I am a 36 year old male who is dangerously close to losing my wife and kids due to my own actions and failings. For several years I tried to shelter my wife from the difficulties in my business. I thought I was protecting her, but my dishonesty was far more devistating than the truth. In the past year I have left my former partnership and taken a job with one of my former clients. On a going forward basis, my finances are stable and there is no threat of bankruptcy or anything of the sort.

The problems in the marriage are a result of my deception and lies about the money problems of the past. Suffice it to say, I was a terrible person for keeping her in the dark.

I have recently started going to a Psychologist to deal with the reasons for my decietfulness. The are deep and rooted in a wealth of depression and self loathing. Essentially, I thought (think) so little of myself that I projected a "persona" that was outgoing, boisterous and bold. This is the person that I allowed others to see while inside I was wracked with depression.

I'm afraid that my going to see someone is too little too late. My wife and I are going to counseling, but she says she is leaning much more toward divorce than reconsiliation. She says that I should have thought of this sooner and that she has given me far too many "chances" so far and is just tired of it. She says that in some ways she cares about me, but she is not in love with me, does not love me as a partner, doesn't respect me, and is certainly not attracted to me.

The Psy. that I am seeing tells me that in order to be truly sorry for what I have done, then I must feel her pain and empathize with her anger and other emotions. This is a grueling process since I have been a pretty selfish person for so long. Last night I was so overcome with guilt and remorse that I was physically sick. I threw up and could barely catch my breath. I was in hell.

Every day for the past few weeks, she has awakened in a bad mood and looks for any thing, no matter how small to start screaming or pouting about. When she finds something she uses that to be in a bad mood all day.

I know that I should just take her attacks and let them be a lesson to me as to how my former actions hurt her, but it is so hard to spend every day as the target of venom and anger.

My main question is how can I deal with her anger in a way that will not destory the genuine progress that I am making in my own progess to become a better, more honest, more genuine person.

I want to make myself better whether or not my marriage can be saved. But each day of anger from my wife is making me doubt myself even more.

Don't misunderstand me. I deserve the anger and she has every right to be angry. I can't stop that. All I can do is try to cope with it, accept it for what it is and keep up with my counseling and progress so that I can deal with myself, her and anyone else that I encounter now or in the future.

I know that was long winded, but I could really use some sage advice.

Thanks,

T

<small>[ October 16, 2002, 10:35 PM: Message edited by: tryingreallyhard ]</small>

Today was a better day. I went to our marriage counselor alone (E was at a funeral). This evening we had a talk and decided to take everything one week at a time. Since we see the counselor on a weekly basis, she agreed to continue counseling unti the point that we either make progress or we must stop. This gives me a weekly chance to prove myself.

I have had no responses so far to this thread. I hope that there is someone else out there that can offer some words of encouragemetn or advice.

I appreciate your input.

T

I am sorry,but the only advice that I can give you would be continue to be understanding and to take it like a man. You did not consider her feelings during the beginning of this mess-right? Then be mature and own what you have done wrong. This is the only way to being healed of it and moving on with your wife or ending the marriage and moving on with your own life.

TAKE IT LIKE A MAN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ezra,

Thanks. You a right. I have to take it and persevere. It is hard and I deserve every bit of punishment she can dish out.

My real pain is coming from the guilt I feel for my past failures, not from her anger. Her anger may cause a temporary sting, but when I think about why she is angry the real pain sets in.

Thanks again. I will continue to "take it like a man" however, this forum may be a good place for me to get some encouragement in this journey.

T

Hello Trying,
My xh lied to me about finances too. Actually he lied about almost everything, even things of such small consequence that no one would care. I wish he had gone to see a psych. I believe he and I would still be together if he had gone for help.

You are doing the right thing trying to understand and correct your past actions.

If your wife is anything like I was, maybe her anger is good. She feels that she can finally trust that you won't lash back because you understand better what she is going through. She feels comfortable enough with you to let it out. Of course there has been much damage done and there will be a lot of "letting out". And her love for you is probably at an all time low so she feels she has nothing to loose.
But in reality this is when you both have the best chance of seeing the light. She needs to feel you are listening (even when she is upset) and you need to really listen to what she is saying too.

The Marriage Builder principles are perfect for you. Do a very good Plan A and I believe you have a chance to save your marriage.

ASM:)

PS: You should check out the General Questions II or the Plan A/B forums on this board

I also say it is good that your wife is able to express her anger. If she's expressing, then she's dealing with the feelings. Depression is anger turned inward. And you probably haven't dealt with your feelings for a long time. Withholding is another form of this.
It seems that her anger is more a reaction, than a primary action. Given your admitted lies, you should be able to understand her lack of trust. Keep up with the marriage counselor, at a minimum to help you learn to communicate.
There are so many great MB principles on this site and in the books and tapes. Order them now, and begin using them. Refer to Plan A to become a better person, for yourself and your family. It may take her time to trust you, but you should definitely try.
Good Luck.

TryingReallyHard,
Sounds like you are doing great. Stick with it!
Just be careful not to beat yourself up over the past. You have awknowledged the wrong and you are changing it. As long as you keep doing the best you can, don't look back and get into too much shame and guilt. Life does this to us enough, and too much of it can discourage us from staying on track.
Keep it up! You're doing great and in time your wife will see the changes as permanent and perhaps reconcider. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey Trying,

I've been and walked in your shoes. The lies nearly destroyed me, my marriage, and my family. There is hope though. The things that helped were knowing that I was making myself a better person, husband and father. Knowing that I was "taking it like a man". Each step I took gave me something to be proud of. Granted at first they were small things to be proud of but it was enough to just remember those things. Finnally when all is said and done my wife was and is worth it. You've come this far, don't give up now. lol

Fighting4us,

Thanks. I'm glad to know that someone else has been through this and made it out with their marriage intact. It gives me some hope. How long did it take before you and your wife returned to some sense of normalcy?

T

trying,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife and I are going to counseling, but she says she is leaning much more toward divorce than reconsiliation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to tell you keep going to counseling and don't give up.

My h is a chronic habitual liar who really is getting so much better but it nearly ended our marriage. The lying made me treat him poorly and he left me in December of 2000 and would not even speak to me. It was over, over, over in his mind. No chance of reconciliation.

We've been back together since the end of Jan 2001 and are pretty happy. We still have problems but we are committed to staying together and working through them.

Don't give up hope for a better tomorrow--whatever road you take.

Frankly,

I have no intention of giving up. I just hope that my wife shares my intentions. Right now, it's anybody's guess whether she will stick it out or not.

I have admitted my problems of honesty which stem from year and years of depression. I know my faults and am meeting them with therapy and real intorspection. I can's say that I like what I am finding, but I know that the person that I am uncovering is genuine.

I will keep trying to be a better man. I will continute to take the venom that she puts out, simply because she is entitled to her anger and I can't expect a quick resolution to 11 years of pain that I caused her with my actions. I just hope that my realization has not come too late.

I find a great deal of solace from writing. It seems to me that if I put my fears and pains on paper,they become smaller.

I'm glad I found this place. It helps to get encouragement and some recognition for my efforts, even it comes from people who I have never met.

Thanks for your kind words.

T

Getting ready to go to bed. Today was another day when I told no lies, generalizations or exaggerations. Four days and counting. Like a pitcher's winning streak I don't want to jinx it... but I'm proud of myslef and this is about the only place where I can say that without fear of a negative reply.

Sundays are terrible. On Sundays I visit my Dad in the nursing home. I must say that I lie to him from the time I walk in until the time I leave. I tell him that everything with me is OK. Kids are OK, wife is OK, everything is just lovely at my house. I tell him that he needs to really work with the physical therapist so he gan get back to walking (this will never happen in my opinion). About the only truth he hears is that I love him and that everyone misses him, including his dog.

With my newfound desire to be fully honest and genuine, this was a rough day. I just couldn't bring myself to be honest with a man who is in such a weakened condition that the truth would be unbearable.

I don't know how I should feel about this. Right now, I feel pretty low.

<small>[ October 20, 2002, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: tryingreallyhard ]</small>