Our final decree was delayed by a month until we each (myself, my wife, son and daughter) attend a mandatory 2 hour class for counseling. I do not want this divorce. Neither do the kids. My wife is the only one. She said we may date after she has her space for a while. She said she may date a little. She has not dated yet. She says that she loves me, but is not in love with me. We have been married for almost 22 years. I used to drink on the weekends and now I don't. She still drinks a little ( 1 or 2). She said that started the trouble and she said that I was controlling. We have both been going to counseling separately. She said that she doesn't want to fix the marriage. She said that she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I stopped calling her and she called me. Then when we start to talk, she starts to back off again. The divorce will go through unless the Lord stops it. What does everyone think I should do? I really love my wife and will do anything to keep her.

The Lord stopped my divorce. My husband filed over 2 years ago and it has expired. He will have to file again to get a divorce. We don't live together yet but I believe we will. God has done much healing. I got all my hope and advice from the folowing web site. Please go www.restorem.org

gentle

Dodger,

I am so glad to see that there is a bit more time. Have you applied all the MB principles? Prayer is so important, and is the glue that binds us to God and others, but have you applied the things here? If she is WANTING TO DATE OTHERS then there can be an infidelity issue. Do not DENY ANYTHING. It would cause wrong approach to be taken and to give you false expectations.

Have you called the Harleys? Now is a critical juncture and if you can do it, try it. I've read all the books by them and use MB principles and talked with once.

Remember, pray to God but keep rowing like mad to the shore. You must do all you can on your part.

And it is important, do not confuse OTHER approaches. This is MB . Not another place. We use these principles. Find out what you can do when you have to go to these counseling sessions..That may bring about some real realizations. I too want you to reconcile but wnt you to be aware. Be strong and smart. Leave the burden, the repair work on the divine side to God. But God expects us to use our brains also in helping with the healing too. It is not totally one sided or He wouldn't have given us great brains. But we yeild to Him because he is wayyyy wiser than we could ever be ok?

A passive approach like another site is good for some, but not for me and definitely not for one who is been blessed with one month to bring about change. Even if the D goes through, you can still apply MB principles. Sounds as if she is in the early fog to me. Ask for opinions on MB approach ok? We'd like to see you make the most of this month.

Not Peachy:

Thanks for the reply. I would like to hear more of what you have to say. I have been going to both sites and you are correct, the not calling is killing me. I would like to be more proactive in saving our marriage. We both go to a counselor (same one), but she is not Christian based. She doesn't seem to care if we are married or not. My wife said that she hasn't dated and won't until we are divorced. She said last night that she didn't file to start dating. She said that we waited too late to try to fix it. I say it is never too late. She has some single friends that are pushing her I believe. Do you have an e-mail or chat name so I could find out more of what you are talking about?

Thanks, Tal

Peachy,

I offer advise based on what I have experienced and have learn works. To say MB advise only, is to say MB is an absolute. I have seen many leave this site and give up(and other sites). I believe if someone wants to save their marriage they should look at other advise then put it to prayer. If Dodger listens to me , then he will fail, if he listen to you he will fail. He must listen to what God says in order to prevail.

I am sure the Harleys would rather see marriages restored no matter what plan is followed. I have read the marriage builder material and just like anything else, you take what you need and leave the rest,to God.

Yes it is easier to feed the flesh and call but,
what does God say. Ask Him. There will come a time when we do not listen to sound doctrine but instead want our ears tickled.

I am not saying the web site I mentioned is an absolute. God is absolute. Hurting people should be given hope. Why does it matter were it comes from. I serve the Lord not anyone on this earth. My only concern is to give hope to the hurting. I have nothing to gain by one site or the other, but we ALL gain when a family is restored and our
Father in heaven gets all the Glory. Seek Him and His will.

I have several marriage restoration sites I go to and order material from. I then give it to God and seek His will for my life.

May God bless both your marriages.

gentle

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 09:13 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

I do not want this divorce. Neither do the kids. My wife is the only one. sounds familiar,my wife says she loves me but is not in love with me that she cant be married to me any more and doesnt want to fix the marriage, is this the fog of which MBers speak or just plan laziness/selfishness. I too love my wife and want to reconcile but she has jumped into another relationship right away {rebound} and he is using her, he was living in his van before she took him in. I believe my wife is very co-dependent she told me during our "temporary seperation" that she didnt want another relationship or another man, that didnt last long. well enough babling
she cant afford to file and expects me to, well I wont, I cant see filing when I dont want the divorce if she realy wants this divorce then she will need to file herself, and if she does I hope the judge orders us to couseling too, not that it will help but it will force her to hear me and Our daughter. and not her TAKER.
the lord doesnt condone divorce he is against it and if the divorce is stalled for what ever reasons it's the lord working to give the marriage time to heal.
Good luck

Gentle,

I have read agonizingly last year a long series of posts by a lovely young woman who was here just not doing the MB thing and totally the restorem approach.

Each person has to approach their problems differently. I have minor in psych but when my wH started the A with ms. monkey it took turns and twists that a passive approach would not benefit from. My wH, once an avid church goer with me and also a Christian, will get mad at me for the very mention of God or morality or right or wrong. The MB primarily along with spiritual principles from LMBT have helped tremendously.

Last year this woman who was so sweet and loving, almost lost everything b/c her H was d'ing her. She had I believe 2 small children. He was a cake eater of the first degree and imho, she took steps that only made her seem enabling. Yes, enabling the wH. I tried to get her to make the kids a first priority. They needed mommy during this time. She moved closer to her H who moved away, got a job, and left her hurting kids at home. It hurt me so bad to see her and I know that faith works. It does. God is the reason I am still sane. But this approach doesn't work for most and if you are applying MB principles and want to use another appraoch as a secondary, then it is best to find one that is complimentary to the principles.

As the Bible says, a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. And so would be someone who uses two conflicting, imho, approaches to solve something so serious as an impending divorce. Can say from my personal experience that if i had taken that approach, my wH would have chewed me up and spit son and I out. Both financially morally, and legally. My lawyer has once already stopped (end oflast year) D proceedings at my requesst and has said if H changed and if time came, then we could drop it again. You just have to seek legal counsel who have same kind of spiritual beliefs as well as a keen knowledge of the law in order to do legal and spiritual battles.

I guess in the end, is that MB is a logical approach. We CANNOT ENABLE this destructive behavior in any way. Enablement has probably led many of our spouses further astray and that is why A and B work so well. The core principles are pretty much polar opposites.

I believe that "words without actions are like faith without works". Making positive changes is what MB is about. Change is life in motion and prayer is definitely part of a life in action.

We cannot agree with everything our WS want to do nor comply with them legally when they choose to D us for their own selfish reasons. I chose to file b/c I had to stand up for my be liefs as both a Christian and a mother. My son was being subjected to overnight trips with H and OW. Seeing far too much for his little eyes and forming soul. As far as the D goes, H knows that I am moving on and if he ever chooses to catch up with us then I will hopefully still have the love God gave me in my heart for him still left.

No way would I back down to legal attacks from H. For example, I filed first b/c of an entire year of blatant emotional cruelty and affair. Then it was revealed to our tiny son and in full view of him. After a seemingly 3 day reconciliation, I told attny to pull the D papers. In Jan. of this year, just two weeks AFTER I pulled the papers, he RE FILED THEM BECAUSE HE WANTED OW AND DIDN'T CARE AT WHAT COST. I countered him on the truth, filing on multiple counts as before. Then out of blue in June of this year, wH attempts to get a temporary hearing to take custody of our son. Based on no reason other than BLATANT SELFISHNESS. If a woman in my position were to let her H just seek his D, his way and not fight it, I would be in the streets, without my son and penniless. My son is so precious. I was a full time stay at home mom and extremely involved, as I am now.

God has been good to me since. Although I am divorcing him, been blessed with a part time job that pays for full time salary. I am still at home with son and wH gets him every other weekend. His seeking primary custody backfired on him. Never made it to court as his attorney made him stop preceedings at 11th hour b/c they had no case. That has been God working. After being at home for so long by choice, now I find myself accidentally elected (trust me it was faith and God's will b/c I never sought it) pres. of my state medical society for my specialty. Am able to pay bills and although I am not living the lavish lifestyle I did before, we are happy and comfortable. And I have still been faithful to God and to marriage despite all. My D will probably be final within a few months. But I have left it at God's feet. Pray about it almost daily still. My faith is strong and I am resilient.

Sure it still hurts, but I am not giving carte blanche to a man who is hell bent on self destruction. And God has also had His say on his PA with OW. She got sick of waiting around for him and broke up with him 3 months ago. Plus, her name is cited on the divorce petition on my part (is seeking a divorce on the grounds of adultery with ms. monkey). She just didn't like the fact that her actions will be viewed in the very open court room. Her deposition will become public record. Anyone who knows where to find it can do so. Plus God has blessed with
a judge that is jokingly called "the minister".
This man is wonderful and very pro family. He is
called minister b/c when seeing M's destroyed b/c of A's or such, he will openly lecture to them and has actually dismissed several divorces in our counry saying that this couple did not have a reson to D and made them go to counseling. One of the couples because of this guy reconciled. Definitley not the judge someone who is having an A and seeking that D b/c of adultery wants to have hearing his or her case. God is moving and moving all the time here. Meanwhile, wH is totally non repentant and living la vida loca. I am giving it to God and asking Him to bless this family daily and work on restoring us in HIs time and if it is His will.

I feel so much peace now. Either way there is peace and my family is worth it. My son is watching Veggie Tales right now and if raising my son in a godly family means that I have to do it as a single mom, then so be it.

And I believe in giving all hope. I encourage all here to keep hope and and faith alive. However, some situations need to be addressed immediatley and logically. For example, if kids are subjected to seeing or hearing situations not appropriate to them or inappropriate behavior from a WS's boy or girlfriend, then we cannot idly stand by.

Giving hope is so important in this dismal world. But not false hopes. You have to encourage one to have enough faith to be able to face life either way--married or single. If I had my choice, I would blindly choose married. But never back to the same situation again. There would be changes, positive ones for both and responsibility.

God is not Santa Claus. He doesn't always answer what we want and in time His will is revealed. I see this time and again in medicine. Sometimes there are literally miracles and I am the first to announce them to whoever will listen to me. T hen there are the "why did this happpen" kind of situations. Not now, but later on we see the why in the hurt and pain. I lost my father 3 years ago to heart failure. He suffered alot despite my experience and having a very close relative being an extremely talented and respected surgeon. The day we buried him, his family's prodigal son, their youngest brother in a family of 7 had driven all night to come to the funeral. My dad hadn't seen him in years. The guy was previously a drug addict and divorced from several women. My dad's death proved a wake up call. Ironically I was only person in my family coherent enough emotionally to plan the funeral and I got my sunday school teacher, someone who knew my family well, and an incredible respected businessman as well as speaker give a heartfelt testimony and invitation at my dad's funeral. Through all my tears, I was shaken to my core. Then silently as the curtain was pulled and the family was allowed one last time to see dad, my long lost uncle almost collapsed and fell down. He then got down on his knees in front of my sunday school teacher and said that "I don't want to die and never get to see my brother in heaven. I used to know God and I need him. Can you help me find God again?"

Then I knew. My father's homecoming in heaven actually helped bring his family together and be reunited.

My husband saw that happen. God will help him too, but I don't know when and how. But by my trusting God for wisdom in being able to make the right decisions when I was so hurt and griefstricken at my dad's death, in planning the funeral and covering every base, God allowed my uncle to find his faith again. My uncle is now no longer a prodigal son. Three years strong. No drugs and is working well and yes, there is hope for everyone! God doesn't give false hope. We are to trust him and make moral and wise decisions based on His laws and word.

And God also says that we are allowed D in such cases as mine. We are not to suffer under such circumstances. A And my God brings back the dead, and that can even include dead marriages, even dead and divorced marriages. nd my God brings back the dead, and that can even include dead marriages, even dead and divorced marriages.

Peachy,

You have so much bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart. I will pray hard for your repentence.I will pray that you really read God's word. He hates divorce and he doesn't want us to fight over things of this world. Are things so important to you? I pray other watch what they follow. Follow Jesus and God's word. Base everything on His word.

I have just one plan and that is praying to God and doing what He says based on His will and His word. There is no other plan. I read ,seek wisdom and then give it to God in prayer. He does provide.

Please stop and look and your sin for a time and leave your husband's sin to God.
Santa Clause is not real. God is real. God allowed divorce because our hearts had grown HARD.

Please go back and read your post. How can say you have peace?

You will know them by their fruits.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.Gal 5:22-23

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should rstore him gently.Gal 6:1

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult for insult, but with a blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1Pet 3:8-9

gentle

<small>[ October 05, 2002, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Thanks for the replies. I think we got off track. Is there help or hope for my situation? she doesn't seem to want to stop this in the least. We went to a concert last evening and she seemed to have a good time. I saw her at church this morning and invited her for breakfast, to which she replied "I don't want to go with you". I asked if she was in a mood and she said " it is not a mood". What gives?

Dodger,

I believe there is always hope you if do not give up and folow God's principles. My husband was the same way at first.He didn't want to go anywhere with me. God has changed so many things, but it takes time. I go lots of places with my husband and daughters now. He goes to church with us every Wed night. God answered my prayers and this year he went to dinner with us on my birthday and on our anniversary. He left over 2 years ago and filed for divorve.AS long as I fought him, contested the divorce, begged him,ask him to do things with me and planned, he was cold and fought me. I always had court dates.

I found the restore site and read the testimonies and put my faith in God and posted a prayer request 2 days before our pretrial date. I was heartbroken. I got on my knees and prayed, something told me to let go, don't go to court.I got a lot of this after reading the testimonies.

So, I call my lawyer,which I later released, and told her I wasn't going to court. She was upset and said the judge would be upset but, I trusted God. Praise God, my husband didn't show up either!
The judge past on the hearing and the filing as since expired. I NEVER ask my husband what happened. I know it was God! It took prayer and fasting to bring down the hate wall and we are building a new relationship. Is my husband were I want him? No, but he is were God wants him for now. I know several people that I pray with and they all have been to the restore site and God is making changes in there marriages also. Yes there are hard times but God ALWAYS comes thru.

Some may say were are doormats but, I believe Gods word is true and I have been so blessed by following his principles about marriage. I lost my home and God has provided me a nice home that I do not have to pay for. Yes, it is hard to have faith. I went to bed one night with no place to live. Woke up next morning and God provided. He always does. Yes I have doubted and cryed out God, then He answers in a mighty way. You have to do it HIS way and you must live by faith.

There were times when my husband didn't pay child support becasue he wasn't working. My family wanted me to take him to court but I knew God didn't. God has always provided for me and my children and we have a good life. My husband is here several times a week. We do things together.
God has healed relationships with my in-laws. My mother-in-law and I have a better relationship now than ever before. It took me allowing God to change me and leaving my husband to him.I have grown in the Lord so much since this started.God will always bless you for doing things HIS way.No other way will work for long.

My ONLY interest is your marriage and family.I know your pain. I have wanted to die at times but, God has gotten here today. You can do it the worlds way and try and control your wife or push her in a corner, it may work for a while but, it will not last. We ALL have sinned and fell short of GOds glory.God wants to work in you and your wife.

I didn't know what God's will was for marriage and cried out to Him. He sent me to the restore site and I knew I had found the help I prayed for.
I ordered the book and it is mostly ALL God's word.The bible came alive for me.

I will not tell you it is easy because it is not.
I had to learn to cry out to God and no one else.
I had to learn to pick up my cross and share in Christ's suffering. I pray you will do the same.
All glory goes to our Father in heaven.

Seek wisdom, and be sure it is God's wisdom.

gentle

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Gentle:

Thanks for the reply. I am not going to push my wife. That will surely send her over the edge. If she wants to go through with the divorce, I will not be able to stop it. The only thing that I can do is trust in the Lord and pray for reconciliation. I pray constantly and am living in the knowledge that He will do what He thinks is best in His time. It is painful to see her indifference and to know of the love that we had. I will not give up. I am not going away.

Gentle,

Did not judge you. Judgement is God's domain not ours. You are so far off track. My repentance? You do not know my soul and I can say without any hesitation that repentance is definitely part of my walk with God, which is no ones business but my own. I can proudly say that to those who know me in day to day living know that it is so more than evident worldly goods are not my emphasis as I have less than half of what I had before in the worldly sense. Not at all the case. In fact, in Jan. of this year, I had nothing. Son and I were thrown out in the cold two weeks before Christmas with NO WHERE TO GO. I went to my sister's home and stayed there for two weeks. Then God told me to stand strong. I moved home to the same city according to my Christian Counselor's opinion. Had to live in an extended stay hotel for over a month with my precious son as I looked for a job. I went from a stay at home country club wife to a no home, no job, mother of one living on one credit card to her name while I got on my feet. My wH did not give any support to us and we were close to less than 10$ to total bankruptcy. Ten dollars from living in the street. With a wH who makes about a half mil a year. But God was good to us. In the next few weeks, my attorney helped me use her relator to find a home to lease. We got a roof over our head and I got a great job providing full time pay and benefits for part time work and I am still able to stay with son for majority of time. Got son in after a miracle cancellation at a local Christian kindergarten we normally would have to wait at least a year to get into. And today MY HUSBAND CALLED ME TO ASK US TO LUNCH WITH HIM AFTER HE ATTENDED CHURCH FOR FIRST TIME IN ALMOST 2 YEARS. So the MB program works. And I have NOT STOPPED PRAYING ONCE FOR HIM. KEPT ON PRAYING FOR MY FAMILY AND FOR OUR HEALING ONE WAY OR ANOTHER AND ASKED FOR GOD'S INTERVENTION.

And I am still praying. WHAT YOU ARE MISSING IS THE PART OF MB THAT IS ABOUT US HELPING OURSELVES AND THE PLAN A. During A, we are to work on our shortcomings, which is right in line with my spiritual beliefs. Work on their gripes, and us. That will help us from within. It also helps our walk with God and helps our strained relationships with our spouses. So if you think I am sinless or I think so, then think again. I fully acknowledge that I do in fact sin probably every day. But the sins are something God and I discuss. I don't presume to know yours nor will I ever insist in an email that YOU REPENT AND GET TO KNOW GOD'S WORD.

"Judgement is mine, saith the Lord." You know that one, don't you?

I am so happy that God has healed your relationship with your inlaws. I would love that one day also. But I have been subjected to much you do not know about so please do not judge unless you have walked in my shoes or in others here. A passive, and I mean passive approach WOULD NOT WORK IN MY CASE. In addition to here, have you read LMBT by James Dobson? My counselor is fully in line w/MB philosophy and Dobson's Christian approach. Both would conclude for my actions to take. Loving, but tough nonetheless. Have you posted to us about you? Your situation for advice from us?

So don't say that I am bitter and unrepentant. And I am a follower of God and have been since age 5. How dare you to say that I do not know God's word. You do not know me or my heart and that is so sad. That you would assume things of the spirit that you do not know. And then attack me because I had to stand up for my family.

Were you the victim of unmitigated verbal and physical abuse? Does God want us to take that AND INFIDELITY AS WELL? Does God want us to be thrown in the streets as son and I were two weeks before Christmas because wH was so selfish he didn't want us to live in a proper home and he wanted his home for himself and his mistress? No. That was not to be part of HIs plan. Many a night in that hotel room, I prayed on my knees for God to provide for us, for HIm to be my husband and for Him to be the one I would only look to for sustinence. He answered our prayers. And is still doing so. Did you even read the part about my dad's death? Could anything but a thankful and loving heart see God's love in the death of a loved one.

Again, you are treading in uncharted waters. I did not attack your spirituality. Just think that before you blatantly advise someone, realize that God has HIS own plan. And that is what will happen one way or the other. I am not going to post to you again. And I do not wish a response either.

Dodger,

I originally wanted this to be just for you. As my true desire and intent. Please read my post to Cajunky, a friend of mine. He is also a really strong believer and is divorced, as I do not want to be. Some incredible things have happened to me today and for my M. God is still working. Use this month and do the best plan A you can do.

Contact Redhat and Orchid on A/B posts and they have great advice for doing a wonderful A. Keep your heart strong. A month is a really long time, if we really think about it. So much can happen. I am praying for you. Just want you to apply the great concepts here. The A/B work. Even the B can yeild good results too. But doing any approach no matter how positive they may be and how psychologically sound, will yield nothing without prayer in motion. My best to you.

Get started on that wonderful plan A now. And remember we are in your corner. Keep praying and understand God is working all the while. He wants us to be wise and follow his counsel. Proverbs has been a book I cling to for wisdom.

s

Dodger,

I am so glad to here you will not give up. Praise God you are willing to wait on the Lord. I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers. The indifference will change. Just keep praying for God to soften her heart. Stay encouraged no matter how things look. You never know the divorce may not go thru. Mine didn't, and if it does, there is still hope. Divorce doesn't end anything it just changes things. Our God is a God of second chances.

gentle

<small>[ October 06, 2002, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Peachy and Gentle:

Thank you both for the posts. I am going to check into the plan A AND continue with my prayers. I went by my real home last night and my wife had put the rest of my clothes in boxes. I asked why and she said "you don't live here any longer and we are having an open house on Sunday". I told her that I didn't have room in my apartment and the things were fine in there original places. I said what if I move back in. She said "if you move back in, you can move them back in". That was a positive, no matter how small. Always before, she would say that will never happen. She knows that even if the divorce goes through, I will not give up. I am married for life. She herself had even brought up the subject of how a few of her friends and her aunt had divorced and remarried their husbands. Thanks for the advice and prayers. I look forward to further replies from you both.

Bump it up. found out wife is talking to OM on phone constantly. At all hours of night. Sayd there is nothing going on, just someone to talk to. Sounds fishy, but she has never lied before. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />