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#735654 09/25/02 09:35 AM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 6
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Falcon Offline OP
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Posts: 6
Hello All,

I am a newcomer to the forum and I am in need of Christian advice. I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

In 1996 my Ex H and I were married. He was 25 and I was 21 and 3 mo.pregnant. My parents insisted that we marry b/c of the circumstances. We did love each other but we were not ready to get married. We went through with the wedding and were married for 4 years. We had some good times together and quite a few bad times. We fought a lot about finances and the lack of attention that he showed me etc... but we never had any real major problems such as adultry or any type of abuse. Things just weren't the way I thought they were supposed to be. We began fighting more and more to the point of not being able to communicate anymore...at all. He refused to go to marriage helpers and basically just was in denial that we had any problems.
We got to the point that we did not sleep together b/c he said that I turned him off, we did not speak, the only thing that was keeping us together was our wonderful son that we both adore. I filed for divorce after a year of threats. I was absolutely miserable in the marriage and just couldn't take him rejecting me anymore. He did not want the divorce but I just wouldn't hear of coming back, I was very hurt.

A year after our divorce was final I moved 2 hours away from the city where we lived for a career opportunity and to get away from his memory b/c I missed him so much but I had too much pride to let him know. He is not happy with me b/c I moved b/c of our son. He begs me to move back all the time. If I knew that he and I could work things out and begin building a relationship again I would move back in a heartbeat but... My ex is a wonderful man and a excellent father, I think about him all the time and I love him so much. I have asked him out twice and both times he pretty much said no, I know he still loves me, and we have a wonderful relationship now. He has told his friends that he wishes I would come back etc... We talk about our marriage and divorce a lot and where we went wrong. He calls about twice a week to check on our son and me. I have told him that I am sorry for hurting him and that I made a big mistake, I have asked for his forgiveness and he says that he forgives me b/c he played a large roll in our divorce too.

We have both dated lots of people, I am dating someone right now but for some reason neither of us have committed to anyone. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but him (my ex).
I am sorry to have been so long winded but I really need some advice. Thank you so much for your time.

#735655 09/25/02 10:07 AM
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 105
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Falcon,

If it is all as you believe, you have a wonderful opportunity. As a BS and a male I must say that there is a lot of hurt that has to be overcome. Failiar of the marriage and relationship is difficult and to also feel abandoned/divorced is tough. I am not minimizing your hurt, only explaining his. I am sure he is afraid of being hurt again by you. Biblically, we are told to stay together and to reconcile the relationship.

Here is my suggestion, Talk to him and be honest. Tell him that you now know that you made a big mistake and that you love and adore him and that you want to try to put the marriage and family back together. Reassure him that you will never leave him again because you are committed to him and working out any problems you two may encounter.

I would also try to interest him in some counseling (christian) or through this website. There are also a lot of marriage encounters you two could try ask your pastor for info.

One of the best is hosted by Dr. Gary Rosberg see their website at www.afclive.com. They also have a radio show that may interest you. You can get details at the web site.

I truely wish you luck.

1 Corinthians 7:11
But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Try this website to help you discover what the bible says - http://bible.gospelcom.net/

#735656 09/25/02 11:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 297
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You may want to check out www.RestoreMinistries.org if you are interested in Christian counseling. They are not counselors ,but are a couple who were divorced and remarried. They give you biblical principles to help and also offer reading material and tapes.

#735657 09/25/02 02:05 PM
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 186
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OK, I'm going to put my two cents in here.

My divorce was final a week ago yesterday, and my situation has many similarities to yours.

If you have the time, read my story to compare and contrast.

I see a lot of my ex-wife in your posting. She can't decide what she wants right now. She doesn't want to be married, and yet she cannot seem to let go of me. We have done, and are still doing, the constant examination and rehashing of everything that went wrong in our marriage. It's a vicious circle, and one that is hard to break.

I have to say, that I am torn about whether or not I would get back together with my ex. Part of me would jump at the chance, while the other would run screaming from the building at the very idea. Don't get me wrong, I do still love her - deeply - but the wound is still too fresh.

I do know, however, that before that would happen (at least right now), she would have to have the same conversation with me that JohnC is suggesting you have with your ex-husband. My trust in her has been shattered, you see, as surely as if she had an affair. Even more than if she had an affair, actually. The fundamental vow, above all others, is not to leave - regardless.

OK - enough of my rant. My anger is not directed at you, so please don't be offended by it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you really want another shot at this, you must talk to him about it!!!!! You can't be coy, hoping he will read your mind and get the message. You are going to have to sit down, face to face, and take a chance.

It just doesn't get any simpler than that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

For what it's worth,

Has

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

#735658 09/25/02 03:05 PM
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 6
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Falcon Offline OP
Junior Member
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Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 6
Thank you all very much for your replies. I took all of your advice to heart. I went the Restore Marriages website and read many of the stories or how God had changed these people and reformed these marriages into happy marriages. I sent the web site to my ex along with a note that said, "Hey, I just found this website and wanted to share it with you. I am so sorry for my actions in the past. I really want to make things right. Please reconsider us going out one night for dinner. I hope you can find it in your
heart to someday forgive me for failing you as a wife. May God continue to
bless us." So now I am waiting for him to reply...I am actually praying that he does reply.

#735659 09/26/02 10:11 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 1,697
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Falcon,

You have been given some wonderful suggestions so far. I would like to add that you read all you can on this website (if you havn't already) and read the books. So many relationships break up because we truly DON'T know how to have a good relationship, a relationship based on Godly prinicples and ideals.

What if you were different from before, putting the ideas at MB to work, even if he doesn't want to go to counseling, etc. ? That is essentially plan A. Marriage takes work to learn proper relationship habits.

You are blessed to have a Christian foundation in your life. Ask God as to how you should see this situation, what is the next right step? What do you say to your EH when you talk with him as others have suggested. Ask Him to guide you in everything.

There is a prayer group started on another thread here in the DV section that you may consider joining. We pray for the restoration of our M's.

God Bless,

D.


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