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Sorry if this runs a bit long, but I need some advice and support on this one. This is mostly a vent, but if anyone has any pointers, I'd be very happy to hear them. It has to do with my daughter, my evil ex mother in law (from here on referred to as MOL "mother OUT law), and MOL's new boyfriend.

First, a little background. I came into my daughter's life when she was 6. Her "real" father disappeared the day she was born, and none of her mother's boyfriends (or anyone else, for that matter) has ever even pretended to try to be a father to her. When it became apparent that I would eventually marry her mother, I took her in as my own child. I quite honestly fell in love with her, and I've loved her ever since...always will!

Stupid me, I never legally adopted her. I never thought it would be an issue...what with marriage being "forever." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

When the divorce came, her mother and I deliberately left her out of the paperwork. We had seen too many people fight over minute details of custody, and we both could not afford and did not want to fight over such things. To this day, I have paid half of everything...school clothes, lunches, vacations, etc. I have kept her room at the house as it was when she left, she visits whenever she wants to for as long as she wants, and I can take her whenever I want for as long as I want. The courts notwithstanding, I am her dad, I've been her dad for the last 7 years, and I will always be her dad. The way I see it, no piece of paper or court ruling can tell me any different. I'm her dad, not because I have to be, but because I want to be. My XW and I are in total agreement that this arrangement is in the best interests of D, and despite our differences in other areas, this has been the one aspect of our divorced life that has gone without a hitch.

That is, until today.

MOL (about whom several psychological papers could be written) lives with XW. This is mostly a financial thing, since neither of them could afford the rent on their own. To put it bluntly, XW and MOL can't stand each other! Anyway, whenever XW leaves town, MOL watches D. I wish it were otherwise, but since it would be a very long drive to school in the morning (we live at opposite ends of town), this seemed to be the most convenient way to do things. Most people would have no trouble leaving their child with grandma, but oh...you don't know this woman!

This morning, I got a call from D. At work. About 10 o'clock. I asked her why she wasn't at school. Well, like most 13 year-olds, she doesn't like getting up to go to school. In fact, getting her out of bed requires trying to wake her up every five minutes for at least a half an hour. Apparently, MOL decided to "teach her a lesson" today, and didn't bother to wake her up. MOL left for work at 7:30, the bus came at 8:30, and D didn't wake up until 9:30!

I asked where her mother was. She reminded me that she was still out of town. I asked about MOL...she called MOL at work, and evil old MOL told her she could walk to school, if she'd like. Its about 5 miles, btw! Then I asked her "so, you're there alone?"

She replied "no, BF is here." WTF???? MOL's BF. He lives out of state, and is staying with MOL. I have never met this man, and needless to say, I hit the freaking roof. In this day and age, you just DO NOT leave a 13 year old girl ALONE in an apartment with ANY man.

Anyhow, I left work, drove the 30 miles to the apartment, took her to school, explained (to the school) what happened, and returned to work and stewed for the rest of the day.

When I finally got home, I called the evil old MOL. I tried to be polite. I tried to be reasonable. I tried to explain that, as the adult guardian of a minor child, SHE is responsible for getting said child off to school. She countered that it was D's responsibility to make her own way to school. I pointed out that the school and the courts might have a different opinion. I also pointed out that her lack of responsibility put me in an awkward position with both the school and my employer...since I had to explain to the school why D was late, and my employer wanted to know why I left for an hour and a half on a very busy morning!

Evil old MOL would have nothing of this, and when I pressed her on the fact that SHE was the responsible adult in this situation, she got really nasty. She pulled out the "well, you're not her REAL father...I don't see any ADOPTION PAPERS that say you're her father..." yada, yada, yada.

I had planned some careful words about the fact that she had left MY KID alone with her BF, but my anger got the best of me at that point. I fumed, called her a b*tch (rightly so, I think), and she hung up on me.

Predictibly, I called right back, and I got "BF." I asked who he was. He said "somebody." I asked "is this BF?" He said yes. I said "do you have kids, BF?" He said "I've even got five grandchildren, and I didn't raise them to be smartasses!" and he hung up.

Shaking like I've never done from sheer anger, I dialed up the X. Her and I haven't agreed this much on anything since the divorce. She agreed that MOL was way out of line, she was angry that MOL left D with BF...and I've not found anyone who wouldn't be angry about that. Yet XW is locked in a lease, can't afford to kick MOL out right now, and I actually feel sorry for the fact that she has to deal with the old she-witch when she gets home tonight. See, MOL will blame MY anger on XW...are you getting the picture of how messed up this is yet?

At this point, I'm still in shock that anyone can be so callous, cruel, and uncaring towards their own grandchild. SHE'S A KID...OF COURSE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL! I'm also unbelievably angry at the fact that MOL actually questioned my fatherhood...considering that I've gone above and beyond in my efforts to be a good father figure, and I'm absolutely stunned that a man who's old enough to have grandchildren of his own would have the nerve to curse me out from my own daughter's phone!

Am I wrong to be angry?

What do I do from here?

I'm wondering if anyone has legal advice regarding adopting your X's children. I know I don't have to fight XW over custody, but I'd like to finally adopt D in some official manner...not only for my own piece of mind, but to shove it in the face of that nasty old broad who used to be part of my (gag!) family.

Oh, and a side note: I know there are lots of Christian folks here. Please, please, please keep my best friend Michael in your prayers tonight. I won't go into detail, but I called him for support, and after listening to my tirade, he dropped something on me that made my problems seem like nothing at all. Please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers tonight.

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 01:01 AM: Message edited by: cjack ]</small>

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Yes you have an absolute right to be angry at your irresponsable MOL. Her behavior is totally inexcusable and unacceptable.

I hope that your R with your xW is a cordial one so as to have some POJA that will benefit your daughter and cut all need from depending on MOL. If your xW knows that you love your daughter and trusts you to take care of your daughter in the event that something would happen to her, then she might be open to the idea of you adopting her.

You also need to contact an attorney that has experience in these kinds of cases and find out what rights, if any, you have with respect to your daughter.

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oooooooo, i might just side with the MOL this time. . . not sure though. . . . .

however, i would discuss all child situations with XW, and not MIL. . . you have no leverage over MIL, but you do with XW!

wiffty

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 06:33 AM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

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((((Cjack)))))))

I am so sorry this caused so much anxiety.

I admired you and all you are doing for your daughter. You are a great dad!

However, maybe I shouldn't be the one posting on this one either, because I'm not going to agree with you or give you the support you are looking for in this instance... so if you don't want to read my post, stop here...Although, I do think you are blowing it with your daughter and your relationship and before more damage is done I think you should calm down and try to see another side...

Okay, your daughter is 13 years old and that is old enough to take responsibility for getting up in the morning. My son is also 13, and trust me when I say he is the worse at wanting to get up in the morning and if I let him he'd do the exact same thing your daughter does. He has his alarm and he knows the routine.

If he doesn't get up on his own there are consequences.

While I haven't done what your MOL did, she is the grandmother, I'm sure she loves her granddaughter too, she was in charge, she was made responsible for taking your daughter to school, you or the mom couldn't do this...

Your MOL wasn't leaving her with a stranger to her, she left her with a person she obviously trust. This person was just a stranger to you, and there are going to be times you will have to trust the Grandmother and mother to have good judgement on this or it will drive you nuts...you can't always pick who they are going to leave them with. As far as the grandmother was concerned, she left her with a responsible adult.

Granted, I don't know if you live in a big city or small town, so if it was not safe to tell your daughter to walk, then the only thing I would have told your daughter when she called is something like this, "You are inconveniencing everyone with continuing to not take responisibility and get up in the morning. Grandma needs to be at work every morning and you are not being fair to her with making her responsible for getting up. Walking to school is unsafe to me so miss school today, I'm not going to take off work to rescue you this time. From now on if I hear you are doing this to your mother or grandmother I'm going to talk to your mom about grounding or other punishments..." Then I would talk to the mom about perhaps grandma coming up with a punishment you could all live with....

Although, on the other hand, if your daughter is free to run around outside by herself after school, then walking to school couldn't be that much different...and I would have told daughter, get your butt out of bed and start walking....

Also, remember, your ex left grandmother in charge, and you may not agree with all punishments, but in my opinion, what grandmother did while it may not have been my approach or punishment was acceptable and you came in and interfered with this.... sorry but true...as a mom, if I left my mother in charge of my children, and I had them that day, my mother has good judgement, I trust her or I wouldn't be leaving her with them, if ex comes in and tries to take charge and over rule my mom, I'd be livid...

On the other hand, there are going to be times when my ex leaves the children with his girlfriend or Aunt, and I need to accept if ex gives them authority for certain punishmentss or judgement calls...granted, within reason of course; if she tries teaching them a lesson and tells them to walk 5 miles to child care or miss child care in the summer, and I think it's unsafe, then I will tell them to stay home and miss child care that day. Then I will talk with ex about other solutions and perhaps other punishments she can give kids...but going in their hot headed and saying "I'm right and you guys are wrong!" is only going to cause a major war between parents.

Also, just to point out to you, by interfering with the punishment, and picking your daughter up, siding with her, and being livid at MOL, you just became a co-dependent to your daughters bad behavior.

CJ, I would suggest in the future if you disagree with MOL or mothers punishments then instead of jumping down their throats, and instead of letting your daughter know you are mad at MOL, you go meet with them, talk to them diplomatically, telling them you realize your daughter needs to change on this and come up with punishments you all can agree on...

I would also suggest you apologize to mother in law and to this stranger, because CJ, I think I may have said the same thing if you would have called me hotheaded...

Take care and sorry to disagree,

ANNA

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Well, I'm with you cjack.

I have an evil MOL, so I can relate. My XH also lives with her and my FOL, however he follows their orders and I do NOT get along with him or them in the least. Sorry, I have this thing about being controlled ...

Anyway, I agree that it is your XW/MOL's responsibility to see that D makes it to school! If she has to go without breakfast because she sleeps in, or with messy hair, that's a natural consequence ... but as a minor that child needs an adult making sure that she gets to SCHOOL. This isn't some soccer game or weekend trip she missed by sleeping in, this is her education. There has to be a better way to get her up and moving, her missing school is not an acceptable 'punishment'!

And I agree 150% on the MOL's BF left alone with a 13 year old being wrong. This isn't the girls' Grandpa, folks, this is a relatively unknown person to D and to cjack. (The fact that XW was angry about it speaks volumes!)

Wish I had advice on the legal end ... would your XW be cooperative and appreciative of you becoming D's legal adopted dad? I can understand that you don't want to cause a stir with this and upset D any more than necessary. The other possibility I thought of was, will XW agree to D staying with you when she is out of town? It may be a hassle to get D to school on those days, but would it be worth it to you?

Good luck. Evil OL's suck.

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: ex-Princess Buttercup ]</small>

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Thanks for the replies. Anna, I appreciate your trying to make me see the other side. I am more calm today, however:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
Okay, your daughter is 13 years old and that is old enough to take responsibility for getting up in the morning. My son is also 13, and trust me when I say he is the worse at wanting to get up in the morning and if I let him he'd do the exact same thing your daughter does. He has his alarm and he knows the routine.

If he doesn't get up on his own there are consequences.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem with this is that the school places the responsibility on the parent/guardian to get the child to school. I agree with imposing consequences (grounding, etc.), but missing school is NOT an acceptable punishment. Many kids would see that as a reward and would continue such behavior. Also, both XW and MOL leave for work before the school bus arrives, so yes, D is responsible and does, in part, get to school on her own. MOL was simply angry at being inconvenienced by the difficulty in waking D up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong>
Your MOL wasn't leaving her with a stranger to her, she left her with a person she obviously trust. This person was just a stranger to you, and there are going to be times you will have to trust the Grandmother and mother to have good judgement on this or it will drive you nuts...you can't always pick who they are going to leave them with. As far as the grandmother was concerned, she left her with a responsible adult.</strong>
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To put it mildly, MOL has bad taste in men. I don't know this guy, but considering her past BFs and husbands, I simply don't trust her judgement that this is a responsible, trustworthy adult. XW does not trust her judgement either, so if both parents agree that MOL's BF should not be alone with D, then that is it, end of story.

As for her walking to school, that is out of the question. We live in the Phoenix area. A five mile walk through city streets when its 95 degrees out would be crazy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong>
Also, remember, your ex left grandmother in charge, and you may not agree with all punishments, but in my opinion, what grandmother did while it may not have been my approach or punishment was acceptable and you came in and interfered with this.... sorry but true...as a mom, if I left my mother in charge of my children, and I had them that day, my mother has good judgement, I trust her or I wouldn't be leaving her with them, if ex comes in and tries to take charge and over rule my mom, I'd be livid...</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See, the problem is that MOL does NOT have good judgement, and she handled the situation in a way that both XW and I found unacceptable. Not only that, she is actually angry over the fact that both XW and I disagreed with the way she handled things!

She actually used to be okay, but in the past 6 months, she's become more and more verbally abusive to D, and less willing to watch her when XW is not there. I also used to have a fairly good relationship with MOL, but for whatever reason she has turned against me. Both XW and I agree that MOL is no longer acting in a responsible manner towards D. I'm guessing it has to do with the new BF.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong>
Also, just to point out to you, by interfering with the punishment, and picking your daughter up, siding with her, and being livid at MOL, you just became a co-dependent to your daughters bad behavior.</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I feel that allowing her to miss school is not punishment. The school was concerned. They tried to call me at work but I'd already left to get D. If they have a kid missing from school and they can't contact a parent, that looks really bad. I feel that MOL also did the exact opposite of what she should have done. She rewarded the behavior and basically said "when grandma's watching you, she won't make you go to school."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong>I would also suggest you apologize to mother in law and to this stranger, because CJ, I think I may have said the same thing if you would have called me hotheaded...</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I pointed out, I was not hotheaded when I called. I was calm, and I had written out what I had to say. She started yelling, and I tried to remain calm. I lost it when she lashed out at me. When I called back, I was calm, but BF got nasty with ME. If I were a hothead, I would have called back screaming or (worse) gone up there. I didn't. I vented to XW, my mother, and my best friend.

This morning, as predicted, MOL took out all her frustrations on XW. XW tried to refuse to discuss the situation, but MOL kept at it until she had worked XW up into an froth, which is pretty difficult to do these days.

At this point, it is looking like MOL will be moving out by the end of the month.

Thanks, Anna, for politely disagreeing with me. Can you fly down here and give MOL lessons?

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Always love seeing you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Sorry it's under icky circumstances.

I say see what you can work out with XW about making things legal about being the real daddy.

Get it on paper. It's in your heart already, now just write it down.

All the stuff this am was way out of line. I'm with you on every point.

There is a case in CA where a non bio father was granted custody. I can look it up for you - had a car wreck so I'm pretty sore now. Email me in a few days and I'll get you the particulars. It fits this well... Opens the door for men who are fathers by love not blood.

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One thing I forgot to add:

XW's will grants me full custody of D if anything should happen to her, and I seriously doubt that she'd object to my legally adopting D. Despite all the problems between us, we are a team when it comes to the kid.

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HEYA JACK!

Long time no see on these boards. Ya know, those who disagree are probably right, but I'm right there with you. Maybe this heat has made us loopy. I won't let my kids walk more than a block or two in this heat. Where does she live that it is so far to her school?

It's so great that your former wife and you are getting along so great in regards to this. Any warm mooshy feelings going along with this Mr. Jack? Wishful thinking on my part I guess...I do love a happy ending.

My sister and brother were adopted by my dad (I was a product of my moms second marriage, they were from her first). I remember the day it happened and they were two very happy kids. I think you should go for it and then throw one hell of a bash afterwards. You do happen to know a few folks in the "industry" that would provide entertainment don't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know, your MOL does not sound like she is worth you losing any sleep over. It's great that your former wife knows this too. Just operate around her, go straight to your kid or her mom for info. She is a non-entity.

You, like me, are kind of a squishy sort of parent and they will run all over us and we will do whatever we can for them. Divorce makes this even more prevalent...the guilt and such. I wake up my 14yo (remember my Jack, the one you met?) son at least three times every morning, practically lead him downstairs, make him a cup of coffee and then call him when I get to work to make sure he's up and going. (don't slam me Anna)

Give us an update on YOU when you get a chance. It's nice to find out how those of us that have gone through the divorce and survived are doing. You sound good.

Take care ~allison

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Hey fellow Zonie! How about this extended summer heat, huh?

As for the walking distance to the school, I'd have to pace it out, but it took about 10 minutes to drive there. Think of walking from Frank Lloyd Wright & the 101 all the way to McDowell Mountain Ranch and you'll get the idea!

As for MOL, I really don't have to worry about her. The last time I got angry with her (3 years ago) she didn't talk to me for 6 months! It is looking very much like XW is going to kick her out soon, and if I'm lucky I'll never see her again.

And no, there's no more mushy feelings for the XW. In fact, I've kinda come full circle on that whole thing. Now that all the smoke has cleared and the dust has settled, I don't really understand what I saw in her. I've even begun to question whether or not I really loved her...maybe I was in my own "fog."

Now, as to an update, well...where'd we leave off? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Hey there Cjack,

I knew I could disagree with you and not get my head knocked off....hehe... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> thanks!

I'd like to apologize, I went back and read your thread and did see where wife didn't agree with MOL's decision either...I just missed that part...

A couple of things I'd still like to point out, one...I think you and your ex are not being reasonable to ask ANYONE to spend 30 minutes to wake up your daughter for your school...I'd have to say if I were the child's grandmother and I were expected to try to wake her up for 30 minutes, I'd say, "NO WAY! Go hire someone else or you come and wake her up..."

You shouldn't have to wake her up even once, ESPECIALLY every five minutes for thirty minutes either...your daughter is being a spoiled
brat expecting anyone to do this for her and you guys are spoiling her if you do....

Now that I got that off my chest... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .....second thing is...

Since you say say MOL is becoming more verbally abusive to daughter and won't watch daughter as much also....Then why would you even have someone like this watching your daughter to begin with...Why someone who is irresponsible, verbally abusive and not making good judgements? It's one thing for her to room with your ex, but quiet another for you guys to leave someone like this in charge of your daughter and you say you've known this for quite a few months...

Maybe because ex was out of town, she felt she had no choice, but when it comes to your kids, you find other ways...

I'm sorry but after reading your last post to me, I just don't even understand why your MOL was allowed to watch her to begin with...

So, now, if I were you I'd make a list like this...

1. Find a way for MOL to not be responsible for daugher ever again... after all you know now, if you allow MOL to watch daugher then you should only be mad at yourself for leaving daughter with someone who has different parenting techniques than you do.

2. Do a reward system to make daughter more responsible in getting up on her own....

Just an example, if my child gets up on his own, he gets to be on the internet, supervised of course, for so many minutes...if he doesn't get up on his own with his alarm, he does not get the internet and he is grounded that day when he comes home...

3. Send airlines tickets to Anna to come straighten out MOL....She just may leave sooner than you think...hehe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, like you said it may not be a problem anymore...

Oh btw, it's been quite a while and it's good to hear from you...even if it is venting...")

Take care,

ANNA

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

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I agree with Anna2000-Your daughter(if you make it legal that is) is not you ex MIL's responsibility. Your daughter can get up by herself or your ex or you should do it. Your exMIL raised her kids-you two need to raise yours. Is it her fault you two split up?
And about that legal adoption. Maybe you take care of things, but what about her feelings. Shouldn't she have full rights to your name and rights as your daughter if thats what you call her.
Put yourself in her place. WHO IS HER LEGAL AND REAL FATHER? What is her legal name?
If you are her real and LEGAL dad and not just a FILL IN, then see to it that she gets to school.You exMOL is not perfact. If you and your ex were, you wouldn't be divorced.

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cjack, have you tried to suggest to your xW that maybe she should consider letting your D live with you until she has adequate child care arrangements? If not, you should because she might jump at the chance of not depending on her mother for child care and also eliminate the stress she may have in leaving D with MOL's BF.

And do proceed with adoption of D because it will be a great symbol of your love for her.

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Anna,

Apologies accepted...no, check that...apologies not needed. You're trying to help me, and I appreciate it even if I don't agree. A different point of view makes me look at the problem a different way.

First, about the waking up part. I wish I could stop it, but I think its an "attention" thing. One of the things we learned when we had D in counseling was that she thrived on any attention, whether good or bad. By refusing to get up, she gets 30 minutes of attention as opposed to nothing for getting up right away. I made a little progress in this area when she lived with me at the end of the last school year (about a month), but I don't think XW has the patience or skills to do so.

Now, I learned about the increasing verbal abuse just over the past couple of days. I've had a couple of LONG conversations with XW, and she vented about a lot of the problems she was having with her mother. I guess I haven't heard about this stuff mostly because XW doesn't come to me to complain anymore...she goes to her own BF. So I've been a bit out of the loop. And yeah, she probably felt trapped by the fact that she can't afford to have MOL move out. Of course, neither I nor XW even considered that MOL would leave D alone with her BF.

As I said, in the past, MOL was very good with D. She does love her, and I honestly don't think she thought she was doing anything wrong. Maybe we're over-reacting, but we think that she demonstrated a serious lack of judgement.

Anyway, this has caused a HUGE blowup between XW and MOL, who felt she did nothing wrong and HOW DARE we question her child-rearing skills! There's so much more...my ex in-laws could keep the Jerry Springer show busy for a whole month, but suffice to say, the #1 item on your list is in the process of being taken care of.

If XW is good to her word (umm...yeah), then MOL will be out of the picture very soon. In any case, I don't think XW will leave D with MOL anymore. Next time XW leaves town, D is coming to my house...period.

Item #2? That's going to be tricky, since I don't have much day to day interaction with D. I'm guessing the XW doesn't want me there every morning to help wake her up!

Now, item #3? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Again, thank you for taking the time.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>cjack, have you tried to suggest to your xW that maybe she should consider letting your D live with you until she has adequate child care arrangements? If not, you should because she might jump at the chance of not depending on her mother for child care and also eliminate the stress she may have in leaving D with MOL's BF.

And do proceed with adoption of D because it will be a great symbol of your love for her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, but we've already covered that ground. Until 6 months ago, XW and D lived pretty close, and D came to my house after school everday. Then XW moved to be closer to her job and her new man. I offered to have D live with me (and stay in the same school), but XW declined, and even D wanted to move. Even if I had partial custody, it would be hard to keep her from moving into a nicer part of town with better schools and a higher standard of living!

I am considering going for the adoption, and I'll bring it up the next time I talk to XW.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ezra:
<strong>I agree with Anna2000-Your daughter(if you make it legal that is) is not you ex MIL's responsibility. Your daughter can get up by herself or your ex or you should do it. Your exMIL raised her kids-you two need to raise yours. Is it her fault you two split up?
And about that legal adoption. Maybe you take care of things, but what about her feelings. Shouldn't she have full rights to your name and rights as your daughter if thats what you call her.
Put yourself in her place. WHO IS HER LEGAL AND REAL FATHER? What is her legal name?
If you are her real and LEGAL dad and not just a FILL IN, then see to it that she gets to school.You exMOL is not perfact. If you and your ex were, you wouldn't be divorced.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please allow me to re-state some things you may have missed:

1. I am the only father this girl has ever known. She tells her friends that I'm her dad, her mother considers me to be her dad, and some people I know are surprised to learn that I'm just the "step" father. That, to me, means more than any piece of paper ever could. Adopting her at this point would be a nice touch, but merely a legal formality. I'm her dad...just ask HER.

2. Her REAL and LEGAL father (the sperm donor) actually left the country to hide from the State of Texas, which was pursuing him for several thousand dollars worth of child support. He skipped town literally on the day she was born. He has never, ever seen her. Is HE her dad?

3. If anything happens to my XW, her will stipulates that I get full custody of D.

4. My XW and I share custody and responsibility without the coercion of the legal system. That's what I think you're missing here. I have friends whose X's use their children (through the courts) as weapons to "get even" with some trivial insult or affront. A lot of REAL and LEGAL "fathers" have to be forced to pay child support, or (at the other end of the spectrum) have to go through a lawyer to see their LEGAL and REAL children for a weekend. I have no legal responsibility to pay a dime of what I pay, and my XW has no legal responsibility to allow me to see MY daughter, yet I pay and she is glad to have me in MY daughter's life.

When I explain this unique situation to friends or co-workers, they are usually confused. Some of them think I'm some sort of saint for being such a stand-up guy. Some think we're both crazy. Others (especially the divorced ones) don't understand how it works. To them I say:

For whatever reason, my XW and I could not salvage our marriage. Divorce happens, even to people with the best of intentions. Yet there is no reason for our child to be a victim of our problems with each other. The fact that we couldn't make our marriage work shouldn't mean that we can't agree or compromise on parenting issues.

Our arrangement is not perfect (as this episode demonstrates), but I wouldn't change it. After reading some of the horror stories of custody battles here on MB (and I've been coming here much longer than you), I'll put our "strange arrangement" up against any lawyer-driven custody agreement out there.

One of the odd things about this situation is that today, my XW defended my role as a father. MOL said "well, he's not her REAL dad!" to which my XW replied "well, he's the only one who's willing to do the job!"

Thank you for your advice, Ezra, but you can keep it.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: cjack ]</small>

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Cjack,

Thanks for responding to my post to you again.

I do understand all you are saying and how hard it is to work on something when you aren't in your daughters life every morning.

Here's some suggestions on ways to work on behavior while you aren't there...

You can buy your daughter an alarm if she doesn't have one, then you can tell your daughter this, "I'm going to check with your mom every two weeks and if she says you are getting up at least 4 out of 5 mornings without her waking you up, then over the weekend or one night during the week, I will come get you and take you to dinner or some where special...." or perhaps you will play a game or take her bowling when she comes stays with you, something like that. Although preferably it would be a special night in which you wouldn't have seen her otherwise.

This way your daugher is getting positive attention, and this can also be used with all types of behavior, bringing home good grades, getting report cards, doing homework without being fussed at.

Also, as you already know....you are "the real dad", paper or no paper, I have never thought otherwise. Actions make a dad, not blood or words. There are biological dads out there who don't deserve the title.

Take care,

ANNA

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

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CJack,
I want to apologize as I spoke too soon and did not understand the situation. I reacted that way because my dauhgter used to bring my grandaughter over for me to babysit for days(without asking). I feel that I raised mine and want visits with my grandaughter to be my choice and not expected.
I see that your exMIL is living with your ex in her apt., and thats a differant story. And the boyfriend thing-does he live there??
It sounds like you and your ex are more mature and responsible than the exMIL.
Again I am sorry for my last post-didn't see the facts right.
As for your daughter getting up in the morning-I don't know. I was ready to create an "eject a bed" for my oldest daughter. She could sleep through anything!

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Ezra,

Apology accepted. Sorry if I got a little defensive there, but I get really touchy when someone questions my status with my D.

I talked to her today, and my guess was right: She said that MOL is "a lot meaner" when BF is around. She doesn't like him AT ALL, and is really tired of her grandma's behavior towards her. On the bright side, D got her first progress report at her new school, and it was all A's and B's...which is rare for her, and downright outstanding considering the situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anna, thanks again for the advice. Now that I know more about what is going on and why, I will redouble my efforts to participate more...even if it means I have to talk to the XW every day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

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CJack,

I'd have to mimic Anna here, buy your D an alarm clock and make her accountable for getting herself up and to the school bus on time..and make special plans for her when she does for so many days a week..

My OD is 13, and she gets herself up most mornings
her alarm goes off at like 6:30 she doesn't have to catch the bus till 9:00..but this gives her time to take a shower..eat breakfast, make her bed, and have time to prepare for her day..she feels less rushed throughout the day when she's up early..

My 10 yr old also gets up between 6:30 and 7 but she catches the bus at 8:00...she takes her shower and gets her clothes ready the night before..so she isn't as rushed in the mornings..
but she has time to have breakfast and make her bed and start her chores before she goes to school..

My son..well..he doesn't like getting up in the mornings..lol..but he does..he used to do the same thing last year..when I was working full time
he would intentially miss the bus so I'd have to leave work and go take him to school..I started making him go to bed an hour and half before his sisters..he liked that even less..but I explained this is the consequences of your missing the bus and my having to leave work..because it caused many problems on my job..and we all suffered the consequences for that..in less income those weeks..so he also suffered in not getting other things because I didn't have the money to buy them because I had to take off work..He was also
wanting the attention..so something I have also done is at bed time I go in and read him a book,
and he and I talk for about 30 minutes before he goes to sleep..just our time..it gives him the extra attention..and he gets enough sleep and is rested for school..and is up in time for school every morning...so it's a win win situation..

So maybe if you can work it into your schedule where you can make time for your D an extra day a week even if just to take her to dinner it would help her see that even though things didn't work out between you and her mom you'll still take time during your week to make time for her..to give her that extra attention..

I imagine this is very difficult for her if mom is away working and she doesn't see her or you..
and so she would want this extra attention..make sure she gets it from you and doesn't start looking to get it from boys in the neighborhood/
school, male teachers, or adult male neighbors..

I know you love her so make the time in your schedule, even if just one day a week to take her to dinner or something where you can sit and talk to her about how she's feeling and things she's going through...give her that extra attention in a postitive way..to encourage her to start being responsible..

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