Along with understanding what transpired, there is the emotional process of going through the feelings that are occuring as the relationship grinds to its conclusion. now is the time to deal with those feelings. This is designed to move you through these different feelings to the point of resolution. Take your time. you are not just writtting, but feeling your way through.
A. Something snapped.
Go back to the point where for you "something snapped" Where was that turning point? What word or incident or betrayal was the breaking point for you?

B.The sour grapes inventory.
Make a list of all the reasons it would nt have worked out anyway.

Sometimes we indulge in all sorts of " If only I had..." Instead of indulging in self destructive nostaglia, it healthier to sit down and write the sour grapes inventory. This will hepl you affirm what has occured and perhaps even tell you why your relationship should have ended long ago.

C.
The poisen pen letter.
Wheither you made the decision to end or it was made for you, you proabaly have an incredible amout of anger.
We dont like to have our footings ripped out from under us, we want to blame our partner, sometimes we even feel wed like to get even.

anger and voilent feelings are scary. But in order to heal from the devestating wound that ending a relationship is, it is imprortant that we experaince th vile, rotten, intense and unacceptable emotions. In order to get beyond them we must go through them.

In this exercise you will write poisen peen letter. in which you express the full intensity of your rage, your most vile intentions about him, your most self indulgent wishes for his demise. The purpose is to allow you to give expression in fantasy to these intense felling with out harming yourself or others.

D. Feelings of failure.
Write about your feelings of failure. There are two kinds, the self destructive, self loathing kind, and a set of feelings that have to do with your real and specific failures in the relationship.

E. the letter of confession. Write a letter of apology for all your crimes to your sold husband. Be honast in identifing what went wrong . This letter if for your benifit, to clense your consciosnes and it need never be shown to your partner.

F Letter of forgiveness.
Write yourself a letter of forgiveness. You are a human and you need to forgive yourself for being just that.

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

Hey, there's even a workbook to help through the process.
The Fresh Start Separated/Divorced Workbook basically expands upon what you've written. I'm using it to help me through the process. I hope you find more resources.

Whew , had to do that in stages cause my computer is acting up.

Newly, thanks for another resource. Glad you found something that workd for you too.

Bumping this to the top for Nicole, Sheryl, Leslie, anyone else.... come on you guys this is my favorite one....

Get all that anger out here.

Bump..........
I actually wrote a response to all the sections and then the reply was erased inadvertently. Oops. I'll try to redo it later....

Lora,
I agree with your plan. This is how I got over my first husband(I actually did it before I told him it was over)
I played over and over in my head all the ways he hurt me and what it did to me. It worked. It seemed almost unhealthy at times. I never wished him any harm-just wanted to detache myself from him.When I would feel drawn in-play them again.

Ofcourse this is not nessesarily the thing to do if you are considering reconciliation! Just a way for you to see how slowly a person pulled you down and how bad it really was.

A. Something snapped.
Go back to the point where for you "something snapped" Where was that turning point? What word or incident or betrayal was the breaking point for you?

It was the ants.

Let me explain.

The year was 1987, and although little ickies had been piling up (the women who came to the apartment to tell me to tell my husband to leave her alone, for example) we had gotten through those. We'd gone a toy store with the kids. And David bought some plastic ants. I asked him why. He told me a story, and had this sparkle in his eye ~ he was an elementary school custodian, and she was a teacher. She'd had an ant problem in her room, and he was (of course) in charge of removing the problem. He thought it would be funny to tease her by placing these ants (they were huge) in a line from her sink to her desk. I know it sounds stupid, but that twinkle in his eye bothered me a LOT. He didn't tease ME like that, and in fact, barely paid attention to me and the kids (little did I know he was carrying on TWO simulatanious affairs; one with this teacher, and one with our daughter's pre-school teacher). Anyway, the ants. It was the ants.

B.The sour grapes inventory.
Make a list of all the reasons it would nt have worked out anyway.

ROFLMAO. Hey, this will be FUN. (Remember, I am divorced from the man!)

Okay, we were opposites, and although they attract, they certainly fight with passion too. Not good passion either.

He never forgave me for my past before we married.

He wore flannel shirts and boots to the beach. He wasn't a cowboy, he was a Native CA Surfer Boy. That really BUGGED ME. LOL

He also spoke with a drawl. Again, it was as if this personna came out for some reason. My kids say it still happens. They call the alter-personality Carl. LOL

I'm so laughing here.

He loved me, but it hurt. It wasn't soft love, it was hard. And it hurt. (Not laughing anymore)


C.
The poisen pen letter.
Wheither you made the decision to end or it was made for you, you proabaly have an incredible amout of anger.
We dont like to have our footings ripped out from under us, we want to blame our partner, sometimes we even feel wed like to get even.

anger and voilent feelings are scary. But in order to heal from the devestating wound that ending a relationship is, it is imprortant that we experaince th vile, rotten, intense and unacceptable emotions. In order to get beyond them we must go through them.

In this exercise you will write poisen peen letter. in which you express the full intensity of your rage, your most vile intentions about him, your most self indulgent wishes for his demise. The purpose is to allow you to give expression in fantasy to these intense felling with out harming yourself or others.

Hey David,

Thanks a lot for boinking those women. Oh wait, you didn't boink all of them did ya? No, instead you gave them oral sex, and accepted it too, and then when I got this freaky infection you blamed ME, you effing [censored].

Hey also, thanks for leaving me home to care for our three kids while you spent your time with those sluts. I really enjoyed being the only one to do anything - ESPECIALLY that time our son tried to hang himself and I had to make the decision to put him in a mental institution or not by myself. Or during the trip to Loma Linda to see if he had cancer or a tumor or something. I appreciate how you were always there for me and the kids. Best part was, you LOVED little kids. Just not your own, you creep.

The kids will never forget anything you did to them either. Remember how you ran over D's foot, or how your cig burned other D's hand? Lots of little things to remember, and so few of them good.

Glad you stayed with OW. I thought you two had broken it off. I hope you stay together and she does all those creepy things you told me about. You know the ones. Those things you hate, but will live with because you can't live with yourself unless you stay with her. She's such a catch. You should be so proud. Oh, and the kids hate her. SURPRISE. Did you think it would be any other way?

I could write pages, ya know. How to get 20 years of hurt and anger into one tiny letter. Hmmm...

Can't do it. But you can. You can punish yourself, and you do, daily. I hope it was all worth it.

Nice work if you can get it Dave. You should appreciate that.

D. Feelings of failure.
Write about your feelings of failure. There are two kinds, the self destructive, self loathing kind, and a set of feelings that have to do with your real and specific failures in the relationship.

Oh GOD, do I have to do this. Don't even get me started on the biggest one - I busted up my own family because I couldn't bear to be 'there' for one more second. I ran and I ran far. I did the best I could at the time, I know this now. I forgive myself. My kids forgive me. Even ex forgives me (for whatever THAT'S worth). But I still feel like a failure; to myself, to my kids, to my family. Real or imagined don't matter at this point. My failures loom big, and on a daily basis. I am living what I deserve. Is this the part where I get to have a pity party?

E. the letter of confession. Write a letter of apology for all your crimes to your sold husband. Be honast in identifing what went wrong . This letter if for your benifit, to clense your consciosnes and it need never be shown to your partner.

Dear David,

Yes, I made a LOT of mistakes - from running away and marrying you in the first place (without knowing you really) to expecting perfection from someone who was really, after all, just a man. I thought you were God, you know?

I have written many letter of confession to you, and won't repeat it here, in public, except to say that I miss what could have been - our family, most of all. The knowledge that we, as in you and I, will never look over our daughter's shoulder at our grandchild together, or babysit, or sit in those rockers we dreamed about when we got old. I'm very sorry about that, because I had at least 50% in the undoing of the dream.

I am so sorry.

F Letter of forgiveness.
Write yourself a letter of forgiveness. You are a human and you need to forgive yourself for being just that.

Ah, I have done this too...

I am so human, too human ,too filled with regrets and sorrow to do much good to anyone these days.

I am fond of saying to others: You did the best you could with what you had in you at the time. If only I believed that for myself. Maybe today is that day. After all I am here, the opportunity has arisen, and I am among friends. My safe place.

I never meant to hurt anyone. I am not that kind of person. I have been weak, and I have been strong, but it seems that often it is about the wrong things - both ways.

Instead it is a day for forgiveness. I do forgive myself. It is time.

<small>[ November 13, 2002, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Oh I'm definitely coming back for this exercise. I NEED IT !!!! (But my reply will be VERY long.)

Letstry,
Dont you hate when that happens? But at least you got it out once... even if noone read it.

Ezra,
Good, glad to hear we are on the right tract.

Sheryl,
I can see the sincerity in your words, now take them to heart, it is time you forgive yourself.

Laura,
Yes, its rather cathartic, and forgiving.... join us. I did mine on papaer and am too bad a typist to write it all out here, but its good to read other peoples too..... some how I think we are all a little too hard on ourselves, when we are much quicker to tell others to forgive themselves.

A. Something snapped.
My breaking point came after countless lies, countless episodes of verbal abuse, and countless betrayals. I'd just finally had enough. The beginning of the end was our last anniversary, 4/17/02, when my H took me out to dinner and told me he was moving back home only to return, once again, to the OW. It was only a matter of time until I finally told him that unless he quit drinking and gave up OW, I was done and was ending all contact. He chose to stay with OW.

B.The sour grapes inventory.
h's alcohol and drug abuse, serial cheating (EA's if not PA's), chronic lying, jealously of my past relationships, verbal and emotional abuse, refusing to have sex with me, and hanging out with kids 30 years younger than himself. My resentment, attempts to fix him, blaming myself, and focusing on his faults rather than my own.

C.The poison pen letter.
Dear Tom, I put up with an incredible amount of $h!t from you. You called me horrible names, cheated on me, and blamed me for everything. You accused me of everything that you yourself were doing. You made every effort to undermine my self-esteem by living with OW and dropping in for sex whenever you pleased, belittling my efforts to run our business alone, and shaming me for calling the police to report your abuse.

You walked out on me and the 6 kids who were living with us at the time and then got choked up and tearful when talking about how much you loved OW's 4 year old D. You even kicked me out, moved OW in, and then kicked the kids out one day later because they didn't "love OW the way you did." You make me sick.

I admired you so much for getting sober and turning your life around from alcoholism and drug addiction. Then you just let it all go, your family, friends, business, self-esteem, everything. You are pitiful. I have no need to get even because I'd never even want to hurt you as much as you're hurting yourself.

D. Feelings of failure.
For a long time I blamed myself for not admiring him enough, thinking about myself too much (because I was going through chemotherapy, radiation, and reconstructive surgery for breast cancer), being too old, boring, and unattractive (I'm 51, OW is 23). I'm over that now.
I tried too hard to "fix" my H, not accepting him as he was. I even got to the point of insisting I knew what he wanted better than he did (as in, he wants me, our business, and our family, not a girl 27 years younger than himself, drugs, alcohol, rap music, irresponsibility...) I was wrong. I should have given up sooner.

E. the letter of confession.
Dear Tom, My first mistake was moving in with you while you were still married to your first wife. My next was staying with you and taking your verbal and emotional abuse for as long as I did. Finally it was trying to hang on to you when you clearly wanted to go. You dumped me the same way you dumped wife #1. Unfortunately, you were giving me double messages, just like the ones you gave her (and lied to me about), saying you loved me and having sex with me while living with OW. I made the mistake of believing you because your words were the ones I wanted to hear, even if they didn't correlate with your actions and what your friends, ex-wife, your mother, the OW, your son, were all telling me that I now assume was the truth. If my self-esteem wasn't so low at the time and if I wasn't so fearful about leaving you, if I wasn't always grasping for the crumbs of kindness you occasionally scattered my way, I could have left long ago and saved us both a lot of grief.

F. Letter of forgiveness.
Dear Leslie, You made mistakes, you were sometimes irritable, critical, controlling, and manipulative, but you didn't deserve the verbal and emotional abuse that Tom dished out. You did your best to try to cope with an overwhelmingly painful situation. You deserved better treatment, no matter what you did. This was the greatest loss of your life and you were trying to preserve your family. You did the best you could at the time. I forgive you.

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>

To the top in case anyone else wants to join this. I will work on posting the next one this week.

What about you, Lora? Did you already do this and I missed it?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A. Something snapped. Go back to the point where for you "something snapped" Where was that turning point? What word or incident or betrayal was the breaking point for you?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I had a number of them... but I still felt it would work out. I felt that my H would "come around" but maybe it was me who needed to come around. In 1996, he developed a "closeness" with one of his staff... someone who admired and looked up to him. I saw it develop and didn't know how to handle it. She was one of my friends as well. Anyway, what it did was set up a pattern that I would recognize at least 3-4 more times in his/our future.

What I failed to recognize that my "reaction" further pushed him away... rather than realizing that these women were Plan A'ing him.

Finally, in August of 2000, it snapped when my jealousy for the lack of attention and fear of the break-up of my family - was being showered on another person in my face, in my home in front of colleagues and friends... and it triggered an ugly and vengeful verbal outburst which then prompted his words "This isn't working, I think we need to separate" and within a month he shifted from this to severe anger and wanting a divorce and researching it.

The snap was this... when he tangibly gave up. I was crushed and for the next six weeks,... there was an erie calm in the home - the eye of the storm. Fear had been taken to a much deeper level...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">B.The sour grapes inventory.
Make a list of all the reasons it would nt have worked out anyway. Sometimes we indulge in all sorts of " If only I had..." Instead of indulging in self destructive nostaglia, it healthier to sit down and write the sour grapes inventory. This will hepl you affirm what has occured and perhaps even tell you why your relationship should have ended long ago.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Cross-cultural marriage - this was not fully explored before deciding to marry

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Married on impetuous impulse... felt "the love" which turned out to be hormones (I also felt the insecurity)... should have bought more time...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Foundation - thought we had a good foundation - both Christians - but the manifestation of that turned out to be very different. I came from a very evangelical "man is the Spiritual leader" and he has evolved into a more Orthodox role - where the Spirit of God is all around and the Will of God is illusive. A very hands-off approach and consequently, no comfort in times of turbulence.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Spiritual growth - it has been and continues to be very important to me to seek intellectual development in my spiritual walk... through reading, listening to teachings and being in relationship with others who are willing to talk openly and ask questions. With my stbx, he and I can't seem to dialogue through anything, it's either black or white... we're polar opposites on so many of the things that define us as persons. Oh we can make decisions together, but nothing that is emotionally and fundamentally a stakeholder in our lives.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Forgiveness - he never forgave me for my past and it seemed to impact his view of how to treat me in the present.

That's all for now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D. Feelings of failure.
Write about your feelings of failure. There are two kinds, the self destructive, self loathing kind, and a set of feelings that have to do with your real and specific failures in the relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm skipping (C) for the time being... can't even think of it right now.

Okay... I have failed for a number of reasons. We all are somewhat of a product of our past... I have had ample opportunity to reflect on the choices of my family of origin (FOO) and the patterns of behavior that I've learned from them. I think number one, is a narcissitic tendency. I used to believe that the universe was revolving around me... really. Growing up, no one made decisions without consulting me and consequently when I did grow into an adult body and got into authority relationships, I assumed I would be the authority... well, it didn't always work out that way. (in a number of relationships - so the pattern was the same)

With my stbx, it seems that though I craved his "leadership" I also fought it. I realize that in my "model" my stbx was supposed to be the captain of the ship... I, as his wife, was supposed to be the First Mate. Here it goes...

Well, I didn't assume the role of First Mate very well. I wanted to do more than man the navigations and warn of impending dangers or weather patterns to help the Captain make overall decisions. Often, I created mutiny with the crew (well, at least at this point in the story, the crew weren't the kids) - but the crew could be our circle of friends, his staff or others... I could create a heck of a case for rationalizing doing things "my" way... I was always trying to prove my worth in providing more than what was being asked of me... I wanted to be seen as the real captain.

Inside I was craving for his leadership, but also internally, I was usurping it every chance I could. The power struggle eroded the relationship and the first mate was nearly thrown over board.

I must say... that in spite of the constant pressure from the first mate... the captain did a decent job navigating the ship to shore... not only did he protect the vessel (family) from being shattered by the rocks, but he got it to dry dock safely.

The captain managed to put the first mate on disciplinary action - which resulted in first mate attempting to regain control - even by using Plan A. Once at shore, at this point, the captain has decided that the relationship can no longer continue as a viable one. First mate is being put off the boat. However, the crew (kids) are still the issue...

And the metaphor breaks down here... how will the Captain and the first mate continue to sail in a unified manner without damaging the emotional make up and forcing loyalty choices among the crew?

God help us...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">E. the letter of confession. Write a letter of apology for all your crimes to your sold husband. Be honast in identifing what went wrong . This letter if for your benifit, to clense your consciosnes and it need never be shown to your partner.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear stbx...

I'm writing to apologize for the pain that has brought us to this point. After looking painfully hard these past two years at my contribution to this, I realize that I've made a number of mistakes. Most of my mistakes fall under the category of "thinking too highly of myself." This being my premise has caused faulty thinking, which resulted in faulty expectations, actions and decision making. I know I've expected so much of you, while at the same time, have undermined your ability to follow-through in your own way how to lead this family.

The tension has been letting you lead in your own way and then questioning your competency in leading based on some decisions that have been made. STBX, please forgive the arrogance I've displayed in these years of our marriage. I have put you on a pedastal of expectations and then verbally flogged you when you didn't conform to those expectations. You have always said, "Hey, I'm just an average guy." And based on my premise of who I thought I was, I knew I wouldn't marry just an average guy. Well, since that time, and through the pain, I've realized that we're all just average "guys" and my expectations of you, and me were very very unhealthy.

Though I was so frustrated with you for seeking emotional comfort with the others, I in a sense, can understand why you were there. I know you don't think you crossed any line with anyone, and that's fine to feel that way. I beg to differ and feel that a line was crossed but maybe not to the degree I'd initially thought. Perhaps it was just a warning sign and I felt a full breach had taken place.

For making a mountain out of a mole hill, I'm sorry.

Well, more than confessing to you, I'm confessing my self-centeredness to our Father who has reassured me that He loves me and that through this painful lesson, He is with me. My prayer now is that we can learn from this, and forage our way into the future, respecting each other and joining in partnership for the raising of our children.

Will you forgive me? I pray that you'll forgive me and that the sting of the pain I've caused will be gone.

Love, (because I will always love part of him)
...

Ok Heres mine.

After hanging on through his affair and moving out and coming back treating me crappy for the past year... it was when I asked him Again to go to couseling and he said no, we should divorce. Something snapped and I realized that yes, he was right, we should! Because he doesnt love me, doesnt want to put any effort into our relationship, doesnt get his part, doesnt care, is selfishly here because I'm easy, I have no expectaions of him meeting my needs, no demands on him no trouble, just a clean pleasant home, a sweet cat and a wife afraid to ask for what she needs.

Why it never would have worked.
Hes not any fun, always unhappy and picked on, always blaming someone else. He doesnt forgive.
He is a procrastenator,never finishing a project.
I have not been fulfilled sexually for a long time, hes not as adventurous as me.
He has a porno habit.
He changes his mind so often, I cant keep up, dont know what he is thinking. Is easily influenced by others.
He isnt interested in change, growth, fixing relaitonships. He uses silence as a weapon. He is incapable of sharing his feelings and doesnt want to try.

Poisen Pen letter.
I hate what youve done. i hate that you are so self centered and selfsih. I hate that you try and put all the blame on me. I hate your blowups for no reason, that you rant and rave about everything.
I hate that you lied to me and yourself about your affair for a year, then you came back and lied some more. I hate that you broke every promise you made to me about recovery. I hate that you have stayed here, treating me like **** to have your easy home.
I hope you get what you want... OW leaves her H and comes to you and you realize just what reality is, instead f your fantasy, mastrubation, country music song life.

Failure.
I am stupid, unloveble, unsexy. I didnt take care of him, myself. I should have made him call, been more.....

Reality. I was sarcastic and ungrateful, intolerant, rolled my eyes. I wanted things my way, not good at compromise. I didnt admire him for his streangths.

apology,
Dear H,
I'm sorry for being emotionally unavaialble to you, for putting you down, for not working though my own problems sooner, for being judgenmental and critical. I'm sorry for making you feel you could not safely express yourself with me.

Funny, I did this exercise, but forgot to do the last, the forgiveness of myself until now... maybe I wsnt ready.
I forgive you for not having a sucessful forever marriage. I forgive you for not being ready to handle your past, the abuse, the rejection, the fear. I forgive you.

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Lora ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">F Letter of forgiveness.
Write yourself a letter of forgiveness. You are a human and you need to forgive yourself for being just that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is how I imagine God talking to me:

Dear Nicole... You are a loved person. You have made mistakes in your life but that's okay, everyone does (except me). Know that you no longer need to maintain your performance on the treadmill of life to feel loved. You no longer need to align yourself with any human you feel to be superior to feel superior yourself... You are superior... a child of the King. I love you and have created you to do My Will... look at Me and My Son and stop measuring yourself compared to "your neighbor". Be the woman I've created you to be and that's loving me first, then loving your neighbor. Take care my child... I am with you.

Okay, and my letter to myself...

Nik, It's over. It's okay, you've survived what you never thought you could. You thought events like these, rejection, pain and sorrow, would destroy you. It hasn't... quite the contrary... so, you can relax... the worst is over. Smile, you're not alone, you've never been alone. Let's get on with life and do it! You choose... choose ye this day whom ye will serve... and have FUN doing it.

Whew, that was really a good exercise. I'm not sure I can do the "poison" letter yet. Not sure I want to give any energy to that kind of negativity... maybe I'm burying my head in the sand but for now, I just don't feel like telling my stbx off! Now, ask me tomorrow or the next day... the mood may change! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />