This is going to be long. Please be patient.Not punished off the site, just tired and not sleeping well and getting busy again with work AND school.
nduli2 </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She tried and you didn't, you lived in your fog and probably destroyed her love for you. Don't judge her now, she's divorcing you, you betrayed her while still in the thick of the marriage. Acting all betrayed now is too little too late.
Back off and see if she comes around, she may but don't be overly surprised if the A and fog damaged her feelings for you permenantly.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is, I did try, we both tried, but at different times. The sad thing about all this, and maybe I'm not very good at being specific about my feelings, is that I wanted to be back with my WIFE and my KIDS the whole time.
I hated being away from her but couldn't pull away from the A, not because I didn't want to but because I was so overwhelmed I couldn't figure out how to get out. Eventually, I realized my affair was going "by the book." (Surviving the Affair) And when I pointed it out to my W, who'd said, "It's just like the book says," she said, well, I read the parts of it I wanted to agree with.
You're right. She may never come around.
I call my kids every day because I can't see them in person, and I really want to. I miss my kids every day. I tried to call tonight -- a school night -- and no one answered.
Here are some things I learned from my affair, what I did to my family:
People make mistakes.
I don't know everything.
People are not disposable.
Every day is a new day and a day to atone for what I did.
I miss my kids and my W every day (this one I knew before the A), and the A makes me appreciate their daily struggles, their crabbiness, their happiness, their tiredness, their love and sincerety.
I have to live with what I've done every day, and someday I may have to explain it to an SO, if I meet one. And I wouldn't feel right if I didn't. It would be dishonest.
Maw64:
Maybe she needs to be with someone else to see if that is what she wants or who knows she may decide she doesn't want him and she wants to give you another shot at your family. I sure hope that's the only reason she's doing it. She won't tell me anything, so I'm left to even guess that he's a BF, though I don't go kissing or holding the hands of any of my female acquaintances. I hope she can give me another chance, and another chance when I make another mistake.
Will she trust me? Not likely, and I would encourage her to check up on me. I have nothing to hide anymore. I call her to let her know where I am and what I'm doing.
I hope she'll see me again, and I hope we develop a friendship first, so I can re-establish myself as a trustworthy person.
The point that got me was that you don't want her boyfriend around the kids or that you think that she is neglecting the kids in favor of her happiness. Why would I want her to be with someone who is a distraction? When she's kissing him, holding his hand, who's watching my kids? Who's making sure they're safe?
So far, you haven't offended me. This is, by my estimation, is for exchanging ideas and talking about what's happening to us.
I just can't figure out how people go the point where we can't make an effort in our marriages.
MY W sent me a letter once, during the later part of the affair, that said we needed to stick together NO MATTER WHAT, for our family and for each other. It touched me and helped me wake up. And now, I don't know where that person's gone. She's in there somewhere, but there's a giant wall built to keep me out. I would like to know how to bring the wall down, brick by brick, because with a wrecking ball, I'm likely to make a bigger mess than I've already made.
I have to face my guilt daily, because no one's here with me. My kids aren't here. She's not here sleeping next to me. I want to face the guilt with her, talk about it, fix it and proceed with our lives, whether together or as friends. But I'd prefer it if we were a family again, the kind with a loving father and mother living in the same house, where the kids know we're only a room or two away. And where we're all happy.
twentyninepalms:
Maybe you need to face up to the reality that there are reactions to behaviors. She may not have envisioned herself with another romantic person in her life until she found out how you had one.What I can't seem to understand is why we can give our co-workers, strangers in cutthroat business or other situations who deceive us for their own gain every kind of exception and nth chance, why we can forgive the people who enter our homes and steal our things, why we forgive murderers and thieves, but for our husbands and wives -- our soul mates, best friends and companions -- NO chance. The people we want to love the deepest.
I am sorry that I am not sympathetic to you, but your posts reek (sp?) of having no clue of how you affected her life, instead they seem like you continue to believe you are the one who deserves respect when you don't give it to others.You don't have to be sorry for being unsympathetic. I didn't ask for sympathy. I asked for help, for an ear and for ideas to show my wife, whether she has a BF or not, that I do love her and miss her friendship.
I know how I've affected her life. I know she won't look me in the eye. I know there are unresolved issues about the A that she doesn't want to discuss ("in the past," discussion over; but I see and hear a lot of hurt still). I'm not there, not even close enough to give her any support when kids are sick, etc. I've hurt her deeply.
Do you have any suggestions, as a BS, for me? Something I could say or do for her to begin to rebuild trust?
I want to tell her, "I want to be there for you," but I'm torn between the theory about hiding your affection for someone to bring them toward you and acknowledging to someone that you care for them.
Plus, my W tends to give me little more than a grunt on the phone when something like this comes up.
Any suggestions on what I could say to her to get her to talk more?
And by the way, are you still seeing the one who was involved with you during your marriage? No. In April of last year, four months after I moved out of state to take a job near her parents and while we were still trying to repair our marriage, I sent a letter to the OW cutting off the relationship. I had already taken steps so she couldn't contact me, as far back as August of the previous year, but I talked with my wife and we drafted a letter. When I came down to visit my W and kids, I brought the letter and an envelope, I signed the letter in front of her, she read the letter, sealed it and we went to the post office to mail it.
I have no contact with her at all.
Finally, at least for this addition to the post,
muzohead seems to be right on target about my feelings.
My wife, because she won't talk about the A and won't tell me how the kids are doing and what they're doing (ever tried to find out how a 4-year-old's day went by asking a 4-year-old?), makes me feel ashamed of myself and who I am every day I talk with her. To be punished every day for what I've done.
Way down here at the bottom of this column, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.
I don't expect her to come racing back to me; I know that won't happen. I think that somewhere within her, the loyalty and desire for a restored family exists.
I want to begin laying the foundation for a new relationship with her that leads to a reconciliation.
Maybe the BS's here have some suggestions. And a woman's point of view would be nice.
