I did something I NEVER should have done.

It began because someone wrote a thread about Christmas Letters - how hard they are when you're going through a divorce, especially.

I remembered that WilliamJ began a thread YEARS ago, and how funny it was (I especially liked my entry, of course) and I thought, hey, wouldn't it be a hoot to go find that and insert a quick link into that thread... har har, right?... except that in my case, three years has made the most PROFOUND difference in my life (and that of my family), and going back and trying to find that thread... well, it was painful.

I mean, I couldn't very well pass my name when I saw it could I? I know it's in the past, but those dumb threads really called out to me. Damn! Was that person really me?

Oh my GOD...

And then I wondered if I'm really all that different than I was back then. Life is not easier than before, just different. Just like everyone says. In some ways better, in some ways worse, and mostly, just different.

I never did find the thread I was looking for... but I did spend an hour and a half going through the most painful time of my life.

The one thing I can say is that I really did love my ex, and I really did try my best. I'd forgotten. I've really beat myself up about that time of my life... and I shouldn't. I really did give it my best shot.

Just the other day I wrote on Lora's excercise 3 (even though I'm remarried, I carry some residual pain and baggage - who doesn't - and wanted to join them in the exercises), and I was talking about how icky my ex could be, but tonight I read that I once thought he was a good man in SPITE of the problems... I wanted everyone to know that he was good... it was SO IMPORTANT TO ME.

And two days ago on Lora's thread, I wanted everyone to know what an [censored] he was. I guess he's a little of both, eh. Just like most people.

Just some musings tonight... and maybe a bit of a warning... <wan smile>.

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Sheryl,

Don't be so hard on yourself...It's good that you can go back and see those things..and know you did everything possible..and you can see how far you've come in your life..

Not necessarily better..not worse...but as you said..Different..you've changed paths and going in a new direction...nothing wrong with looking back and seeing how you got to where you are...
seeing all the struggles and heart ache..makes you appreciate where you are now..

Yes please don't give yourself too hard of a time.

Of course there was good in the marriages - otherwise we wouldn't have gotten married in the first place, but then something happened - call it sin call it selfishness - call it growing apart - call it not meeting each other's needs - whatever, but we know that those here have TRIED, really tried their best, and yet the other spouse just didn't have it in them - for whatever reason - to try too.

So, what do you do. You be thankful for the good times and learn from past mistakes and move onto the beautful new life that God has waiting for us...

I hope that helps some. K

Thank you TR and GIIC,

I guess first of all for reading this rabbit-trail of a thread! LOL

I live in the past. That's one thing I've figured out about myself, and gee WHIZ, I don't know how to stop it! I mean, I guess I should just STOP. But how?

I have all sorts of issues... blah... I won't go there... but it just occured to me while I was going through those threads... that I tried really hard... and I was so damaged, and still am I think, in a way.

Gack!! Does this ever go away? I know it does, I do... but what 'closes the book' on the past... or is it somehow amalgomated (sp?) into my present. I think that's the big part of my problem, if it is indeed a problem. It's like two separate lives.

Well, like I said, just some musings...

Well, Ive been here too long cause I totally remember that thread and thought of it too when the Christmas letter came up. And I am in the icky position of planing a divorce, but having H still here through the holidays, so my Christmas cards seem like they could be pretty pathetic. It hard to think of writting this news for the holiday.

And Sheryl, did you forget part 1 and 2.... those were the ones where you remember the better parts... dont feel bad about anger and focusing on the [censored] parts... thats what its for, to see that there was good and bad, but mostly , there is moving on.....andgrowth completed.

hugs,
Lora

Ah Lora,

Thank you for those hugs!

Yes, true about those first two parts... funny thing was, when I was writing the stuff for this third part I really still had a LOT of anger. It kind of scared me how I could get so pissed so fast just writing a few things about him. LOL

I am enjoying the exercise, by the way, and I *Know* I needed it. I needed it (dare I say this again) BEFORE I fell for husband number 2. Ack, I hate saying it like that too... 'fell for'... what am I, like 16? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And to say he's husband number 2 doesn't feel so great either. It's weird how you have dreams, and my dream was to be married forever. Twenty years was a long time, but it wasn't forever. And now I'm in my 40's banking on that "forever" again...

Just interesting, is all...

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Love you lots, Sheryl. I'm probably gonna follow your lead (minus reading my old threads) and say that I have said similar about my ex. Which I KNOW you know.

I guess when we LOVE someone, WE LOVE THEM ALWAYS ...

... just said to Lora the other night, if I was a car battery, my name would definitely be DIEHARD.

Speaking of Lora, I'm gonna call her up right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lv,
Jo

Hi Jo!

You know, it may seem really weird to most people, but my husband and I talk about this junk a LOT.

We both agree that we don't want to hurt our ex's, that we wish them well, and that we will always feel a... oh, I don't know... do I call it love?... I think more like... a softness... hmmm... it's all semantics, I suppose.

My ex is so maddening... even still... he knows ALL the buttons to push, and push him he DOES... I rarely talk to him, but when I do... he can get me from 1-100 in anger, in tears... so fast... so there's *something* that lingers... that's for sure. Love though? I really hesitate to call it that, unless you go for the agape kind of deal.

Love you too... and that's love-love, my friend. No question about that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks to all who have taken the time to read this.

The one thing that reaches out to me is that I somehow come across as pining... it's not that... it's more like a failure to reconcile my past, present, and future, if that makes sense.

There was a time I loved my first husband more than anything else. It was like that for years - even long after his first affairs, truly. Years after.

But once his final affair came to light, I couldn't be with him anymore. I know he's a good man in many ways, but he's also a terrible one too, and very insidiously abusive too. Boy, talk about a love/hate relationship filled with the kind of passion you see on soapies. It was there - we loved hard, we fought hard, we ended hard. It took at least a year not to cry when I thought of him. Not helpful when you consider I was living with someone new by that time.

But, I fell in love again, despite some huge trust issues. I'm not saying my choices are for everyone - or even ANYone - but they are mine, and I have to live with them.

Luckily for me (and thank GOD) I got myself the nicest man on the planet who would never lift a finger to hurt me, has never ripped a door off a hinge or punched a hole in the wall. He tells me my size 16/18 body is beautiful. He LOVES me. Sorry to get mushy, but that's how it is...

Tonights trip down Memory Lane has reminded me of the good, and that's not a bad thing.

But it *was* (is) time to go forward... without my ex... because he simply hurt me too much. Bruises just take a long time to heal, and sometimes there's a little shadow of the thing anyway. That's what I have left of David. A little shadow. That's all.

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 11:53 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

Sheryl,

I was talking with a friend yesterday, and my X divorced me not because of a Harley emotional need, but because of FOO issues of white collar versus blue collar workers, and my X's search a similar life style to her parents, a dysfunctional one, but one that she was brought up to believe was an ideal relationship. . . .

she mistrusts and dislikes "suits," and that is what i finally made it to at the top of my career. . . . and that was too much for her. . . the concept of being married to an executive was not in her family beliefs., and was the subject of many discussions about how white collar management made her feel powerless and stupid. . .

so now she is dating a teacher, and a homeless one, where she has the control strings, and is on the same "bleeding heart" level and since he is an EMT instructor, he can "take care" of her, where i would not. . . .

so looking back, would i have changed my life backwards to live with a controlling, blue collar, does not want to change or explore life, person? as i am farther away and have to deal with her differently, i see the selfish, controlling, want to be needed, person that is not even close to my life desires. . . as I told my best friend before the wedding,

"She doesn't fit into my lifestyle."

my mistake. . . .

wiftty

Wiftty,

I was with ya... right up until the end. Did I just read this right, or are my 2am 43 year old eyes deceiving me? Did you just say:

"...as I told my best friend before the wedding,

"She doesn't fit into my lifestyle."..."

As in... you knew before the wedding? Before YOUR wedding?

I totally agree with EVERYTHING else you've written.

If I look back at David's FOO, I see something very scary - a bunch of men who love guns (I loathe them), control their women (and yeah, I did that for a long while, but it *wasn't* (isn't?) who I am inside), have questionable fidelity issues (duh, and they are all nice enough men too, but there's this dark side to all of them)... oh, the list goes on and on.

My FOO had to crash and burn and be rebuilt, and I must say that for the most part I haven't been disappointed. However, OF COURSE it affected me and what kind of woman I am.

Anyway, if you happen back by, please explain the 'before the wedding' thing, because that interests me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new_beginning:
<strong>I mean, I couldn't very well pass my name when I saw it could I? I know it's in the past, but those dumb threads really called out to me. Damn! Was that person really me?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OUCH!!!!!! About six-eight months ago, someone brought back one of my threads from my 1st days on the boards. Though the thread turned to comedy on like page 30 - 90. Like you, I couldn't pass up the 1st 30 pages that were filled with such pain and dispair. I read every word and ended reliving the feeling I had as my fingers typed those words.

I didn't come back to the boards for a while just for the fact that I didn't want to see that thread. Thank goodness it passed. Most of the time I'm totally able to talk and joke about my experience (like in my Eye Doctor Thread) but it is amazing what part my mind has hidden in that dark recess.

Like WIFTTy, mine relationship was doomed from the word go because of FOO issues that my X is living out like clock work. Like you and others, I do know that I tried my best........

Sometimes being a good human sucks, but most of the time it feels pretty darn good.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Oh yeah Bill, you sound like you really do understand!

As you get further away, it will be either a good way toward closure, or rip you further apart to "go there"... or maybe you can simply see it as someone on the other side... almost like a dream.

Oh, there I go again being all mushy-emotional. Because maybe, in reality, you'll look back later and go:

"Ewe, was that me?"

LOL - I sure don't know. I just know that in my case, because I did everything so backasswards (my favorite way to do things, and it's sooooo surprising since I have motion sickness... you'd think I'd want something a little less filled with loops and twirls and stuff.

Sheryl:

I was idly scrolling different threads and came upon yours. Your sense of hurt (by you looking and reading at your past threads) touches us all and we are all here to give you hugs and words of comfort. BUT PLEASE TRY NOT TO DWELL ON THE PAST RELATIONSHIP.

I hope I do not offend or hurt you as that is not my intent, but may I suggest the following:

1. None of us is perfect and so certain things happen in relationships. If your X chose to resolve his unhappiness outside of the relationship with you, then it is a choice that he consciously made and you have little or no control over his actions. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, SO QUIT BLAMING YOURSELF.

2. Sometimes we are hard on ourselves and end up blaming ourselves for a failed relationship in a marriage. But perhaps, a more positive approach might be to use the lessons learnt in this experience and use it to be a better person next time around. I ask you to ponder this.

3. You are now re-married; so try and make a success of this new relationship. Please forgive and let go of the past one. Because it does not seem like it would be helpful as you navigate through the new relationship. IF YOU CAN DETACH YOURSELF FROM THE PAST RELATIONSHIP AND BECOME HAPPY IN THE NEW ONE YOU ARE A SUCCESS STORY.

4. I also feel that you have much to offer to many of us who come to this board seeking answers to the question of why infidelity occurs and why has it occurred in our respective lives. Your words of wisdom would help us all as we try to overcome challenges - challenges that you have endured yourself. SO PLEASE STAY ON THESE BOARDS AND HELP US ALL OUT.

Now, if I have offended you, I ask forgiveness. If I have helped you, I ask that you continue to help others in return. Wishing you all the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh LI,

How could what you have said offended me? It's bang-on!!

I must be pretty transparent, I sometimes think. I like to think of myself as complex. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I said it earlier, I live in the past. I rehash my mistakes until they envelope me. Nice way to live, eh? NOT!

The one thing that is so certain, and so good, is that my husband was/is a God-send. When all the sand shakes down, and it's just us here, in our living room with our cat, I can believe that the world could stop, as long as I am in his arms. Mushy, mushy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

My biggest problem, bar none, is the fact that I can not yet work (Immigration post 9/11 has been a NIGHTMARE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ). I have too much time alone, most of my life is spent in front of the computer (not that I didn't do that even while I was at work - LOL - I type 90 wmp, and I must read twice as fast - I read VERY fast)... but still... too much time in front of this blasted thing. And then, my husband has to work two jobs and we're STILL not really making it (I won't go 'there' right now though, not my purpose). I say this all to say that I spend hours alone, and the internet is an intragal part of my day. Just last week, I crocheted a lap blanket (still have some finishing touches), read a Stephen King book, among other things away from the computer... but I come back to it... over and over again.

I'm almost tempted to unplug the thing and tell my husband to take it to work. But then, my husband works nights, and it's not like I can go out there (in the real world)... so... the internet has saved my sanity too.

Quite the conundrum. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks for dropping by!!!! This certainly takes me in another direction this morning...

Hi Sheryl:

You are not quite transparent. But your pain can be felt by many.

Did you watch Dr. Phil's show on Infidelity today? Any thoughts?

BTW, are you in the US or in another country? With your typing and reading skills you should be able to get hired in the US without too much difficulty. May be, while you wait to get a job, you might wish to consider volunteering a couples gathering in a church and talk to them about how to enrich relationships in a marriage. You might help yourself by helping others. As Dr. Pihl stated today, "Get out from the sidelines and get in the game".

AND DON'T SHUT OFF THE COMPUTER. THERE ARE OTHERS THAT NEED YOU....

- If I were a battery I would be "DieHard" - Ha! I love it! Thats me!!

It was around April/May of this year that I had an enough is enough attitude. I went back & printed off a bunch of my old stuff & read it all. Of course then, I edited it out to be blank on there. I am "Cantletgo". I was mad at myself in the spring for not letting go. I was reading some & finding a bit of a buddhist mentality by accident. I was doing better & changed my name to "Against the Wind".

But I am in a real down slump these days. H wants D & even for my own health & well being, I have to let him have it this time. It has been pain, pain, & more pain. Loss, abandonment, emptiness, fear, unspeakable lonliness to feeling like there must not really be a God. ( Dont start a flame session - leave it - I dont really think that.)
Looking back, things only went from bad to worse. You'd think there would be some reward in holding on, fighting the struggle, hoping beyond hope. Nope. He wins. OW wins. They have devastated my life.

We didnt have kids & the surgery took out 1 ovary. I am 38, never been with any other man besides H & hes divorcing me. AAARRGH!! I've been sucked into this black hole or something. WHEN is it going to get better. When is the lesson I am supposed to be learning going to be revealed to me??? I really have never done anything wrong. I treat people with kindness, have never been involved emotionally or physically with another. etc etc. WHY ME??? As someone once said before - Stop the World, I want to get off!! Ive been posting on here since around May 2001. I see Orchid & When I Find the Time are still around here, but providing more words of wisdom, while I am still bemoaning the same old thing. It IS depressing that I dont seem to have made any progress whatsoever - just endured more misery and more hurdles/tests being thrown my way. Gosh, when can I catch a break!!

My battery definately needs recharging!!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=013209
Dont know how to create link properly. Scroll down to see my post to Jlove in her Confused- need input post in the EMOTIONAL NEEDS forum on how things have been for me.

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</small>

Oh LI,

I'm a US citizen in Canada. I've heard it's just as awful going the other way too... I have a friend who's engaged to a French fella, and he had some friends come to California two years ago. They *still* haven't gotten through the process and had to go back to France! (Big time scaryface smiley belongs here!!)

9/11 has really brought everything to a screeching halt. It's just the way it is, and the light at the end of the tunnel is WAY down the track. If I want to stay with my husband (and I DO) then I have to just hang tough. There is no going to the States, and we are further along (such as it is) staying here. It really is a Catch-22 dealy.

So, trying to remember to pray, and BELIEVE that God can take care of us.

ATW,

I didn't know you were 'cantletgo' - learn something new every day.

Yep, you and I are alike in the recharging way.

However, one way that we are different is that not only do I have the 'whys' I also have the 'it's all my fault' mentality. I seem to go back and forth between feeling that I didn't deserve what I got (in the bad times) and I deserved EXACTLY what I deserved.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You didn't do anything to deserve what happened to you... I did... not that I deserved ALL THAT PAIN... but I can't say I was innocent... I made some whopper mistakes. Oh well... live and learn.

Sheryl:

I shall pray for you. When everything seems down and dark, you will be destined to get a helping hand - somewhere, sometime at a time and place and from a person you least expect it. You shall then look up and smile; you shall then take your newfound liberty and rejoice... I shall pray..