kept driving and never looked back.

Then I looked around and saw the other "garbage" he had thrown out over the years sitting next to me on the side of the road. They included his first wife and her family, his daughter, his brother and sisters, his mother and father, our friends and my family, the first OW and her soon to be born twins by him.

He doesn't speak to any of this "garbage" either. The road is certainly littered with my stbxh's castoffs.

I know how you feel. We were thrown by the side of the road and left. Not even one turn of the head to see how we fell, or even if we were hurt. Yes, it hurts, cause all they care about is their OP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ! We mean nothing to them, we are devils in their eyes, they can't even talk nicely to us. They demean us at every word, action, body language. This is so unfair, but like others have said, they will get their payback in some way.

Yes, SNL pushed me on the ground once, hurt my weak arm, and didn't even look back, just took off. This is more of the same crap, control and who are we? They have a family? They have responsibilities? They have kids? They have committment? Only the ones with God in their hearts know what they have done is wrong. They apologize, and mend. Yes, we are trash, and if they could, they would light a match and watch us dissapear into ashes. With not one ounce of regret or sorrow.

cry2much,

If SNL is being physical with you, you NEED to call the police and get a restraining order. This is not to hurt him, but to protect you. One of these days, he is going to really HURT you and where will your kids be if their mom is in the hospital because their dad beat her up???

Call the police now...today. Yes, you are reporting after the fact, but you were too shook up at the time to call...too intimidated. Call a domestic violence hotline and ask for help with talking to the police and/or getting a restraining order.

Seriously--even if it was a month ago--call today!!! Protect yourself and your children from violence!! And don't kid yourself, that is exactly what it is...VIOLENCE. I don't care what you said to push his buttons or what you did to "make him" angry, he has no right to lay a hand on you EVER! PERIOD.

Okay???

CJ

Faithfulwife - Yes, SNL has abused me twice. There are 2 police reports, and also, I am counseling with the battered wives counseling, called First step. Yes, I have the violence wheel, and SNL fits pretty much 90% of the wheel. I see from the beginning of the marriage, and the dating process, how I should of seen the signs. It wasn't as strong as in the beginning, he held me captive in our apartment for about 6 months after the first baby was born. I couldn't leave to go grocery shopping, couldn't take a walk in the stroller with the baby, I couldn't do anything. I was also told to tell him who I talked to everyday.

So I am afraid of SNL now. I really don't want to be in the same room without someone else there. The anger he expresses is scary. He and his mother got into another argument just yesterday. She wanted to talk to him about a concern of our youngest son, and SNL was not willing to listen to her, which makes me sad. He has a great mother, a mother who listens, who interacts easily, and is a concerned grandmother. SNL would not listen, and flew off into his tirate and she just said to herself forget it, and dropped the concern, and hung up. SNL gets angry so quickly, so rapidly, and doesn't know when to stop.

Like at the hospital, I had to tell him to stop 3 or 4 times, and he continues. This is a big red alert to control. This man was oblivious to my feelings at that time. This man didn't once ask me how I was doing. I was scared for our daughter, and all he could do was yell, and criticize me, like I was a defective mother, and he hated me. Like the time in Atlanta Georgia, at the horse show, when I was following the ambulance which our daughter was in, and I was in the van. I called to tell him what happened, and he cursed at me, and yelled at me. Telling me what kind of mother am I, didn't I watch our daughter etc. Daughter is 23.

Anyways, I know that this is control, and this man needs to attend a counseling group for anger management. I still care and actually LOVE this man, but it is getting easier to say goodbye. I know that there will be a day that I will beable to say goodbye, without a sorrowful reaction. He doesn't have to work at not being sorrowful. He is already there, and has been there for a good year. He doesn't realize that I am not there, and it still hurts. But I must move on forward and let my feelings towards him subside, and let other things take over the feelings of love.

I don't get the statements of you are a good person Thinker, you are a wonderful woman, you are beautiful, and a loving great mother. SNL won't give that to me, and I know that now. He was able to give it to a woman who was deceitful and a liar. Maybe one day SNL will realize he was playing with fire, and that I am a good person. Hopefully by that time it will be too late for feelings of love to enter my heart.

SNL needs lots of counseling, this has been stated by 3 counselor, psychiatrist. Maybe one day SNL will realize that what he says is not Gods word. That he is a failure like all of us, and that he needs to get the control out of his system. If he continues on the same path he has been on for all these years, and severely for the last 2 years, he will fail and become an old lonely man. He doesn't have a good repore with the kids. I wish he did, but he is selfish, and shows little concern. Our oldest son and I and his grandmother had a good conversation today. He was receptive to our words, and this kid has a great head on his shoulders. I really enjoy my kids and I enjoy seeing them going on their own and trying different avenues.

A mothers love is so great and strong. SNL's mother loves her son, but does not love this man with who he is now. She loves him, but hates his actions, and words. A mother will always love their children, it amazes me that the fathers can just toss their loved ones away, and move on.

I wonder how many kids of divorces feel dumped and lied to? Affairs, effect all ages. Learned through the psychiatrist that all our kids have been damaged by SNL's affair. The trust issue, is something that they are probably puzzled with. After all, their father was the one that they looked up to for support, and idealism. Now that their father faltered and let a promiscous woman get SNL into bed, many questions are probably entering their mind of how and why. What the psychiatrist is saying too is that if their dad were to marry again, what says he won't do it again. Cause the statistics show that once a person commits an affair, the chances of another affair are 90%. Look at SNL's OW, she had 2 sexual affairs, and 1 exposing her body, and who knows what else. She loved to talk on the phone, hated to work, and loved to spend hours and hours talking to people. Maybe if she had used more of her energy to find a job, and make some money, she would of found a different path to get rewards. Instead of finding men on the internet, or pastors or service men.

Sorry to rant on and on. But things are really unsure here, and I find myself wondering how I am going to get along. Today, I had a terrible time with my shoulder, pain was excruciating, and SNL's mother had to give me one of her prescription pain pills. I got sick to my stomach, and almost passed out. Had her to help me and it is better now, but the movement is limited of my shoulder, and there is so much pain. I am having an MRI done Thursday, and will find out if I have a torn rotorcuff. Yes, this was caused by SNL and his dragging and pulling me and calling me a f*c*ing b*t*h and spitting in my face. He pulled on my right arm, which is weak anyway with the 2 surgeries I have had on my arm. So now I will have to deal with this the rest of my life, as well as the arm since 1990 and now the shoulder. I am praying that I won't have to have shoulder, but my massage therapist said if it is a rotorcuff tear, surgery is the outcome. So I will be incapacitated for 6months at least with that.

Seems life is getting tough, and getting rougher. When does God finally say, Thinker, you have had enough. Let him take me up to heaven, or start backing off the pressure. I feel pressure heavy quite a few days, and like today, I was feeling pretty good, but this afternoon everything went downhill after the episode of the pain in my shoulder. Maybe Satan is there, cause I was a bad person. Maybe Satan is there, to punish me for my life. I don't know, but the torture needs to end. And I pray for God to let up.

WEll, I guess I will go to bed. Didn't sleep lastnight very well. Had to ice my shoulder, and iced it this afternoon after the pain episode and took a nap and tonight going to bed with an icepack. No one to cuddle to, no one to keep the bed warm while I am icing. So will just shiver and curl up in a ball.

Oh yeah, our son rescued a little bunny from one of our dogs mouth. The bunny does not have his eyes open. So I am eyedropper feeding it, and keeping it warm, and taking care of it. Maybe it will survive, and maybe not. But we will give it our best shot. I am a caregiver, and our oldest son brought this bunny to me and said mom can we try to make the bunny comfortable and try to keep it alive. I said sure, and I will set my alarm to get up and feed this little bunny every 2 hours. Heck, I had to get up with our daughter the night before every 2 hours so that she was okay after her concussion to her head. That is part of being a mother, and I am a good caregiver. Bye for now and goodnight. Thinker

Thinker/Cry,

Would you please QUIT having expectations of your stbx. Stop it. He's not been a good husband to you for a long time. He doesn't care. He's not a nice man or a good husband.

And next, quit talking about the OW all the time. Does it matter now if she slept with the minister or an entire football team? Your continued remarks about her only hurt you now.

Start taking care of yourself, please.

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: Big Chill ]</small>

Thinker,

There's no need for you to reiterate what an [censored] your stbx is behaving like, we all know it.
Going over and over this is only hurting you hon. I know it's going to hurt for a long time but you also need to stop picking at the scab too.
It took me almost two years for the pain to ebb away for my ex and I suspect for you it will take longer. But first and formost you need to stop obsessing about the OP(she's not really the issue here anymore) and what SnL feels for her, you would be in this same boat even if he were over her and out of the A.
Please hon, stop using words like "dumped" and talking endlessly about what an idiot stbx is, we know.
Btw, are you still taking your medication? It sounds like you may have gone off it for a while, stay on it until the worst(the divorce) is over if you have,

I know I need to give this op up. But the hurt is so strong, and I wish I could talk to her and ask her some questions.

I am still on zoloft, and find I swing so high and low. Am trying another product with the zoloft. Hoping it will ease the pain, and the hurt. I do cry needlessly at home, and now with the kids in school soon, I can cry without having to go out to the woods or just away. I should feel safe in my home, but I don't want the kids to see me cry all the time. They need a mother who is getting stronger everyday. Hopefully, I will start getting stronger. I don't think of SNL as much, as far as getting back together. I know we are done, I know he has totally rejected and thrown me away. So I will move on and get my life together.

It amazes me that he thinks I can live on child support of $181 a week. I wish he was getting the $181 and trying to make ends meet. I am so glad that I did so much canning, and stuff. Anyways, the kids are realizing that for me to buy groceries is not easy. Not able to buy things like I used to. I was never indulging in material things, I was always quite thrifty with our money.

I am not able to go to the bookstore like he does, that was always a treat to me to go to the bookstore and beable to buy some books. Not anymore, so I am looking at garage sales for good books to read, and hopefully will beable to buy a few books at the bookstore.

I will try to not include SNL in my conversation much. But I need to vent to someone, and thought I could vent here. Maybe I will state just venting about SNL, and then move on to what I am doing for myself.

Still cleaning up the house, and getting rid of stuff that I feel is overindulgence at this time. Some of the things, are memories of the past, some of the things I can get rid of with no problem. But the place needs painting, and cleaning, and rugs need to be cleaned. Rugs Haven't been cleaned in 2 years, and the puppy was not totally potty trained and did some messes on the rug. It is in great need of cleaning, and will get that done too. I will wash the windows and that will complete the job.

There is so much I need to do in this house, for me, for the kids, and for the animals. I still haven't taken the cats into the vets for their feline leukemia shots, and rabies. Shu-fu the black cat is the only one that goes outside and inside. The other one stays inside all the time.

We have a baby bunny in a box. OUr oldest son found it in the mouth of our 1 1/2 years old golden retreiver. She got it out of a nest, the eyes are not opened yet, and we are feeding it baby formula. The bunny is so CUTE!!!! It is sucking the eyedropper for nourishment, and our oldest son fed it tonight. We warm the milk up in the microwave, so that its tummy will be nice and warm and it immediately goes to sleep. It is urinating and forming feces. So it is getting nourishment and seems to be doing well. Hopefully, it will survive, and we will take it to the township park to release it when the time comes for it to leave.

Would be nice to be a veterinarian assistant. I love to deal with animals, and people. Looking into things to do with my life. Since I have been a stay at home mother for the last 12 years, I need to have a plan or focus on something. So hard when you are on medication for depression. So hard to get up still, but some days are getting easier. Hopefully, I will find the day to get up so easy, and fun.

I still feel dumped, and rejected. It is hard to see your husband cast you away and throw you in the ditch. Doesn't care about you, doesn't care about the family. Maybe a cargiver can't do this, maybe a caregiver sees only love towards their family and friends. I don't know, why there is such a difference in SNL & my attitude of people. This is so SAD!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yes. I was definitely dumped (and dumped on). But I have to agree with Chenille. He did me a favor. I know it's hard to get over the feeling of being "dumped," but at some point you just have to go on with my life.

My STBXH is an alcoholic/addict, which is lucky for me, because his disease drove me to Al-Anon. I don't know what I would've done without it. The words of the Serenity Prayer say it all: GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS i CANNOT CHANGE (my STBX, his drinking, his using, his abusiveness, his hatefulness toward me and other family members who disagrees with him, the OW, the fact that she's almost 30 years younger than me, the fact that he's been cheating and lying to me and blaming me for why he didn't want to have sex with me for years, his choice of her over me, his choice to destroy his life, again, with drugs and alcohol - see, we all have things we can feel miserable about),

THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN (only me, my life, and my choices to take care of myself, or not, to let go or hang on, to obsess or call a friend, to blame or forgive, to feel sorry for myself or count my blessings, etc.),

AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE (it's been a long time coming and I'm filled with gratitude that I'm finally realizing it).

Since you love working with animals why not try out for a receptionist job at a vet? It's not too much direct contact at first but over time you will be asked to help out with the animals. As a bonus the hours are not late night(typically), you can make some extra cash since stbx is not taking care of things and you'll be in an atmosphere you'll love.
Good luck with the bunny. If you or the kids can afford it you may want to go to the local "petsmart" or other big pet store and buy a bottle of rabbit or small animal formula. Sounds like you're doing everything right though. Hope the little bugger makes it through, you're doing the right thing.