Ok,

at the time I sent the Plan B letter back in Jan., I thought - well Ex is a normal guy, I was working with Steve Harley and we jointly came to the decision to go to Plan B - so went to Plan B - gave ex the letter - after being approved by people here and the man himself.

Ex told me - after he got it - that he DESTROYED it - not.

But now, he is using it as evidence in court becasue it says that I take responsibility for creating an atmosphere for the affair - I only get spousal support if he is found at fault - adultery is considered a fault - and the letter says that he is relieved of fault.

Of course - hindsight is 20/20 especially after months of therapy - and I have learned that it in truth, IT WAS NOT MAY FAULT. Ex has some mental problems and is not in touch with reality - so much so that I doubt if there was anything that I could have ever done to make him happy - especially since I don't believe that HE even knows what makes him happy.

This is just so low. He is a greedy selfish incompassionate human being - if he really even is human.

Nothing is too low for this man. And I am finally able to say that GOD did me a favor by letting him leave. THERE IS SOMEBODY BETTER OUT THERE - ANYBODY is better than this creep.

Still glad I did Plan A though, makes me feel like I did all I could, and now I know that there TRULY was no hope.

Just ans FYI for all of you out there - maybe I should post this on another board - but if there is ANY possibility that you are going to be divorced anyway - the Plan B letter needs to be more carefully worded, so as not to come back and bite you in the you know where later.

K

Hi GIIC - to be "injured", doesn't he have to show one of the listed fault grounds for your state?

Which presumably your plan B letter does not fit. Unless you said something like "sweetie, it's okay that you had an affair and betrayed me."

The other thing I've heard about my state law, is that if you have SF with an unfaithful spouse, that means they are "forgiven" the fault unless there is a repeat occurence.

Wow! But I can't believe it could be damaging to you. I think that you could find info. on the boards to support the purpose of the letter. Or, have the Harley's write an explanation of the Plan B letter which should help.
He's grasping at straws. An affair is an affair. You are a better person.
Good Luck to you. I hope this cr*p ends for you soon.
We need to pray for everyone on this board to get through this cr*p. God bless you and your family.

All right K.

XnutsoH CANNOT GET AWAY WITH THAT. Any rational person can see through this strategy including a judge. You were going through a counseling period and advised to do this. But I forgive my wH for what he did but THE KICKER IS THAT YOU DO NOT FORGET AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE GETTING A DIVORCE. Your faith can come into question here and that is why it is a slippery slope for your xH to pursue.

He will fall flat on his face. This is similar to the ploy my stbx used against me and said he would be using, I should say. He was going to prove that "I am wacked out" by playing the two or three messages I left on OW's answering machine. I left the messages first after she took my husband to a MARRIAGE CONFERENCE AND SLEPT WITH HIM. Then I left one after THEY WENT ON A TRIP AND LIED TO ME ABOUT SON JUST GOING WITH DAD ON TRIP. Oh, this would be rich in court. Oh, and there isn't one person on this earth who wouldn't be mad if their husband cheated and lied like there was no tomorrow with another serial liar and cheater--her?

You are a legal eagle K. What does your counsel say? I think this is a bunch of bunk designed to make you back off. SEE THROUGH THIS POOOP RIGHT NOW. Don't take it. Laugh it off. Tell them that it is true, your faith allows you to be a better person and forgive. But HIS CONTINUED AFFAIR WHICH HAS LED TO AN UNHOLY UNION WITH MS. STRIPEY TOES HAS MADE YOU FEEL THAT YOU CAN NOT FORGET HIS HORRID AFFAIR AND HOW IT RIPPED APART YOUR SWEET FAMILY.

Arrrrrrrgh. The nerve of that man and &8ore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

After having been on this board for several years, I have come to the conclusion that much of the advice given by the Harley's is not only useless, but can be terribly dangerous to the BS, particularly financially.

As I have said before, I still come here primarily to warn people that the most important thing to do when your spouse has an affair is to protect your family financially. Secondarily, I come here because every so often I have the "pleasure" if you can call it that, of hearing about a relationship based on an affair crashing and burning.

GodControl - an affair is an affair. Even if they say it is the Bill Clinton affair, it is still an affair. Once an affair is exposed, there is a given % more to the spouse you was betrayed. Therefore, I would suggest that you need a new lawyer, or something is wrong.

To use the plan B letter is not enough evidence for the fault of the marriage. Most judges will see both people responsible, but the one who did the fun stuff, sex stuff, spending money stuff, will get burned by the judge. The judge sees them as being the one who does not care about vows, who does not care about the family, who does not care about their spouse. Also, if a big amount of money was spent on the OP, there is more evidence that the walkaway spouse didn't care about anything but their own pleasures.

I wouldn't ask Steve to write a letter, I don't think it is going to make much difference. As I have found, to go to counseling makes a difference if there was abuse. Such as in my case. There are records for abuse, and medical records. But for counseling, unless there was an act of some record that was considered illegal, counseling is for those who are sane and unsane.

Just keep continuing on with protecting yourself. Yes, we all have learned, as well as I, that the first thing you have to protect is your finances. That is the first think that an individual counselor told me, and the Harleys told me, finances need to be protected. But I trusted SNL, and found that his trust was not there. If I knew what I knew now, SNL would of not had the thousnsads of dollars to spend on his munchkin.

GIIC,

Like Nellie I have been coming here a couple of years and seen the pain plan B has caused.It is a good way to have a messy, hurtful divorce.If that is what you desire.

I had to be my own lawyer for three and half hours in court to get custody of my daughters. I prayed for hours and told God I trusted Him to be my lawyer. All my husband's attempts to make me look bad failed.The next day my husband dropped his motion for custody and has never tried it again.

Let God be in control, I claimed this verse:
Isa 54:17 no weapon forged against you will prevail.

I know that everyone does not have this kind of faith, but I was new to faith. I believed God's word and He was faithful. It is hard to walk this path but I have been blessed because of my faith in the Lord.

So, get out of the boat and walk on water.

gentle

<small>[ October 22, 2002, 02:00 AM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

If we group divorces as "messy" and "amicable", then plan B leads to the messy kind (if not reconciliation). That's what I want because a divorce is "amicable" when one party gets mostly their own way, and the other does not resist. If WS has been planning an exit strategy, then BS needs to "catch up" and I think plans A and B helped me do that.

- Tom

Sometimes having to take the high road s**ks, doesn't it? My lying cheating STBX told ME I was "losing it" when I burst into laughter when he handed me a child suppport check...his new checks have bible verses printed on them. I backed up fast...I didn't want to be anywhere near when the lightning struck!

Boy oh boy could I have some fun...I bet the new trophy doesn't know about STBX's FIRST daughter, or his last affair (with someone she knew), or the fact that he's had a VASECTOMY (she's 25)...I bet he hasn't gotten around to telling her any of those...

Somedays it's hard to have class. And I must remember, the important thing is not to risk the well-being (and custody) of my son...

I have come to the conclusion that much of the advice given by the Harley's is not only useless, but can be terribly dangerous to the BS, particularly financially.

Especially when you do NOT use MB principles with professional guidance or do not even try to understand & use MB principles properly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do not even try to understand & use MB principles properly</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What exactly does that mean?

GIIC,

I'm with gentle, put it in God's hands. Think of David & Goliath (kind of makes me smile when I look at it that way!)

Thank you for posting so that others may be helped. I am in a no fault state - so nothing has to be proved, but as I write that it makes me sick, that WH can do all these things then get off "scott free"

K, you will get thru this, keep focusing on the end result that you want and believe God is in your corner.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

God Bless,

D.

WillGetThruThis - yes, your husband can get away with everything, scott free. But God knows what he did wrong, and he will get his pentance for his SIN and even if he just did the Bill Clinton thing, it is still adultery. Don't wish this on yourself. God sees, knows, and will act. Just work on yourself, and be a good person of who you are.

I once thought I would love to be the walkaway spouse, have the fun, the lover on the phone, the lover to do secret fun sex with, to have a lover spend money on me, to have a lover say I love you while his spouse hears the words, to have a lover contact you at all hours of the day, to have a lover commit adultery with me and I feel no remorse or guilt, to have a lover spend thousands of dollars on me knowing that his wife was busting her butt off to help pay the bills. But you know what, I would not lower myself to that low level. Why, cause God knows and sees and there will be punishment in the long run.

We can see ourselves as a better person, and vows meant something to us, and that our spouses were not the best, but we were committed to our spouse. But the walkaway sees nothing in marriage, nothing at all. They get tired of that spouse, throw them away, and find someone more fun, more invigorating, more intelligent, more secretive, someone who doesn't care about spouse or family, like themselves. We on the other hand were like the vows stated,: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, till DEATH do us part. God knows, and I am to this day T H A N K - F U L for not being a stupid walkaway spouse. They are the stupid ones, we are the smart ones.

Stay strong, God loves you.

cry2much,

yes, your husband can get away with everything, scott free. But God knows what he did wrong, and he will get his pentance for his SIN

Yes you are so right, God does see everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> or <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!!!! My comment was really referring to the law. (and it's lack of fairness at times)

We can see ourselves as a better person, and vows meant something to us, and that our spouses were not the best, but we were committed to our spouse.

You know, I wouldn't trade positions for the world. I feel good (really good) about myself. WH on the otherhand is miserable but he's in lala land right now and trying to run from God like Jonah. Here's one example then I'll leave him alone - WH wants to buy a corvette & making all kinds of plans, yet bankruptcy looks imminant.

I thank God for MB and these boards. No matter what happens in the future, I have my dignity and can say that I left no stone unturned.

God Bless,

D.

do not even try to understand & use MB principles properly

What exactly does that mean?
In order for this stuff to work, you have to use them properly.

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

No WS should not get away with anything. Thank goodness I do live in a fault state, as I suspect you do to K.

Let's just clarify something here. Just because I am a Christian, I am not going to let my wH walk all over me and expose my, our precious and innocent little boy to adultery and basically the hedonistic way of life. You don't do what feels good whenever you want it.

I THINK WE ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME SAYING HOW THE WS HAVE ALL THE FUN. THINK THAT IT IS US WHO ARE GIVING THEM THIS POWER. TAKE IT BACK NOW. I QUIT GIVING HIM POWER A LONG TIME AGO. GOD HAS THE POWER. AND I AM LETTING HIM DEAL WITH WH.

My goodness, doing all the stuff that my stbxh has done would make me want to hate, actually hate my own reflection in the mirror. That isn't exactly fun to me. Would make me sick to my stomach seeing myself and ever considering if I had caused this kind of awful destruction. But I am NOT ABOUT GIVING WH THE POWER ANYMORE.