I was wondering if anyone else has my problem. My husband has never been very sexual. We have been married ten years. Sex was never important to him but, now it has gotten really bad. We have only made love four times in almost four years. What do I do? I have tried talking to him, recommending counseling, losing weight, romantic weekends, complete makeovers, ect.. Nothing has worked!! We have a pretty good marriage in every other aspect. I don't understand it. In every book discussion, ect.. all it ever talks about is how men ALWAYS want sex and women don't. I have never been able to find any books or anything on this subject. I almost left him over this problem. Because we are both Christians I don't believe in breaking my vows. Where do I go from here? I have read "The Five Love Languages", "Love Must be Tough", and "The Power of a Praying Wife". I have implemented every idea in them except the "Love Must be Tough" ideas. I do not believe my husband is or has ever had an affair. For about three months I new he was watching porn. I confronted this and after he attended a Promise Keepers meeting shortly after, he has not watched it again. He got probably three movies off our satellite total. He has set up blocks on that and put a filter on our computer so that he is not tempted again. He is a strong Christian man and a very good leader of our home. I just don't understand this? I would appreciate any advice and all prayers. <P>Before anyone suggests counseling, he won't go. He is embarassed about this and thinks there is something wrong with him. We have talked with our doctor and my husband talked with a Psychiatrist. They said that there was nothing wrong except an Anxiety disorder (which runs in the family)

Hello un<B>Desireable</B>, and welcome.<P>My opinion only here so toss this out if it offends you (it probably will ) and do what your heart tells you. First off. Devout Christian upbringing usually involves a life time of being told <I>No. Sex is dirty! No No NO. Keep that rascle in your pocket and DON'T EVEN PLAY WITH IT! You'll grow hair on your palms, go blind and go to hell. Then there you will be burning for eternity with bad eyesite and hairy palms.</I> Then all of a sudden you get married and it all OK?!? Add to this that his family is also predispositioned to Anxiety and depression and we have one confused and frustrated man. (been there, done that, got the T-shirt)<P>First the bad news: this took years to develop and it ain't going away overnight. The good news is that it can be changed. OK, so he started looking at porn. This at least tells me he is looking for an outlet for his sexual desires and frustrations. Does he masturbate? After 10 years of marriage you should know exactly how long it takes him to shower. If he is 5 minutes longer than usual, guess what. Don't confront him because he will be even more embaressed than you are now. This is also an outlet. If you know he is searching for an outlet it makes this all the better. <P>When you were first married, sex was new. Even if he has a lower sex drive at least you did have sex regularly; once a week to once or twice a month is still regular. Eventually the new wore off and the old "Sex is dirty" ideas come back which prevents us from trying new things or at least makes us uncomfortable with it.<P>So now the quest is how do you find an outlet that he is halfway comfortable with. You know he tried the picture route. Why not by a Poloroid and make your own? Digital camaras are even better because a simple delete erases any permenent evidence. And the more you make this look like his idea the better. He not only needs to feel comfortable doing different things, he needs to know that you also enjoy his ideas.<P>I wish I could help you more. He will either come around or not in his own time.

Consider that the issue here may not be sex, per se, but developing emotional intimacy that supports sexual desire. I'd like to recommend a very good book by Dr. David Schnarch (think I have the name right), "Passionate Marriage". Very relevant, very good. Best of luck with your quest, and your marriage.<P>Regards,<P>Jon

Joe in TX;<BR> Thank you for your input. I also agree with you on the pornography. I thought "at least he has sexual desires". And yes I believe he does masturbate. I have not confronted him on this because I don't feel it is neccessary. It does hurt that he would rather masturbate than make love to me though. I personally don't feel he is sinning by doing it. <BR> I have also considered taking pictures of myself or sending him suggestive letters. He feels it is cheap and makes him feel dirty. He doesn't even like me to wear "Sexy" lingerie. A long flowing preferrably white nightgown of silk or satin. He even thinks colored undies are "slutty". But what confuses me is, that is what the women in movies wear and it "does the trick" for him. (so to speak) Black anything is the kiss of death.<BR> The sad thing is I have gotten to the point, I don't even try anymore. I won't wear any lingerie or try to initiate anything. The rejection hurts to bad. Even when we do end up making love I feel like it is torture for him.<P><BR>Jon;<BR> Thank you for the suggestion. I will try to find the book. So far the only books I have been able to find talk about women never wanting intimacy.

I was writing in response to a woman with that problem, like you said almost everywhere, including this site, women with that problem are the only ones addressed. You mentioned that you read through the Marriage Builders information. Has your husband? My wife and I are going through a similar problem. It started with the birth of our daughter or soon thereafter. We got too tired, too distracted. I started having problems maintaining an erection and she felt rejected so we stopped trying very often. We used to have a great sex life. Now we are really desperate, to the point where she was ready for counseling, something she was opposed to. I was looking on the web for advice and found this site. I printed some things for her and then sent her a subscription to the newsletter. That first night after realizing the resources for us, we laid there holding each other (fully clothed) but felt such incredible intimacy, like we haven't felt in years that we basically made love with our clothes on. For me it was an easy way to start back to a healthy sex life without the pressure of worrying about my erection (I also have family history of depression/anxiety). It was really great and I saw my wife in a whole new light. <BR>About pornography, I feel that I have inherited that addiction from my father, though I know I am more conscious and make much more an effort to keep myself in line. It's not that I feel guilty in a religious way, more in a covenant way. I feel like it is emotional adultry by getting involved with pornography. Plus, as the voice of experience, I know it leads to harder and harder pornography, like any addiction. This is something I developed from obsessing over Playboys as a child and now with the Internet, the world of porn is a mouse click away. I'm no great moralist but I know what it does to me and how bad I feel after using pornography. I don't recommend that route.<BR>I know in these years of low sex life, my wife has made me feel really good by only pleasuring me, trying to build my confidence. It did make me feel better, but not like just holding her in my arms, staring into her eyes, and kissing the woman I fell in love with 9 years ago.<BR>Good luck to you, I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, I tend to ramble. Again, my main advice is to get your husband involved in this web site and if any of the web administrators or others in charge see this, I (and I know you) would really like this issue addressed, would you call it "male aversion to sex"? <BR>

I don't want to call you "Undesirable" because that seems to be shifting his issues onto you. You're not the one with the problem. IMHO, Joe hit the bullseye with the problem being on a religious level. <P>He expects you to wear long flowing WHITE nightgowns but gets turned on by the women in the movies with sexier (I assume) lingerie?? <P>I'm surely not an expert, but to me that screams out that in his mind his wife is too pure and chaste to have<BR>"passionate, uninhibited, DIRTY" sex, like in the movies, and the white gowns are a reminder to him that he can "make love" to you (missionary position only), but not express himself sexually with you.<P>Were his parents that way too? Can you talk to his mother about things like this?<BR>Would your H agree to talk to your pastor?<P>Prayers,<BR>HL<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Undesireable:<BR><B>I was wondering if anyone else has my problem. My husband has never been very sexual. We have been married ten years. Sex was never important to him but, now it has gotten really bad. We have only made love four times in almost four years. What do I do? I have tried talking to him, recommending counseling, losing weight, romantic weekends, complete makeovers, ect.. Nothing has worked!! We have a pretty good marriage in every other aspect. I don't understand it. In every book discussion, ect.. all it ever talks about is how men ALWAYS want sex and women don't. I have never been able to find any books or anything on this subject. I almost left him over this problem. Because we are both Christians I don't believe in breaking my vows. Where do I go from here? I have read "The Five Love Languages", "Love Must be Tough", and "The Power of a Praying Wife". I have implemented every idea in them except the "Love Must be Tough" ideas. I do not believe my husband is or has ever had an affair. For about three months I new he was watching porn. I confronted this and after he attended a Promise Keepers meeting shortly after, he has not watched it again. He got probably three movies off our satellite total. He has set up blocks on that and put a filter on our computer so that he is not tempted again. He is a strong Christian man and a very good leader of our home. I just don't understand this? I would appreciate any advice and all prayers. <P>Before anyone suggests counseling, he won't go. He is embarassed about this and thinks there is something wrong with him. We have talked with our doctor and my husband talked with a Psychiatrist. They said that there was nothing wrong except an Anxiety disorder (which runs in the family) </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear friend, although I cannot say I have experienced what you have here, I am here to give you some ideas. Sex, as it is, is certainly not enough and pornography can desensitize the person exposed to such material. However, your marriage does not seem to be falling apart. If intimacy is what you truly desire, then forget "sex" for just a moment and consider "making love" to your husband in ways which give he and you satisfaction. His shame regarding certain clothing etc is not so uncommon among the Christian community. Different strokes for different folks. Accept this for what it is worth. He's simply saying he desires to have a "pure" relationship with you, and there is nothing wrong with this. And when this is not achieved, according to his desires, he resorted to porn. <BR>Without knowing your entire situation, I'm going to give you some simple suggestions and you use the ones which apply. 1. Begin reading together; ask him what he would like to read, and if he says, "your choice", then choose a book, not pertaining to marriage, at least not initially. 2. Put "love notes" in his lunch box; a small business size card, simply saying "I Love You" and other terms of endearment. 3. Rise with him each morning, fix him breakfast and see him off to work. 4. Cancel cable, satellite etc for a month. Allows for communication to develop. Not over night, but eventually. 5. Find at least one thing you two have in common and spend at least an hour a week or more, together. <BR>I have so much more to write, yet due to time constraints tonight, it will need to wait til later. Best wishes in your marriage and don't stress over the small things.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love & thoughts,<BR>Lynn